And the winner is...

Hope you all enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving!!! Ours was very nice and very quiet...well as quiet as a house with three little ones can be. ;-)

Now that I have all my decorations up and gifts wrapped... (Please don't throw rotten tomatoes at the screen! It's self-preservation and protection of all mankind that I do not go into a Mall during the holidays.)

I'm kicking off December by giving some cool stuff away.

First up is Rachel Hauck's blog tour book Lost in NashVegas. Deborah was the blessed and happy winner of Rachel's new book.

We'll be doing more blog tours in the coming months, so keep checking back for those.

Next up are some fun Defenders of Hope items that we're giving away monthly and then some will be included in the Grand Prizes that will be given away in February on my website and in April at my book launch party.

We just ordered these way cool puzzles with the Ransomed Dreams full cover on them. Talk about amazing what they can do with a puzzle. We now have some yummy chocolate bars with a Ransomed Dreams wrapper, and those are over the top cool! My incredible web designer had a blast working on the wrappers with some fun stats on the back. The third DOH item is a Ransomed Dreams mug with a hard-for-me-to-give-away Starbucks gift card inside.

So how do you put your hands on these things???

Come visit the Defenders of Hope website and the Heart Chocolate site and sign up for the DOH newsletter.

Okay, now I'm done with the self-promotion stuff. Those of you who know me know how yucky it feels for me to say, "Hey, go buy my book!" At the same time, I hope you all know some of the why behind it. If not, here it is in a nutshell...

I write because God gave me the stories and nudged me little by little down this particular path. That's the (sometimes) easy part. It's the promotion that's far harder because so much seems like hawking wares. But the reality is my publisher, a Christian business, took a chance on me because they believed in the story I had to tell. The story I believe in or I wouldn't have told it in the first place.

So for me, promotion is my way of giving back to a publisher I believe in too. They will spend upwards of $50,000 just putting one novel out there. I want to be a good steward of both God and my publisher's money and their belief in me.

I also want to see Ransomed Dreams do well because God changed me in the writing of it and I pray He will use the reading of it to draw hearts closer to Him.

Do I hope to make money in promotion? I'd be lying if I said no. Yes, I would love to earn royalties and see Ransomed Dreams sell well so that I'll be offered another contract. But another reality of working in Christian industry is that I won't be earning money for exotic vacations or to have towel warmers in my bathroom (people really have those, but I'm not one of them). More like I'll put braces on my kids without going into debt, help my husband go back to school for his Masters, save for three little ones' college education, and help keep our used cars repaired and running.

Even after all that reality, my goal is that there are other winners in the promotion game. Who?

My hope and prayer is it's you all.

Deep down the reason I keep coming back to in why I do what I do is sheer obedience and the heart desire that God use me to serve and encourage you.

Please pray that I hit that mark with a bull’s-eye. Because in doing so, that brings glory to our loving heavenly Daddy.

And in the end, that’s what it’s all about.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I'm giving thanks today in a writerly way while my kiddos are resting up for more fun this afternoon. This is a day where nostalgia meets the present. Last year I introduced my little ones to one of my family's traditions: watching the "Macy's Day Parade." My husband insists on calling it by its full name, "The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade."

Either one works for me. ;-)

I wax nostalgic thinking back on all the years I watched this parade with my Gram and family while the turkey cooked and the pies were cooling on the back porch.

But today I smile and get misty eyed watching my three year old dance to "Cooby Doo" (Scooby Doo for those without the 3 year old dictionary translation) and remember this is the same balloon I watched growing up.

Then after we've waved to all the balloons and danced with all the marching bands and singers, we head upstairs and my husband does the honors and places the big bird into the oven. Then we do my favorite Thanksgiving thing...

We dance to Christmas music on the radio.

We laugh and twirl and have a blast. And by the time my kids are tired, my husband and I are ready for a nap too.

Before that nap, I'll close with my top ten list for Thanksgiving…

Amy's Top Ten Reasons for Giving Thanks

1) I'm thankful I can call God Daddy.

2) I'm thankful I have a family who loves me and who I adore and enjoy.

3) I'm thankful I can walk. (Did I mention I'm in a cast again after yet another foot surgery? Trust me, walking is a big thing to be thankful for!)

4)I'm thankful for the gift of sight~ both to see the world God has made and for the spiritual gift of seeing deeper with discernment.

5) I'm thankful for heart healing.

6) I'm thankful that God says I'm beautiful.

He says you're beautiful too!

7) I'm thankful for little kids' prayers and that I get to hear them every day.

8) I'm thankful that my husband and I have careers where we use the gifts and talents God has given us for His glory.

9) I'm thankful for an inner circle of friends who love me anyway and always point me to Jesus.

10) I'm thankful for blogs. ;-) And I'm thankful for the ability to make online friends and enjoy the community offered here.

What about you? What are you thankful for?

You are Beautiful

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!!!

What are you going to say tomorrow when someone asks why you're thankful? With my family, we’ll go around the table as we eat and name blessings we remember from this past year. My children will go far beyond their five pieces of corn we give to each person to name one blessing per kernel. My husband and I will too. But for me it wasn't always that way.

So today I wanted to share a little about a reason to praise I wonder if you've thought of~ because God says you are beautiful.

Do you believe that? Do you thank God for that? Most people don't.

I didn't for years and years. I grew up in a painful home and jumped into a relationship as a teen that I knew I shouldn't be in. But I did it anyway because he said I was beautiful.

Then he raped me.

I didn't feel beautiful anymore. I felt like trash. And I spent the better part of my young adult years knowing God loved me, but feeling that I was "less than" everyone else. Ugly. Used goods.

My story in God Allows U-Turns for Teens is about how I went from saying "If Only I Were Beautiful" to knowing and receiving what God says is truth. I'd like to share two quotes and what made my U-Turn happen.

"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." (Oswald Chambers)

"We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. Our need does not constitute anyone else's call but God's" (Beth Moore)

So how did God make those two statements “real” to me? He had me teach them to a group of young ladies who didn’t believe God said they were beautiful either. I looked deep into their gorgeous eyes and into their even more stunning souls and caught a glimpse of the beauty God sees.

Then God led me to the mirror and said the same about me.

I wanted to turn away because I still didn’t see what God saw. But He kept speaking to my heart over the next few weeks. I became convinced that my bottomless need to be loved, to be seen as beautiful, would be satisfied first in God.

Or it wouldn’t be satisfied at all.

So I stopped saying, “If only I could lose a few pounds” or “I would be beautiful if only _____ changed."

We can all fill in that blank, can’t we?

What I started saying instead were the words God had spoken to me. “I see you. You are beautiful. You are loved and you are Mine.”

I still don’t always believe that. But those times are far less frequent. What happens more often now are the times I look in the mirror and smile simply because that’s what my heavenly Daddy does.

So this Thanksgiving I’ll enjoy some turkey and pumpkin pie and I will not step on the scale later. Instead, I’ll look in the mirror and smile.

I’ll listen to the words God says. Will you join me?

Take a good look in the mirror. God has much to say about what He sees there. Listen closely. He is enthralled with your beauty. (Psalm 45:11)

The King is enthralled with you. Enjoy Him.

Happy Thanksgiving y’all!

What about when you don't want to praise?

This week I'm guest blogging over at God Allows U-Turns. Please come check out Allison's site or blog and leave a comment. ;-)

What about when you don't want to praise?

Yesterday we talked a little about what we're thankful for, but the thought God gave me this morning centered on when I'm not thankful.

Have you ever felt that way?

Everyone around you has hands lifted in praise at church, or every friend has great stuff happening and you feel any thing but grateful.

Yep, me too.

I wish I had written a great U-Turns story detailing an about-face from overwhelming sadness, depression, or dare I say anger at things not going the way I'd prayed. My story "For This Child" in God Answers Mom’s Prayers deals with hearing God say "No" to a prayer and how I learned to trust Him and be thankful even when I didn't understand.

But truth be told I still struggle with praise and thanksgiving at times. Life is never just what I want it to be. It's hard. It's more work than I thought I signed up for and more often than not, it just plain hurts.

So God had me doing Thanksgiving cards with my kiddos this morning. I was so NOT in the right frame of mind.

But God's funny like that.

So I went through the motions until I read this quote from Francis Schaeffer, "We are not only to sing the doxology, but to be the doxology."

Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
Amen.

The book I was reading aloud went on to talk about the birds, how they throw their whole being into singing and that being an example of how we’re to praise God.

Now that set my mind spinning. Birds sing because that’s what God created them to do. They don’t analyze it, argue with it, or decide they don’t want to sing. They just do.

So can I in terms of praising God simply because that’s what I was created to do: to glorify God by enjoying Him forever and singing the song that is my life. Sad notes and all.

So can you.

I’m not suggesting we ignore depression nor am I saying we should “put on a happy face.” There are reasons behind why we don’t feel like praising that we need to explore with God.

