Praying Dangerously: March Week One

Who am I?

I'm a mom, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a writer, an instructor, a runner, and a whole host of other things.

But who I am is so much more than the sum of my titles.

Who am I?

I survived a broken home, abuse, and so many more horrific things.

Those things are part of who I am too.

I've won awards, helped people meet Jesus, touched heaven in prayer, helped save lives, and helped point people back to Jesus.

Those amazing moments make up part of who I am too.

Who am I?

I'm the daughter of the King of kings, I'm a beloved child of my heavenly Father, and I have a Daddy who sings over me and rejoices that He made me.

I wish only that last paragraph defined me all the time.

But it doesn't.

Too often what most defines me is who I believe I am, how I see myself.

And too often I take my cues from what someone else said I am.

A disappointment.

A mistake.

Too much.

Too little.

A failed marriage.

A lost friendship.

I listen to the whisper under the words of all the people who walked out on me.

You'll never measure up.

You'll never be good enough.

Why do I listen to that voice when I know it belongs to the father of lies?

Because it sounds like the voices of people who promised to stay and didn't. Who were supposed to love me but didn't.

And I sometimes wonder if I'll ever learn to listen to the Voice of Truth.

The One who never breaks His promises and never walks away.

I think the voices the enemy of our soul uses are too familiar. Maybe that's why we listen.

I know I'm not alone.

I've taught too many writers about lies we and our characters believe and watched eyes mist over and heads nod.

I've listened to many friends and many teens say some of the same words I said above.

The good news is I know the way out of the lie pit, the self pity pit, and the dark place where only hurt seems to define a person.

It's simple...but not easy.

And it starts with asking the right person one simple question- who am I?

But then you have to listen.

First to who you say you are. Not who you want to believe you are, but who deep down you believe you are.

Who your past seems to scream you are.

The little kid who remembers hearing he was a mistake. Or a disappointment. Or a failure. Or to blame.

The teen some boy said wasn't pretty enough or some girl said wasn't worth her time.

The young adult so bent of proving her worth, she forgot to believe it for herself.

The adult who got traded in for a new model, passed over for a promotion, or just feels invisible.

See, I can quote chapter and verse to myself and to you about who God says we are.

But until we look at who we really believe we are, until we expose those other voices for what they are- lies- we won't hear the One Voice that has so much good to say.

So my challenge this week is to get alone and get quiet long enough to ask yourself: who am I?

Who did my family say I was? Who do other voices in the past say I am? Who do I really believe I am?

Make yourself listen.

Let yourself cry.

Then get ready.

Because the next question can change everything. But only if you've gotten honest with yourself and allowed God to show you what's really in your heart.

Once you've acknowledged the lies and poured out the pain, you're ready for an even more important question.

Who do You say I am, God?

Make yourself listen.

Let yourself cry.

And believe.

Then keep listening. Because this Voice is Truth. And He has so much good to say.

Praying Dangerously February Week 3

I hope you all were able to consider what love has to do with your everyday actions and to see much good come from those ponderings. 

So my question for you this week is a simple one:  how do you show love? 

Agape love. God's love.

What are some practical ways to serve that, once infused with love, can change the world? 

As a single, I'm learning how  God can use my singleness to serve others. 

Without the life I have now, I wouldn't have gone back to teaching. And I love teaching. Every week I get to pray over my students and inspire them to seek God's heart. Not just for their writing, but for their lives. 

I fully believe God is changing the world for good through my teaching, both at home and at work. 

For those of you who are single, how is God changing the world through you? 

As a parent, we have the awesome privilege and responsibility to show and teach our children how to love with God's  love. We can point them to Jesus every day- through the things that go well and through our failures too. 

God uses all things to teach us and teach through us. 

One way my family loves and serves together is through supporting ministries that serve the least of these: Samaritans Purse, Compassion, World Vision, Operation Christmas Child, and giving to local food banks and shelters.

Something we started doing years ago was to keep some cash in the van to give to people our paths cross who are in need. This year my children bought gloves, scarves, and hats to give away too. 

I've taught my children to look people in the eyes as they give to them and to listen. Those short moments of respect are moments I pray will touch their hearts as much as the physical things we give. 

It's not much at all, but these are tangible ways to say to someone that they are important and loved. 

So how is God using you as a parent to inspire your family to love others through serving? 

How about you teens? How can God show love through you?

So many of my students and other young people I know go on mission trips around the world or in their hometowns. 

The teen and college years are amazing times of opportunity to love others through service. 

But in all honesty, at every age and stage in life there are things we can do to love and serve others. 

