Glass houses and feeling invisible

You know you're a writer when the best way to work out your salvation and frustration is to write or type away on a keyboard. So that's what I'm doing today.

I’ve been home from the American Christian Fiction Writers conference in Dallas, TX for three days now and I can’t shake a word phrase I shared with a few friends in describing my conference experience.

A glass house.

That’s a pretty apt description of the way I feel about most things in my life. I feel like I’m alone outside a huge glass house in which all my friends and other people are having a great time. I can see them. Talk to them. But I can’t really touch or been seen by them.

Please don’t get me wrong, the ACFW conference was incredible. It’s just my gift from God this year came in the form of haunting worship and deep conviction in my heart. Conviction that I’ve chosen this glass house and remain the reason for my own loneliness.

The big question for me is why? And, as is often the case, just getting my thoughts in print helps me to answer that question easily.

Fear.

I think that’s why I stay outside the glass house and grumble about feeling invisible. Even if I long to be invited inside, it’s somehow “safer” to remain on the outside looking in from a distance.

Outside I don’t worry about making a fool of myself or being rejected. As if that hurts more than pervasive loneliness.

Since the ACFW conference, I’m beginning to wonder if that’s true. After listening to and reading about other writers’ stories on what an awesome conference experience they had, I’m starting to think I missed out because I let fear win.

That’s not to say I didn’t have some wonderful moments. Hanging out with my best friend Saturday and laughing with a few precious people Saturday night was awesome. The worship at ACFW was incredible too. As was listening to Liz Curtis Higgs and hearing the Lord speak straight to my heart.

But in truth all those things only illuminated the glass house feeling and made me see this is a theme in my life. Not a glorious realization.

Actually it’s a pretty painful one.

And one I have no idea how to fix or change.

But just in writing this, I feel a stirring in my heart. God is at work there. Doing His painful but fruitful pruning. Poking on the wounds that lies have made and asking me to bring them to Him.

Lies like I’m invisible. Which when I live like that lie is true, I create self-inflicted wounds of fearful living. Loneliness. Missed opportunities to reach out to others and love well. Those wounds spiral downward to create “proof” that I really am invisible. And so the cycle continues.

Until God says, “Peace. Be still.”

It’s scary to be still in front of a holy God who knows every thought of my heart. It seems easier to hide and pretend it’s someone else’s fault I feel alone.

But it’s not. Hiding and blame don’t change anything or help anyone.

And God’s not letting me get away with it this year. It’s been a tough year that feels like everything I’ve touched has gone up in smoke. But there is one thing that remains.

God.

My holy, perfect, all-knowing Daddy. Who in the midst of my toddleresque blame game and hiding still reaches out His hand and draws me to Him.

One thing Liz Curtis Higgs asked us to do during one of her amazing keynote addresses at ACFW was to look in the mirror, stretch out our arms, see ourselves as God sees us, and proclaim: “Ta-da!”

I didn’t do it. Not in my heart.

And I still couldn’t even when I crawled into the safe surroundings of my family who love me so well. But God used them to keep me unsettled—their smiles and their words of love all touched that “I’m alone” lie.

My girls were so excited when I came home and declared over and over that I am the best mommy… EVER! I smiled and shook my head knowing so well that I don’t deserve that title.

But then while writing this, God brought to mind my daughters’ genuine declarations of love, my husband’s eyes that mirror his loving words, and the words and emails of friends who really do see me and really do like me.

Maybe I’m not living outside that glass house after all.

Maybe I’m not invisible.

Then God settles the “maybe” question and whispers to my heart, “I AM the God who sees. I have called you by name. You are Mine.”

That truth is true for all of us who are followers of Christ. We are seen. We are loved. Perfectly. Completely. Even when we don’t feel it.

Does hearing those words change everything? Not exactly. This year has still been hard. I still have a lot of growing up to do. But listening to the Spirit whisper to my heart that I do belong… to Him…that changes the most important thing.

My heart.

So instead of dwelling on my mistakes, misconceptions, or hiding behind glass house living, I’m going to choose to tell myself the truth. I’m going to listen to the Truth.

God says we are wonderfully made. Totally loved. Fully forgiven. His.

I think I’m ready to follow Liz’s instructions. I hope you’ll join me.

Take a long look in the mirror…

Remember Who created you and how He smiles at you…

Lift up your hands…

Agree with your heavenly Daddy and say…

“TA-DA!”

The Way Back

A few days ago my best friend and I talked about "the distinguishable presence of God." Her awesome pastor had posed this question in a recent sermon: "Would you even know if the presence of God was missing from your life?"

My answer was a resounding, "YES!" Because that distinguishable presence had been missing for a while and the absence was becoming more and more painful.

That question and our resulting conversation helped me take a baby step back towards God. It helped me identify the gaping hole in my heart and put words to my huge but hazy longings.

Then came my husband’s email with an awesome devotional link and the awesome comments to my “life in the pain lane” blog. Another step came when I was teaching my fourth grader grammar. Please note teaching grammar is not on my “love to do list” but I’ve learned as much as my firstborn. On this particular day we were talking about the wisdom of journaling and how to start her school journal for this year. I said something that hit me upside my head and got me thinking. “Journaling is how I work things out. When I put words on paper, that helps me to see more clearly the things I’m struggling with. It helps me hear God.”

One more baby step back.

The next step isn’t one I am proud of. It was a huge fight my husband and I got into long distance that bled into an awful attitude towards my children. But I woke up this morning knowing I couldn’t go on like this. Living over a week without God’s presence was like going a week without water. I was parched. And I knew what I had to do.

I journaled. Not just my thoughts, but also my sins. I knew I’d blown it big time with my girls and my husband yesterday. I didn’t want a repeat performance. The only way I knew not to was to run to God.

So I did.

I confessed my sins and the lies I’d been listening to for months now. Lies like I’m a failure as a writer, a wife, and a parent. Lies like God doesn’t love me because if He did I wouldn’t be in this much pain.

Those lies might sound silly in the light. But let me tell you, they’re powerful in the dark just buzzing around in the background of life.

I quickly rejected those lies and stood against the one who provoked the discord between my family and me. What the enemy obviously meant for evil, God clearly meant for good.

It was my path back into His presence.

God knows me so well. He knew I couldn’t teach my daughters well or sit before my students on Sunday and teach about a God I wasn’t talking to or trusting. So He reminded me of that and offered His full attention as I poured out my heart.

Then He spoke. A few short whispers to my heart. Two Bible verses. One about Him being with me always and the other about why my sin didn’t surprise Him. You know that verse about how there’s none of us righteous, no not one? Well, me in my sheep-likeness had wondered far from that truth.

I’d acted as though I deserved God’s forgiveness and had dismissed my sin being part of the problem ~ not exactly calling it righteous anger, but understandable anger that anyone would feel given the awful circumstances I was in. I’d also thought I could demand His healing because I’m His child.

So He had to remind me that HE is the Father and I, being His CHILD, have SO MUCH to learn.

God also reminded me that His smile is on me too.

I cried and cried. In the midst of the tears, I savored His presence return to my life.

I later talked things through with my husband and children and sought their forgiveness. They are so amazing to be so quick to forgive me and love me.

Then I blew it again with one of my girls over some schoolwork.

But I could sense God’s presence and I cut my words off before another fight kicked into overdrive. I prayed with my girls and talked with the one I’d been harsh toward. Afterwards we both agreed that had gone better and we’d resolved it far quicker than times in the past. We’re both growing. I wish I grew faster. And I wish I’d never feel anger again.

But I’m a sheep. So says God’s Word. I don’t care for being equated with a dumb, forgetful animal. But the analogy fits. I’m just thankful I have a Good Shepherd who knows the paths I travel and when I falter, He’s there to lead me home.