I’m praying as I write this that you’ll hear the Father call you to come talk and listen to Him and discuss those very things going on in your heart. He cares. He loves you. And He wants you to come real.

At the same time, I think there is much wisdom to be gained in doing what Job and King David did in their dark nights…

Praise Him anyway.

Turn to Him and just talk to Him, remember who He is. That simple act, however hard it may be at times, is praise.

Instead of recalling all the hurt, remember the times God Himself—with nail-scarred hands—carried you through.

Instead of focusing on what isn’t right, praise God for the little things that are right and consider that your journey through pain and joy is working in you something good.

Also, instead of trying to “be the doxology” consider that you already are. And God welcomes the words or groans of your life song as He sings right along with you.

Praise Him.

Tomorrow, I’ll share my continuing U-Turn toward praise in the form of my story in God Allows U-Turns for Teens about date rape and my healing almost two decades later.

“Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him” (Job 13:15)

Trusting and praising anyway,

Amy
Defenders of Hope
Heart Chocolate

What are you thankful for?

This week I'm guest blogging over at God Allows U-Turns. Please come check out Allison's site or blog and leave a comment. ;-)

We'll be talking about a few of my U-turns stories, but even more importantly as we prepare our hearts for Thanksgiving it's my prayer we'll delve a little beyond our blessings to learning more of God's character.

Here's my first guest blog...

What are you thankful for?


I'm thankful for ripped tendons and scars. Why? Because almost five years ago I took my eighteen-month-old daughter's place in the ER and learned that when God said "No" to my request for protection, what He was really saying was "I have something better."

For me God's "better" meant a painful surgery and six weeks in a cast. Those six weeks of having my wonderful husband take care of our children, cook, clean, and do all my mom duties plus his allowed me to write my very first fiction novel, Ransomed Dreams. Plus, my surgery left me with a scar that I look at now and remember that God's "best" is often difficult to comprehend, but in the end it is always GOOD.

You can read more about this experience in "For This Child," my very first U-Turns story in God Answers Mom's Prayers.

Welcome to Thanksgiving week at God Allows U-Turns! I hope you'll join me again tomorrow as we look at more of the myriad reasons we have to give thanks.

Abundant blessings!!!

Awesome interview with Rachel Hauck

This is my good friend and a fantastic writer, Rachel Hauck and her new book Lost in NashVegas.

Rachel is a multi-published author living in sunny and sometimes hurricane plagued, central Florida with her husband and ornery pets. She is a graduate of The Ohio State University with a BA in Journalism. Visit her blog and web site at http://www.rachelhauck.com/.

I REALLY encourage you all to check out Rachel's site. It's fun and full of the depth of character and love for Jesus that radiates from Rachel.

Now we're in for a real treat today...

Besides learning about Rachel's new release Lost in NashVegas We'll be learning a little more about Rachel and some about "the writing life."

Here goes...

Amy: What is Lost in NashVegas first line?

RH: Good question! "How I let Daddy and Granddaddy Lukeman talk me into singing a 'couple' of my songs at the Spring Sing, again, is beyond me."

Amy: What fun things did you do to research Lost in NashVegas?

RH: I went to Nashville, visited the Bluebird Café, talked to songwriters, toured the Country Music Hall of Fame, sang on the steps of the Ryman stage, hung out with my editor and another WestBow staffer, Lisa Young. Very fun. Toured around the city with Rebeca Seitz and Kaye Dacus.

Amy: What prompted you to begin writing?

RH: I always wanted to write. My dad spoke destiny over my from the time I was ten until I published my first book at 43. You’re a writer, Rachel, he would always say.

Amy: Is there such a thing as a “normal” writing day? If so, what does it look like for you?

RH: I’ve been thinking a lot about this and am about to change my schedule so I have a normal writing day. Not every day will work out like I planned, but I believe we need scheduled lives to a high degree (flexibility allowed) but writing and creativity doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I need to be in my office, at my desk, writing. I usually write during the day, but get so interrupted with other busyness. I’d like to get up early and use that quiet time of the day to get writing done.

Amy: What’s the highest praise you could receive for your writing?

RH: I think just hearing people love the story, related to the characters, found some sort of renewed hope.

Amy: Best writing moment?

RH: Making the first sale. Always thrilling.

Amy: Worst writing moment?

RH: Missing my first deadline by 12 days. Yuck.

Amy: Advice for those interested in writing?

RH: Join a writers group like American Christian Fiction Writers or RWA, and read, read, read, then write, write, write, then read some more. Also, schedule time to write and don’t let anything but emergencies get in the way. Learn to say no.

Amy: Favorite scripture and why?

RH: Song of Solomon 4:9. It shows how pure in love Jesus is with us!

Amy: What's one thing about you that no one’s asked, but you wish they would?

RH: “Can we make your book into a Broadway play?”



Here's a blurb from Lost in NashVegas...

Last week, I stocked groceries in Freedom, Alabama. This week, I live in Nashville, Tennessee about to take the stage at the famous Bluebird Café.

Sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? Only one problem. I’m terrified to sing in front of people.

But after twenty-five years of being ruled by fear, hiding from my dream, I confronted my limited reality and left home. Forget the hometown hunk who wants to make me queen of his doublewide. Forget Momma’s doubt-inspiring tirade. I can make it in Music City… Can’t I?

God put the longing to write songs in my heart. If He’s for me, who can be against me? Not even my own fear can overshadow His love. So, I gathered my old guitar, my notebook full of songs and packed up my ’69 Chevy pickup. Look out NashVegas, the next hit songwriter is coming to town.

With the help of my cousin, and a few new friends, especially handsome contractor, Lee Rivers, my dream finds the light of day. As I face my first night at the Bluebird Café, I realize… I might just do what comes naturally. Look for the nearest exit, and run!



Doesn't that sound awesome?! This is a story for everyone longing to live a dream but not sure how to jump that doubt hurdle and go for it.

Have you ever had a dream burn inside but you weren't sure how to let it come alive? Leave me a note in the comments about your dream. Not only will I pray with you about that dream, but I'll draw a name and send you a copy of Rachel's book Lost in Nashvagas.

I'm looking forward to praying and watching to see what God is up to in your life!

Launching a Dream

At this very moment I'm feeling pretty on top of the world! I just turned in one of two last round edits on my almost ready-to-go debut novel. Boy does that feel great! And my wonderful webmaster hubby has done it again, creating a book series site I'm proud to call mine.

Please come check out the Defenders of Hope website and let me know what you think! Also, if you're a fan of great fiction be sure to check out the newsletter sign up page for your chance to win an amazing grand prize gift pack of 22 top fiction novels, Godiva chocolate, a Starbucks gift card, and some other fun things.

As excited as I am to share all this, I'm praying what people see in all that I do is Jesus. I wrote in the last post about how God is searing my heart with 2 Samuel 24:24~ True worship is costly. These books, this website, living a dream come true have all been costly acts of worship. So much so that many times I've wanted to walk away. Why don't I? At the core it's simple obedience. Writing these books, sharing my heart, and inviting people deeper into Christ are what drive me to keep on taking one more step in this dream journey.

Please pray for me! I'd so appreciate your prayers that in all I do it's Christ who is glorified.

Launching a dream is a frighteningly incredible thing. For me this means giving my all, my best, and then leaving it at the foot of the cross, trusting my Daddy to do with it as He pleases.

Thanks for walking this road with me. You are true gold to this writer's heart.

The Threshing Floor

Life as I knew it changed with my entrance onto the Threshing Floor. This special place exists in cyberspace and is where my mentor group shares, cares, bleeds, and dissects each other's writing. It's where we get threshed and the chaff blown away so that what's left is useful and good. That process is sometimes fun, often times painful. It hurts to have people look at a piece of your work that you're proud of and tell you it needs to change.

But a good writer listens. A great writer learns. An outstanding writer? Well, you'd have to meet my crit partners to see one of those. ;-) I hope to grow up and be that kind of writer someday.

Life changed for me again with my first book contract. In the letter at the front of my first novel, I equate writing a book with carrying and delivering a baby. One thing I didn't put in there was that my first response to learning I was pregnant and when I found out I'd been offered a book contract were identical.

I threw up.

Yep. Feeling overwhelmed, coupled with fear and a whole host of other emotions drop kicked my abs and continued to do so for the entire nine months of each pregnancy and for most of this past year as I've worked on getting my first story ready for the bookstore shelves. All of my babies were worth the pain of the nine months they spent inside me. And just last night as I finished another round of edits, I caught a proud glimpse of my book baby and had to smile. God is so good.

Yesterday I listened to an amazing sermon on worship. What does that have to do with writing? Everything. When I write it's long been my prayer that it would be an act of worship. I've often felt like the runner Eric Liddell when he spoke of feeling God's pleasure when he ran. That's how I feel when I write.

