There's one thing the Lord consistently uses to touch my heart when nothing else will— My three pint-sized princesses. Through them, He shows me more of His heart and more of my need for Him.
My girls greet me with hugs and kisses and tell me I'm, "the most beautifulest and wonderfulest mommy in the world" even when I feel every bit the opposite. A precious glimpse of His unconditional love.
When their sad eyes water because of the hurtful lies they believe when I speak harshly, God uses those little faces to drive me to my knees and back to Him.
When I want to hide from the world because of all the pain and unhealthiness I see "out there" and in me, my little girls smile and tell me that when they grow up they want to be like Jesus and help people and tell them God loves them. Their pure enjoyment of God and desire to share Him with others reminds me that even in the bad, God is good and He has good plans.
But I have to say the neatest thing they've shown me is a picture perfect example of a truth I learned at the Smalley Marriage Intensive. I'll share two illustrations...
The first is from the day after my husband and I returned home from the Intensive. After four full days of not seeing our girls, we went into each of their rooms together to say good morning. We shared a little of how God answered their prayers in that He was working in our hearts and healing our marriage. My oldest daughter's eyes danced while we talked. Then when we were done, she jumped from her bed and hugged us at the same time~ a very long and tight hug. Our middle daughter had the same intense reaction and added, "I'm so happy you went and that you're home." Our youngest wiggled with smiles.
My girls all danced with hope that God was indeed healing their mommy and daddy's hearts. I will always treasure the look in their smiling eyes. Eyes full of joy, anticipation, and brimming over with love.
Another illustration is from a few days later. As the girls and I settled back into our everyday routine, I shared many of the things we had learned at the intensive. We talked about living out of fear and how to get out of that fear cycle by running to God and asking Him what's going on in our hearts. Then asking what He says about the heart messages.
One morning's chaos gave an opportunity to put into practice what I'd been teaching. My oldest spent the morning talking over people, talking when she was supposed to be working, and not giving anyone else a chance to speak. I pointed out her demand to be heard was coming out of a heart wound. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I don't think anyone will listen to me. I'm afraid people will think I'm not good enough to listen to."
My heart hurt. We sat on our couch and I asked her when was the first time she could remember feeling that way. She talked about me yelling at her years before over a handwriting assignment. I listened and my heart broke for the pain I'd opened her up to with my unhealthy way of handling stress by yelling. After she finished sharing her memories, I suggested she head up to her room and grab her teddy bear and talk to God about all that hurt and ask Him what the truth was.
She went to her room and the crying I heard nearly shattered my heart. She bawled and bawled. I bawled with her downstairs, but didn't go try to make it okay. I knew God could do a better job than I could.
When she came down we talked about her hurt. I listened and cried with her. I shared how I was so wrong to yell and how sorry I was that she hurt. We talked about the lies she believed when I yelled. The lies that she was “not good enough” or “not worth listening to.” I asked her to forgive me for yelling. She did. She went on to share what truth God spoke to her hurt. "He told me that He loves me no matter what I do."
Such simple truth shone from her eyes. I knew she'd heard the Lord and He'd worked in her heart. But what she shared next, I will forever treasure in my heart. My oldest looked at me and with tears in her eyes said, "Thank you, Mommy. I'm so glad you went to that marriage thing." She hugged me with a fierce hug and skipped away.
I sat there awed by what God had done in my heart and in hers.
In my daughter’s eyes and thanks I saw an amazing truth: The greatest gift I can give my children is my own health.
Without getting with God to heal my heart, I could not have helped my daughter learn how to run to God.
Without being healthy, I could not have heard her pain, cried with her, and asked forgiveness.
Without God’s healing in my heart, I could not have shown my girls what Christlikeness looks like in skin and bones.
And without both my husband and I receiving the healing that only truth from God brings, we could not have shown them the power of forgiveness, the picture of Christ and the church in marriage, or given the gift of a healthy home.
All these things will aid them well in their walk with the Lord. They won’t have to spend thirty plus years wondering around in a desert of longing and pain with hurts and lies from the enemy filling their hearts. Those lies that constrain us like the grave wrappings Jesus commanded taken from Lazarus when He raised His friend from death.
My girls will have to make their own choices as they journey with the Lord. My heart health won’t prevent them from experiencing pain. But living from a whole, full, and healthy heart will show them how to handle that pain. It will show them truth not hidden by an unhealthy life.
And we know as absolute fact, “You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.”
That’s the greatest gift of all.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Welcome Home
Every step I take in this long, ornate hallway lined with knights in armor causes my heart to beat a thousand times faster. Picture Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast spouting off details about the rich Rococo design and the history behind each tapestry. Only I'm not being taken to a room and treated to dinner. I'm going to see a King. Behind the heavy door at the end of the hall, a King sits on his throne dressed in fine purple robes.
A King who holds my future in his hands.
I smooth my dusty brown peasant's cloak and pray the King is in a good mood. Today I have come with the sole purpose of delaying my family's inevitable residence in the King's dungeon.
The grand door opens and I hobble my way forward to bow before the throne. Only I trip before I reach the bottom step and find myself on my face. From my humble position I squeak out a hurried plea for help.
I hear in response that I owe the crown far more than I can pay this month. Or, truth be told, in the next hundred years. The King then says a plethora of words I fail to comprehend. But one I grasp. Cancelled. The King's servants escort me out of the room before I can gush my thanks.
Good thing. I have no idea what one says to thank a King. I hurry home to share the good news and my plans to work harder and repay this King's kindness. He was so good to spare us the fate we knew awaited us all.
Everyone in our little cottage agrees to help. Even the smallest child promises to work hard to do all they can for this kind King. We set to work, singing as we go. On the way, a woman who I used to name a friend stops me. She's spread humiliating rumors about me going to visit the King and laughs about the details she purposely exaggerated.
"For effect, you know. Good stories require a little spice."
In her wild laughter over the lies she's spread about me, I remember she owes me money. I grab her by the throat and demand she repay everything. This will prove a quick way to lighten the burden of what I want to give the King.
Then I remember his kindness to me.
So instead, I drag her toward the castle, intent on restoring my honor by proving her wrong with the King's own words. Along the way a crowd joins us. It’s filled with others who have hurt me. Unkind words, obvious snubs, those who no longer associate with my family because of our poorer estate. They're all curious. And I intend to prove to every one that I am better than they have treated me.
I've been in the presence of the King.
As our large group is ushered before the throne, the King asks the reason for our coming. I start to answer, but my gossiping former friend speaks first. She details all the mistakes of my past, seeking to prove my unworthiness before the King.
I grab her by the throat again, intent on silencing her words. In her eyes I see the face of every person who has ever wronged me. My humiliation before the King, my hurt and pain, drives the fury of my hold on this woman.
Then in her eyes, I see a face hauntingly like my own. Not the face of my child. This is the face of a child no one claimed. A child no one listened to. A child who believed no one cared.
This face is mine.
Instead of releasing my hold, I tighten it. I want all the memories of my past wiped away forever. I want the face of this child erased from my mind. This face I rejected and have spent a lifetime running from.
I remember again the King's kindness to me. Again he speaks. But this time to the woman in my grasp.
"My precious child, you are forgiven."
I release my hold.
My former friend kneels before the King. Then she turns to me. Her eyes, the ones that minutes ago held every memory of hurt and pain and all the faces of my past, have changed.
"You are forgiven too." She says.
Before the King, in utter humiliation, I cry. I cry the tears of that little girl I rejected so many years ago. I cry the tears she never shed for all the pain that came her way. I cry the tears I refused to shed when those standing around me inflicted their hurt.
The King speaks. This time to me. "Come home, dear child. Come home."
My former friend, with eyes so like the little girl of my past, extends her arms.
I stand. Before I can talk myself out of rash action, I run into her embrace. Through my tears, I whisper, "I'm sorry." I hug her tightly and with her that little girl and all those faces that haunt my memories. In that embrace I grieve the pain and release my hold on those I had hoped would pay me what they owed.
In releasing them, I find myself freed.
The King smiles at me and draws me into his embrace. “Welcome home, child. Welcome home.”
A King who holds my future in his hands.
I smooth my dusty brown peasant's cloak and pray the King is in a good mood. Today I have come with the sole purpose of delaying my family's inevitable residence in the King's dungeon.
The grand door opens and I hobble my way forward to bow before the throne. Only I trip before I reach the bottom step and find myself on my face. From my humble position I squeak out a hurried plea for help.
I hear in response that I owe the crown far more than I can pay this month. Or, truth be told, in the next hundred years. The King then says a plethora of words I fail to comprehend. But one I grasp. Cancelled. The King's servants escort me out of the room before I can gush my thanks.
Good thing. I have no idea what one says to thank a King. I hurry home to share the good news and my plans to work harder and repay this King's kindness. He was so good to spare us the fate we knew awaited us all.
Everyone in our little cottage agrees to help. Even the smallest child promises to work hard to do all they can for this kind King. We set to work, singing as we go. On the way, a woman who I used to name a friend stops me. She's spread humiliating rumors about me going to visit the King and laughs about the details she purposely exaggerated.
"For effect, you know. Good stories require a little spice."
In her wild laughter over the lies she's spread about me, I remember she owes me money. I grab her by the throat and demand she repay everything. This will prove a quick way to lighten the burden of what I want to give the King.
Then I remember his kindness to me.
So instead, I drag her toward the castle, intent on restoring my honor by proving her wrong with the King's own words. Along the way a crowd joins us. It’s filled with others who have hurt me. Unkind words, obvious snubs, those who no longer associate with my family because of our poorer estate. They're all curious. And I intend to prove to every one that I am better than they have treated me.
I've been in the presence of the King.