My prayers are still for relief from the pain and for circumstances to work out the way I’d like. But with the return of God’s presence, I’ve experience something I haven’t done in many months…

Rest.

And my prayers are slowly turning onto a little different trail. More along the lines of, “Keep me walking close to You, Daddy. Help me remember.”

Pain lane comments

I have read and reread the amazing comments posted to my last blog. Coupled with an Oswald Chambers devotion my husband sent me today, I’m starting to gain some footing.

The title of the Oswald Chambers devotion was “Going Through Spiritual Confusion.” Pretty appropriate for where I am.

“There are times in your spiritual life when there is confusion, and the way out of it is not simply to say that you should not be confused. It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand. And it is only by going through the spiritual confusion that you will come to the understanding of what God wants for you…Stand firm in the faith, believing that what Jesus said is true, although in the meantime you do not understand what God is doing.”~ September 12 My Utmost for His Highest

Maybe what has me at a better place is just the permission to “be” from this devotion and loving friends’ words. That alone is gold. But it’s also the realization that I’m not alone in the experience of pain and the spiritual confusion that has followed.

Knowing that I’m not alone in making it to the other side is also huge.

I’m not on that “other side” yet. It doesn’t feel like I’ll get there soon either. But for today, right this moment, I can say I’m okay because I know I’m loved. I’m prayed for. And even though God feels distant, I know He is not.

Special thanks go out to…

My husband~ thanks for loving me when I’m acting far from loveable. Your prayers, words, and emails are helping chip away at the walls I’ve allowed to surround my heart in recent months.

Kirstin~ your honest openness blows me away. I do remember when you couldn’t sing “Jesus Loves Me” and when someone showed up at your door with that money order. Remembering those times brought tears to my eyes… something I haven’t experienced lately. It felt good to feel again. Thank you. Knowing you know well where I am right now and that you are an awesome example of “God’s grace is sufficient” gives me hope. Something I needed very much.

Sally~ I’m honored to be in such good company. Thank you for your prayers and your words borne of understanding and deep faith. Remembering that God Himself is interceding for me and that my Daddy’s lap is never closed to me were words I needed to hear.

Hannah~ your wisdom and grace far exceed your years. Thank you for reminding me “it’s okay!” and that being real is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Heather~ your hugs and prayers have spanned the miles between us. Thank you!

Sharon~ your post was one of those tangible reminders of His love that you are praying for. Thank you. You’ve listened to me spout off about life and writing stress and returned to me abundant grace and encouragement. God is most definitely in your words.

Kaye~ thank you for permission to do the very things that so many think are “unspiritual” but are in truth total honesty. I love Job and appreciated the reminder that Job’s honesty before God was commended. God knows our hearts anyway and trying to hide that helps no one.

Even without answers or a reprieve from the pain that I’ve been hoping would come sooner than later, just typing those thank you’s reminds me of how much I’ve been given.

Thank you.

For the prayers.

For reading here on this blog.

And for caring.

Not only that, but also for being living stones of remembrance, a gift of encouragement. How powerful are good words spoken at just the right moment!

Life in the pain lane

Okay, goofy title, but a pretty apt description of how I see life right now. And it’s not just physical pain either, but something much deeper. Something that goes down to the roots of my religious thinking.

I'm starting to doubt God. Not His existence. But His goodness.

It didn’t bother me much to question God when I was a teenager. Or even as a young adult. I’d spout off my doubts to anyone who would listen and engage in an array of conversations, often coming away thinking I’d learned enough to make me feel okay.

But now my circle of influence grows larger than the student crowd at a university college. I’m a wife, mom, teacher, writer, and leader in community and writing groups. Were I to spout off the venom I feel growing inside, I’d do more hurt than I want to imagine.

Responsibility and years of Bible reading press in on me. But it doesn’t change the pain in my heart. And in all honesty, I don’t really want to talk it over with God. I know that’s the only place to find peace.

But He’s also the One allowing a whole host of painful things in my life.

Career challenges for both my husband and me. The great unknown with enough to know things could get rocky fast. Financial stress. Marital struggles under all the pressure. On top of that, in the past month I’ve been through a host of what I thought were “old people” tests to see why I’m falling apart at the seams. From EKG’s to x-rays to being zapped and bleeding from an EMG that tested the nerves in my arms and hands, I feel like crying “UNCLE” and not waking up until all of this pain is gone.

Which won’t be gone unless God decides I’ve had enough and starts healing the things I’ve begged Him for years to heal. I wish I could say with Job “Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.” Or that I could agree with the apostle Paul’s outlook and rejoice in my weaknesses.

But I’m not.

Some days I can’t even think straight because my blood sugars are so out of whack and I’m exhausted from not sleeping well. Usually I journal or type through my foggy mental state or questions about God, but now that’s another painful reminder of why I’m struggling with God’s goodness.

How is it good that my arms and hands are numb and painful because of carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel and I struggle to do the simplest of things I know I’ve been called to do? How is it good that I have yet another chronic illness that makes eating or not eating like a volcano erupting in my abdomen?

Maybe those are the wrong questions.

But my heart can’t get past them right now. Especially when I consider that my flawed genetics are going to set my kids up for serious physical issues in the future.

I know we live in a fallen world. I’m just struggling with how hard that world is falling on me right now.

I wish I had some insight to share or even a line of wisdom. But I’m empty.

The few people I’ve talked to about all this have repeated to me words I’ve said to other discouraged folks. “Run to God.” “God is a perfect Comforter and will heal your heart when you turn to Him.” I felt those words as truth when I said it and I’m sure my friends did too.

But those sentiments are hitting brick walls of confusion and doubt.

Then I think about my daughters. How will I teach them about God’s love if I don’t believe in it? How will I teach my seniors at church the Truth of God’s Word when I don’t even want to open it right now?

In typing that I recognize the stirring within me. I can’t teach if I don’t believe. And teaching is so much a part of who I am I can’t imagine not doing it. I love my girls too much to really consider walking away from God and leading them down a very wrong path.

God designed me that way. He gave me my children and my class of students knowing I’d come crashing into this construction area time of life. He also made me love the truth so much that I can’t escape it or put on a “Christian mask” until I “get over” this struggle.

So what do I do? I suppose in writing this and posting it, I’m taking the first tentative step out of what feels like a gaping black hole in the road.

I’m admitting my struggle. And I’m asking for prayer.

Last night my older two daughters hugged me before going to bed and said, “I’m praying for you.”

Then my youngest daughter crawled into my lap and looked at my red eyes. “You sad?” she asked.

“Yes” I said swiping at my tears.

She looked straight in my eyes and sighed, “I sorry, Mommy. I love you.”

Thinking back on that now I’m wondering if that’s not the key out of this quagmire of doubt.

To remember I’m loved. Not just by my kids, but by God.

Even if what He’s allowing in my life is beyond what I want to bear, His Word says He loves me. Maybe that’s what I should ponder instead of questions without answers.

God sees the end from the beginning. Maybe, just maybe, there is a good reason He’s allowing all this pain. Construction? Tearing down everything so that only what is immovable remains?

Maybe. The Bible sure says to expect that from life. Not sure why it’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around sometimes. Or to willingly accept.

Pray for me, will you? That I’ll have ears to hear and a heart open to whatever God says is best for my life.

I’ll pray that for you, too.

Hopefully together we can remind each other to hang on to the Truth. No matter what God’s “best” brings.