But the pastor asked, “What does worship cost you?” Because true worship is costly. Like the perfume Mary of Bethany poured over Jesus where the disciples clamored against her act of worship, saying “Why this waste?”

Many times this year I’ve said those same words to myself, feeling like I’ve wasted so much to pursue this dream called writing. I’ve felt like I disappointed so many people and had to pass on so many good things because there were not enough hours in the day to do all I or others wanted me to do. So just in case I missed the point that worship is costly and that what Jesus said of Mary, He says of all of His children, the pastor talked a number of times about Jesus’ response to Mary’s worship. Jesus told the disciples to leave Mary alone. “She has done a beautiful thing to me.”

My heart filled at those words that the pastor spoke to the crowd, but that Jesus spoke to my heart. No matter what others have thought of the time I’ve spent writing, Jesus hasn’t despised my offering.

Neither should I.

But I have. There were times this year I wanted to throw it all away and never write again. It hurt. I felt like my writing would never be good enough, never carry the message the Lord put on my heart that I keep trying to get on paper. I’ve feared, still do sometimes, the rejection of bad reviews or people who have unkind things to say about my novel. I’ve cried over times I didn’t get to spend with my husband and children. The physical cost of writing so much has worn me down too. Carpel tunnel and cubital tunnel, as well as nights and nights of too little sleep.

As I was thinking about all this, the pastor shared another scripture. I had to laugh at first because it’s the exact place where the name of my mentor group came from. It’s where King David is talking to the owner of a threshing floor about buying the man’s land to build an altar. The man wanted to give it to the king, but David said this…

"I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing." (2 Samuel 24:24)

Me either.

And so I put that verse on my computer to challenge and remind me.

True worship is costly.

But I will not give to the Lord that which cost me nothing. And He will not despise my worship. In fact, He whispers His approval. To the enemy of my soul who’d like nothing more than to have me believe his lies about the worthlessness or waste of my worship, Jesus answers loud and clear: “Leave her alone. She has done a beautiful thing to me.”

I pray you’ll join me in pouring your vile of worship over Jesus. He’ll receive it. And its aroma, like Mary’s perfume, will fill the room and bring glory to His name.

THE ELECTION

THE ELECTION by Jerome Teel


They seek ultimate power.

Nothing can stand in their way.


Ed Burke has waited a lifetime to become president of the United States. He's not about to let his nemesis, Mac Foster, stop him now...especially when he's sold his soul for the Oval Office.

Claudia Duval has lived a rough life. And finally, things have turned around for her after meeting the wealthy Hudson Kinney. But is all what it seems?

When a prominent citizen is murdered in Jackson, Tennessee, attorney Jake Reed doesn't want to know the truth. He just wants to get his client off. But as he investigates, he uncovers a sinister scheme. A scheme that would undermine the very democracy of America...and the freedom of the entire world.


The Election, by Jerome Teel, is a fast-paced, highly readable mystery filled with suspense, intrigue, and political conspiracy. Teel skillfully weaves together themes of faith, family, suffering, and providence in a way that not only compels, but enlightens."

David S. Dockery-President, Union University

"You don't love me!"

That's what my youngest daughter yelled at me the other day when I wouldn't let her go outside because she was sick and needed to rest. Boy, did her words sting. I've never heard that phrase come out of any of my children's mouths and it stunned me silent.

A pretty incredible feat.

I stammered something about that being a lie and that I truly do love her and was only trying to take care of her. Then I wiped her nose and shortly thereafter put her to bed at naptime.

But those words kept ricocheting around my brain.

“You don’t love me!”

How many times have I yelled the same thing at God? Truth be told, far more times than I’d like to admit. My daughter’s words made that reality impossible to ignore. So here I am again, working out my salvation by typing on the computer.

I think the most startling thing I’ve realized is that unlike me, God isn’t stunned silent or pierced to the heart by angry words. He doesn’t get angry back or scold me for not remembering the infinite times He’s lavished His love on me.

He just keeps on loving me.

And I keep on realizing how much growing up I have yet to do.

But that’s a good place to be because I’m finding the more I recognize God’s amazing grace toward me, the more willing I am extend that grace to those around me. As well as the more and more sensitive I’m growing to the fact that praising God is far more appropriate than railing at Him.

Not quite there yet with praise as my first response, but I’m stepping in that direction. I read an email from a dear friend who has just fought with cancer and is thanking God for his mercy in early detection rather than spewing about having a kidney removed.

That humbled me.

Now, I love this friend dearly and she is truly an amazing woman. Even so, I would guess she’s struggled with things. But what we hear from her is praise.

Not two-year-old wailings about, “You don’t love me!”

Or thirty-something wailings about how tough life is and how God must not love me very much.

Praise God for Philippians 1:6: “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

Amen.

My littlest princess came back to me later and said, “I love you, Mommy!” I asked her if she knew that I loved her too. Her response? “You love me sooooo much!”

Yep, I sure do. I’m glad she says that far more than she says otherwise. I’m praying to get to that place with God, too. He’s already promised to complete the good work He’s begun.

Guess that’s proof positive You sure DO love us, huh, Daddy?

:-)

Like Dandelion Dust

A PEACEFUL TOWN...

AN IDYLLIC FAMILY...

A PHONE CALL THAT THREATENS THEM ALL.

Jack and Molly Campbell enjoyed an idyllic life in their small hometown outside Atlanta with their adopted 4-year-old, Joey. Then they receive the phone call that shatters their world: a social worker delivers the news that Joey's biological father has been released from prison and is ready to start life over with his son.

When a judge rules that Joey must be returned to his father, the Campbells, in a silent haze of grief and utter disbelief, watch their son pick a dandelion and blow the feathery seeds into the wind. Struggling with the dilemma of following the law, their hearts, and what they know to be morally right, the Campbells find that desperation leads to dangerous thoughts. What if they can devise a plan? Take Joey and simply disappear....LIKE DANDELION DUST.


About the Author:

USA Today and New York Times bestselling author Karen Kingsbury is America's #1 inspirational novelist. There are nearly 5 million copies of her award-winning books in print, including more than two million copies sold in the past year. Karen has written more than 30 novels, nine of which have hit #1 on national lists, including award-winning Oceans Apart, One Tuesday Morning, Beyond Tuesday Morning, the Redemption Series and Firstborn Series, and several other bestsellers, one of which was the basis for a CBS Movie-of-the-Week and Gideon's Gift, which is currently in production as a major theatrical release for Christmas 2007. Karen lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband, Don, and their six children, three of whom are adopted from Haiti.

Amy here... if you haven't read a Karen Kingsbury novel, you're missing some great Christian fiction. The characters Karen crafts are alive with depth and conflict and the stories explore the gamut of human emotion. My only caution is that a box of Kleenex is a good thing to have on hand!

Help, I've been tagged

My good friend Heather tagged me with this. Not sure I'm doing this right, but here goes...

1. Favorite memory of your mother?

One of my favorite memories related to my mom would be my ninth or tenth Christmas when my "big" gift was a huge stuffed teddy bear. Coming down to the dark living room with only seventies multi-color tree lights blinking, that big teddy bear sitting in a chair with my name on it and a bow on top was awesome! And knowing that my mom gave it to me just because she knew I loved teddy bears is a great memory.

I still have that bear. Only now it belongs to my oldest who is following in her mommy's footsteps and curling up to read in Ted D. Bear's big lap. (creative bear names weren't my thing as a kid... LOL)

2. Favorite memory of your father?

My step-dad is the only dad I've ever known and I love him dearly. My favorite memory with my dad is when he'd go to church with me and everyone would say how much we looked alike. We'd just smile and say, "Thanks." Knowing my dad chose me and remembering how his eyes would twinkle because someone said I looked like him is a great memory.

3. What one skill would you like to wake up tomorrow and be able to do (though you'd never learned it)?

I'd like to wake up tomorrow with the abilities of an astronaut and a shuttle mission to go on. My family and I watched this incredible DVD titled INDESCRIBABLE by Louie Giglio. Within this amazing DVD are images from the Hubble Space Telescope. Please check out this link for a real treat... “X” structure at the core of the Whirlpool Galaxy. The heavens truly declare the glory of God.

4. Which one of your dreams has come true?

For the last four years it's been my dream to see my first novel published. I'm living that dream right now with an April 07 release date for Ransomed Dreams.

It's an awesome privilege to live a dream, one God created you for. But that's only part of it. Living out a dream is one way to bring glory to God. Just like the stars declare God's glory by just being, so do we. Walking with God and glorifying Him by enjoying Him. That's a dream every one of us can experience.

I'm tagging: Jen and Staci.

A poem of Truth~ can you relate?

Christians - By Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
And need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Violette Between

Don't miss Violette Between by Alison Strobel!