As our large group is ushered before the throne, the King asks the reason for our coming. I start to answer, but my gossiping former friend speaks first. She details all the mistakes of my past, seeking to prove my unworthiness before the King.
I grab her by the throat again, intent on silencing her words. In her eyes I see the face of every person who has ever wronged me. My humiliation before the King, my hurt and pain, drives the fury of my hold on this woman.
Then in her eyes, I see a face hauntingly like my own. Not the face of my child. This is the face of a child no one claimed. A child no one listened to. A child who believed no one cared.
This face is mine.
Instead of releasing my hold, I tighten it. I want all the memories of my past wiped away forever. I want the face of this child erased from my mind. This face I rejected and have spent a lifetime running from.
I remember again the King's kindness to me. Again he speaks. But this time to the woman in my grasp.
"My precious child, you are forgiven."
I release my hold.
My former friend kneels before the King. Then she turns to me. Her eyes, the ones that minutes ago held every memory of hurt and pain and all the faces of my past, have changed.
"You are forgiven too." She says.
Before the King, in utter humiliation, I cry. I cry the tears of that little girl I rejected so many years ago. I cry the tears she never shed for all the pain that came her way. I cry the tears I refused to shed when those standing around me inflicted their hurt.
The King speaks. This time to me. "Come home, dear child. Come home."
My former friend, with eyes so like the little girl of my past, extends her arms.
I stand. Before I can talk myself out of rash action, I run into her embrace. Through my tears, I whisper, "I'm sorry." I hug her tightly and with her that little girl and all those faces that haunt my memories. In that embrace I grieve the pain and release my hold on those I had hoped would pay me what they owed.
In releasing them, I find myself freed.
The King smiles at me and draws me into his embrace. “Welcome home, child. Welcome home.”
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Time
Think with me for a moment what that word TIME means. What phrases come to mind?
Time keeps ticking away...
Time to make a change...
Never seems to be enough time to do the things I want to do...
All of those lines are from songs that ran through my head as I started typing. Not a surprise. God often speaks to me through a song. He also speaks when I take that weird word~ TIME~ and spend it with Him. Not just time to read my Bible and pray for people. Those are good, and even vital things to do, but for me they weren’t getting to the heart of my problem this week. What I was missing was time spent really listening to God.
You see, instead of listening, I've been thinking about time: The time I’ve been waiting for editors to get back to me about articles and novels. (They haven’t yet. I’d appreciate your prayers. :-) ) The time I’ve not spent writing when I know I’m supposed to be writing. And the time I’ve been eating instead of listening to the stuff going on in my heart. Add to that all the time I spend doing “things” with little to show at the end of the day for all the energy I’ve expended.
But in the back of my mind, I knew God was brewing something in my heart that just today He opened my eyes to see.
Funny how His timing is always perfect.
So, after a lot of wasted time this week brooding over what I wasn’t getting done, I looked up the word TIME on Merriam Webster. Here are some of the definitions I found:
"The measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues." ex: The excruciating time it takes for an editor to respond to requested material.
"An opportune or suitable moment." ex: The time when a contract comes in the mail. Or doesn’t, as the case may be.
I thought these were funny: "A period of apprenticeship; a term of service; a prison sentence." Some days feel like that don’t they?
Here’s what I think of most when I think of the word TIME: "A moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar."
Then, instead of listening to God, I contemplated (with self-contempt) that I have the same 24 hours a day as everyone else on this planet. Even Jesus when He walked here. How come I get so little done when others are doing so much?
The Lord, in His mercy, stopped my downward spiral of negative self-talk. But first He had to show me what I’d really been thinking (and trying to ignore that I was feeling) this week. That hurt. In fact, after taking some time this morning to read a devotion in a wonderful book for writers called Write His Answer, the Lord brought me to tears.
The devotion was appropriately picked by God for this day. It was called “Keeping Fit” and discussed how eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep are important disciplines that affect everything else I do. But what got me was the poem that talked about 1 Corinthians love for myself. Marlene Bagnull wrote:
“I must first love myself as God loves me;
Then I can love others as myself.
Love is being patient with me
When I am slow learning the lessons
The Lord would teach me.
Love is kind
It does not allow me
To compare myself to others,
To put myself down,
To punish myself for my mistakes.
Love means believing in the potential
God has placed within me
And trusting Him to bring about
My completeness in Him.”
Here I’ve been writing in this blog about spending time with God instead of hiding and learning to love yourself, and yet this past week, I’d forgotten those important lessons. Especially in regards to the time I waste thinking badly about myself.
Funny how it takes no time to forget what we so desperately need to remember.
It also takes no time for the Lord to reveal the truth when we take a few moments of time to listen.
After I read that devotion, the Lord twirled me away from the computer and plopped me on the floor with my battered teddy bear heart and a stuffed bunny in my arms and said, “Listen.”
When I finally stopped crying and confessing all the ways I know I failed this week, the Lord revealed what was going on in my heart. I’ve been believing this week that I’m a failure~ with my body, because I still have more weight to lose and even though I’m doing push-ups, I’m not pushing away the extra food. And with my writing, I’ve believed I’m a failure because my writing isn’t getting the attention I had hoped it would be by now. Strange how this comes just after my first story was published.
After that, God spoke to my heart. He spoke again the words He whispered to my heart when He began the painful process of cleaning out the heart messages and lies I’ve lived by for so long. He said, “You are my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.” He added, “I have a good plan for you, Amy. Trust Me.”
Then, as I spent some more time crying and praying and praising Him, He spoke to me through the verse He had given me seven months ago about my writing. 2 Timothy 1:9 (written and posted by my computer) says, “Father, You have saved me and called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to Your own purpose and grace which You granted me in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.”
Certain words jumped out at me. TIME being a big one. God, in His infinite wisdom and love, decided the good works He would accomplish through me (Eph 2:10), His holy calling, according to His purpose and IN HIS TIME. All BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. My work according to John 6:29 is this: “Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.’”
My work is not to run away from my feelings or what’s happening in my heart. It’s not to worry and stress about TIME and what I am or am not doing with it. It’s not even to run after good things to do for God.
My work is to sit and listen. Like Mary. To hang out with Him, wrapped in His arms, and listen to the Truth.
And believe.
Will you join me? It will be TIME well spent.
Time keeps ticking away...
Time to make a change...
Never seems to be enough time to do the things I want to do...
All of those lines are from songs that ran through my head as I started typing. Not a surprise. God often speaks to me through a song. He also speaks when I take that weird word~ TIME~ and spend it with Him. Not just time to read my Bible and pray for people. Those are good, and even vital things to do, but for me they weren’t getting to the heart of my problem this week. What I was missing was time spent really listening to God.
You see, instead of listening, I've been thinking about time: The time I’ve been waiting for editors to get back to me about articles and novels. (They haven’t yet. I’d appreciate your prayers. :-) ) The time I’ve not spent writing when I know I’m supposed to be writing. And the time I’ve been eating instead of listening to the stuff going on in my heart. Add to that all the time I spend doing “things” with little to show at the end of the day for all the energy I’ve expended.
But in the back of my mind, I knew God was brewing something in my heart that just today He opened my eyes to see.
Funny how His timing is always perfect.
So, after a lot of wasted time this week brooding over what I wasn’t getting done, I looked up the word TIME on Merriam Webster. Here are some of the definitions I found:
"The measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues." ex: The excruciating time it takes for an editor to respond to requested material.
"An opportune or suitable moment." ex: The time when a contract comes in the mail. Or doesn’t, as the case may be.
I thought these were funny: "A period of apprenticeship; a term of service; a prison sentence." Some days feel like that don’t they?
Here’s what I think of most when I think of the word TIME: "A moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar."
Then, instead of listening to God, I contemplated (with self-contempt) that I have the same 24 hours a day as everyone else on this planet. Even Jesus when He walked here. How come I get so little done when others are doing so much?
The Lord, in His mercy, stopped my downward spiral of negative self-talk. But first He had to show me what I’d really been thinking (and trying to ignore that I was feeling) this week. That hurt. In fact, after taking some time this morning to read a devotion in a wonderful book for writers called Write His Answer, the Lord brought me to tears.
The devotion was appropriately picked by God for this day. It was called “Keeping Fit” and discussed how eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep are important disciplines that affect everything else I do. But what got me was the poem that talked about 1 Corinthians love for myself. Marlene Bagnull wrote:
“I must first love myself as God loves me;
Then I can love others as myself.
Love is being patient with me
When I am slow learning the lessons
The Lord would teach me.
Love is kind
It does not allow me
To compare myself to others,
To put myself down,
To punish myself for my mistakes.
Love means believing in the potential
God has placed within me
And trusting Him to bring about
My completeness in Him.”
Here I’ve been writing in this blog about spending time with God instead of hiding and learning to love yourself, and yet this past week, I’d forgotten those important lessons. Especially in regards to the time I waste thinking badly about myself.
Funny how it takes no time to forget what we so desperately need to remember.
It also takes no time for the Lord to reveal the truth when we take a few moments of time to listen.
After I read that devotion, the Lord twirled me away from the computer and plopped me on the floor with my battered teddy bear heart and a stuffed bunny in my arms and said, “Listen.”
When I finally stopped crying and confessing all the ways I know I failed this week, the Lord revealed what was going on in my heart. I’ve been believing this week that I’m a failure~ with my body, because I still have more weight to lose and even though I’m doing push-ups, I’m not pushing away the extra food. And with my writing, I’ve believed I’m a failure because my writing isn’t getting the attention I had hoped it would be by now. Strange how this comes just after my first story was published.