Learning from little ones

I'm the very proud mommy of three amazing little girls. My oldest is turning nine this Saturday and is often heard singing around the house, "I'm going to be a PRE-TEEN!" I'm so not ready for that. ;-)

Besides already being eight going on thirty, she's an awesome little girl. My name for her is my Sweet Song. Her smile and who she is deep inside have always been music to my heart. Not only that, but this little jewel reads circles around her mommy and can converse with the best of them on so many topics it makes my head spin. What makes me smile even more than her silly jokes is that she's a lot like her mommy in the desire to learn and grow and become more like Jesus. She runs rings around me there many days too~ especially in memorizing Scripture. But more on that later...

My oldest daughter's often-said prayer is, "Thank You for spending time together." Every time I hear her say it I'm reminded how precious the minutes I spend with my girls are. They are the most precious investment of my time. And the rewards are over the top wonderful.

Most days. ;-) I had to throw that in there because any prophet worth his or her salt strives to be totally honest. And in honor of total truth, there are days I’m almost crying for Calgon to take me away.

But back to the good stuff… I said earlier that my oldest is blowing me away with her Scripture memory. She just joined a class at church called the Just Girls class. Among teaching so many cool things straight out of Proverbs 31, they are memorizing these verses.

These very same verses that many women ~ me included~ run screaming away from. At least I did until recently.

My oldest has been reciting the 12 verses she’s committed to memory in the last week as she’s getting ready in the morning and any other time it pops into her mind~ which is often. What’s cool about that is her little sisters are listening and that’s causing all three to smile, sing along with the verses, and learn from each other.

Mommy included.

But the thing that made me begin to embrace this Proverbs 31 woman was something my middle child, my total prophet kid, said the other day. On a day when I was struggling with thoughts of being the worst parent ever and not getting the million things on my to-do list done, my second-born spoke straight to my heart.

She said, “Mommy, what she’s memorizing is about you!”

Those simple words said with little understanding of their impact still make me cry. My girls scampered off to play, but those words rang in my mind often for the rest of the day. And beyond.

I have no idea what she sees in me that prompted her to say that. But I have a good suspicion she was looking with her Heavenly Father’s eyes and seeing the me I seldom see. The one God looks down on and smiles about as He says, “This is my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.”

I’m so thankful to God for all three of my awesome daughters. My youngest often surprises me with words that are more of God’s special kisses. Words like I heard her singing to herself the other day, “I have a fwend (friend) named Mommy.”

Not only do these words make me realize how desperately I need God to love my girls as well as they love me, but they also make me see how much I can learn from my children…

Their honesty.

Their ability to see beyond the faults to the heart.

And their unashamed expressions of joy and delight.

Jesus spoke such awesomely wise words when He said to come to Him like little children. And so I come, relearning how to skip for the fun of it, sing because I like to, and love with words and actions because my daughters are teaching me all over again what joy looks like.

My prayer in sharing my sweet girls with you all is that God will awaken or strengthen your desire to come like little children too. There are so many ripples of good that we can start by sharing unhindered words of love and acceptance into our circle of friends and family.

So sing, skip, love well…and learn from little ones.

Ransomed Dreams

I'm so excited to share with you all the cover of my debut novel, Ransomed Dreams!!! A cool inside story is that my wonderful web designer husband created a mock up cover to help me communicate with my publisher about my vision for the cover. Because he knows me so well and is so awesome at what he does, half of his design was utilized by the great folks at Multnomah.

So seeing Ransomed Dreams make it into book form has been a family effort every step of the way. ;-)

Another "fun fact" about the cover was discovered by my oldest daughter. She was looking at a printed version and said, "Hey, that looks just like our van!" Yep. Part of the painful realism of the prologue was achieved by using little facts about my life including the type of van I drive.

Stay tuned for more fun announcements and trivia about Ransomed Dreams. Soon we'll have a website just for the Defenders of Hope series and on it there'll be some cool polls to test your inside knowledge about me, Ransomed Dreams, and fun facts about my awesome cast of characters.

My family and I would so appreciate your continued prayers as I finish the race with the three Defenders of Hope novels. Please join us in praying that God would be glorified and people drawn to Him through these stories.

A unique Thursday Thirteen

In honor of a great friend and fantasic writer, I'm directing you all over to Staci Wilder's blog GLIMPSES to enjoy a very cool Thursday Thirteen that I had a blast participating in.

Here's a taste of what you'll find at Staci's awesome blog...

"Here are thirteen inspirational writers/authors who warmly invite you to visit their writing space. Grab a cup of coffee, herbal tea, or a Diet Coke ('cause, hey, we've got ours!) and then sit with us as we tell you a little bit about the spaces we go to be inspired and - hopefully - to inspire!"

God's best to you all!!!

ENJOY

2006 started out with a high-flying fireworks kind of bang. I'd just received my first "big break" in the form of a three-book contract with my dream publisher, I'd sold three articles that I was very proud of, we were out of debt for the first time in our marriage, and life felt pretty good.

So it was no surprise to me when I started praying about a word for the coming year that would define something God was going to teach me, that He gave me “enjoy.” I was pretty excited about what the new year would hold.

Come to find out that was sort of like praying for patience…

Watch out! ;-)

In previous posts I’ve shared the plethora of things God put in my life that seemed at the time to contradict my idea of what “enjoy” would mean.

Back to back physical illnesses. Out of control diabetes. My oldest daughter in the ER. Me in the ER. My computer designer husband’s wrist injuries. Cars dying. Marital stress. Extended family stress. Major rewrites. Deadlines.

All of that within a two-month period of time.

To say I was unprepared is a huge understatement.

It was hard to understand how the painful things May and June ushered into my life would teach me about the word enjoy.

Since then I’ve finished two full novels and in the midst of my rejoicing also grieved for two close friends who delivered babies not into a doctor’s hands, but straight to into Jesus’ arms.

I remember that experience well. We named our tiniest one Jordan. His or her silver memorial tear hangs on my Christmas tree every year and Jordan’s name is heard often in our home.

After three years, my arms still long to hold that little one. But the place where tears once reigned, now a different emotion resides.

Joy.

Not the feeling of total happiness and “isn’t the world great?” euphoria. But I think the very thing God had in mind to teach me this year. It took reliving past pain and experiencing fresh wounds and faith-shaking questions for me to see that God was and is teaching me what the verb “to enjoy” really means.

It didn’t come as I expected.

But God’s lesson is taking root in my heart.

Because it’s all about God. Not how well I handle my circumstance. Not how much or how little I smile. Not the big exciting good things that are happening in my life or the major tough issues right alongside.

But I’m learning that “enjoy” is all about how to wrap up in and savor His presence in the midst of life’s ups and downs. The heart-pounding thrills. The gut-wrenching grief. The everyday in betweens.

It’s about hanging out in my Heavenly Daddy’s arms and allowing the unanswered questions and longings of my heart to be quieted by His soft whispers of love.

Enjoy is a much quieter word than I’d originally thought.

It’s also a much more powerful one too.

Isn’t it so like God to take something we think we understand and turn it on its head to show us what He knew we needed to learn?

In the novel I just finished today there’s a minor character that plays a major role in my fiction world as much as my real life. He’s based on a real person whose life was a physical picture of joy.

His love for kids.

His passion for sharing Jesus.

His three-year battle with cancer.

One of the things I have my fictional character say that so reminds me of Ken fits well with my musings about what “enjoy” really means.

He talks about how for better or worse, we need to hold on tight to the truth. Because God is still on His throne. And He is good. Always.

My version of my fictional character’s words: Hang on tight. Love deeply. Slip into Jesus’ arms often.