BETWEEN HERE AND THE PAST, THERE LIES A PLACE...a place of longing for what has been rather than hoping for what could be!

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1578567947

http://alisonstrobel.com/

Doing a new thing

I'm doing a new blogging thing at least once a week~ taking part in some awesome blog tours. I hope you'll be blessed and encouraged as you take a dip into the great world of Christian fiction!

BETWEEN HERE AND THE PAST, THERE LIES A PLACE...a place of longing for what has been rather than hoping for what could be!

This week's tour is a fascinating women's fiction novel entitled Violette Between written by Alison Stroble

Violette Between is a poignant story of a true artist. When the love of Violette's life, Saul, suddenly dies, she dies too. Climbing back into life after her loss, she meets Christian, a psychologist who not only understands her struggles but offers safety and his heart. As Violette and Christian begin to feel something they both thought impossible, tragedy strikes again.

Christian holds a vigil at Violette's bedside, where she is in a coma, begging her to come back to him. While in a coma, Violette becomes trapped in a place of past memories–and she finds that she may not want to come back.

What would it be like to choose a place between the past and the present?

Violette Between is a powerful character study of a woman finally relinquishing the past to move on, only to be thrust into the quandary of reliving that life and needing to make a choice. For Christians, this will definitely make you think about heaven and the consequences of eternal life.

"Delving into the underside of complicated relationships, Alison Strobel takes readers to unexpected places, but doesn't hesitate to deliver redemption when needed."---Melody Carlson, author of Finding Alice

About the author: Alison graduated with a degree in elementary education, and in the summer of 2000 she moved from Chicago to southern California where she taught elementary school for three years. It was in Orange County that she met her husband, Daniel Morrow, and the story developed for her first novel, Worlds Collide.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1578567947
http://alisonstrobel.com/

Glass houses and feeling invisible

You know you're a writer when the best way to work out your salvation and frustration is to write or type away on a keyboard. So that's what I'm doing today.

I’ve been home from the American Christian Fiction Writers conference in Dallas, TX for three days now and I can’t shake a word phrase I shared with a few friends in describing my conference experience.

A glass house.

That’s a pretty apt description of the way I feel about most things in my life. I feel like I’m alone outside a huge glass house in which all my friends and other people are having a great time. I can see them. Talk to them. But I can’t really touch or been seen by them.

Please don’t get me wrong, the ACFW conference was incredible. It’s just my gift from God this year came in the form of haunting worship and deep conviction in my heart. Conviction that I’ve chosen this glass house and remain the reason for my own loneliness.

The big question for me is why? And, as is often the case, just getting my thoughts in print helps me to answer that question easily.

Fear.

I think that’s why I stay outside the glass house and grumble about feeling invisible. Even if I long to be invited inside, it’s somehow “safer” to remain on the outside looking in from a distance.

Outside I don’t worry about making a fool of myself or being rejected. As if that hurts more than pervasive loneliness.

Since the ACFW conference, I’m beginning to wonder if that’s true. After listening to and reading about other writers’ stories on what an awesome conference experience they had, I’m starting to think I missed out because I let fear win.

That’s not to say I didn’t have some wonderful moments. Hanging out with my best friend Saturday and laughing with a few precious people Saturday night was awesome. The worship at ACFW was incredible too. As was listening to Liz Curtis Higgs and hearing the Lord speak straight to my heart.

But in truth all those things only illuminated the glass house feeling and made me see this is a theme in my life. Not a glorious realization.

Actually it’s a pretty painful one.

And one I have no idea how to fix or change.

But just in writing this, I feel a stirring in my heart. God is at work there. Doing His painful but fruitful pruning. Poking on the wounds that lies have made and asking me to bring them to Him.

Lies like I’m invisible. Which when I live like that lie is true, I create self-inflicted wounds of fearful living. Loneliness. Missed opportunities to reach out to others and love well. Those wounds spiral downward to create “proof” that I really am invisible. And so the cycle continues.

Until God says, “Peace. Be still.”

It’s scary to be still in front of a holy God who knows every thought of my heart. It seems easier to hide and pretend it’s someone else’s fault I feel alone.

But it’s not. Hiding and blame don’t change anything or help anyone.

And God’s not letting me get away with it this year. It’s been a tough year that feels like everything I’ve touched has gone up in smoke. But there is one thing that remains.

God.

My holy, perfect, all-knowing Daddy. Who in the midst of my toddleresque blame game and hiding still reaches out His hand and draws me to Him.

One thing Liz Curtis Higgs asked us to do during one of her amazing keynote addresses at ACFW was to look in the mirror, stretch out our arms, see ourselves as God sees us, and proclaim: “Ta-da!”

I didn’t do it. Not in my heart.

And I still couldn’t even when I crawled into the safe surroundings of my family who love me so well. But God used them to keep me unsettled—their smiles and their words of love all touched that “I’m alone” lie.

My girls were so excited when I came home and declared over and over that I am the best mommy… EVER! I smiled and shook my head knowing so well that I don’t deserve that title.

But then while writing this, God brought to mind my daughters’ genuine declarations of love, my husband’s eyes that mirror his loving words, and the words and emails of friends who really do see me and really do like me.

Maybe I’m not living outside that glass house after all.

Maybe I’m not invisible.

Then God settles the “maybe” question and whispers to my heart, “I AM the God who sees. I have called you by name. You are Mine.”

That truth is true for all of us who are followers of Christ. We are seen. We are loved. Perfectly. Completely. Even when we don’t feel it.

Does hearing those words change everything? Not exactly. This year has still been hard. I still have a lot of growing up to do. But listening to the Spirit whisper to my heart that I do belong… to Him…that changes the most important thing.

My heart.

So instead of dwelling on my mistakes, misconceptions, or hiding behind glass house living, I’m going to choose to tell myself the truth. I’m going to listen to the Truth.

God says we are wonderfully made. Totally loved. Fully forgiven. His.

I think I’m ready to follow Liz’s instructions. I hope you’ll join me.

Take a long look in the mirror…

Remember Who created you and how He smiles at you…

Lift up your hands…

Agree with your heavenly Daddy and say…

“TA-DA!”

The Way Back

A few days ago my best friend and I talked about "the distinguishable presence of God." Her awesome pastor had posed this question in a recent sermon: "Would you even know if the presence of God was missing from your life?"

My answer was a resounding, "YES!" Because that distinguishable presence had been missing for a while and the absence was becoming more and more painful.

That question and our resulting conversation helped me take a baby step back towards God. It helped me identify the gaping hole in my heart and put words to my huge but hazy longings.

Then came my husband’s email with an awesome devotional link and the awesome comments to my “life in the pain lane” blog. Another step came when I was teaching my fourth grader grammar. Please note teaching grammar is not on my “love to do list” but I’ve learned as much as my firstborn. On this particular day we were talking about the wisdom of journaling and how to start her school journal for this year. I said something that hit me upside my head and got me thinking. “Journaling is how I work things out. When I put words on paper, that helps me to see more clearly the things I’m struggling with. It helps me hear God.”

One more baby step back.

The next step isn’t one I am proud of. It was a huge fight my husband and I got into long distance that bled into an awful attitude towards my children. But I woke up this morning knowing I couldn’t go on like this. Living over a week without God’s presence was like going a week without water. I was parched. And I knew what I had to do.

I journaled. Not just my thoughts, but also my sins. I knew I’d blown it big time with my girls and my husband yesterday. I didn’t want a repeat performance. The only way I knew not to was to run to God.

So I did.

I confessed my sins and the lies I’d been listening to for months now. Lies like I’m a failure as a writer, a wife, and a parent. Lies like God doesn’t love me because if He did I wouldn’t be in this much pain.

Those lies might sound silly in the light. But let me tell you, they’re powerful in the dark just buzzing around in the background of life.

I quickly rejected those lies and stood against the one who provoked the discord between my family and me. What the enemy obviously meant for evil, God clearly meant for good.

It was my path back into His presence.

God knows me so well. He knew I couldn’t teach my daughters well or sit before my students on Sunday and teach about a God I wasn’t talking to or trusting. So He reminded me of that and offered His full attention as I poured out my heart.

Then He spoke. A few short whispers to my heart. Two Bible verses. One about Him being with me always and the other about why my sin didn’t surprise Him. You know that verse about how there’s none of us righteous, no not one? Well, me in my sheep-likeness had wondered far from that truth.

I’d acted as though I deserved God’s forgiveness and had dismissed my sin being part of the problem ~ not exactly calling it righteous anger, but understandable anger that anyone would feel given the awful circumstances I was in. I’d also thought I could demand His healing because I’m His child.

So He had to remind me that HE is the Father and I, being His CHILD, have SO MUCH to learn.

God also reminded me that His smile is on me too.

I cried and cried. In the midst of the tears, I savored His presence return to my life.