After that, God spoke to my heart. He spoke again the words He whispered to my heart when He began the painful process of cleaning out the heart messages and lies I’ve lived by for so long. He said, “You are my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.” He added, “I have a good plan for you, Amy. Trust Me.”
Then, as I spent some more time crying and praying and praising Him, He spoke to me through the verse He had given me seven months ago about my writing. 2 Timothy 1:9 (written and posted by my computer) says, “Father, You have saved me and called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to Your own purpose and grace which You granted me in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.”
Certain words jumped out at me. TIME being a big one. God, in His infinite wisdom and love, decided the good works He would accomplish through me (Eph 2:10), His holy calling, according to His purpose and IN HIS TIME. All BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. My work according to John 6:29 is this: “Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.’”
My work is not to run away from my feelings or what’s happening in my heart. It’s not to worry and stress about TIME and what I am or am not doing with it. It’s not even to run after good things to do for God.
My work is to sit and listen. Like Mary. To hang out with Him, wrapped in His arms, and listen to the Truth.
And believe.
Will you join me? It will be TIME well spent.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The call of God
I sat in church the other day taking notes. Some about the sermon, and some (on another notepad) about a new novel brewing in my mind. My oldest princess caught me. ;-) "You have TWO of those note pads, Mommy?" Yep. And even more in my purse, in my car, at my desk, by my bed. Inspiration strikes at the oddest of times. I'm still waiting for my oldest to invent that million-dollar gadget that will let me write my inspirations down in the shower. :-D
But I digress.
On my second notepad when my little girl caught me writing book ideas, I was also writing a prayer for an unmarried couple in front of us at church. The degree to which the young lady was into this gentleman caused my heart to cry out for her. The degree to which she missed that he wasn't as equally into her touched a spot in my heart that stings, even after ten years of marriage. I remember longing for someone to love me with that same intensity. I remember snuggling up close and believing that relationship was all I needed. Unfortunately, I wasn't safe in that because my longing wasn't really for that person, it was for them to fill me. And no one could.
So I hid. I hid from the truth that no person could fill that need by trying over and over to find someone who could. In time, I learned to live with the guilt of being "too much" or "too needy" and move on after one more relationship crumbled under the strain of that bottomless well of need.
Watching that cycle continue in the couple at church Sunday, my heart longed to reach out to them and share the truths that took me over ten years and many tears to learn:
"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." Oswald Chambers
"We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. Our need does not constitute anyone else's call but God's" Beth Moore
What I've finally received in the deepest part of my heart and am learning to walk out of is that my cavernous need to be loved will be satisfied first in God.
Or it won't be satisfied at all.
Like the young couple at church, I can be so into someone, hoping they will make me feel loved. And sooner or later that person will fall under the weight of that call to love me. Or I can do the flip side and try very hard to fulfill that call to love someone else. And sooner or later, I too will fall under the weight of a burden I can't begin to carry.
A better option by far is to realize my need to be loved is the call of God.
He calls me to come to Him.
Come to be loved.
Come to be filled.
Come to be forgiven.
He answers the deep call of my heart and satisfies me to overflowing. Then He sets out with me to proclaim that truth. To call others to the amazing love that awaits them in the presence of God. To love as Jesus loves.
But before I can love with a safe love, I have to find my fill in Him.
And then, only then, can I go and love likewise.
But I digress.
On my second notepad when my little girl caught me writing book ideas, I was also writing a prayer for an unmarried couple in front of us at church. The degree to which the young lady was into this gentleman caused my heart to cry out for her. The degree to which she missed that he wasn't as equally into her touched a spot in my heart that stings, even after ten years of marriage. I remember longing for someone to love me with that same intensity. I remember snuggling up close and believing that relationship was all I needed. Unfortunately, I wasn't safe in that because my longing wasn't really for that person, it was for them to fill me. And no one could.
So I hid. I hid from the truth that no person could fill that need by trying over and over to find someone who could. In time, I learned to live with the guilt of being "too much" or "too needy" and move on after one more relationship crumbled under the strain of that bottomless well of need.
Watching that cycle continue in the couple at church Sunday, my heart longed to reach out to them and share the truths that took me over ten years and many tears to learn:
"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." Oswald Chambers
"We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. Our need does not constitute anyone else's call but God's" Beth Moore
What I've finally received in the deepest part of my heart and am learning to walk out of is that my cavernous need to be loved will be satisfied first in God.
Or it won't be satisfied at all.
Like the young couple at church, I can be so into someone, hoping they will make me feel loved. And sooner or later that person will fall under the weight of that call to love me. Or I can do the flip side and try very hard to fulfill that call to love someone else. And sooner or later, I too will fall under the weight of a burden I can't begin to carry.
A better option by far is to realize my need to be loved is the call of God.
He calls me to come to Him.
Come to be loved.
Come to be filled.
Come to be forgiven.
He answers the deep call of my heart and satisfies me to overflowing. Then He sets out with me to proclaim that truth. To call others to the amazing love that awaits them in the presence of God. To love as Jesus loves.
But before I can love with a safe love, I have to find my fill in Him.
And then, only then, can I go and love likewise.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
The eyes have it
I once heard a writer speak about eyes being a person's most attractive feature. Phrases like "bedroom eyes" and having a "come hither look" or the oft-quoted saying about the eyes being a window to the soul seem to agree with that theory.
I recently read another interesting theory about eyes. This article boldly stated that our eyes are the most important communication device we have. Think with me for a minute about this.
What do haughty eyes look like? Can you picture it? I can.
What about crying eyes? I imagine we have all seen those in the mirror at one time or another.
What about when someone's eyes light up at your arrival? I love how my girls' eyes dance and smile when I walk in the door after being gone for a while. And recently, how my husband's eyes look when we talk. They're alive with depth and interest and affection. That feels incredible.
I also checked out BibleGateway.com to see what God's Word has to say about eyes. There are over five hundred verses that speak on some aspect of eyes.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because in a recent conversation the topic of God's eyes came up and I started thinking a lot about what God's eyes see. Proverbs 15:3 says, "The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch..."
God's eyes saw me before my first breath.
His eyes watched my first step.
My first tear.
My first soccer goal.
My first kiss.
And everything in between and after.
Uncomfortable thought?
For many hiding, hurting hearts it is.
Realizing that God has seen everything I have ever done used to make me cringe with shame. Then I felt sad. As I've spent some incredible time this past month hanging out with God in a special place, talking to Him about heart messages and all the painful ways I've received lies about who I am, I started to feel something new.
Comfort.
God's eyes are always on me. They always have been and they always will be. He saw all the bad, yucky stuff of my past, and the bad, yucky stuff of today.
And He keeps watching over me. He keeps loving me.
A conversation I had with my wonderful husband drove this point home. As we were talking about all the stuff we were bringing into the light and talking over with the Lord, he made a comment about shame and how it used to consume him. Then the Lord reminded him that He was there in it all. God saw it all.
And He forgave it all.
Ponder that a minute. God’s eyes see the bad and the good, the stuff in the dark and in the light. And He loves.
His eyes don't condemn. They aren't haughty.
God's eyes smile.
They laugh.
They shine out the love He has for us.
I think the most awesome thing about God's eyes is that they see all.
And what do His eyes have?
Forgiveness.
And love.
For you.
Can you see it?
I recently read another interesting theory about eyes. This article boldly stated that our eyes are the most important communication device we have. Think with me for a minute about this.
What do haughty eyes look like? Can you picture it? I can.
What about crying eyes? I imagine we have all seen those in the mirror at one time or another.
What about when someone's eyes light up at your arrival? I love how my girls' eyes dance and smile when I walk in the door after being gone for a while. And recently, how my husband's eyes look when we talk. They're alive with depth and interest and affection. That feels incredible.
I also checked out BibleGateway.com to see what God's Word has to say about eyes. There are over five hundred verses that speak on some aspect of eyes.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because in a recent conversation the topic of God's eyes came up and I started thinking a lot about what God's eyes see. Proverbs 15:3 says, "The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch..."
God's eyes saw me before my first breath.
His eyes watched my first step.
My first tear.
My first soccer goal.
My first kiss.
And everything in between and after.
Uncomfortable thought?
For many hiding, hurting hearts it is.
Realizing that God has seen everything I have ever done used to make me cringe with shame. Then I felt sad. As I've spent some incredible time this past month hanging out with God in a special place, talking to Him about heart messages and all the painful ways I've received lies about who I am, I started to feel something new.
Comfort.
God's eyes are always on me. They always have been and they always will be. He saw all the bad, yucky stuff of my past, and the bad, yucky stuff of today.
And He keeps watching over me. He keeps loving me.
A conversation I had with my wonderful husband drove this point home. As we were talking about all the stuff we were bringing into the light and talking over with the Lord, he made a comment about shame and how it used to consume him. Then the Lord reminded him that He was there in it all. God saw it all.
And He forgave it all.
Ponder that a minute. God’s eyes see the bad and the good, the stuff in the dark and in the light. And He loves.
His eyes don't condemn. They aren't haughty.
God's eyes smile.
They laugh.
They shine out the love He has for us.
I think the most awesome thing about God's eyes is that they see all.
And what do His eyes have?
Forgiveness.
And love.
For you.
Can you see it?
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Borrowed Hope
At the Smalley Marriage Intensive we attended in early March, one of the counselors said something that set the course for our time together. He said, "We've seen miracles and I want you to borrow the hope we have because of what we've seen."
I did.
And God more than restored my hope. He's truly healing my heart.
I've already shared some about the fear cycle we all dance around in and the way of escape through personal responsibility, taking care of your heart, and hanging out with the Lord. I'd like to elaborate a little more on what all that looks like and add another vital part of the journey... forgiveness.