And enjoy.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things I'm Celebrating  1.     A wonderful husband who is my biggest fan  2.     Three awesome daughters~ one of which just turned 6  3.     Ransomed Dreams is complete and turned in on time!!!  4.     An awesome cover the team at Multnomah designed for Ransomed Dreams  5.     My husband's participation in designing my cover  6.     I love writing again~ Thank You, Lord!  7.     I'm almost done with book 2  8.     An awesome dinner with my critique partner Meg as thanks for all her help  9.     My family's good health 10.    My daughters' wonderful horse lessons 11.    Beautiful summer days that taste like freedom 12.    Cruising in my SC2 with my new James Taylor CD cranked 13.    Living my dream and finding moments to actually enjoy it!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The color purple

It never ceases to amaze me that when I get honest before the Lord, He always shows up! ;-) My last blog entry detailing some of the stresses of life and feeling a slight bit like Job opened up some real and painful dialogue with God.

Which at times has left me feeling like Job~ not all my questions answered, but with my hand over my mouth and my heart crying out “You alone are God!” and “You alone are in control!” Add to that a healthy dose of humility in the face of shaking my fist at heaven and questioning His love and goodness.

I’m so glad God doesn’t anger at my questions or shy away from them. He shows up. And in some ways, He does answer.

I’ve gotten a real kick telling my recent story of God showing up because as a writer, if I put this into a fiction novel people would shake their fingers about the implausibility of it all.

No matter. I was there. I saw God and He left an indelible reminder of His grace…in the grape shade of purple…

After my blog post a few Saturdays ago, God stepped in pretty fast to answer one of my immediate needs~ transportation to church. A neighbor of ours~ a little girl we’ve watched grow into an amazing young woman~ heard my husband talking to her mom about car stuff and she offered us her car so we could go to church. I was humbled as we climbed in and then enjoyed being with other believers knowing that God Himself had carried us there with a special wink and a whisper to trust Him.

Then He promptly closed every available or even slightly possible door for our getting another car. But my mother-in-law let us borrow her car on Monday so that my husband could run to his office and gather more work to do at home until God provided a vehicle. God also allowed me to borrow that car to go to a place that’s become a special invitation for refreshment and renewal. I went to the Healing Rooms and the prayer team that prayed with me and over me was so perfectly chosen by God that I cried and felt God release some deep “stuff” in my heart. One thing they challenged me to do after our time together was to ask my husband to pray with me through our house and seek His direction together.

Given that my husband and I have been struggling some with our communication, I wasn’t sure how this would go over. But God had already gone before me ~ why I’m still surprised at this I don’t know~ and my husband was excited about what the prayer team had suggested. That night we spent a very long time praying together and I have to say God opened my eyes even wider to the gift my husband is. He’s a fallible and imperfect human, just like me, who loves God too. He prayed with such power and confidence that I was in awe. God whispered to my heart, “I’ve got this covered too.” And God does. We’re still working at this tough and wonderful journey of marriage, but God showed up there once again and breathed new life, His life, over us.

Then Tuesday we received a call about a possible car. Not really wanting to get my hopes up, I listened to the specifics and agreed it was worth looking into. So my husband called the guy about his Saturn and agreed to meet him. The man with the Saturn also asked my husband to bring our van because his neighbor~ also a mechanic~ works specifically on Town and Country vans. Just like ours.

Much longer story a little shorter… the two mechanics were gifts from God. Both neat guys, they managed to fix our van for under $200 (when our regular mechanic had declared it dying) and tell us that we have 100,000 miles of good life left in my daughters’ favorite car.

Plus, the Saturn was one of the cutest cars we’ve ever considered and the guy sold it to us for exactly what we had to spend. Not only that but he took our very dying Corsica and slashed $200 off the cost of the Saturn. That ~ with a gift from a wonderful co-worker of my husband’s ~ and we were the proud owners of two “new” cars with absolutely no debt.

Can’t forget to mention our Saturn has a sunroof, a kicking stereo system, and leather seats. I feel like a teenager’s dream of summer every time I slide behind the wheel.

Add to that my mouth ulcers are finally gone~ praise God! And I’m loving my writing again. I’m 12 chapters shy of finishing this awesome story that God has given me new eyes for and a new appreciation of what it means to trust Him and leave the results in His hands.

Did I mention the adorable paint job on our “new” Saturn???

It’s the grace shade of purple.

What an awesome God we serve!

Life as I know it

Life has become a real-time study in the book of Job. I don’t say that lightly. Thankfully, the Lord saw fit to skip over the losing my children and my barns part. But the rest? Well, let’s just say it’s still crashing around me.

I don’t know how long Job had to deal with painful sores, unanswered heart cries, and more than painful accusations from friends. But I’m sitting in the dust and asking God some of the same questions. What’s the purpose in all this?

Why was I in the ER twice on my vacation? Why did I miss the one place where I go to rest because the pain was and is again almost unbearable? Why have both our cars died right before we were going to give our daughters a taste of their childhood dreams? Why is my husband’s job at risk because a mysterious injury is causing him so much pain? Why is my marriage still stretched to the breaking point? Why is writing a painful exercise in failure right now? With all the work my husband and I do, why can’t we even afford a basic used car? And why do I hurt so much?

Where are You, God?

Many of these questions have been dogging my heels most of my waking moments for the better part of three years. Some, like the intense physical pain and mysterious injuries, are newer. But the deep questions are the same. God, don’t You care that I hurt? What am I doing wrong that so much bad continues? Where is the healing?

I do know I have tons of blessings to count. I have my precious girls, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly. For that I’m richer than I deserve. I know that. But sometimes that doesn’t stop the deep spiritual pain of unanswered questions.

Why doesn’t my mom love me?
Why doesn’t my marriage heal?
Why do I feel like a failure ~ unimportant, unappreciated, unseen?

Last night, after a horrid writing day and an unrelenting deadline looming…with my mouth full of ulcers…life and pain got the best of me and I had a mommy tantrum in front of my family. My eldest and her father sat in as Job’s well-meaning friends with things like, “Maybe God is trying to teach you something.” Yeah, and I keep missing it? How does that help me? I probably would have screamed if they’d asked me about sin in my life and religious-sounding hypotheses about if I’d just pray more or believe more or confess more.

They didn’t have to though. I had already been doing all that to myself.

And I still had no answers. I’ve tried to pray. Asked others to pray. Confessed my complaining, unappreciative attitude and my plethora of other sins as well. Tried to write through it, pray through it, believe through it. And my favorite~ not “stress” through it. Like that’s a simple choice I make and all is better.

Then today God sent me an angel in the form of an email. Don’t laugh. If God can use a burning bush or a talking donkey, He can use email. ;-) This email was from a new friend asking about my writing and a fear we had in common. As I replied to her, I started to cry. Something I haven’t let myself do in a long time. Then I started to write my heart. Something I haven’t done much since I haven’t been blogging like I used to.

And God showed up.

Actually, He had never left. I’d just closed my eyes.

Here’s what I shared with my friend…

She’d asked if I had ever written as a form of therapy. Boxes of journals and pages upon pages of blog posts answer a resounding “yes.” But that’s when I realized I haven’t done the heart writing that used to sear my soul with truth. The writing where God talks back to me and I get it. I see. I miss that. Today, my hurting heart is showing up. And trusting God to speak.

As I started to write in the hopes of encouraging my friend in dealing with a fear of hers, that’s when my tears started to break free. Here’s what God illuminated to my heart…

“For me, I know the fear is about failure. If I do this (write a book or try to work with my husband on some painful issues) and it's awful, then I'm a failure and ultimately not worthy of being loved. Sounds silly when I type it out. But the emotions are the most basic we have and the most powerful desire I think all humans share. To be loved. To be known and respected. To be important, valued. What I'm realizing again as I type ~ for probably the hundredth time ~ is that for me to walk in the truth, I have to believe the truth. I am loved. Whether this book is a failure or not. Whether I flub a talk or not. Whether or not my marriage ever heals. That's the truth I know I've been running from and it took your email for me to listen. Thank you. What I just typed in this paragraph is the core of who I am and what I feel like God has called me to do~ teach the truth about rejecting lies and believing truth. And I was just reminded that my writing is what has given me the most opportunity to do that. To share with you and with others what God is always in the process of doing~ loving us. Teaching us truth. Healing us. Calling us to join Him in His work. To see we were created for a purpose and plan far greater than we could ever ask or imagine.