I later talked things through with my husband and children and sought their forgiveness. They are so amazing to be so quick to forgive me and love me.

Then I blew it again with one of my girls over some schoolwork.

But I could sense God’s presence and I cut my words off before another fight kicked into overdrive. I prayed with my girls and talked with the one I’d been harsh toward. Afterwards we both agreed that had gone better and we’d resolved it far quicker than times in the past. We’re both growing. I wish I grew faster. And I wish I’d never feel anger again.

But I’m a sheep. So says God’s Word. I don’t care for being equated with a dumb, forgetful animal. But the analogy fits. I’m just thankful I have a Good Shepherd who knows the paths I travel and when I falter, He’s there to lead me home.

My prayers are still for relief from the pain and for circumstances to work out the way I’d like. But with the return of God’s presence, I’ve experience something I haven’t done in many months…

Rest.

And my prayers are slowly turning onto a little different trail. More along the lines of, “Keep me walking close to You, Daddy. Help me remember.”

Pain lane comments

I have read and reread the amazing comments posted to my last blog. Coupled with an Oswald Chambers devotion my husband sent me today, I’m starting to gain some footing.

The title of the Oswald Chambers devotion was “Going Through Spiritual Confusion.” Pretty appropriate for where I am.

“There are times in your spiritual life when there is confusion, and the way out of it is not simply to say that you should not be confused. It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand. And it is only by going through the spiritual confusion that you will come to the understanding of what God wants for you…Stand firm in the faith, believing that what Jesus said is true, although in the meantime you do not understand what God is doing.”~ September 12 My Utmost for His Highest

Maybe what has me at a better place is just the permission to “be” from this devotion and loving friends’ words. That alone is gold. But it’s also the realization that I’m not alone in the experience of pain and the spiritual confusion that has followed.

Knowing that I’m not alone in making it to the other side is also huge.

I’m not on that “other side” yet. It doesn’t feel like I’ll get there soon either. But for today, right this moment, I can say I’m okay because I know I’m loved. I’m prayed for. And even though God feels distant, I know He is not.

Special thanks go out to…

My husband~ thanks for loving me when I’m acting far from loveable. Your prayers, words, and emails are helping chip away at the walls I’ve allowed to surround my heart in recent months.

Kirstin~ your honest openness blows me away. I do remember when you couldn’t sing “Jesus Loves Me” and when someone showed up at your door with that money order. Remembering those times brought tears to my eyes… something I haven’t experienced lately. It felt good to feel again. Thank you. Knowing you know well where I am right now and that you are an awesome example of “God’s grace is sufficient” gives me hope. Something I needed very much.

Sally~ I’m honored to be in such good company. Thank you for your prayers and your words borne of understanding and deep faith. Remembering that God Himself is interceding for me and that my Daddy’s lap is never closed to me were words I needed to hear.

Hannah~ your wisdom and grace far exceed your years. Thank you for reminding me “it’s okay!” and that being real is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Heather~ your hugs and prayers have spanned the miles between us. Thank you!

Sharon~ your post was one of those tangible reminders of His love that you are praying for. Thank you. You’ve listened to me spout off about life and writing stress and returned to me abundant grace and encouragement. God is most definitely in your words.

Kaye~ thank you for permission to do the very things that so many think are “unspiritual” but are in truth total honesty. I love Job and appreciated the reminder that Job’s honesty before God was commended. God knows our hearts anyway and trying to hide that helps no one.

Even without answers or a reprieve from the pain that I’ve been hoping would come sooner than later, just typing those thank you’s reminds me of how much I’ve been given.

Thank you.

For the prayers.

For reading here on this blog.

And for caring.

Not only that, but also for being living stones of remembrance, a gift of encouragement. How powerful are good words spoken at just the right moment!

Life in the pain lane

Okay, goofy title, but a pretty apt description of how I see life right now. And it’s not just physical pain either, but something much deeper. Something that goes down to the roots of my religious thinking.

I'm starting to doubt God. Not His existence. But His goodness.

It didn’t bother me much to question God when I was a teenager. Or even as a young adult. I’d spout off my doubts to anyone who would listen and engage in an array of conversations, often coming away thinking I’d learned enough to make me feel okay.

But now my circle of influence grows larger than the student crowd at a university college. I’m a wife, mom, teacher, writer, and leader in community and writing groups. Were I to spout off the venom I feel growing inside, I’d do more hurt than I want to imagine.

Responsibility and years of Bible reading press in on me. But it doesn’t change the pain in my heart. And in all honesty, I don’t really want to talk it over with God. I know that’s the only place to find peace.

But He’s also the One allowing a whole host of painful things in my life.

Career challenges for both my husband and me. The great unknown with enough to know things could get rocky fast. Financial stress. Marital struggles under all the pressure. On top of that, in the past month I’ve been through a host of what I thought were “old people” tests to see why I’m falling apart at the seams. From EKG’s to x-rays to being zapped and bleeding from an EMG that tested the nerves in my arms and hands, I feel like crying “UNCLE” and not waking up until all of this pain is gone.

Which won’t be gone unless God decides I’ve had enough and starts healing the things I’ve begged Him for years to heal. I wish I could say with Job “Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.” Or that I could agree with the apostle Paul’s outlook and rejoice in my weaknesses.

But I’m not.

Some days I can’t even think straight because my blood sugars are so out of whack and I’m exhausted from not sleeping well. Usually I journal or type through my foggy mental state or questions about God, but now that’s another painful reminder of why I’m struggling with God’s goodness.

How is it good that my arms and hands are numb and painful because of carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel and I struggle to do the simplest of things I know I’ve been called to do? How is it good that I have yet another chronic illness that makes eating or not eating like a volcano erupting in my abdomen?

Maybe those are the wrong questions.

But my heart can’t get past them right now. Especially when I consider that my flawed genetics are going to set my kids up for serious physical issues in the future.

I know we live in a fallen world. I’m just struggling with how hard that world is falling on me right now.

I wish I had some insight to share or even a line of wisdom. But I’m empty.

The few people I’ve talked to about all this have repeated to me words I’ve said to other discouraged folks. “Run to God.” “God is a perfect Comforter and will heal your heart when you turn to Him.” I felt those words as truth when I said it and I’m sure my friends did too.

But those sentiments are hitting brick walls of confusion and doubt.

Then I think about my daughters. How will I teach them about God’s love if I don’t believe in it? How will I teach my seniors at church the Truth of God’s Word when I don’t even want to open it right now?

In typing that I recognize the stirring within me. I can’t teach if I don’t believe. And teaching is so much a part of who I am I can’t imagine not doing it. I love my girls too much to really consider walking away from God and leading them down a very wrong path.

God designed me that way. He gave me my children and my class of students knowing I’d come crashing into this construction area time of life. He also made me love the truth so much that I can’t escape it or put on a “Christian mask” until I “get over” this struggle.

So what do I do? I suppose in writing this and posting it, I’m taking the first tentative step out of what feels like a gaping black hole in the road.

I’m admitting my struggle. And I’m asking for prayer.

Last night my older two daughters hugged me before going to bed and said, “I’m praying for you.”

Then my youngest daughter crawled into my lap and looked at my red eyes. “You sad?” she asked.

“Yes” I said swiping at my tears.

She looked straight in my eyes and sighed, “I sorry, Mommy. I love you.”

Thinking back on that now I’m wondering if that’s not the key out of this quagmire of doubt.

To remember I’m loved. Not just by my kids, but by God.

Even if what He’s allowing in my life is beyond what I want to bear, His Word says He loves me. Maybe that’s what I should ponder instead of questions without answers.

God sees the end from the beginning. Maybe, just maybe, there is a good reason He’s allowing all this pain. Construction? Tearing down everything so that only what is immovable remains?

Maybe. The Bible sure says to expect that from life. Not sure why it’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes. Or to willingly accept.

Pray for me, will you? That I’ll have ears to hear and a heart open to whatever God says is best for my life.

I’ll pray that for you, too.

Hopefully together we can remind each other to hang on to the Truth. No matter what God’s “best” brings.

Learning from little ones

I'm the very proud mommy of three amazing little girls. My oldest is turning nine this Saturday and is often heard singing around the house, "I'm going to be a PRE-TEEN!" I'm so not ready for that. ;-)

Besides already being eight going on thirty, she's an awesome little girl. My name for her is my Sweet Song. Her smile and who she is deep inside have always been music to my heart. Not only that, but this little jewel reads circles around her mommy and can converse with the best of them on so many topics it makes my head spin. What makes me smile even more than her silly jokes is that she's a lot like her mommy in the desire to learn and grow and become more like Jesus. She runs rings around me there many days too~ especially in memorizing Scripture. But more on that later...

My oldest daughter's often-said prayer is, "Thank You for spending time together." Every time I hear her say it I'm reminded how precious the minutes I spend with my girls are. They are the most precious investment of my time. And the rewards are over the top wonderful.