So how about you? How is God loving through you right now? 

Praying Dangerously February Week Two

Bible Verse Pictures

What's love got to do with it?

Who's singing the Tina Turner song along with me? :-)

Seriously though, as thoughts turn to Valentine's Day this Friday, my thoughts are turning to this question- how much of what I do is done with love?

What does love really have to do with it?

My days include teaching my children, laughing with my kiddos,  teaching high schoolers online, grading papers, talking with friends, praying, Bible study, fixing broken things around the house, exercise, training for a marathon, square dancing classes, writing, Writer's Club, grocery runs, church activities, bills, emails, meal prep, and occasionally sleeping...and sundry tasks that come up unexpectedly.

I'm sure your days are equally packed.

Have you ever considered what portion of your daily tasks are done with intentional love?

If I'm honest, too much of what I do is rote and required. I don't like that.

Thankfully, God has been changing this over the last few years of learning to be single.

For one, I no longer pay bills by rote. It is an exercise in faith and love and praise when the bills are paid and the pantry is full.

Grocery runs are a chance to crunch numbers and comparison shop to find a way to bring home a treat for my kiddos that makes them smile. Last week it was cheddar popcorn on sale that we enjoyed while laughing at a favorite TV show.

Family activities are chosen with care now. Not just because of finances, but so that the time we spend relaxing is really that- relaxing, a chance to laugh together and grow closer.

Home schooling is now a daily reminder that God provides. It's not a task but a privilege. It's always been a calling and a gift to me, but now it's even more. It's an act of faith and hope and joy to see God provide a way.

But then I think about things that have been a part of my life for so long that I do them by rote. Going to church, reading my Bible, sometimes even prayer.

There have been so many days on this path where I did these things because I had nowhere else to go, no one else to turn to.

And I'm so thankful that even when my heart hurt too much to be fully engaged, God met me there.

Now I'm finally at a place again where I'm doing these things because I love Jesus. Because I'm learning to be intentional and thoughtful and aware of what motivates me.

Of course there are still those days when I hit the alarm and beg for a few more hours sleep or a day when the responsibilities of it all don't rest on my shoulders.

And there are still days I sleep walk through, and when the day is over, I've never even thought about why I did what I did.

Then one of my kiddos stops me for a hug or a Bible verse breaks through my muddled mind or someone asks for prayer, and my heart catches- this is a chance to show love.

However you will celebrate Valentine's Day, I pray you view it as a chance to show love to someone- a child, a friend, a coworker, a stranger, yourself ...God.

Stop and consider that you are loved beyond your greatest dreams and childhood hopes. God knows all about you and rejoices over you and invites you to come and experience His forever faithful love. Each and every day.

I also pray you'll join me in considering what love has to do with it...every day.

May more and more of our everyday activities be transformed by the amazing gift and beautiful fragrance of love.

Love that makes even the smallest acts treasures.  

Praying Dangerously February Week One

Our next dangerous prayer is a fitting one for February: Love through me.

At first glance this prayer doesn't seem dangerous at all. Not like praying for God to change us.

But think about it a minute.

Who do you not want God to ask you to love?

If I'm gut level honest, there are people I'd rather not love. People who have hurt me so badly that I'd prefer to pray certain Psalms for but not welcome them into my life again.

So during a month where Hallmark dominates our thoughts, God loves me- and you- too much to let me ignore this selective love problem.

I wonder if I'm alone in this.

I think the first problem with my thinking here is that when I think of love, I think of the people I love the most and define love by the way I love them- I would give my life and everything I have if they need it. I can't wait to see or talk to them. I write them notes and sing goofy songs to them. I snuggle with them anytime they come near.  We have silly jokes and crazy sayings that make us laugh anytime we think of them.

I'm of course talking about my children.

I also define love in terms of my family and friends- I'd do anything in my power for them. I pray for them and can't wait to see them. And I know I will continue to love them and they will love me even when they hurt me or I hurt them because forgiveness is part of real love.

But love- Biblical love- isn't butterflies and beautiful memories. Not always.

The Bible is pretty clear on what love is- love is laying down your life.

Love is dying to self so that God is glorified.

Biblical love is the cross.

Love is messy and heartbreaking and hard.

Love is sacrifice.

It's sometimes unreciprocated.

Love is God. Love is Jesus. Love is the Holy Spirit.

We have to be very careful defining love without some clear words about what love isn't.

In fact, there are some important things love isn't. Love isn't abuse- emotional, physical, or spiritual. Love isn't manipulation.

Love doesn't ignore sin or make excuses for sin- yours or someone else's.