"This believing lies or truth is so hard to wrap my mind around and so easy it seems to forget. But I think that's one reason God created us to be part of a Body~ to remember. To encourage each other to hang on to the truth when the enemy blasts his fiery darts and they hurt.”

When life hurts. Which, right now, is life as I know it. Life as so many of us know it. Where are God’s healing miracles? Where is God when life hurts?

A lot of the time I feel like the paralytic in John 5 who sat for decades not getting into the pool to receive a healing. When Jesus asked him, "Do you want to get well?” He replied, "Sir, I have no one to help me.”

Or we can add our own version of the words, “But Lord, I hurt too much.” Or “But Lord, I don’t understand.” Or “But Lord, I’m not this, that or the other.” Or mine as of late, “But Lord, I’m terrified of failing.”

Today, I finally looked up as Jesus asked me the same question as the paralytic. “Do you want to get well?” Uhm, yes? At least I know I want to lose the pain and the heartache and make my circumstances feel better.

So Jesus asked again. “Do you want to get well?” And then He extended His hand in the form of an email. When I stopped to listen and look into His face, I felt His answer for me.

The Holy Spirit brought to mind two verses…

2 Timothy 1:8-9 “God has saved us and called us with a holy calling—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time…”

John 6:29 “Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.’”

I think because I’m so slow to let go of what I want to happen, God added this…His spoken words to my heart.

“Fear not, Amy. I have called you by name. You are Mine.”

God’s healing miracles are working themselves through my heart as I turn to Him and listen.

I still don’t have a car for church tomorrow.
I still have a mouth full of ulcers.
My marriage still has a lot of healing needed.
I still have a looming deadline.
I still live in a painful, fallen world.
Some of my questions remain unanswered.

But I have put my hand in the Hand of the One who made the universe. And I’m standing again. In truth.

I am loved.
He has a purpose and plan for me that’s beyond all I can imagine.
He promises He will complete His work.

And for now, that’s enough for me to walk again. With Him.

Happy Memorial Day!

There's a poem I've read a number of years in a row about Memorial Day that never fails to bring tears. I don't know who to give a writing credit to, but as you read, I pray you will remember our Veterans and the men and women who are serving our country right now.

My daddy is a Veteran and proudly served our country. To him and to all the men and women who have served and are serving us well...THANK YOU!




Remember Our Veterans


It is the VETERAN, not the preacher,
who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the VETERAN, not the reporter,
who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the VETERAN, not the poet,
who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the VETERAN, not the campus organizer,
who has given us freedom to assemble.

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer,
who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the VETERAN, not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.

It is the VETERAN,
who salutes the Flag,

It is the VETERAN,
who serves under the Flag.





Please remember to pray for our VETERANS today!

Mother's Day surprises

I received in my inbox yesterday some very cool surprises. After receiving my HUGE edits on Tuesday with two months to rewrite my first novel and word from the mechanic on Wednesday that our car is dying, I tried to listen to the Lord and instead let fear win.

Then I sent a prayer request to my awesome ACFW friends and the return emails opened the door for me to truly hear the Lord and stand in faith. God is sooo good! Not only did my friends encourage me with their prayers and words of "you can do this!" but they also prayed for my little girls~ that God would provide a car so we can take them to special horse riding lessons we found for a very low cost. Something extra incredible we wanted to do as a gift for them.

My mommy heart was so touched that happy tears slipped out.

Then another email surprise came. The National Institute of Marriage (an AWESOME resource worth your time in checking out) sent a Happy Mother's Day email with a special story of encouragement.

The story?

It was mine. ;-)

I was so excited and humbled that God and the great folks at NIM would use my words to encourage other moms. I'm going to share it with you all as well.

May God encourage all of us today to be the people He created and smiles at as He watches over us with His perfect loving care.


The Article Archives
Topic: Encouragement

A Mom's Greatest Gift
May 11, 2006
Amy Wallace

Written by: Amy Wallace, www.amywallace.com

There's one thing the Lord consistently uses to touch my heart when nothing else will— My three pint-sized princesses. Through them, He shows me more of His heart and more of my need for Him.

My girls greet me with hugs and kisses and tell me I'm, "the most beautifulest and wonderfulest mommy in the world" even when I feel every bit the opposite. A precious glimpse of His unconditional love.

When their sad eyes water because of the hurtful lies they believe when I speak harshly, God uses those little faces to drive me to my knees and back to Him.

When I want to hide from the world because of all the pain and unhealthiness I see "out there" and in me, my little girls smile and tell me that when they grow up they want to be like Jesus and help people and tell them God loves them. Their pure enjoyment of God and desire to share Him with others reminds me that even in the bad, God is good and He has good plans.

But I have to say the neatest thing they've shown me is a picture perfect example of a truth I learned at the [National Institute of Marriage] Intensive. I'll share two illustrations...

The first is from the day after my husband and I returned home from the [NIM] Intensive. After four full days of not seeing our girls, we went into each of their rooms together to say good morning. We shared a little of how God answered their prayers in that He was working in our hearts and healing our marriage. My oldest daughter's eyes danced while we talked. Then when we were done, she jumped from her bed and hugged us at the same time~ a very long and tight hug. Our middle daughter had the same intense reaction and added, "I'm so happy you went and that you're home." Our youngest wiggled with smiles.

My girls all danced with hope that God was indeed healing their mommy and daddy's hearts. I will always treasure the look in their smiling eyes. Eyes full of joy, anticipation, and brimming over with love.

Another illustration is from a few days later. As the girls and I settled back into our everyday routine, I shared many of the things we had learned at the intensive. We talked about living out of fear and how to get out of that fear cycle by running to God and asking Him what's going on in our hearts. Then asking what He says about the heart messages.

One morning's chaos gave an opportunity to put into practice what I'd been teaching. My oldest spent the morning talking over people, talking when she was supposed to be working, and not giving anyone else a chance to speak. I pointed out her demand to be heard was coming out of a heart wound. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I don't think anyone will listen to me. I'm afraid people will think I'm not good enough to listen to."

My heart hurt. We sat on our couch and I asked her when was the first time she could remember feeling that way. She talked about me yelling at her years before over a handwriting assignment. I listened and my heart broke for the pain I'd opened her up to with my unhealthy way of handling stress by yelling. After she finished sharing her memories, I suggested she head up to her room and grab her teddy bear and talk to God about all that hurt and ask Him what the truth was.

She went to her room and the crying I heard nearly shattered my heart. She bawled and bawled. I bawled with her downstairs, but didn't go try to make it okay. I knew God could do a better job than I could.

When she came down we talked about her hurt. I listened and cried with her. I shared how I was so wrong to yell and how sorry I was that she hurt. We talked about the lies she believed when I yelled. The lies that she was “not good enough” or “not worth listening to.” I asked her to forgive me for yelling. She did. She went on to share what truth God spoke to her hurt. "He told me that He loves me no matter what I do."

Such simple truth shone from her eyes. I knew she'd heard the Lord and He'd worked in her heart. But what she shared next, I will forever treasure in my heart. My oldest looked at me and with tears in her eyes said, "Thank you, Mommy. I'm so glad you went to that marriage thing." She hugged me with a fierce hug and skipped away.

I sat there awed by what God had done in my heart and in hers.