Most days. ;-) I had to throw that in there because any prophet worth his or her salt strives to be totally honest. And in honor of total truth, there are days I’m almost crying for Calgon to take me away.

But back to the good stuff… I said earlier that my oldest is blowing me away with her Scripture memory. She just joined a class at church called the Just Girls class. Among teaching so many cool things straight out of Proverbs 31, they are memorizing these verses.

These very same verses that many women ~ me included~ run screaming away from. At least I did until recently.

My oldest has been reciting the 12 verses she’s committed to memory in the last week as she’s getting ready in the morning and any other time it pops into her mind~ which is often. What’s cool about that is her little sisters are listening and that’s causing all three to smile, sing along with the verses, and learn from each other.

Mommy included.

But the thing that made me begin to embrace this Proverbs 31 woman was something my middle child, my total prophet kid, said the other day. On a day when I was struggling with thoughts of being the worst parent ever and not getting the million things on my to-do list done, my second-born spoke straight to my heart.

She said, “Mommy, what she’s memorizing is about you!”

Those simple words said with little understanding of their impact still make me cry. My girls scampered off to play, but those words rang in my mind often for the rest of the day. And beyond.

I have no idea what she sees in me that prompted her to say that. But I have a good suspicion she was looking with her Heavenly Father’s eyes and seeing the me I seldom see. The one God looks down on and smiles about as He says, “This is my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.”

I’m so thankful to God for all three of my awesome daughters. My youngest often surprises me with words that are more of God’s special kisses. Words like I heard her singing to herself the other day, “I have a fwend (friend) named Mommy.”

Not only do these words make me realize how desperately I need God to love my girls as well as they love me, but they also make me see how much I can learn from my children…

Their honesty.

Their ability to see beyond the faults to the heart.

And their unashamed expressions of joy and delight.

Jesus spoke such awesomely wise words when He said to come to Him like little children. And so I come, relearning how to skip for the fun of it, sing because I like to, and love with words and actions because my daughters are teaching me all over again what joy looks like.

My prayer in sharing my sweet girls with you all is that God will awaken or strengthen your desire to come like little children too. There are so many ripples of good that we can start by sharing unhindered words of love and acceptance into our circle of friends and family.

So sing, skip, love well…and learn from little ones.

Ransomed Dreams

I'm so excited to share with you all the cover of my debut novel, Ransomed Dreams!!! A cool inside story is that my wonderful web designer husband created a mock up cover to help me communicate with my publisher about my vision for the cover. Because he knows me so well and is so awesome at what he does, half of his design was utilized by the great folks at Multnomah.

So seeing Ransomed Dreams make it into book form has been a family effort every step of the way. ;-)

Another "fun fact" about the cover was discovered by my oldest daughter. She was looking at a printed version and said, "Hey, that looks just like our van!" Yep. Part of the painful realism of the prologue was achieved by using little facts about my life including the type of van I drive.

Stay tuned for more fun announcements and trivia about Ransomed Dreams. Soon we'll have a website just for the Defenders of Hope series and on it there'll be some cool polls to test your inside knowledge about me, Ransomed Dreams, and fun facts about my awesome cast of characters.

My family and I would so appreciate your continued prayers as I finish the race with the three Defenders of Hope novels. Please join us in praying that God would be glorified and people drawn to Him through these stories.

A unique Thursday Thirteen

In honor of a great friend and fantasic writer, I'm directing you all over to Staci Wilder's blog GLIMPSES to enjoy a very cool Thursday Thirteen that I had a blast participating in.

Here's a taste of what you'll find at Staci's awesome blog...

"Here are thirteen inspirational writers/authors who warmly invite you to visit their writing space. Grab a cup of coffee, herbal tea, or a Diet Coke ('cause, hey, we've got ours!) and then sit with us as we tell you a little bit about the spaces we go to be inspired and - hopefully - to inspire!"

God's best to you all!!!

ENJOY

2006 started out with a high-flying fireworks kind of bang. I'd just received my first "big break" in the form of a three-book contract with my dream publisher, I'd sold three articles that I was very proud of, we were out of debt for the first time in our marriage, and life felt pretty good.

So it was no surprise to me when I started praying about a word for the coming year that would define something God was going to teach me, that He gave me “enjoy.” I was pretty excited about what the new year would hold.

Come to find out that was sort of like praying for patience…

Watch out! ;-)

In previous posts I’ve shared the plethora of things God put in my life that seemed at the time to contradict my idea of what “enjoy” would mean.

Back to back physical illnesses. Out of control diabetes. My oldest daughter in the ER. Me in the ER. My computer designer husband’s wrist injuries. Cars dying. Marital stress. Extended family stress. Major rewrites. Deadlines.

All of that within a two-month period of time.

To say I was unprepared is a huge understatement.

It was hard to understand how the painful things May and June ushered into my life would teach me about the word enjoy.

Since then I’ve finished two full novels and in the midst of my rejoicing also grieved for two close friends who delivered babies not into a doctor’s hands, but straight to into Jesus’ arms.

I remember that experience well. We named our tiniest one Jordan. His or her silver memorial tear hangs on my Christmas tree every year and Jordan’s name is heard often in our home.

After three years, my arms still long to hold that little one. But the place where tears once reigned, now a different emotion resides.

Joy.

Not the feeling of total happiness and “isn’t the world great?” euphoria. But I think the very thing God had in mind to teach me this year. It took reliving past pain and experiencing fresh wounds and faith-shaking questions for me to see that God was and is teaching me what the verb “to enjoy” really means.

It didn’t come as I expected.

But God’s lesson is taking root in my heart.

Because it’s all about God. Not how well I handle my circumstance. Not how much or how little I smile. Not the big exciting good things that are happening in my life or the major tough issues right alongside.

But I’m learning that “enjoy” is all about how to wrap up in and savor His presence in the midst of life’s ups and downs. The heart-pounding thrills. The gut-wrenching grief. The everyday in betweens.

It’s about hanging out in my Heavenly Daddy’s arms and allowing the unanswered questions and longings of my heart to be quieted by His soft whispers of love.

Enjoy is a much quieter word than I’d originally thought.

It’s also a much more powerful one too.

Isn’t it so like God to take something we think we understand and turn it on its head to show us what He knew we needed to learn?

In the novel I just finished today there’s a minor character that plays a major role in my fiction world as much as my real life. He’s based on a real person whose life was a physical picture of joy.

His love for kids.

His passion for sharing Jesus.

His three-year battle with cancer.

One of the things I have my fictional character say that so reminds me of Ken fits well with my musings about what “enjoy” really means.

He talks about how for better or worse, we need to hold on tight to the truth. Because God is still on His throne. And He is good. Always.

My version of my fictional character’s words: Hang on tight. Love deeply. Slip into Jesus’ arms often.

And enjoy.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I'm Celebrating  1.     A wonderful husband who is my biggest fan  2.     Three awesome daughters~ one of which just turned 6  3.     Ransomed Dreams is complete and turned in on time!!!  4.     An awesome cover the team at Multnomah designed for Ransomed Dreams  5.     My husband's participation in designing my cover  6.     I love writing again~ Thank You, Lord!  7.     I'm almost done with book 2  8.     An awesome dinner with my critique partner Meg as thanks for all her help  9.     My family's good health 10.    My daughters' wonderful horse lessons 11.    Beautiful summer days that taste like freedom 12.    Cruising in my SC2 with my new James Taylor CD cranked 13.    Living my dream and finding moments to actually enjoy it!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The color purple

It never ceases to amaze me that when I get honest before the Lord, He always shows up! ;-) My last blog entry detailing some of the stresses of life and feeling a slight bit like Job opened up some real and painful dialogue with God.

Which at times has left me feeling like Job~ not all my questions answered, but with my hand over my mouth and my heart crying out “You alone are God!” and “You alone are in control!” Add to that a healthy dose of humility in the face of shaking my fist at heaven and questioning His love and goodness.

I’m so glad God doesn’t anger at my questions or shy away from them. He shows up. And in some ways, He does answer.

I’ve gotten a real kick telling my recent story of God showing up because as a writer, if I put this into a fiction novel people would shake their fingers about the implausibility of it all.

No matter. I was there. I saw God and He left an indelible reminder of His grace…in the grape shade of purple…

After my blog post a few Saturdays ago, God stepped in pretty fast to answer one of my immediate needs~ transportation to church. A neighbor of ours~ a little girl we’ve watched grow into an amazing young woman~ heard my husband talking to her mom about car stuff and she offered us her car so we could go to church. I was humbled as we climbed in and then enjoyed being with other believers knowing that God Himself had carried us there with a special wink and a whisper to trust Him.