All too often, we’re rushed to forgive before we've really done the necessary heart work with the Lord first. It's like pouring water into hard-packed and rocky soil. The water alone doesn't make the seed produce a crop because there’s no place for roots to take hold. In the same way, trying to pour in truth about your value from God and apply the Scriptures about forgiveness when your heart is full of rocky lies and hard-packed heart messages yields little fruit. (Matthew 13:3-9 and 18-23)
We live out of what we believe.
And we believe what is written on our hearts.
When our hearts are full of messages from the enemy, lies about who we are, we will live our lives doing the dance of fear and inviting people to join us at every turn. Forgiveness will remain a brass ring we keep missing every revolution around the carousel.
There is a better way.
It starts with realizing it's your job to get out of the fear cycle. Don't go down the dead-end road of "If he or she would just change, everything would be better."
No it won't.
Because if your heart is still full of the enemy's messages, you'll just keep dancing to the tune of fear.
You see, the enemy knows who we are and fears us. So it's his effective plan to keep us in the cycle of fear, adding more and more messages and wearing us out as we try to live according to God's Word but fail more than succeed.
Come, borrow my hope, and learn a new dance.
Step one: Run to God. When you realize you're starting to dance to the tune of fear, step out of the fear cycle with its ineffective coping mechanism, like anger and avoidance, and climb up into your Heavenly Father's lap.
Ask, "What's written on my heart, Lord?"
In other words, when you get alone with God, let the story of your heart pour out. Acknowledge the offenses against you and the pain you feel, then ask God to identify the heart messages. Ask what the hurts and memories say about you. Together drag the messages out into the light.
Remember, it's your job to attend to your heart. It's you and God ~ that's a powerful combination.
One caution: Don't should yourself. Let go of the "I shouldn't feel this way." "I should have known better."
Ask the Lord what's going on in your heart. Don't try to figure it out. Because any time the mind and heart skirmish, the heart always wins. You will live out of what you believe in your heart, not what you think you should believe.
Step two: Hang out with the Lord. Feel the pain that you stuffed into the dark box along with the messages the enemy scribbled on your heart.
Picture yourself as a child nestled safely in the Lord's arms.
And listen.
Ask God what He says about you, what He sees. Ask your Heavenly Daddy what He values about you specifically.
Then listen closely. He has a beautiful song to sing about the wonder and joy He feels toward you, His dearly loved child. (Ephesians 5:1; Colossians 3:12)
Step three: Do good self-care. Remember the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself."
Love and take care of yourself. It's the best gift you can give to the people around you.
Guard your heart. Take care of your bear. Get full by doing things that fill you up emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. When you do, your heart will overflow. That kind of life won’t come from all the striving you do to give and serve, but from the fullness of your heart, streams of living water will flow.
Step four: Forgive from the heart. When you've spent time listening to the Lord reveal the lies you've lived from and then sing His truth in their place, forgiveness flows naturally. A heart cleared of the enemy’s rocky messages and full of the Lord's truth no longer needs to keep a strangle hold, demanding repayment from those who have wronged it. A full heart lets God heal the hurt and take care of the hurtful person in His way and in His time.
A full and forgiving heart also comes to the place where it can pray like Jesus, "Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing."
Be aware, this is the hardest journey you will ever encounter. But it's also the most fulfilling.
It's what you were created to experience.
Intimacy. Fullness. Abundant life. Forgiveness.
Hope.
You can have the Life you long for in your heart.
Please feel free to borrow my hope like I borrowed hope from the wonderful people at the Marriage Intensive. In borrowing their hope, I found my own.
And it's awesome!
I did.
And God more than restored my hope. He's truly healing my heart.
I've already shared some about the fear cycle we all dance around in and the way of escape through personal responsibility, taking care of your heart, and hanging out with the Lord. I'd like to elaborate a little more on what all that looks like and add another vital part of the journey... forgiveness.
All too often, we’re rushed to forgive before we've really done the necessary heart work with the Lord first. It's like pouring water into hard-packed and rocky soil. The water alone doesn't make the seed produce a crop because there’s no place for roots to take hold. In the same way, trying to pour in truth about your value from God and apply the Scriptures about forgiveness when your heart is full of rocky lies and hard-packed heart messages yields little fruit. (Matthew 13:3-9 and 18-23)
We live out of what we believe.
And we believe what is written on our hearts.
When our hearts are full of messages from the enemy, lies about who we are, we will live our lives doing the dance of fear and inviting people to join us at every turn. Forgiveness will remain a brass ring we keep missing every revolution around the carousel.
There is a better way.
It starts with realizing it's your job to get out of the fear cycle. Don't go down the dead-end road of "If he or she would just change, everything would be better."
No it won't.
Because if your heart is still full of the enemy's messages, you'll just keep dancing to the tune of fear.
You see, the enemy knows who we are and fears us. So it's his effective plan to keep us in the cycle of fear, adding more and more messages and wearing us out as we try to live according to God's Word but fail more than succeed.
Come, borrow my hope, and learn a new dance.
Step one: Run to God. When you realize you're starting to dance to the tune of fear, step out of the fear cycle with its ineffective coping mechanism, like anger and avoidance, and climb up into your Heavenly Father's lap.
Ask, "What's written on my heart, Lord?"
In other words, when you get alone with God, let the story of your heart pour out. Acknowledge the offenses against you and the pain you feel, then ask God to identify the heart messages. Ask what the hurts and memories say about you. Together drag the messages out into the light.
Remember, it's your job to attend to your heart. It's you and God ~ that's a powerful combination.
One caution: Don't should yourself. Let go of the "I shouldn't feel this way." "I should have known better."
Ask the Lord what's going on in your heart. Don't try to figure it out. Because any time the mind and heart skirmish, the heart always wins. You will live out of what you believe in your heart, not what you think you should believe.
Step two: Hang out with the Lord. Feel the pain that you stuffed into the dark box along with the messages the enemy scribbled on your heart.
Picture yourself as a child nestled safely in the Lord's arms.
And listen.
Ask God what He says about you, what He sees. Ask your Heavenly Daddy what He values about you specifically.
Then listen closely. He has a beautiful song to sing about the wonder and joy He feels toward you, His dearly loved child. (Ephesians 5:1; Colossians 3:12)
Step three: Do good self-care. Remember the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself."
Love and take care of yourself. It's the best gift you can give to the people around you.
Guard your heart. Take care of your bear. Get full by doing things that fill you up emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. When you do, your heart will overflow. That kind of life won’t come from all the striving you do to give and serve, but from the fullness of your heart, streams of living water will flow.
Step four: Forgive from the heart. When you've spent time listening to the Lord reveal the lies you've lived from and then sing His truth in their place, forgiveness flows naturally. A heart cleared of the enemy’s rocky messages and full of the Lord's truth no longer needs to keep a strangle hold, demanding repayment from those who have wronged it. A full heart lets God heal the hurt and take care of the hurtful person in His way and in His time.
A full and forgiving heart also comes to the place where it can pray like Jesus, "Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing."
Be aware, this is the hardest journey you will ever encounter. But it's also the most fulfilling.
It's what you were created to experience.
Intimacy. Fullness. Abundant life. Forgiveness.
Hope.
You can have the Life you long for in your heart.
Please feel free to borrow my hope like I borrowed hope from the wonderful people at the Marriage Intensive. In borrowing their hope, I found my own.
And it's awesome!
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Easter Blessings
I wanted to share a precious poem my oldest princess wrote today. Hope it blesses you as it has me.
Not Easter eggs
It's Jesus Christ
He died so we
Could have a new life
He rose again
So that in us
A new life may begin
Not Easter eggs
It's Jesus Christ
He died so we
Could have a new life
He rose again
So that in us
A new life may begin
Behold
Behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world
Behold the nail scarred hands now raised in victory
Behold love
And rejoice
Behold the nail scarred hands now raised in victory
Behold love
And rejoice
Friday, March 25, 2005
Come and sing
I remember my chains
My days in the sand
The bruises and blisters
My heart's barren land
Father, where are you?
Through tears I can't see
Will you deliver?
Come. Rescue me.
My child, listen closely
I'm speaking to you
Remember My nails
Remember the truth
You are forgiven
You are set free
You are My child
Come sing to me
How can I sing?
The notes are all wrong
I don't remember
The words of our song.
The song has since faded
Like the days of my youth
Father, come quickly
I'm hungry for truth.
Come home, Beloved
Come rest, My child
I'm your safe harbor
Come sit for a while
Come let Me hold you
Pour out your life's song
Be still and listen
Here you belong
Every note to your story
Was perfectly placed
By My hand of mercy
By My hand of grace
The deserts, the victories
The wandering days
All hold together
In My embrace
Come child and listen as I sing over you
Come and discover our song's complete tune
Come child and listen
Come seek My face
I AM your longing
Your hiding place
Come let Me fill you
Come and drink deep
Come home, precious child
My days in the sand
The bruises and blisters
My heart's barren land
Father, where are you?
Through tears I can't see
Will you deliver?
Come. Rescue me.
My child, listen closely
I'm speaking to you
Remember My nails
Remember the truth
You are forgiven
You are set free
You are My child
Come sing to me
How can I sing?
The notes are all wrong
I don't remember
The words of our song.
The song has since faded
Like the days of my youth
Father, come quickly
I'm hungry for truth.
Come home, Beloved
Come rest, My child
I'm your safe harbor
Come sit for a while
Come let Me hold you
Pour out your life's song
Be still and listen
Here you belong
Every note to your story
Was perfectly placed
By My hand of mercy
By My hand of grace
The deserts, the victories
The wandering days
All hold together
In My embrace
Come child and listen as I sing over you
Come and discover our song's complete tune
Come child and listen
Come seek My face
I AM your longing
Your hiding place
Come let Me fill you
Come and drink deep
Come home, precious child
Come sing with Me.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
The Place of Grace
Last post I promised to share how the escape from the fear cycle is looking in my home. Here goes...