Love isn't a doormat or a punching bag.

Love doesn't wear itself to the bone or work itself to death.

These are just my thoughts on what love is or isn't. And sometimes they get me into trouble.

Especially when I argue with God about what it means to love those I'd rather not love.

So maybe the best place to go is to the Truth. The very definition of Love- God.

He says if we love Him, we will obey Him. John 14:23

In other words, when God says do this or that, I must do it. Even if I don't want to.

Sometimes love has to let go and hand a person bound in sin over to God. And that's hard. Loving someone who doesn't love you back.

That's when love is a cross.

And I don't like it. I'd rather define love as butterflies and beautiful memories, silly songs and snuggles.

Until I get on my knees to ask forgiveness.

Then I'm overwhelmed and thankful that love is the cross, and Jesus bore it for me long before I came to be.

I'm also thankful love is so beautifully portrayed in 1 Corinthians 13...

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endure through every circumstance.....Love lasts forever. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

I think silly songs and snuggles pass the Biblical test. Just like wiping fevered brows and praying at bedsides.

But most of all...love is God and God is love.

How do you define love?

Praying Dangerously Week 4

So far, I've shared questions and ponderings on praying dangerously. And challenged all of us, me included, to pray this first dangerous prayer: 

I surrender. Continue Your good work in me. Change me.

What I'd like to do today is offer an answer to one of my deepest questions and then ask you to join me and share with others where you need prayer. 

I'd love the honor of praying for you and knowing we are lifting each other up to our Lord, who is Himself the answer.

My question: How do we change what needs changing in us?

I could offer many "ten steps to a new you" lists, some of which have helped me and some have not.

I could say exercise, read the Bible more, reach out to others. All of which are good, very good, things to do. 

But many of us have tried various ways to accomplish those things and many more things...and failed. 

I'd like to offer another suggestion. 

It's not original. It's not a life-shattering revelation. 

It is where I am and what I've seen work in my life more than anything else I've ever done.

Believe in Christ and pray God's Word and don't give up. 

Simple. Not easy.

Prayer is the work. 

It's not all the work because sometimes we have to put feet to our faith, but prayer is what focuses us on what God wants and on who He is. 

John 6:29 "Jesus told them, 'This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the One He has sent.'"

1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Never stop praying." 

Something I've started that keeps me from constantly begging God for relief or provision is to pray His Word for my children and myself.

For example: We have all struggled with anger over various injustices in our life situation. So I went to the Word and asked God what to pray about this issue. Then I wrote out a prayer based on Ephesians 4:26, 1 Peter 2:23, and Romans 12:17-21.

"May my children not sin by letting anger control them, but instead entrust themselves to God who judges justly. May they not seek revenge but leave it to the Lord, and may they overcome evil with good." 

It settles my heart to pray this way. To believe God hears, is good, and will answer according to His character and His will and His perfect timing. 

The praying isn't the hard part for me. The believing is. Which is why I go back to the Word and affirm the truth, no matter what I feel. 

Simple. Not easy. 

None of us will be perfect in this...or anything else. Which is one reason we don't give up. And we look forward to heaven when the imperfect disappears, and we will see the Perfect One face to face.

So there's my answer. I hope it encourages you and inspires you to dig into the Word and pray.

Now I'd like to ask what to pray for you...and yes, I mean you. 

What burden can you share that we can help you bear up under? What need do you have that we can pray God's Word for you? 

Father, thank You that You hear the cries and joys and fears and hopes of Your people and are already at work in all of our circumstances. Thank You that You capture every tear in a bottle, and You treasure every one of Your children. We are noticed and cared for and cherished, even when we don't feel it. You rejoice over us, You hold us in the palm of Your hand, and You promised You will never abandon us. May we draw near to You as individuals and as a group of pray-ers, lifting each other to You. You inhabit the praises and hear the prayers of Your people, so we come and thank You for who You are and what You will do in and through and for us. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Praying Dangerously January Week 3

There's an idea I've been wrestling with for some time now that I would love to discuss...

What does it mean to live with eternity in mind? 

The idea both thrills and terrifies me. 

Thrills because it means having my focus on Jesus and living in His peace because I know the end of my story - the second I leave this world, I'll be forever in the presence of my holy and loving God. Until then, somehow my life will make sense, and the ugly and the joyful moments will all mix together to create something beautiful. 

It's the somehow that gets me. 

It scares me because unlike church rules there are no boundaries to living this life. It means staying open to whatever God wants me to do whenever He wants me to do it. And trusting Him alone to take care of me. 

I don't know about you, but that blank check kind of living is hard. It's not my first choice. 