Then He promptly closed every available or even slightly possible door for our getting another car. But my mother-in-law let us borrow her car on Monday so that my husband could run to his office and gather more work to do at home until God provided a vehicle. God also allowed me to borrow that car to go to a place that’s become a special invitation for refreshment and renewal. I went to the Healing Rooms and the prayer team that prayed with me and over me was so perfectly chosen by God that I cried and felt God release some deep “stuff” in my heart. One thing they challenged me to do after our time together was to ask my husband to pray with me through our house and seek His direction together.

Given that my husband and I have been struggling some with our communication, I wasn’t sure how this would go over. But God had already gone before me ~ why I’m still surprised at this I don’t know~ and my husband was excited about what the prayer team had suggested. That night we spent a very long time praying together and I have to say God opened my eyes even wider to the gift my husband is. He’s a fallible and imperfect human, just like me, who loves God too. He prayed with such power and confidence that I was in awe. God whispered to my heart, “I’ve got this covered too.” And God does. We’re still working at this tough and wonderful journey of marriage, but God showed up there once again and breathed new life, His life, over us.

Then Tuesday we received a call about a possible car. Not really wanting to get my hopes up, I listened to the specifics and agreed it was worth looking into. So my husband called the guy about his Saturn and agreed to meet him. The man with the Saturn also asked my husband to bring our van because his neighbor~ also a mechanic~ works specifically on Town and Country vans. Just like ours.

Much longer story a little shorter… the two mechanics were gifts from God. Both neat guys, they managed to fix our van for under $200 (when our regular mechanic had declared it dying) and tell us that we have 100,000 miles of good life left in my daughters’ favorite car.

Plus, the Saturn was one of the cutest cars we’ve ever considered and the guy sold it to us for exactly what we had to spend. Not only that but he took our very dying Corsica and slashed $200 off the cost of the Saturn. That ~ with a gift from a wonderful co-worker of my husband’s ~ and we were the proud owners of two “new” cars with absolutely no debt.

Can’t forget to mention our Saturn has a sunroof, a kicking stereo system, and leather seats. I feel like a teenager’s dream of summer every time I slide behind the wheel.

Add to that my mouth ulcers are finally gone~ praise God! And I’m loving my writing again. I’m 12 chapters shy of finishing this awesome story that God has given me new eyes for and a new appreciation of what it means to trust Him and leave the results in His hands.

Did I mention the adorable paint job on our “new” Saturn???

It’s the grace shade of purple.

What an awesome God we serve!

Life as I know it

Life has become a real-time study in the book of Job. I don’t say that lightly. Thankfully, the Lord saw fit to skip over the losing my children and my barns part. But the rest? Well, let’s just say it’s still crashing around me.

I don’t know how long Job had to deal with painful sores, unanswered heart cries, and more than painful accusations from friends. But I’m sitting in the dust and asking God some of the same questions. What’s the purpose in all this?

Why was I in the ER twice on my vacation? Why did I miss the one place where I go to rest because the pain was and is again almost unbearable? Why have both our cars died right before we were going to give our daughters a taste of their childhood dreams? Why is my husband’s job at risk because a mysterious injury is causing him so much pain? Why is my marriage still stretched to the breaking point? Why is writing a painful exercise in failure right now? With all the work my husband and I do, why can’t we even afford a basic used car? And why do I hurt so much?

Where are You, God?

Many of these questions have been dogging my heels most of my waking moments for the better part of three years. Some, like the intense physical pain and mysterious injuries, are newer. But the deep questions are the same. God, don’t You care that I hurt? What am I doing wrong that so much bad continues? Where is the healing?

I do know I have tons of blessings to count. I have my precious girls, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. For that I’m richer than I deserve. I know that. But sometimes that doesn’t stop the deep spiritual pain of unanswered questions.

Why doesn’t my mom love me?
Why doesn’t my marriage heal?
Why do I feel like a failure ~ unimportant, unappreciated, unseen?

Last night, after a horrid writing day and an unrelenting deadline looming…with my mouth full of ulcers…life and pain got the best of me and I had a mommy tantrum in front of my family. My eldest and her father sat in as Job’s well-meaning friends with things like, “Maybe God is trying to teach you something.” Yeah, and I keep missing it? How does that help me? I probably would have screamed if they’d asked me about sin in my life and religious-sounding hypotheses about if I’d just pray more or believe more or confess more.

They didn’t have to though. I had already been doing all that to myself.

And I still had no answers. I’ve tried to pray. Asked others to pray. Confessed my complaining, unappreciative attitude and my plethora of other sins as well. Tried to write through it, pray through it, believe through it. And my favorite~ not “stress” through it. Like that’s a simple choice I make and all is better.

Then today God sent me an angel in the form of an email. Don’t laugh. If God can use a burning bush or a talking donkey, He can use email. ;-) This email was from a new friend asking about my writing and a fear we had in common. As I replied to her, I started to cry. Something I haven’t let myself do in a long time. Then I started to write my heart. Something I haven’t done much since I haven’t been blogging like I used to.

And God showed up.

Actually, He had never left. I’d just closed my eyes.

Here’s what I shared with my friend…

She’d asked if I had ever written as a form of therapy. Boxes of journals and pages upon pages of blog posts answer a resounding “yes.” But that’s when I realized I haven’t done the heart writing that used to sear my soul with truth. The writing where God talks back to me and I get it. I see. I miss that. Today, my hurting heart is showing up. And trusting God to speak.

As I started to write in the hopes of encouraging my friend in dealing with a fear of hers, that’s when my tears started to break free. Here’s what God illuminated to my heart…

“For me, I know the fear is about failure. If I do this (write a book or try to work with my husband on some painful issues) and it's awful, then I'm a failure and ultimately not worthy of being loved. Sounds silly when I type it out. But the emotions are the most basic we have and the most powerful desire I think all humans share. To be loved. To be known and respected. To be important, valued. What I'm realizing again as I type ~ for probably the hundredth time ~ is that for me to walk in the truth, I have to believe the truth. I am loved. Whether this book is a failure or not. Whether I flub a talk or not. Whether or not my marriage ever heals. That's the truth I know I've been running from and it took your email for me to listen. Thank you. What I just typed in this paragraph is the core of who I am and what I feel like God has called me to do~ teach the truth about rejecting lies and believing truth. And I was just reminded that my writing is what has given me the most opportunity to do that. To share with you and with others what God is always in the process of doing~ loving us. Teaching us truth. Healing us. Calling us to join Him in His work. To see we were created for a purpose and plan far greater than we could ever ask or imagine.

"This believing lies or truth is so hard to wrap my mind around and so easy it seems to forget. But I think that's one reason God created us to be part of a Body~ to remember. To encourage each other to hang on to the truth when the enemy blasts his fiery darts and they hurt.”

When life hurts. Which, right now, is life as I know it. Life as so many of us know it. Where are God’s healing miracles? Where is God when life hurts?

A lot of the time I feel like the paralytic in John 5 who sat for decades not getting into the pool to receive a healing. When Jesus asked him, "Do you want to get well?” He replied, "Sir, I have no one to help me.”

Or we can add our own version of the words, “But Lord, I hurt too much.” Or “But Lord, I don’t understand.” Or “But Lord, I’m not this, that or the other.” Or mine as of late, “But Lord, I’m terrified of failing.”

Today, I finally looked up as Jesus asked me the same question as the paralytic. “Do you want to get well?” Uhm, yes? At least I know I want to lose the pain and the heartache and make my circumstances feel better.

So Jesus asked again. “Do you want to get well?” And then He extended His hand in the form of an email. When I stopped to listen and look into His face, I felt His answer for me.

The Holy Spirit brought to mind two verses…

2 Timothy 1:8-9 “God has saved us and called us with a holy calling—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time…”

John 6:29 “Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.’”

I think because I’m so slow to let go of what I want to happen, God added this…His spoken words to my heart.

“Fear not, Amy. I have called you by name. You are Mine.”

God’s healing miracles are working themselves through my heart as I turn to Him and listen.

I still don’t have a car for church tomorrow.
I still have a mouth full of ulcers.
My marriage still has a lot of healing needed.
I still have a looming deadline.
I still live in a painful, fallen world.
Some of my questions remain unanswered.

But I have put my hand in the Hand of the One who made the universe. And I’m standing again. In truth.

I am loved.
He has a purpose and plan for me that’s beyond all I can imagine.
He promises He will complete His work.

And for now, that’s enough for me to walk again. With Him.

Happy Memorial Day!

There's a poem I've read a number of years in a row about Memorial Day that never fails to bring tears. I don't know who to give a writing credit to, but as you read, I pray you will remember our Veterans and the men and women who are serving our country right now.

My daddy is a Veteran and proudly served our country. To him and to all the men and women who have served and are serving us well...THANK YOU!




Remember Our Veterans


It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,
who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the VETERAN, not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the VETERAN, not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.

It is the VETERAN,
who salutes the Flag,

It is the VETERAN,
who serves under the Flag.