Imagine with me for a minute. Picture your favorite stuffed animal ~ one you loved all the fur off of when you were little or one you've seen somewhere and longed to hold. Mine's an adorable black bear cub with soft fur and chocolate eyes that fits perfectly in my arms for a hug. Once you have a picture of whatever your favorite stuffed animal would be, pretend it's your heart, something very near and dear to you. How would you treat it? Would you hold it close to you and protect it? Would you toss it across the room for someone else to play with? Would you hand it over to your husband or your kids? Would you hide it away so no one could see it?
What do you think Jesus tells us to do with our stuffed animal heart? Give it away? Nope. In fact He says the opposite: "Guard your heart for it affects everything you do." (Proverbs 4:23)
So how does this relate to getting out of the fear cycle? Good question.
Answer: it's the first step. Guard your heart. Take personal responsibility for your heart because it affects everything you do. Protect your teddy bear.
All too often we hear that we're to give ourselves away for the sake of the gospel because we have so much truth and people need us to show them the light. Maybe you've interpreted that like I did and felt guilty because what you had to give was never enough. Here's what I thought that meant using my teddy bear as an example of how I handled my heart:
People saw my teddy bear, thought it was adorable, and wanted to hold onto it to help them through a tough spot. So because God made me with a deep desire to share the truth and a sensitive heart that longed to help, I allowed people to borrow my bear for a while. It felt good to know I could help; I could comfort those in need. The problem came when I wanted my bear back, when I felt a little tired and needed to rest. But I'd let go of it and the other person became dependent on it to make them feel okay. And I became dependent on them taking care of my bear. So what did I do?
I listened to religious sounding words that told me to pour myself out without showing me how get filled. I listened to guilt inducing words that told me I had so much to give I shouldn't have needs of my own And if I did, I was selfish. So I let others smother all the fur off my bear. Then they threw it back to me and wanted me to fix it and give it back to them.
That's where I was a few weeks ago. With a tattered and torn teddy bear and nowhere to go to get it fixed. I thought God wanted me to keep giving myself away and I was hurt that when I did it didn't really help others and it depleted what little I had. Others needs and my needs were a bottomless well that I felt guilty for not being able to fill.
Then the people at the Marriage Intensive spoke an interesting word of truth. Yes, the Bible does tell us to be poured out like a drink offering, to give and it will be given to us, to comfort those in need, to consider others better than ourselves. But the truth that's so often not given at the same time is that I can't do any of those things unless I am perfect like Christ. (Matthew 5:48) In the Greek perfect means "complete" not the highest standard of having all our ducks in a nice religious row like I've been told to work hard to do.
In other words, I'm to give only after I’m complete. But I'm left with an impossible situation if I don’t know how to get complete. All I've heard on how to get there are nebulous words like "be perfect” “be filled with the Spirit" "rest in the Vine" "depend on Jesus to live His life through you."
Maybe I'm slow. Because I thought I was doing those things, but it never worked. I prayed more, served more, read more, woke up earlier to do even more quiet time, and all I felt was exhausted.
Remember my tattered teddy bear heart? The one full of guilt for not being enough? Here's what I learned: It's not enough. Doesn't that feel better? No, it didn't to me either. Not until I heard the rest of what my Heavenly Daddy was saying. Before being poured out, giving myself away, and putting others first, I had to take care of myself (Philippians 2:4) by finding my completeness in Him.
To do that, I had to go back to the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself."
What does that look like?
It looks like curling up with my teddy bear and spending time in the Father's arms.
That means always holding onto my teddy bear and protecting it~ taking personal responsibility for its care and not hoping others will do it. It means hanging out with God to get full~ all my heart, soul, mind, and strength loving God. And then I can share my teddy bear heart with others as long as they treat it well. If they don’t, I still have my hand on it so I can pull it back and run to God. In other words, spend time with God to get full and spend time with God to stay full. That’s how you guard your heart.
Love God by obeying His command to "Come to me all you who are weary." Love God by spending time with Him and taking care of someone He values with His life~ YOU.
In your emotions: get information from your feelings, listen to your heart, and talk to God about what you hear.
In your spirit: hang out with God and listen to what He says about you.
In your mind: feed it with healthy things.
And in your body: rest, exercise, and eat well.
Talk and listen to Him, enjoy His creation, listen to music that inspires you, read books that draw you closer to God, play, laugh, exercise, eat healthy; spend some time doing whatever fills you. Then you'll have something to give. Then you can love others as you love yourself because you've spent time letting your Heavenly Daddy love you. "We love because He first loved us."
Last time I shared a little about how to empty your heart of the fears and messages that fill it up and wear you out. That's part of taking personal responsibility for your heart: taking your tattered teddy bear to God and letting all the memories and pain out and paying attention to the messages the enemy scribbled onto your heart through the pain. Then let God sing His truth there. He has so much good to say about you.
The other part is what we talked about today, taking care of your teddy bear heart by spending time with God. Love Him by letting Him fill your heart, spirit, mind, and body. Then you can love others as yourself.
Getting filled by God, taking care of your heart, is the best gift you can give.
Jesus did it. (Luke 5:16; John 12:36)
You can too. (Romans 15:13; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
And when you do, your teddy bear heart will be a place where grace abounds.
What a great place to be!
Imagine with me for a minute. Picture your favorite stuffed animal ~ one you loved all the fur off of when you were little or one you've seen somewhere and longed to hold. Mine's an adorable black bear cub with soft fur and chocolate eyes that fits perfectly in my arms for a hug. Once you have a picture of whatever your favorite stuffed animal would be, pretend it's your heart, something very near and dear to you. How would you treat it? Would you hold it close to you and protect it? Would you toss it across the room for someone else to play with? Would you hand it over to your husband or your kids? Would you hide it away so no one could see it?
What do you think Jesus tells us to do with our stuffed animal heart? Give it away? Nope. In fact He says the opposite: "Guard your heart for it affects everything you do." (Proverbs 4:23)
So how does this relate to getting out of the fear cycle? Good question.
Answer: it's the first step. Guard your heart. Take personal responsibility for your heart because it affects everything you do. Protect your teddy bear.
All too often we hear that we're to give ourselves away for the sake of the gospel because we have so much truth and people need us to show them the light. Maybe you've interpreted that like I did and felt guilty because what you had to give was never enough. Here's what I thought that meant using my teddy bear as an example of how I handled my heart:
People saw my teddy bear, thought it was adorable, and wanted to hold onto it to help them through a tough spot. So because God made me with a deep desire to share the truth and a sensitive heart that longed to help, I allowed people to borrow my bear for a while. It felt good to know I could help; I could comfort those in need. The problem came when I wanted my bear back, when I felt a little tired and needed to rest. But I'd let go of it and the other person became dependent on it to make them feel okay. And I became dependent on them taking care of my bear. So what did I do?
I listened to religious sounding words that told me to pour myself out without showing me how get filled. I listened to guilt inducing words that told me I had so much to give I shouldn't have needs of my own And if I did, I was selfish. So I let others smother all the fur off my bear. Then they threw it back to me and wanted me to fix it and give it back to them.
That's where I was a few weeks ago. With a tattered and torn teddy bear and nowhere to go to get it fixed. I thought God wanted me to keep giving myself away and I was hurt that when I did it didn't really help others and it depleted what little I had. Others needs and my needs were a bottomless well that I felt guilty for not being able to fill.
Then the people at the Marriage Intensive spoke an interesting word of truth. Yes, the Bible does tell us to be poured out like a drink offering, to give and it will be given to us, to comfort those in need, to consider others better than ourselves. But the truth that's so often not given at the same time is that I can't do any of those things unless I am perfect like Christ. (Matthew 5:48) In the Greek perfect means "complete" not the highest standard of having all our ducks in a nice religious row like I've been told to work hard to do.
In other words, I'm to give only after I’m complete. But I'm left with an impossible situation if I don’t know how to get complete. All I've heard on how to get there are nebulous words like "be perfect” “be filled with the Spirit" "rest in the Vine" "depend on Jesus to live His life through you."
Maybe I'm slow. Because I thought I was doing those things, but it never worked. I prayed more, served more, read more, woke up earlier to do even more quiet time, and all I felt was exhausted.
Remember my tattered teddy bear heart? The one full of guilt for not being enough? Here's what I learned: It's not enough. Doesn't that feel better? No, it didn't to me either. Not until I heard the rest of what my Heavenly Daddy was saying. Before being poured out, giving myself away, and putting others first, I had to take care of myself (Philippians 2:4) by finding my completeness in Him.
To do that, I had to go back to the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself."
What does that look like?
It looks like curling up with my teddy bear and spending time in the Father's arms.
That means always holding onto my teddy bear and protecting it~ taking personal responsibility for its care and not hoping others will do it. It means hanging out with God to get full~ all my heart, soul, mind, and strength loving God. And then I can share my teddy bear heart with others as long as they treat it well. If they don’t, I still have my hand on it so I can pull it back and run to God. In other words, spend time with God to get full and spend time with God to stay full. That’s how you guard your heart.
Love God by obeying His command to "Come to me all you who are weary." Love God by spending time with Him and taking care of someone He values with His life~ YOU.
In your emotions: get information from your feelings, listen to your heart, and talk to God about what you hear.
In your spirit: hang out with God and listen to what He says about you.
In your mind: feed it with healthy things.
And in your body: rest, exercise, and eat well.