I know it's what surrender means- that God is in charge and I'm not. 

But how do you really live that way? At peace like Jesus in a boat in the midst of a storm. 

I feel like I'm living in the eye of a hurricane right now. It's peaceful at this moment, but something more is coming that could capsize my world. It's how I've lived these last few years. 

I want to be at peace and trust God has it all under control. Because His Word says He does. But it doesn't always look like He does. 

Life doesn't make sense.

How do you live with eternity in mind in the midst of a crazy, uncertain world? 

After years of not knowing what tomorrow will bring, I'd really like a life where I know where my next meal is coming from, that I'll have a roof over my head, where my job is secure and pays the bills, where my kids and I are safe,  where I have medical insurance and can afford my insulin, and where I can serve God in a way that brings joy to others and my heart.

But life's not like that. 

It's messy and unpredictable and unknown. 

The reality is we don't know more than we know. 

Does living with eternity in mind mean not focusing on or ignoring the messy unknown but choosing to look higher? To a reality beyond our five senses? To the things that I know are true because God said they are true?

"So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on the things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:18

What does living with eternity in mind mean?

I hope you'll join me in this dialogue. I want to learn more. You all have so much to teach.

Praying Dangerously January 2014 Week 2

I won't ask for a show of hands for how many people this week prayed our first dangerous prayer- I surrender. Continue Your good work in me. Change me. 

I do want to ask a follow up question related to last week. 

What is your big question to God?

Last week, I listed a lot of questions I've asked or am asking God...

Why? Are You really? Do You care? Do You really? Am I really? Will You really?

This week, I'm asking you... What's your big question to God? And how will His answer change you?

At the core, the big question for me is either Why? or Do I matter? 

I'd love to say my big question to God is what- what do You want me to do, Lord? 

That feels like a more mature, more grounded question. And in some ways it is. It's a great question. 

But I think most of us have to settle some other questions first. 

And those questions are important to God. 

God's Word tells us to come to Him. He can handle our doubts and questions. 

He already knows the deep questions of our hearts. 

So I ask God questions. A lot of questions. Often.

It's no surprise to me that I have three very inquisitive children. I love that...most of the time.

I'm thankful God invites me to come and ask, knock, seek...all of the time. 

Sometimes, however, God asks me to be still. To live with no answers. No game plan. No understanding of my situation and no answer to my why questions. 

I wonder if sometimes the lack of answers changes me more than the answers. 

The silence challenges me to be still and remember what I know.

God is good.

God loves me. Unconditionally. Forever.

God will provide. 

God is for me.

God promises my life has a purpose and He has a plan. 

I also wonder if what changes me most is asking the questions and continuing to ask of God until I find a place of peace in His arms. Answers or not.

So I come. 

Will you? 

Matthew 11:28-29, "Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'"

Praying Dangerously

Change me, Lord. 

Our first dangerous, open-ended prayer. If we are going to see the God of the impossible do what only He can do, we need our eyes and hearts open to see and receive.

I don't know about you, but I have a laundry list of things I know need to change in me before I can really see. 

Questions I don't like to admit I ask. 

And things I'd rather God left alone or changed in other people.

You too?

So maybe before we even start praying for God to change us, we need to get honest about what really needs to change. 

Here's my list of what I'd like God to change in me:

Help me lose ten pounds.

Make me quicker to praise than complain.

Help me see people the way God sees them.

Help me forgive the way God forgives.

Make me not focused on myself but focused on Him and others.

Help me trust Him to do the impossible for me.

Help me believe God really does have a purpose and plan for my life. 

Let me be even more transparent here...under those honest requests are some huge hurts.

God, do You think I'm beautiful? Is that enough?

Why does life hurt so much? Are You really at work in the mess? Do You care?

How do You really see me?

Do You really not see my sin when You look at me? Am I really completely forgiven? I don't deserve it, how is it possible? 

Do You care about all of me, so much that I can rest in Your care and not worry about what I need? 

Do You really love me and not just put up with me because You're God and You sort of have to love me? 

Will You really use someone with my life story to change the world? 

Maybe you've never asked those questions. I hope you haven't. Those questions come from deep hurt, not theological doubt. 

Because even though my head and sometimes my heart knows the truth, and I can quote the Scriptures that answer those questions, there's still a frightened little girl inside who didn't get protected and wonders if there really is that protection available...for me. 

See, I believe without a hint of doubt that God loves my children, my family, my friends, and others with a miraculous, unconditional love. A love that is immeasurably more than can be imagined. 

But me? 

I'm afraid to believe that God loves me like that because that...would change everything.