In my daughter’s eyes and thanks I saw an amazing truth: The greatest gift I can give my children is my own health.

Without getting with God to heal my heart, I could not have helped my daughter learn how to run to God.

Without being healthy, I could not have heard her pain, cried with her, and asked forgiveness.

Without God’s healing in my heart, I could not have shown my girls what Christlikeness looks like in skin and bones.

And without both my husband and I receiving the healing that only truth from God brings, we could not have shown them the power of forgiveness, the picture of Christ and the church in marriage, or given the gift of a healthy home.

All these things will aid them well in their walk with the Lord. They won’t have to spend thirty plus years wondering around in a desert of longing and pain with hurts and lies from the enemy filling their hearts. Those lies that constrain us like the grave wrappings Jesus commanded taken from Lazarus when He raised His friend from death.

My girls will have to make their own choices as they journey with the Lord. My heart health won’t prevent them from experiencing pain. But living from a whole, full, and healthy heart will show them how to handle that pain. It will show them truth not hidden by an unhealthy life.

And we know as absolute fact, “You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.”

That’s the greatest gift of all.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

A child’s perspective on Mother’s Day

Today I’m doing a new thing. Something I haven’t seen on any other blog. I’m featuring what I believe is the youngest guest blogger ever. She’s an eight-year-old dynamo kiddo and very special to my heart.

My own firstborn precious princess.

The reason for featuring her is many-fold. First, Elizabeth is an aspiring author who’s already submitted one story for publication and has such a talent this proud mommy wanted to share her second story. Second, I wanted her to know how special her story is to me. And third, this mommy wanted something a little new for an encouraging Mother’s Day message.

We moms wear all sorts of hats on any given day. My favorites are kid-hugger and chocolate-sharer. ;-) But I also do a fair share of discipliner, dish washer, sick day cleaner upper, boo-boo kisser, devotion leader, book reader, teacher, and role model.

Very often I’m not proud of how poorly I do the above listed jobs. I often fail to speak kindly and love well. And I cringe when I think what type of example I’m setting. Especially on those terrible, awful, no good, very bad days when I should have just stayed in bed.

That’s where Elizabeth’s essay comes in. She wrote about why her mommy is the best mommy in the whole world. I was in tears when I first read it thinking more about how I fail to live up to what she penned.

Then it hit me… this is how my daughter remembers me. She sees beyond my failures and has seen my heart. A heart I know for a fact is filled with love for her and her two precious sisters.

So please read the following story and hear not a “look at Amy” essay. My prayer is you’ll hear my daughter’s words and consider that maybe, just maybe, your children see beyond your mistakes and love you so very much too.

For those to whom this might be painful because you can’t imagine your children saying such things about you…remember your Heavenly Father has already paid for your failures and He knows for a fact there is so much good in your heart.

Isaiah 40:11 says, “He gently leads those that have young.” God is leading you in this most precious calling and cheering you on as you wear one of my favorite names in the whole world, “Mommy.”

So here’s an early Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!!! You are such a precious gift to your family.

Now for my most wonderfulest guest blogger…


My Awesome Mommy
By Elizabeth Wallace

My mom is wise, priceless, helpful, and attractive. She loves to spend time with me and I love to be with her.

She homeschools me and we sometimes go on mommy dates to fun places like the park. She likes to play games and read with me. We do crafts and learn other languages, such as German. It’s lots of fun to go on field trips and walks-or just to play outdoors. Mommy wears lovely dresses and clothes when we go out, and nice sweaters at home. Mommy and I both like music-dancing, listening to it, or singing it. It also brings us enjoyment to read a good book. My mommy is gentle, loving, and kind. We have the best time together.

My mommy encourages me to do my work well all the time. She is glad when I read good books that help me use my imagination. She lets me play and helps me to do my best work. We do projects like mixing vinegar, baking soda, and red food dye in a “volcano” to make it erupt or dissecting an owl pellet or sewing a teddy bear.

For the summer, we go to the beach, do art, explore, study nature, and many other fun things. She uses money she earns from writing books to buy me new clothes or other things for our family. She also gives me what she knows I’ll like for my birthday and Christmas.

In conclusion, my mommy is awesome and deserves much praise. Clearly, She is terrific and helpful.

May all you mommies know how much you are loved! Happy Mother’s Day!

Finding the time

Have you ever struggled to “get it all done” within the twenty-four hours a day you have? I’ve heard it said people like Ben Franklin had the same 24-hour day we have and look at all he accomplished.

That so does not encourage me.

Then I’ve had this interesting thing keep happening to me recently. A number of people will ask me this question…

“How do I find the time to write???” or “How do you do all you do in a days time?”

My answer… “I wish I knew.” ;-)

Inside I’m looking around my life and wondering what in the world they see. I have dirty dishes, dirty laundry, paint-chipped baseboards, and a to-do list a mile long that’s serving only to collect dust bunnies that have escaped their other normal hangouts.

At the same time, I do have three amazing little girls, a neat house, and two full-time jobs~ homeschool mom and author. I know full well how I have those. God. And a great hubby who takes up the slack when I’m writing.

Now that might seem like a Sunday school answer I tell my students at church not to give. But the truth is, I am who I am and I do what I do only because God has called and equipped me.

Same as you.

Same as ole Mr. Ben Franklin.

We each have the same allotment of 24 hours a day to live the life God created us to live. He’s the one who gives us dreams and then asks us to put them in His hands.

Sometimes fear keeps us sitting on our dreams instead of opening ourselves to what God wants to put there. Sometimes the season of life we’re in requires a little more time in God’s “classroom” before we’re able to step into the reality of the dream He’s dreamed for us.

But regardless of where we are and why, there’s a lesson that holds true every time.

I love The Message translation of Matthew 6:33-34:

“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions.

Don't worry about missing out.

You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

That in a nutshell is how any of us do what we were created to do and excel.

I so needed this reminder from the Word today. I hope it encourages you too.

In case you’re wondering, I do have a longer answer to the question of how I find the time to write. It goes a little something like what I wrote to a fellow mom friend…

“I write mostly on Saturdays and my family has taken up the slack and are awesome encouragers telling me to do what God created me to do. For me I can't not write. It's part of who I am. And for this season it's part of what God has called me to and given me the time to do. I struggle with it though. I think we, as moms, are especially prone to feel guilty about something. I'm learning to stay before the throne of Grace and trust that if He says write, I'll write and entrust all of it to Him.”

To that I’ll add~ homeschooling has taught me a lot about the necessity of personal organization. I don’t follow a “method” because none I’ve read fit me perfectly. But I’ve taken bits and pieces and adapted them to fit my life. For example, my girls have room time or naptime every afternoon for about two hours. They go to bed by 8:30 pm at night. I do my “life stuff” like exercising, emails, keeping our budget, working on Sunday school lessons, and all the odds and ends we all have during that time.

And when Saturday comes, I write.

For twelve awesome hours I get the privilege of pouring out what God has poured into me through the power of a story. My prayer is what comes out will somehow be used to draw others to Him and give my readers a sense that the God of the universe loves them and has a special plan for each of their lives.

The coolest thing to see is God’s people embracing who He created them to be and living out of the fullness we have in Christ. It looks amazing on each one of us.

And different.

But the lesson of finding the time is the same for all of us…

“Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

He is with you yesterday, today, and forever. One day at a time. Always by your side. Loving the unique person He created in you.

And smiling.

The Dance Revisited

In looking through some old blog posts for a dear friend of mine facing a hard time, I came across an entry entitled The Dance. Reading it again, I knew God took me there to speak to my heart once more like He did the day I typed the first post.

I so needed the reminder.

If you've read The Dance before~ I hope it will encourage you all over again and remind you to keep dancing.