Talk and listen to Him, enjoy His creation, listen to music that inspires you, read books that draw you closer to God, play, laugh, exercise, eat healthy; spend some time doing whatever fills you. Then you'll have something to give. Then you can love others as you love yourself because you've spent time letting your Heavenly Daddy love you. "We love because He first loved us."
Last time I shared a little about how to empty your heart of the fears and messages that fill it up and wear you out. That's part of taking personal responsibility for your heart: taking your tattered teddy bear to God and letting all the memories and pain out and paying attention to the messages the enemy scribbled onto your heart through the pain. Then let God sing His truth there. He has so much good to say about you.
The other part is what we talked about today, taking care of your teddy bear heart by spending time with God. Love Him by letting Him fill your heart, spirit, mind, and body. Then you can love others as yourself.
Getting filled by God, taking care of your heart, is the best gift you can give.
Jesus did it. (Luke 5:16; John 12:36)
You can too. (Romans 15:13; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
And when you do, your teddy bear heart will be a place where grace abounds.
What a great place to be!
Monday, March 14, 2005
The Fear Factor
No worms or worse to eat here, unlike the TV show. :-) But I do want to share some interesting stuff I'm learning about fear...
Did you know fear is one of the most powerful motivators around? Consider how it affects your life. It may be a grab-you-by-the-throat, heart-stopping fight or flight response. Or it may come packaged in a little different wording. How about stress? Worry? Annoyance? Feeling uncomfortable? Wanting to run and hide? Sleep all day? Or a drive to work harder and better and smarter?
Did I miss anyone?
Not me. I learned this past week that I have lived most of my life with a very defined set of fears that drives every encounter I have~ from my spouse and children to people at church. I also learned my husband has his own set of fears that, like me, started way back when.
And I'm far from alone here.
Imagine a circle. At the top are one person’s fears, they feed into that person’s learned coping mechanisms, which interestingly enough slam into person number two’s fears, which feed his/her coping mechanisms and on around the circle slam right back into person number one’s fears. Nasty cycle.
Here's an example of how it looks in my home. My precious princesses fail to listen to my instructions about the level of noise in our home (which I'm convinced exceeds OSHA regulations) and I have laundry to do, mail to deal with, a ringing phone, a full calendar, and three meals to fix and/or clean up after. Before this past week my way of "handling it" was to yell and do a whole lot of disciplining in order to stop the pressure in my cranium and calm myself down. Enter my husband who makes a comment about how he has a ton of work to do and begins to download about his day. My stress level rises and I'm feeling drained. This hits hard at my fear of failing. So I get angry and snap at my husband about my hard day hoping he'll hear me and help me see that I'm not a failure. My anger and demanding him to make me feel better hits hard at his fear of inadequacy and he withdrawals. I hear the message from his withdrawal response that I've failed and we continue to trip through this cycle into more and more hurt.
Before last week we'd tried learning about love languages, reading more and more scriptures and marriage books on how to improve our communication or redeem our coping mechanisms, trying to build fun into our marriage, trying to lessen our commitments, or one of the least effective: finding more places to serve in the church.
Nothing helped. And in the long run none of it will truly get to the heart of the problem no matter how hard you try.
Because the heart of the problem is the heart.
When your heart is full of fears and messages that got written there when those fears started, you have no room for truth to permeate and heal. It's as if your heart is full of hard packed dirt. Water will get rid of some of it, but that takes time. So while you try hard to wash your mind with truth and “do better” and at the same time ignore the dirt, more dirt, more heart messages, get added.
Messages like "I'm a disappointment." "I'm unlovable." "I'm a nobody." "I'm a failure." Messages that feel so real you can taste your tears.
And that's where the healing begins. With your tears. Those watery things that you try to wipe away as you shove those messages and fears into a dark little box hoping that’ll stop the hurt. But the enemy is in charge of the darkness there and is thrilled when you keep shoving things into it.
So the answer lies in bringing those messages into the light, feeling the fullness of the pain, and climbing up into God's lap and letting him wash away the lies with His whispers of truth.
Simple. Not easy.
It hurts. A lot. But I promise it won't leave you crumpled into a heap when you drag the fears and messages into the light. The opposite will happen. You'll start down the path of true healing.
I'll share next time what this fear cycle escape is beginning to look like in my home. Lots of Kleenex and time with the Lord is truly doing a new thing in my home. And it's awesome to see.
I shared with you in my example one of my fears~ failing. One of the deep, deep messages written on my heart from many sources and places I failed was this, "I'm a disappointment." I worked hard to prove that wasn't true, struggled to believe it wasn't true, and failed miserably.
Want to know what worked?
Hanging out with the Lord. Listening to my heart and then His heart toward me.
Want to know what He said?
"Come home, Amy. You are my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased."
And then He sang me a song.
Listen closely....
He's singing over you too.
Did you know fear is one of the most powerful motivators around? Consider how it affects your life. It may be a grab-you-by-the-throat, heart-stopping fight or flight response. Or it may come packaged in a little different wording. How about stress? Worry? Annoyance? Feeling uncomfortable? Wanting to run and hide? Sleep all day? Or a drive to work harder and better and smarter?
Did I miss anyone?
Not me. I learned this past week that I have lived most of my life with a very defined set of fears that drives every encounter I have~ from my spouse and children to people at church. I also learned my husband has his own set of fears that, like me, started way back when.
And I'm far from alone here.
Imagine a circle. At the top are one person’s fears, they feed into that person’s learned coping mechanisms, which interestingly enough slam into person number two’s fears, which feed his/her coping mechanisms and on around the circle slam right back into person number one’s fears. Nasty cycle.
Here's an example of how it looks in my home. My precious princesses fail to listen to my instructions about the level of noise in our home (which I'm convinced exceeds OSHA regulations) and I have laundry to do, mail to deal with, a ringing phone, a full calendar, and three meals to fix and/or clean up after. Before this past week my way of "handling it" was to yell and do a whole lot of disciplining in order to stop the pressure in my cranium and calm myself down. Enter my husband who makes a comment about how he has a ton of work to do and begins to download about his day. My stress level rises and I'm feeling drained. This hits hard at my fear of failing. So I get angry and snap at my husband about my hard day hoping he'll hear me and help me see that I'm not a failure. My anger and demanding him to make me feel better hits hard at his fear of inadequacy and he withdrawals. I hear the message from his withdrawal response that I've failed and we continue to trip through this cycle into more and more hurt.
Before last week we'd tried learning about love languages, reading more and more scriptures and marriage books on how to improve our communication or redeem our coping mechanisms, trying to build fun into our marriage, trying to lessen our commitments, or one of the least effective: finding more places to serve in the church.
Nothing helped. And in the long run none of it will truly get to the heart of the problem no matter how hard you try.
Because the heart of the problem is the heart.
When your heart is full of fears and messages that got written there when those fears started, you have no room for truth to permeate and heal. It's as if your heart is full of hard packed dirt. Water will get rid of some of it, but that takes time. So while you try hard to wash your mind with truth and “do better” and at the same time ignore the dirt, more dirt, more heart messages, get added.
Messages like "I'm a disappointment." "I'm unlovable." "I'm a nobody." "I'm a failure." Messages that feel so real you can taste your tears.
And that's where the healing begins. With your tears. Those watery things that you try to wipe away as you shove those messages and fears into a dark little box hoping that’ll stop the hurt. But the enemy is in charge of the darkness there and is thrilled when you keep shoving things into it.
So the answer lies in bringing those messages into the light, feeling the fullness of the pain, and climbing up into God's lap and letting him wash away the lies with His whispers of truth.
Simple. Not easy.
It hurts. A lot. But I promise it won't leave you crumpled into a heap when you drag the fears and messages into the light. The opposite will happen. You'll start down the path of true healing.
I'll share next time what this fear cycle escape is beginning to look like in my home. Lots of Kleenex and time with the Lord is truly doing a new thing in my home. And it's awesome to see.
I shared with you in my example one of my fears~ failing. One of the deep, deep messages written on my heart from many sources and places I failed was this, "I'm a disappointment." I worked hard to prove that wasn't true, struggled to believe it wasn't true, and failed miserably.
Want to know what worked?
Hanging out with the Lord. Listening to my heart and then His heart toward me.
Want to know what He said?
"Come home, Amy. You are my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased."
And then He sang me a song.
Listen closely....
He's singing over you too.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Checking In
Ever had God pour so much into your life that you have to take some time to sit with it and process? That's where I am right now~ processing and soaking in all the amazing things God has revealed.
For those who have wondered where I've been... here are two links worth checking into. http://www.smalleymarriage.com/
http://www.winshapemarriage.org/
This is where I've been the past week and a glimpse into some of the awesome things God has been writing on my heart.
Before I head off to bed to practice some good self-care, I want to leave you with a thought to ponder...
Listen to your heart... God has so much good to write there.
For those who have wondered where I've been... here are two links worth checking into. http://www.smalleymarriage.com/
http://www.winshapemarriage.org/
This is where I've been the past week and a glimpse into some of the awesome things God has been writing on my heart.
Before I head off to bed to practice some good self-care, I want to leave you with a thought to ponder...
Listen to your heart... God has so much good to write there.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Drops of grace
I've been struggling to find something to write about lately. Not because I have nothing to say, but because what I want to say hurts. Because right now, life hurts. One glance in the mirror and I find myself in tears. And in silence.
When my precious princesses are in bed, my life is filled with silence. A loud silence that shouts of empty promises and painful realities. It wasn't always that way. There were days not long ago when I'd sing with my girls or sing with my favorite CD's. But the past few months I haven't done that much.
Because singing hurts inside.
It invites me into a longing for something I don't feel and want desperately.