A love like that  would change how I see myself. Accepted. Cherished. Precious. And in turn how I see and treat others.

A love like that would change how I think and speak, how I see circumstances. 

A love like that would change how I forgive.

In a love like that I would find security that all I need will be provided because God promised. Then I would share that love with others.

A love like that would change....everything.

And it has. 

But there's still more that needs to change. 

Praise God His Word promises, "I am certain that God, who began the good work in you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1: 6

So maybe our first dangerous prayer is better stated...

I surrender. Continue Your good work in me. Change me. 

What about you? What must change in You? How will you pray?

2013 is almost over, and I rejoice that I can put a painful year to rest with the message of Hope that God is working in my life.

Many of you know each year in December God focuses my heart in prayer on a word or phrase for the coming year. My word for 2012 was Family. That was the year my husband left us.

I learned that year what family really is and what the love of children, the love of my parents and siblings, and the love of my Christian family can do.

It can save a heart and pray hope from a flicker into a flame.

My word for 2013 was Faith. And my faith has been stretched and broken and rebuilt throughout an agonizing twelve months of heartbreak.

But God...is faithful.

A bruised reed He won't break. Instead He picks up His bruised and battered little ones and surrounds them with friends who hold them up and believe God for them when they feel like faith is impossible.

In addition to friends and provision and victory, God also stirred in my heart a renewed calling. Many times in the last two years I've felt useless, like the circumstances of my life that were out of my control had stolen any place I could find to serve.

But God...had a plan.

Every tear He captured in His bottle, every pain He held me through, even when I tried to push Him away. He is faithful.

I haven't written much more than lesson plans for my classes for well over a year. I've wanted to, but exhaustion and pain have a way of deadening creativity.

But God...had a purpose for it all.

God was pouring in lessons and prayers and smiles through the tears all along. Then a few weeks ago I sat down and began typing out a book idea. In fifteen minutes, I'd outlined an idea that made my heart sing again. I talked it over with my agent and got the green light to begin a project like nothing I've ever done.

So get ready because you all are a huge part of this project of prayer!

My phrase for 2014 is praying dangerously to the God of the impossible.

I long for 2014 to be a year where we see God do amazing things because we are joining Him in praying for impossible things for all who need the God of the impossible to work in their lives.

Remember... Prayer isn't what you do when you can't do anything else. Prayer is the work.

So let's begin our journey together in 2014 through prayer. The God of the impossible and the God of immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine is inviting us.

1 Thessalonians 5:17  Never stop praying.

John 6:29 Jesus told them, "This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the One He has sent."

Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...

Let's pray and believe in Him and see Him do what only He can do!

Looking Ahead

I'm dusting off my good old blog here and hoping there are still some folks out there listening...

Life in 2012 was hard. There were amazing days, but also very dark, painful days. My word for 2012 was FAMILY. I had hoped and prayed that meant healing of my marriage and my home.

To God, apparently, it meant the opposite of what I prayed. In March, I found out my husband had lied to me about so much of our life together it seemed as if it was all a lie. In fact, it was. He moved out in May and has never looked back, intending to file for divorce.

But what the enemy has meant for evil and destruction, God has used for good. My home is now filled with peace instead of the turmoil addiction brings. My children and I are healing. And there is hope.

Is it still hard? Absolutely. There are tears and wishes for the healing we had all hoped would happen.

But we have learned that even when life is unfair and wrong and painful, God is still very, very good. He loves us with a love no human love can match.

And we have a promise that life here is not what it's all about. We have a forever home in Heaven and that’s where we fix our eyes~ on Jesus, who is preparing a glorious place for us where we will see Him face to face forever.

Even the good in life here pales in comparison.

Our light and momentary troubles are creating for us and in us something far greater than we can imagine. They are growing us up in Christ and showing us that faith is the only way to live.

FAITH is my word for 2013. I really didn't want a new word for the year since the last words have been painful in their being lived out in my life.

But starting with the gift of a beach trip for my children and me over the holidays, we've begun to see that to have faith in God is to hope, to see Him do more than we can ask or imagine.

One clear picture from our trip stands out as a symbol I hold onto for this year. It started at Christmas when my precious kiddos gave me this gorgeous charm bracelet. On it were seven charms~ three depicting my special names for my children, one with three keys because they hold the keys to my heart, a wolf, a globe for missions, and a dolphin.

Now, I love dolphins and we have always enjoyed seeing them when we're at the beach, but they aren't really a favorite animal I'd put on a charm bracelet.