Please remember to pray for our VETERANS today!

Mother's Day surprises

I received in my inbox yesterday some very cool surprises. After receiving my HUGE edits on Tuesday with two months to rewrite my first novel and word from the mechanic on Wednesday that our car is dying, I tried to listen to the Lord and instead let fear win.

Then I sent a prayer request to my awesome ACFW friends and the return emails opened the door for me to truly hear the Lord and stand in faith. God is sooo good! Not only did my friends encourage me with their prayers and words of "you can do this!" but they also prayed for my little girls~ that God would provide a car so we can take them to special horse riding lessons we found for a very low cost. Something extra incredible we wanted to do as a gift for them.

My mommy heart was so touched that happy tears slipped out.

Then another email surprise came. The National Institute of Marriage (an AWESOME resource worth your time in checking out) sent a Happy Mother's Day email with a special story of encouragement.

The story?

It was mine. ;-)

I was so excited and humbled that God and the great folks at NIM would use my words to encourage other moms. I'm going to share it with you all as well.

May God encourage all of us today to be the people He created and smiles at as He watches over us with His perfect loving care.


The Article Archives
Topic: Encouragement

A Mom's Greatest Gift
May 11, 2006
Amy Wallace

Written by: Amy Wallace, www.amywallace.com

There's one thing the Lord consistently uses to touch my heart when nothing else will— My three pint-sized princesses. Through them, He shows me more of His heart and more of my need for Him.

My girls greet me with hugs and kisses and tell me I'm, "the most beautifulest and wonderfulest mommy in the world" even when I feel every bit the opposite. A precious glimpse of His unconditional love.

When their sad eyes water because of the hurtful lies they believe when I speak harshly, God uses those little faces to drive me to my knees and back to Him.

When I want to hide from the world because of all the pain and unhealthiness I see "out there" and in me, my little girls smile and tell me that when they grow up they want to be like Jesus and help people and tell them God loves them. Their pure enjoyment of God and desire to share Him with others reminds me that even in the bad, God is good and He has good plans.

But I have to say the neatest thing they've shown me is a picture perfect example of a truth I learned at the [National Institute of Marriage] Intensive. I'll share two illustrations...

The first is from the day after my husband and I returned home from the [NIM] Intensive. After four full days of not seeing our girls, we went into each of their rooms together to say good morning. We shared a little of how God answered their prayers in that He was working in our hearts and healing our marriage. My oldest daughter's eyes danced while we talked. Then when we were done, she jumped from her bed and hugged us at the same time~ a very long and tight hug. Our middle daughter had the same intense reaction and added, "I'm so happy you went and that you're home." Our youngest wiggled with smiles.

My girls all danced with hope that God was indeed healing their mommy and daddy's hearts. I will always treasure the look in their smiling eyes. Eyes full of joy, anticipation, and brimming over with love.

Another illustration is from a few days later. As the girls and I settled back into our everyday routine, I shared many of the things we had learned at the intensive. We talked about living out of fear and how to get out of that fear cycle by running to God and asking Him what's going on in our hearts. Then asking what He says about the heart messages.

One morning's chaos gave an opportunity to put into practice what I'd been teaching. My oldest spent the morning talking over people, talking when she was supposed to be working, and not giving anyone else a chance to speak. I pointed out her demand to be heard was coming out of a heart wound. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I don't think anyone will listen to me. I'm afraid people will think I'm not good enough to listen to."

My heart hurt. We sat on our couch and I asked her when was the first time she could remember feeling that way. She talked about me yelling at her years before over a handwriting assignment. I listened and my heart broke for the pain I'd opened her up to with my unhealthy way of handling stress by yelling. After she finished sharing her memories, I suggested she head up to her room and grab her teddy bear and talk to God about all that hurt and ask Him what the truth was.

She went to her room and the crying I heard nearly shattered my heart. She bawled and bawled. I bawled with her downstairs, but didn't go try to make it okay. I knew God could do a better job than I could.

When she came down we talked about her hurt. I listened and cried with her. I shared how I was so wrong to yell and how sorry I was that she hurt. We talked about the lies she believed when I yelled. The lies that she was “not good enough” or “not worth listening to.” I asked her to forgive me for yelling. She did. She went on to share what truth God spoke to her hurt. "He told me that He loves me no matter what I do."

Such simple truth shone from her eyes. I knew she'd heard the Lord and He'd worked in her heart. But what she shared next, I will forever treasure in my heart. My oldest looked at me and with tears in her eyes said, "Thank you, Mommy. I'm so glad you went to that marriage thing." She hugged me with a fierce hug and skipped away.

I sat there awed by what God had done in my heart and in hers.

In my daughter’s eyes and thanks I saw an amazing truth: The greatest gift I can give my children is my own health.

Without getting with God to heal my heart, I could not have helped my daughter learn how to run to God.

Without being healthy, I could not have heard her pain, cried with her, and asked forgiveness.

Without God’s healing in my heart, I could not have shown my girls what Christlikeness looks like in skin and bones.

And without both my husband and I receiving the healing that only truth from God brings, we could not have shown them the power of forgiveness, the picture of Christ and the church in marriage, or given the gift of a healthy home.

All these things will aid them well in their walk with the Lord. They won’t have to spend thirty plus years wondering around in a desert of longing and pain with hurts and lies from the enemy filling their hearts. Those lies that constrain us like the grave wrappings Jesus commanded taken from Lazarus when He raised His friend from death.

My girls will have to make their own choices as they journey with the Lord. My heart health won’t prevent them from experiencing pain. But living from a whole, full, and healthy heart will show them how to handle that pain. It will show them truth not hidden by an unhealthy life.

And we know as absolute fact, “You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.”

That’s the greatest gift of all.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

A child’s perspective on Mother’s Day

Today I’m doing a new thing. Something I haven’t seen on any other blog. I’m featuring what I believe is the youngest guest blogger ever. She’s an eight-year-old dynamo kiddo and very special to my heart.

My own firstborn precious princess.

The reason for featuring her is many-fold. First, Elizabeth is an aspiring author who’s already submitted one story for publication and has such a talent this proud mommy wanted to share her second story. Second, I wanted her to know how special her story is to me. And third, this mommy wanted something a little new for an encouraging Mother’s Day message.

We moms wear all sorts of hats on any given day. My favorites are kid-hugger and chocolate-sharer. ;-) But I also do a fair share of discipliner, dish washer, sick day cleaner upper, boo-boo kisser, devotion leader, book reader, teacher, and role model.

Very often I’m not proud of how poorly I do the above listed jobs. I often fail to speak kindly and love well. And I cringe when I think what type of example I’m setting. Especially on those terrible, awful, no good, very bad days when I should have just stayed in bed.

That’s where Elizabeth’s essay comes in. She wrote about why her mommy is the best mommy in the whole world. I was in tears when I first read it thinking more about how I fail to live up to what she penned.

Then it hit me… this is how my daughter remembers me. She sees beyond my failures and has seen my heart. A heart I know for a fact is filled with love for her and her two precious sisters.

So please read the following story and hear not a “look at Amy” essay. My prayer is you’ll hear my daughter’s words and consider that maybe, just maybe, your children see beyond your mistakes and love you so very much too.

For those to whom this might be painful because you can’t imagine your children saying such things about you…remember your Heavenly Father has already paid for your failures and He knows for a fact there is so much good in your heart.

Isaiah 40:11 says, “He gently leads those that have young.” God is leading you in this most precious calling and cheering you on as you wear one of my favorite names in the whole world, “Mommy.”

So here’s an early Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!!! You are such a precious gift to your family.

Now for my most wonderfulest guest blogger…


My Awesome Mommy
By Elizabeth Wallace

My mom is wise, priceless, helpful, and attractive. She loves to spend time with me and I love to be with her.

She homeschools me and we sometimes go on mommy dates to fun places like the park. She likes to play games and read with me. We do crafts and learn other languages, such as German. It’s lots of fun to go on field trips and walks-or just to play outdoors. Mommy wears lovely dresses and clothes when we go out, and nice sweaters at home. Mommy and I both like music-dancing, listening to it, or singing it. It also brings us enjoyment to read a good book. My mommy is gentle, loving, and kind. We have the best time together.

My mommy encourages me to do my work well all the time. She is glad when I read good books that help me use my imagination. She lets me play and helps me to do my best work. We do projects like mixing vinegar, baking soda, and red food dye in a “volcano” to make it erupt or dissecting an owl pellet or sewing a teddy bear.

For the summer, we go to the beach, do art, explore, study nature, and many other fun things. She uses money she earns from writing books to buy me new clothes or other things for our family. She also gives me what she knows I’ll like for my birthday and Christmas.

In conclusion, my mommy is awesome and deserves much praise. Clearly, She is terrific and helpful.

May all you mommies know how much you are loved! Happy Mother’s Day!