If you haven't read it~ my prayer is that the Lord speaks directly to your heart words that will serve as an invitation...

To Dance.

There's a line from my story in Chicken Soup for the Soul Healthy Living: Diabetes that won't leave me alone. It says: Dance. Even when life hurts. It's better than the alternative.

I've talked a lot about dances on this blog and in the youth discipleship group I loved leading: the fear dance, The Great Dance, and in my newly published story, "Dancing with Diabetes". All of these share a common element of comparing hard things in life to a dance.

One of my favorite songs from college does the same thing. It’s a Garth Brooks song called "The Dance." Like the author of this song, I shared a dance with someone that left me alone holding a broken heart. Listen to these lines:

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye.

And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say, you know I might have chanced it all.

And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.

I know life is not left to chance. But it is better left in the hands of our loving God who knows best. Even when what He decides hurts.

Truth be told, I had no business staying with the guy that left me brokenhearted. God warned me to get out of the relationship and finally showed me the truth I didn’t want to see. But like a lot of painful things in my life, God has proven He truly does work all things for good.

He’s the author of the Dance. My dance. And yours.

There are so many times I’d like to sit this dance out. Like when my diabetes is out of control or when things in my marriage hurt. But if I truly believe God is good, I have to keep dancing, even when life hurts. Why? Because I know from experience God has something to show me. Something good.

I was reading a chapter in my writer’s devotional on being like Peter, my all-time favorite Bible character. To anyone who knows me well this is no surprise. ;-) I’m so like brash, bold, impetuous, loud Peter. I only hope God has great things in store for me like He did for Peter.

Every time I hang out with my three princesses or my Bible study girls, I know for sure He does. They remind me God has a good plan.

They also help me to remember the dance is worth every step. Even the ones that hurt.

Back to Peter. Here are some of the quotes that hit me so hard as I read. Quotes that led me to thinking about this dance of life.

“Be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.” 1 Peter 4:7 NIV

“Keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to the God who made you, for He will never fail you.” 1 Peter 4:19

And the final line from today’s devotion: “He has chosen us and will equip us so that, through the words we write and the lives we live, we will effectively be able to ‘show to others how God called [us] out of the darkness into His wonderful light’” 1 Peter 2:9

Those verses challenge me. First to keep my mouth shut when I’m angry so that my rash words don’t bring further damage in a tough situation. Something I’m still learning and failing at more than I succeed. But I’m learning. I’m a glorious mess. God is so getting that point across to me.

Second, those verses challenge me to trust myself to God because He will never fail me. People will. But that’s not an excuse to sit this dance out. To withhold forgiveness. Or to refuse to love.

That’s hard. Hard on a good day and even more difficult when I’m looking at the surrounding storm, watching the waves. And sinking.

Not only is Peter my favorite Bible character, but his story of walking on the waves is also my favorite place to go for encouragement.

God called Peter into that storm and out of the boat.

And even though he started to sink, God was there to rescue Peter.

Me too.

When I listen. When I dance. And more often than that, my awesome Daddy pursues me when I’m trying not to listen and instead working hard to sit things out in disobedience.

I don’t believe I’m alone in that. Peter and I aren’t the only ones that focused on the waves and sank. Right?

Wherever you are, whether enjoying a great dance, or trying to sit one out, please listen closely to the Father’s outstretched hands and love-filled command to “Come.”

You see, He’s playing your song.

Don’t sit this one out. Because when this dance lesson is over, we’ll be dancing for all eternity to the perfect rhythm of grace, in the arms of our Perfect Partner.

So dance. Even when life hurts. It’s worth every step.

What's in a word?

This past Saturday I received my first real taste of what it means to be a writer. And it came in a most unexpected way. I'm a writer. Not a speaker. But God put two pretty amazing opportunities in my path that I couldn't find a way to veer around. So I walked straight ahead and right smack into them.

With much fear and trembling I might add.

I’ve never given a talk without a little inward war happening in my belly. Even when I teach Sunday school—which I do almost every week—I get nervous. Most times I can pray through it and settle down without another thought.

But going to speak when I’m up in front of a crowd as an “author” is another story. My knees literally start knocking and my voice gets quivery. And I vow I’ll never do it again.

This past Saturday was a whole different experience.

First off, until right at the starting time, it didn’t look like anyone would arrive. I’ve heard of fashionably late, but this was something else. By the time people arrived, I'd already decided to enjoy a nice brunch with the lady who invited me to speak and then head home. No knocking knees. No quivery voice.

Then when people did start to trickle in, I got involved in some conversation and forgot I was there to speak. We enjoyed a nice brunch and then when I was introduced, I just started talking. Shared a little about my family and jumped into the body of my talk.

About Heart Chocolate.

Between the subject matter and the smiling faces of some precious ladies, I felt at home. By the end of our time together, I felt refreshed and recharged. These ladies had given me a gift.

Through their nodding heads and bright smiles, along with a few “Amen’s” when I’d say something about enjoying chocolate, I received encouragement and learned a valuable lesson.

There’s power in our words.

It’s not like I didn’t realize that before. But this time the lesson was different. I was speaking as an author to people I had never met before. I went to encourage and to teach and came away the recipient and student.

These wonderful ladies listened to what I had to say and took the time afterwards to share with me what an encouragement I’d been to them. One precious lady even wrote to me later to say God had confirmed a direction for her through my talk.

Talk about the power of words.

As I pondered all that God was doing in my heart, I started to feel a familiar fear creep in. What if my stories and books don’t help, but hurt people? What if I handle a difficult situation in such a way that offends or worse, wounds? What if what I say doesn’t matter to anyone?

Worse yet, what if the same can be said of both my spoken and written words to those closest to me?

What if my fiction characters’ faults are thought to portray my family’s and people think poorly of those I love? What if my words don’t help, but instead wound my husband and children, my friends?

Scripture at times doesn’t comfort me in this fear. Verses about every word being brought into account terrify me at times. I know for a fact I’ve said and written things that I’m not proud of. Ashamed of actually.

Then I remember how John 1:14 says, “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.” And I realize that’s the greatest power of them all. The Word became flesh.

And He dwells with me.

He forgives me.

He gives me the power to seek forgiveness when I’ve hurt someone.

He even has in His plan the power to bring good out of each and every situation, out of each and every word. And He’s not finished with me yet.

So no matter what happens with my written and spoken words, I know Jesus is there. Guiding me. Disciplining me when I don’t listen. Cheering for me when I follow His footsteps. Picking me up when I fall.

Which makes me desire even more to consider the power of words…

The power to wound or to heal.

The power to shame or encourage.

The power of hate or of love.

The power to make a difference in another person’s life. To encourage change. To help people grow.

My deepest passion in life is to know God and show people, though healing hearts, how to glorify God by enjoying Him.

That happens through the power of words.

Prayers. Emails. Letters. Novels. Sunday school lessons. Speaking engagements. Hopefully even blogs.

And my daily prayer from Psalm 17:3 continues to be, “Lord, I have resolved that my mouth will not sin. The only way I can do that is through You working in me, guarding my mouth, guarding my heart. Help me speak Your words of life today. Help me write them too.”

I’d sure appreciate your prayers for me to do just that. I fail at this most if not every day. But each morning I’m learning to get up, confess my sins, and start the day fresh with His new mercies. To love a little more with my words. To listen a little more to His words. To rely a little more on Him to live through me.

After all, He’s the Word made flesh dwelling among us.

There’s nothing more powerful than that.

U-Turns for Teens

I'm pleased to announce one of the two new and very awesome God Allows U-Turns books! These are wonderful books filled with stories that will meet you where you are and touch your heart.