While we were in Daytona Beach, we saw sting rays and tons of birds, but no dolphins. On January 3rd, the day before we were headed home, the four of us were sitting on my bed praying and looking out over the ocean.

I'd just started praying about the stories of faith I'd read in the Bible that morning: Abraham, Hannah, Jehoshaphat, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and how these men and women walked in faith and not fear and God delivered them.

I happened to glance out to the ocean as I prayed and was stopped mid-sentence.

There were dolphins!

A whole pod of them, dancing and leaping in the waves. We just watched and smiled.

Then I realized why God had my oldest include a dolphin charm on my bracelet~ to remind me that to walk in faith is victory. Joyful, hopeful, dancing victory.

We are still walking in the valley of the shadow of death. But as Psalm 23 says, we have nothing to fear because God is close beside us.

With his dancing, leaping, joyful victory in store for us.

And the picture of His beautiful dolphins to remind us to walk in faith with a joy that can only come from Him.

Of Paper Bags, Cucumbers, and God Kisses...

Strange combo of terms in the title, right? Well...grab a cup of lemonade and let me tell you a story.


It all started with a little girl afraid of noise. Public places scared her. People scared her. Then she grew up and conquered that fear. 


She thought she had anyway. But deep inside, she was still afraid- of everything.


Including grocery stores.


She never knew why. Not until things in her life reached a breaking point at home with her husband's addiction and she realized she had to get help for her heart.


She was led by God's great mercy to an amazing trauma counselor. Her last book advance paid for every counseling appointment- to the exact penny. And through every appointment God was present, revealing, healing, showing Himself to be so very good, so very real.


Even as He revealed horrific things from the past. With every memory, every tear (and there were many) God began to heal her mind and her heart. In every painful session, God revealed more and healed more. Childhood physical, verbal, sexual abuse.


Life began to make sense. Fear began to lessen because the people and experiences she feared were in the past- not happening right now.


God provided even more opportunities to see the healing happen. Amazing conversations with family members. Noise-which equaled a beating in the past- began to just be noise. Balloons popped. Kids were kids. And she smiled. 


She even went to the grocery store for the first time in her life and could add prices in her head. Where before, she'd run into the store and try to run out, but couldn't add 6 plus 4 without her insides turning into knots. 


Healing, true, deep, tangible healing was taking place.


Obviously, that she is me. And the last few months have been a roller coaster of pain and joy. Of experiencing real freedom from the chains of the past that bound me. Of healing.


Which brings me to the cucumbers and paper bags...


Money is tight, as it is for all of us, and one of my daughters needed a paper bag for a tea party luminary. I didn't know if we'd have the extra to buy some this week because of unexpected medical bills.


As we were pulling out of our driveway to head to the grocery, a neighbor gave us a gift of Wisconsin cheese- in a paper bag.


I nearly cried. God knew our need and cared that we see clearly His creative, intimate provision. 


While we were at the grocery, we noticed a sign for the first time. A sign that encapsulates grocery shopping and just about everything I'm learning to do as a separated woman raising kids on her own. 


Shop adventurously. 


We are. ;-)


At the store, I couldn't find the cucumbers I needed for this week. But I got "adventurous" and picked up some zucchini squash and started thinking about whether my kids would go for them instead of cucumber.


When I looked down at the package again, I saw "organic cucumber." The only cucumbers in the store.


In my hand.


Once again, God revealed Himself as a loving, present, extravagant God who cares intimately for every need.


I call moments like these God kisses. 


So that's how paper bags, cucumbers, and God kisses go together in my adventure with the Lord. 


Like I told a friend at church last night- when all you have that makes sense in your world is God, you start to see His amazing, intimate, omnipresent love in myriad places...


Even in paper bags and cucumbers. 

Happy 2012!

I love Christmas and the whole holiday season... except when it winds down and the tree is gone and the lights are gone and January blahs set in.

So to combat the letdown, our family has collected a nice amount of snowmen and snowflakes~ mostly handmade creations~ to decorate. And I spend some free time at the computer this week, looking back and praying and dreaming into the New Year.

The last handful of years, I've prayed about a word for the year. Each time, God has given me a wonderful word: Peace. Love. Contentment. Those were the words for the last three years. They heralded in very tough, very painful years of struggle, challenge, and discontentment.

But they also prepared me for what was ahead long before I knew what I'd meet on the path before me. I've learned peace in the midst of career and family chaos. I've learned to love when that word meant a cross. And I've learned to be content when life gave me plenty of reasons to rail against contentment.

Not that I've arrived. I think maybe all the tough lessons are because I'm a little stubborn. Okay, a lot. And that's why such beautiful words have welcomed in such tough days. And such amazing opportunities.