Love. And words. Love spoken through words and words filled with love.
But I can't get the songs that touch my soul out of my head. Not completely. And three in particular keep ringing through my brain. One is from my all-time favorite musician, Steven Curtis Chapman. In "Much of You" he sings, "I want to make much of You, Jesus. I want to make much of Your love. I want to live today to give You the praise. That You alone are so worthy of."
My heart sings this song in the morning. Then by midday I'm trying to ignore those words because I've failed to live them more than I care to admit. But even as I type this, God's whispers, "My mercies are new each morning." I'm slow to risk believing that. But each morning the song still comes.
Another song that is teaching me truth and binding my wounds calls to me in the times of failure. Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" yells at me over the waves that this storm I'm in is in His hands. Even more, "this is for my glory" and "I will soar with the wings of eagles, when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me."
Jesus sent His disciples into the storm. And so, He sends me. Right now I'm holding onto the promise that this is for His glory. I hope my heart catches up soon.
The last song is by far the hardest for me. Rich Mullins sings in "Let Mercy Lead" that I should, "Let mercy lead. Let love be the strength in your legs. And in every footprint that you leave, there'll be a drop of grace."
Therein is my biggest struggle. To love. To let mercy lead. To listen over the storms of silence that reign in my home and speak love instead of returning the hurt and pain. I want my footsteps to leave a drop of grace wherever I go.
And so I allow myself to listen to the Voice that calls to me through these songs. The One that invites me into a longing that only He can fulfill. A longing that is filled, at least to a small degree, as I let mercy lead.
He calls me to love those whose acts are unloving.
He calls me to long for a reconciliation that scares me as much as it draws me.
He calls me into the storm.
He calls me to praise Him. To sing.
And so I will.
Because He loves me.
And with every tear-filled footstep, I pray I will leave a drop of grace.
When my precious princesses are in bed, my life is filled with silence. A loud silence that shouts of empty promises and painful realities. It wasn't always that way. There were days not long ago when I'd sing with my girls or sing with my favorite CD's. But the past few months I haven't done that much.
Because singing hurts inside.
It invites me into a longing for something I don't feel and want desperately.
Love. And words. Love spoken through words and words filled with love.
But I can't get the songs that touch my soul out of my head. Not completely. And three in particular keep ringing through my brain. One is from my all-time favorite musician, Steven Curtis Chapman. In "Much of You" he sings, "I want to make much of You, Jesus. I want to make much of Your love. I want to live today to give You the praise. That You alone are so worthy of."
My heart sings this song in the morning. Then by midday I'm trying to ignore those words because I've failed to live them more than I care to admit. But even as I type this, God's whispers, "My mercies are new each morning." I'm slow to risk believing that. But each morning the song still comes.
Another song that is teaching me truth and binding my wounds calls to me in the times of failure. Casting Crowns "Voice of Truth" yells at me over the waves that this storm I'm in is in His hands. Even more, "this is for my glory" and "I will soar with the wings of eagles, when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me."
Jesus sent His disciples into the storm. And so, He sends me. Right now I'm holding onto the promise that this is for His glory. I hope my heart catches up soon.
The last song is by far the hardest for me. Rich Mullins sings in "Let Mercy Lead" that I should, "Let mercy lead. Let love be the strength in your legs. And in every footprint that you leave, there'll be a drop of grace."
Therein is my biggest struggle. To love. To let mercy lead. To listen over the storms of silence that reign in my home and speak love instead of returning the hurt and pain. I want my footsteps to leave a drop of grace wherever I go.
And so I allow myself to listen to the Voice that calls to me through these songs. The One that invites me into a longing that only He can fulfill. A longing that is filled, at least to a small degree, as I let mercy lead.
He calls me to love those whose acts are unloving.
He calls me to long for a reconciliation that scares me as much as it draws me.
He calls me into the storm.
He calls me to praise Him. To sing.
And so I will.
Because He loves me.
And with every tear-filled footstep, I pray I will leave a drop of grace.
Monday, February 28, 2005
The Opposite of Love
The opposite of love is hate, right? I'm starting to wonder. My best friend got me thinking today with one of her favorite quotes from Martin Luther: "Love God? Sometimes I hate Him."
Me too.
I hate God when He brings things into my life that bring me to my knees in pain. My health, my marriage, the mirror of His Word that exposes my excuses and shines its light on my sin. I yell, I cry, I stomp my feet like a two year old, and I hate.
But after I've exhausted my emotional energy, and all I can do is sit, I hear His quiet voice say, "Come." And I do. I run right back into the arms of the one I said I hated. Why? Because "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him."
So maybe hate isn't the opposite of love. Maybe it's an emotion that reveals hurt, fear, anger, disappointment and at the same time love. I only get vulnerable and express intense emotions to a person I'm close to and trust. And only someone I love can hurt me to the point I that I release control of my emotions in an effort to stop the hurt.
Then I ponder what the Word says about love and obedience. "If you love me, you will obey what I command." (John 14:15) When I sin I chose myself before God. Is that hate?
Or is it indifference?
Isn't sin a total disregard of God, a choice to turn my back and walk my way instead of His way?
If so, then the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.
I pray I never grow so cold that I cease to care. It would be easier though, hurt less. I'd like to live without the intense emotion of hate. But not if it means I feel nothing.
So I continue to long for a God that I both love with all I am and hate for all the pain He allows. But either way I still come.
Maybe one day I'll grow to the place where I don't shake my fist at heaven and I learn to accept His work in my life without such struggle. But until then, I chose not to hide my emotions and all their intensity.
God knows them anyway.
And He still extends His hand and says, "Come."
Me too.
I hate God when He brings things into my life that bring me to my knees in pain. My health, my marriage, the mirror of His Word that exposes my excuses and shines its light on my sin. I yell, I cry, I stomp my feet like a two year old, and I hate.
But after I've exhausted my emotional energy, and all I can do is sit, I hear His quiet voice say, "Come." And I do. I run right back into the arms of the one I said I hated. Why? Because "Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him."
So maybe hate isn't the opposite of love. Maybe it's an emotion that reveals hurt, fear, anger, disappointment and at the same time love. I only get vulnerable and express intense emotions to a person I'm close to and trust. And only someone I love can hurt me to the point I that I release control of my emotions in an effort to stop the hurt.
Then I ponder what the Word says about love and obedience. "If you love me, you will obey what I command." (John 14:15) When I sin I chose myself before God. Is that hate?
Or is it indifference?
Isn't sin a total disregard of God, a choice to turn my back and walk my way instead of His way?
If so, then the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.
I pray I never grow so cold that I cease to care. It would be easier though, hurt less. I'd like to live without the intense emotion of hate. But not if it means I feel nothing.
So I continue to long for a God that I both love with all I am and hate for all the pain He allows. But either way I still come.
Maybe one day I'll grow to the place where I don't shake my fist at heaven and I learn to accept His work in my life without such struggle. But until then, I chose not to hide my emotions and all their intensity.
God knows them anyway.
And He still extends His hand and says, "Come."
Thursday, February 24, 2005
It is finished...
Aren't those awesome words? Truth be told, I'm pretty excited about those words because I just typed THE END on my fifth manuscript. It's a great feeling!
Except that I know I'm not totally finished. There are revisions to be done before my baby gets shipped off to the interested editor. And after my story is contracted there'll be even more work to do.
But for right now I'm going to enjoy a small taste of what completion feels like. And ponder the meaning of the word "finished."
Have you ever wondered if Jesus' words from the cross, His declaration of triumph, "It is finished" really meant finished as in totally, absolutely done?
Do you believe those words?
Yes and no.
Yes in the sense that I believe as fact Jesus accomplished for me on the cross what I could never accomplish for myself. He purchased my sin and paid the debt in full, giving me His righteousness in its place.
But if I'm honest, my answer has to be no sometimes too. No in that I hide from this truth in how I act. I try to add to what Jesus did by performing good works in order to gain His favor. Or I try to do those good things to gain the favor of others.
Good works are good if it's God working in you to will and act according to His good purpose. But they don't change how God thinks or feels about you. They don't change your standing before a holy God.
That was finished on the cross. Finished. Complete. Done. Never to be changed.
God will forever see me as His forgiven child, complete in Him, lacking nothing.
I don't have to work for His favor or His love.
I can rest.
So can you.
Because Jesus' "finished" means just that.
It is finished.
Except that I know I'm not totally finished. There are revisions to be done before my baby gets shipped off to the interested editor. And after my story is contracted there'll be even more work to do.
But for right now I'm going to enjoy a small taste of what completion feels like. And ponder the meaning of the word "finished."
Have you ever wondered if Jesus' words from the cross, His declaration of triumph, "It is finished" really meant finished as in totally, absolutely done?
Do you believe those words?
Yes and no.
Yes in the sense that I believe as fact Jesus accomplished for me on the cross what I could never accomplish for myself. He purchased my sin and paid the debt in full, giving me His righteousness in its place.
But if I'm honest, my answer has to be no sometimes too. No in that I hide from this truth in how I act. I try to add to what Jesus did by performing good works in order to gain His favor. Or I try to do those good things to gain the favor of others.
Good works are good if it's God working in you to will and act according to His good purpose. But they don't change how God thinks or feels about you. They don't change your standing before a holy God.
That was finished on the cross. Finished. Complete. Done. Never to be changed.
God will forever see me as His forgiven child, complete in Him, lacking nothing.
I don't have to work for His favor or His love.
I can rest.
So can you.
Because Jesus' "finished" means just that.
It is finished.
Monday, February 21, 2005
What happens when you pray...
Things change, right? Mountains move, healing happens, relationships are restored. Except sometimes it doesn't seem like it.