I'm showing this cover because I'm a contributing author in God Allows U-Turns for Teens. My story "If Only I Were Beautiful" delves into God's redemptive use of my past to help teen girls learn the Source of real self-confidence. These books are available at CBD and the God Allows U-Turns awesome website.

Or you can stop by my Heart Chocolate website and sign up to win your choice~ one of three U-Turns books: God Allows U-Turns for Teens, God Allows U-Turns for Women, or my first one, God Answers Mom's Prayers. The drawing will be held on March 31st and announced in my discussion board. If you haven't joined the Heart Chocolate community~ what are you waiting for? ;-) We'd love to have you!

Here's a blurb for God Allows U-Turns for Teens...

Do you feel like you’re headed down a road that shouldn’t be traveled? You’re not alone. Sometimes it’s too easy to find the wrong path. Sometimes you just feel lost. But God is waiting to help you turn your life around; He wants to show you the way. This powerful collection of stories from real-life teens offers encouragement and support as you overcome poor relationships with your parents, physical or sexual abuse, drug addiction, or painful consequences. With God, all things are possible.

Are you ready for a U-turn?

What's your worth?

The other day I had a rare car ride alone with my oldest daughter. She confided in me that she wished she had curly hair and went on to add that she liked the name “Marianne” because when she says that name she sees a young and free little girl with beautiful curly hair who wears cute clothes and not glasses which make her look too old.

Everything my daughter believes she is not.

My heart hurt for her. Hurt because as we talked I heard all the lies I’ve believed too. Hurt because my daughter is struggling with things that run so deep for every female I’ve ever known or read about.

I’d be beautiful if… (fill in the blank)

I’m not pretty, important, worth being noticed because… (fill in the blank)

We can all fill in those blanks, can’t we?

What hurt even more was that I realized anew how painful those lies are and how hard it is to see the truth. Even for adults. When we have TV and movies and books to tell us that we should be this tiny size or have that type of hair or wear this type of clothes, it’s hard to believe God made us correctly.

The whisper comes to us like it did to Eve…

“Did God really say?” In other words—maybe God made a mistake.

I’d like to do what Eve and Adam did and play the blame game. It’s the TV’s fault. It’s society’s fault. It’s those mean kids who teased my daughter about her glasses.

But the truth is we have the power to choose.

We believe the lie or the truth.

We accept the world’s view or we don’t.

We believe God made us beautiful in His sight, exactly how He intended us to be.

Or we don’t.

But so what if we don’t believe God made us right with our straight or curly hair, with our pear or apple shape, with our glasses or not…then what?

Then we slide down the slippery slope of unbelief that leads in the opposite direction of our Heavenly Daddy’s arms.

Whether we’re eight, like my daughter, or eighty~ if we hate, dislike, could stand to improve, or are just mildly dissatisfied with our bodies~ we’re in effect looking in the face of our Creator and saying, “You didn’t make me right. You made a mistake.”

And who wants to hang out with the person that’s to blame for all we don’t like about ourselves?

My eight-year-old daughter is already getting hammered by the lies of the enemy attacking her beauty and her concept of who she really is. Lies that if left unchecked by the truth would eventually lead her away from the Lord to any number of painful places.

To spending lots of money on “cute” clothes. (And having to replace said clothes every few weeks because the fashion world and people’s opinions are fickle.)

To a male’s attention.

To self-hatred and depression.

To diet after diet ‘til the mirror tells her she’s beautiful.

Which won’t happen.

Because the mirror only reports what’s written on your heart. What you believe.

So what do you believe about yourself? Do you believe you’re beautiful? A unique creation that the God of the universe delights in. A beloved child of your Heavenly Daddy who said in the Garden and still says every time He looks at you, “It is good.”

Or do you believe your hair, clothes, glasses, body shape, and name say differently?

Let me share with you what I shared with my little girl…

I told her that the enemy is trying hard to get her to base her worth on the outside stuff. The things we can’t change—without much pain and expense—like our body shape, eyesight, and hair type. Instead of what God says is most important.

Our heart.

Our heart, which—if we belong to Him—has already been redeemed and made new. A heart that, if we live out of the truth, can change the world and shine His glory. A heart that, if we believe the truth, rests in His presence and glorifies Him by enjoying Him forever.

But when we base our worth on the outside stuff, we depend on anyone and everyone else to tell us we’re okay. And that quickly leads to pain. Compromise. Dissatisfaction. Anger at ourselves and others for never seeming to make the cut of what’s enough. Or, if we make the cut sometimes, we end up on the treadmill of acceptance working hard to keep the positive opinions coming.

Never looking to God. Or if we look to Him not really believing what He says is true. But that doesn’t change what’s true.

God says we’re beloved children. (Isaiah 43:1)

Beautiful. (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

The apple of His eye. (Zechariah 2:8)

Worth counting every hair on our heads and capturing every tear in his bottle. (Matthew 10:30-31 and Psalm 56:8)

Worth singing over. (Zephaniah 3:17)

Worth dying for. (John 3:16)

Worth living with forever. (John 14:2-3)

Worth waiting for and wooing so that we’ll turn from the lies, from the fickle opinion of our mirror and other’s words, and come home. (Matthew 11:28 and John 6:29)

To an opinion of you that never changes. (Hebrews 13:8)

Is filled with love. (1 John 4:8-10)

And given with a smile and outstretched arms. (Luke 15:20)

Don’t believe that? That’s okay. It’s still true.

But God’s desire is that you believe the truth. In fact He said, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)

Maybe it’s time to take another look at that mirror. Only this time, ask the Lord, “What do You see? What’s true about me?” Then listen closely.

The one who sees you first thing in the morning and even on bad hair days says you’re worth far more than rubies.

In fact, He is enthralled with your beauty. (Psalm 45:11)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

I'd like to tempt your tummy with a little ditty about this here picture straight from the Godiva website...

"Some attractions are just too powerful to resist. Surrender your heart to our universal object of love-- chocolate! A sumptuous assortment of milk, dark, and white chocolates, including ganaches, creams, caramels, and nuts." Valentine's Day Ballotin 1 lb. (36 pieces)

Why am I sharing this picture and write up? Besides the fact that it's my treat to myself for signing a three-book deal with Multnomah Publishers, it's also what I'm sending to a very special winner from my Heart Chocolate contest. Please come check out the Discussion Boards at www.amywallace.com to find out who that special somebody is! And while you're there, sign up and join the Heart Chocolate community. Right now we're talking about fiction, the life of moms, a writer's life, and my favorite subject... chocolate. :-) There's also a place to talk about Bible studies and a special place for students. I'd love to see those boards get busy with some God-sized encouragement to be found there.

I'd like to leave you with a Valentine thought for this special day we celebrate love. I quite think this is a Hallmark holiday that we as Christians need to embrace and show the world what love is really all about. Chocolates are wonderful (my girls and I have taught my husband well in this area) kisses and cards from my kiddos are awesome. But knowing I'm unconditionally loved by at least four people in addition to my Heavenly Daddy...priceless. ;-) Because that's what it's all about...LOVE. Without it we wither and with it we blossom.

The all-time best place to find it is in the arms of your Heavenly Daddy. Here are two posts about Unfailing love and The Call of God that are worth a second read.

Other incredible places to receive love once we're enjoying the love of God... a spouse, kiddos, friends. And a most important place... ourselves. Check out A Place of Grace to see what I mean.

And when all my words on love fail to perfectly capture the essence of love, there's only one place to turn...

1 Corinthians 13. Paul calls it the most excellent way~ LOVE.

1 Corinthians 13 (NLT)

If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.

Love is patient and kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.
Love does not demand its own way.
Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.
It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will all disappear. Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.

It's like this: When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.

There are three things that will endure--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!! You are LOVED!!!