The word for 2011 was Contentment. I've looked back to see last year was a series of medical non-answers, lots and lots of hours spent working on two books, and the reality that God was there in the midst of it all.

I remain hopeful that the word for 2012 will come with some lessons that challenge and stretch me— some of which fall in the category of "good" and not all "painful."

My word for 2012 is Family. Not the word I was looking for, but it fits perfectly with what God has been doing in my life all 2011. After a stressful stretch of almost all workdays, school days, and hospital days, it's time to reorient and rest. It's time to focus in and laugh with the four people that mean more to me than anything. Then focus out and serve. Maybe even do both at the same time.

We had planned to ring in the New Year with a weekend full of family, fun, and friends. We started with a sleepover last night. Then finally starting work on our doll house today—the one we bought last Christmas and dreamed about how we'd have it put together, lights installed, and decorated by this Christmas.

Tomorrow we were headed to the High Museum, out to a favorite restaurant, and then on to a friend’s home to play games and usher in 2012.

But the chorus of coughs and sniffles going on behind me today says God had different plans for our New Year's weekend. I'm praying we can knock what appears to be sinus infections away and still manage to go out to eat.

But if not, we'll definitely be celebrating family and rest by welcoming in 2012 sound asleep. ;-)

So for the healthy ones out there... Enjoy ringing in the New Year a little extra for us, okay? Have a fabulous time laughing and loving and remembering and dreaming.

For those of us not able to carry on with plans as usual... Enjoy ringing in a New Year where God has already gone ahead and is preparing both us and the circumstances around us to see and know that He is God and He is good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! May 2012 be a year filled with the love of God, the hope of Christ, and fellowship with the Holy Spirit. And may you be encouraged and strengthened as you receive from God and overflow to all of those around you.

Happy 2012! 

Time for a Vacation

Life's tough. We all experience that. So I did what all wise women do when life heats up to a boil... escape.

Okay, maybe not all of us do that. Some go shopping. Smart ladies pray. (I'm praying someday I'll be one of those smart ones.) I daydream about escape. Especially when my body doesn't cooperate and falls apart, my wonderful children decide today's not the day for wonderful, and writing is akin to swallowing tacks.

In October, I finally stopped daydreaming about escape and took a cruise with my hubby and some writer friends.

It was the best medicine for all that ailed me. God was gracious and gave us this blessing of time away, time with friends, time to float in the huge blue ocean. Time to laugh. Time to think.

I came home realizing yet again, that I need that kind of time more than once a year. If I were rich, I'd cruise three or four times a year. But I'm not rich and I have school to teach, kiddos to love, writing to do, martial arts for needed exercise.

But I do need time with friends, time to laugh, time to just be. And time to hear God before the need to escape kicks in.

I'm not quite sure yet how to do that, but I'm praying and trusting God's not done with the lessons learned on Caribbean waters.

For now, when my health is still a struggle and my kids and I are human and not always wonderful, I think I'll watch these videos (soon to come, they're still upside down and in need of editing) and stare at these photos below... and remember.

God is good.
He delights in His creation~ even me on a bad day and funny, tiny, electric fish in the ocean.
He has a good plan that includes trials and tough days.
He loves me. And you.

Amy, David, and Biggs in Jamaica.





Me snorkeling for the very first time!

Dear friends, Sharon Hinck and Trish Perry. They are two of my favorite authors of all time.

Isn't God amazing! This is a view from the dining room somewhere in the Caribbean.

Cruising with friends is the way to go! So many laughs, learning, and love shared amongst this amazing group of writers.

God is so good! And I'm no longer wishing for an escape. I love being home and my kiddos, and I love being a writer. Still wish I could bring Jamaican deep blue water home with me. ;-)



Answers, finally!

I'm soooo excited! After months of not knowing the extent of damage or cause of my ICU trip in July, I have answers. My pulmonologist reviewed the breathing tests I had today and said my lungs were fine, pretty good in fact. As we discussed numbers from my ICU visit, he admitted I "could have had blood clots that passed quickly."

Yep, God sure did something big in healing me.

In addition, we exchanged ideas about what could have caused these blood clots. He agreed I most likely have sleep apnea and that sleep apnea could cause my higher pulmonary pressure numbers, which in turn could cause blood clots. BUT the pulmonary numbers aren't high enough to warrant a diagnosis now or treatment besides what I already knew to do.

My doc also agreed that staying hydrated and exercising were the best things I could do to remain healthy. That and do a sleep study to prove I have sleep apnea and start using a C-pap.