Sometimes those amazing answers to prayer feel a long way off. Or like they'll never arrive. Then the temptation is to quit praying. Or maybe keep praying, but hide.
How do you hide in prayer?
Lately I've hidden by asking God for a list of things I hope He'll do, instead of believing that God will do His best according to His will in His time. I've also just not asked. I've talked to God about a thousand things, good things even, but not the one thing I most desire.
See, I can ask people to pray for my girls to get better when they're sick or for God to provide my husband with a job. All good things, all things worth asking God to provide. But I can pray and ask others to pray for those things and still hide because I'm not being vulnerable.
It's different when I say I've been praying for over a year and a half for my husband to have a job and for healing for my daughter's reflux and the lack of an answer is stretching my faith and my marriage to the breaking point.
That's coming out of hiding and getting honest with God and others.
That's when change happens.
That's when mountains move.
And that's where I want to be.
How about you?
Sometimes those amazing answers to prayer feel a long way off. Or like they'll never arrive. Then the temptation is to quit praying. Or maybe keep praying, but hide.
How do you hide in prayer?
Lately I've hidden by asking God for a list of things I hope He'll do, instead of believing that God will do His best according to His will in His time. I've also just not asked. I've talked to God about a thousand things, good things even, but not the one thing I most desire.
See, I can ask people to pray for my girls to get better when they're sick or for God to provide my husband with a job. All good things, all things worth asking God to provide. But I can pray and ask others to pray for those things and still hide because I'm not being vulnerable.
It's different when I say I've been praying for over a year and a half for my husband to have a job and for healing for my daughter's reflux and the lack of an answer is stretching my faith and my marriage to the breaking point.
That's coming out of hiding and getting honest with God and others.
That's when change happens.
That's when mountains move.
And that's where I want to be.
How about you?
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Princesses and their Daddy
More often than not, my three girls spend a portion of their day in our playroom dressing the part of fairytale princesses. They transform into pint-sized royals with jewels and dresses and an affected British accent. It's adorable. They prance in front of the mirror and when anyone comes near they ask, "Aren't I beautiful?" My answer is a smiling “yes” and my reward a graceful curtsey.
But when it's their daddy bestowing the compliment, the light in their eyes glows ever brighter and his reward is a dance with exuberant giggles and hugs galore. They delight in their daddy's love.
How about you?
If your heart has ever longed to hear that you are beautiful, if you've ever dreamed of being treated like a princess, learn from my little ones, like I do, and just ask. Ask your Heavenly Daddy.
Can you guess His answer?
It's a resounding YES! You are beautiful. You are loved.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love" He says in Jeremiah 31. God says through Isaiah 43 "...you are precious to me. You are honored and I love you." And through Zephaniah 3:17 your Heavenly Father says "I take great delight in you... I rejoice over you with singing."
So come join the dance.
Your God is waiting with open arms.
Enjoy.
But when it's their daddy bestowing the compliment, the light in their eyes glows ever brighter and his reward is a dance with exuberant giggles and hugs galore. They delight in their daddy's love.
How about you?
If your heart has ever longed to hear that you are beautiful, if you've ever dreamed of being treated like a princess, learn from my little ones, like I do, and just ask. Ask your Heavenly Daddy.
Can you guess His answer?
It's a resounding YES! You are beautiful. You are loved.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love" He says in Jeremiah 31. God says through Isaiah 43 "...you are precious to me. You are honored and I love you." And through Zephaniah 3:17 your Heavenly Father says "I take great delight in you... I rejoice over you with singing."
So come join the dance.
Your God is waiting with open arms.
Enjoy.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Health and healthlessness
Today has been another one of those unfairytale like days. Not because of my kiddos, they were gems today. But because of my health. Being an eighteen-year veteran of diabetes, I'm well accustomed to the daily difficulties of this illness. God has shown me so much about living dependent on Him through this chronic condition that I wouldn't trade what I've learned. I would however, trade this illness in less than a heartbeat.
I believe with all I am that God can heal me, and He will. Maybe not this side of heaven, but it's coming. Right this moment the longing for that day mixes with fear of what will happen before healing arrives. The battle to believe God does what's best is tough. Tougher still when it hurts both physically and emotionally.
My blood sugars continue to hang around 300 (normal is 70-120) and I feel like curling in a ball and going to sleep forever. Everything hurts and my emotions run wild about the possible complications ahead if I can't get things under control. I try to ignore the thoughts, try to pray, but emotions don't obey like a well-trained pet.
Before anyone panics, this isn't the first time I've had a day like today, nor will it be the last. I've done the protocol required and if it continues to stay high I'll be talking to my doctor. It could be as simple as a cold my body is fighting, or hormones arguing about the self-imposed chocolate detox I'm doing today.
Whatever it is, I know God's in control.
And that's where I'm going to hang out in my mind. God is sovereign. God is good. I'll fight the fight of faith.
Will you join me?
I believe with all I am that God can heal me, and He will. Maybe not this side of heaven, but it's coming. Right this moment the longing for that day mixes with fear of what will happen before healing arrives. The battle to believe God does what's best is tough. Tougher still when it hurts both physically and emotionally.
My blood sugars continue to hang around 300 (normal is 70-120) and I feel like curling in a ball and going to sleep forever. Everything hurts and my emotions run wild about the possible complications ahead if I can't get things under control. I try to ignore the thoughts, try to pray, but emotions don't obey like a well-trained pet.
Before anyone panics, this isn't the first time I've had a day like today, nor will it be the last. I've done the protocol required and if it continues to stay high I'll be talking to my doctor. It could be as simple as a cold my body is fighting, or hormones arguing about the self-imposed chocolate detox I'm doing today.
Whatever it is, I know God's in control.
And that's where I'm going to hang out in my mind. God is sovereign. God is good. I'll fight the fight of faith.
Will you join me?
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Princesses and Fairytales
Once upon a time... God blessed me with three little princesses and I penned a fairytale for them. It earned me the "best writer (and mommy) in the world" title, which still makes me smile. Unfortunately, today wasn't one of those happily ever after days I spoke of in our story.
I'm sure it didn't help that I stayed up way too late and got up way too early. Such is life in Mommydom I suppose. ;-)
And while days like today don't get stored in the "warm fuzzies" file, I did learn something. I learned that fairytales have a lot to teach.
Take for instance my favorite "fairy story" as my girls call them. Beauty and the Beast. I was contemplating this story because I resembled the beast more than Belle today. As I pondered why, the whole idea of hiding came to the forefront. Beast hid out of fear that no one would love him. He presented a fierce front, as if he didn't need that love, to protect himself from expected rejection.
Me too.
I'd rather pretend I'm not hurt by my daughter's or other's rejections and so I put on a gruff front. Thing is, I want to be listened to out of love and not fear. But rather than be honest, I hide.
It's easier.
It hurts less. (or so I think)
While that makes for good conflict in a story, it makes for a rotten day.
The solution?
Rather than spend days stewing over a hurt, I need to get honest. With myself. And, in today's case, with my eldest princess. What happens when I do that is better than a fairytale ending. I come clean before God and experience amazing grace. I come clean before my daughter and find that not only did I feel hurt by our confrontation, but so did she. We apologize, sometimes cry, and then reaffirm our love for each other. This process can take a few days or a few minutes. I much prefer the lesser of the two!
And while I still long for the ultimate happily ever after, these little glimpses of joy are worth the work.
Because when I do, I look more like Belle to my princesses than Beast.
I'll take that any day.
I'm sure it didn't help that I stayed up way too late and got up way too early. Such is life in Mommydom I suppose. ;-)
And while days like today don't get stored in the "warm fuzzies" file, I did learn something. I learned that fairytales have a lot to teach.
Take for instance my favorite "fairy story" as my girls call them. Beauty and the Beast. I was contemplating this story because I resembled the beast more than Belle today. As I pondered why, the whole idea of hiding came to the forefront. Beast hid out of fear that no one would love him. He presented a fierce front, as if he didn't need that love, to protect himself from expected rejection.
Me too.
I'd rather pretend I'm not hurt by my daughter's or other's rejections and so I put on a gruff front. Thing is, I want to be listened to out of love and not fear. But rather than be honest, I hide.
It's easier.
It hurts less. (or so I think)
While that makes for good conflict in a story, it makes for a rotten day.
The solution?
Rather than spend days stewing over a hurt, I need to get honest. With myself. And, in today's case, with my eldest princess. What happens when I do that is better than a fairytale ending. I come clean before God and experience amazing grace. I come clean before my daughter and find that not only did I feel hurt by our confrontation, but so did she. We apologize, sometimes cry, and then reaffirm our love for each other. This process can take a few days or a few minutes. I much prefer the lesser of the two!
And while I still long for the ultimate happily ever after, these little glimpses of joy are worth the work.
Because when I do, I look more like Belle to my princesses than Beast.
I'll take that any day.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Happy Valentine's Day
On a day where we typically celebrate the happy, doe-eyed version of love, consider instead a few things besides the chocolate and roses...
1) The cross - a picture of perfect love
2) The heart - your heart, the one God longs to heal
3) The eyes of God- always seeing everything and remaining filled with love
Come and contemplate with me the amazing love of a God who calls us by name and rejoices over us... (John 10:3 and Zephaniah 3:17)
Don't forget to enjoy the chocolate too...
I am! :-)
1) The cross - a picture of perfect love
2) The heart - your heart, the one God longs to heal
3) The eyes of God- always seeing everything and remaining filled with love
Come and contemplate with me the amazing love of a God who calls us by name and rejoices over us... (John 10:3 and Zephaniah 3:17)
Don't forget to enjoy the chocolate too...
I am! :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