He also explained the pain I'm still having in my chest. After some poking around and a series of questions, he felt confident the pain was caused by joint damage to my ribs where the rib and cartilage join. He also said to stop the routine of push ups I'd started doing again. Guess hand weights will have to do until my ribs heal.

My best connect the dots for what happened is that a martial arts injury to my shoulder also caused the rib joint damage. That benched me from physical activity. When I don't exercise, I don't drink enough water. Then the night before my ER stay I'd had two cups of coffee and ended up so dehydrated I had no tears even with all the pain. The missing link was the sleep apnea adding to this perfect storm and increasing my pulmonary pressure and thus the blood clots.

But if I stay hydrated, exercise, and start using a C-pap, there's a very good probability I'll stay healthy and no more blood clot worries.

THANK YOU soooo much for praying~ during the ICU visit and all the non-answers and resulting doctor visits with no answers~ you kept us sane and hopeful and as pain free as possible. Thank you all again for praying for healing and for wisdom... and answers. God is so gracious to have given a "Yes" to those requests.

I've lived the power of prayer and I'm forever grateful you all were a part of this journey. Thank You!

Back to Normal... Not

I've experienced the craziest, most pain-filled, most joy-soaked week in my life. It all started with stabbing pain in my chest Saturday at 4 AM. I couldn't breathe well and the pain spread to my shoulders and back, up my neck and into my head. I finally gave up my stubbornness and woke my husband. Then I told him I was going back to sleep.

He insisted we go to the ER.

One of the ICU nurses said if he hadn't forced me to go, I likely wouldn't have woken up the next day.

Long story short, I had another attack just as they were releasing me from the ER that was so much worse than the first. My husband was terrified. I would have been if I could have thought of anything else but the pain.

They sent me for a CT scan that a doctor said was lit up like a Christmas tree with blood clots in my lungs in all four quadrants. No wonder I couldn't breathe. Pulmonary embolism was the diagnosis that earned me a trip to the ICU.

When the pain finally subsided, my kids were terrified along with my husband. So was I. But instead of giving in to fear, my youngest stuck by my side and made me get well cards. She's still making me cards today.

My husband and older two daughters decided to pray instead of worry. My girls prayed with the families of two other ICU patients and encouraged them. Later Saturday night, David heard a code blue in the ICU and noticed a woman crying outside a room near mine. He ended up praying with her when the doctor came out to say her husband had passed away. Had David not been there, she'd have faced that news alone. When the doctor told her of her husband's death, she praised God for her husband's life and the time they had with him. I want to live like that. Please pray for Donna and her two children (10 and 12). God is holding them, but prayer makes a difference that defies explanation.

I know that from experience. Prayers carried us through a long day in the ER, a frightening stay in the ICU, and enabled us to see so many God moments.

In addition to the privilege of praying and watching my family share God's love with strangers, another God touched moment happened on Saturday afternoon in the ICU. My youngest daughter wouldn't leave my side the whole time she was there. But she was freezing. One of the ICU nurses warmed up a blanket, wrapped it around her, and sat her back on my bed. She wasn't even old enough to visit the ICU, but the nurse not only allowed all three of my girls to be with me but took the time to make sure they were comforted and cared for.

The next day, Sunday, I had a second scan done and the doctors were shocked to see my lungs were clear. Their only explanation was that the first CT scan was wrong. My family and I know better. We know God choose to heal me. I went home the next day.

I went from almost dying Saturday morning because of a pulmonary embolism to walking out of the hospital Monday with no blood clots at all. I'm home and so thankful for another day with my precious family.

At the same time my heart is heavy for Donna and her family. Even as we pray comfort for them in their huge loss, I can't forget how she choose to praise God during one of the most difficult and painful moments of her life.

I don't know why God healed me and took Donna's husband home. What I do know is Donna believes God is good. How can I not agree?

Life in my home is back to "normal," and yet it's not. We're keenly aware that my family could be going through what Donna's family is. We won't waste the gift of another day.

Every pain I've struggled with since coming home, another ER visit with no answers, and the normal squabbles of family life remind me that this world is not my home. Even so, each day is a miracle. Each breath is a gift. Thank You God!

Title Help and Something for You

I'm doing a new thing today and praying it will spark some ideas from you creative geniuses out there. Yes, I'm talking to you. ;-)

I found out yesterday I need two new titles for my Mennonite Romantic Suspense books due out in April and October of 2012. So, I'm asking for your help.

I'll post the story blurbs with original titles. The awesome publishing team at Harvest House loved the titles but heard from some bookstore accounts that the titles are overused in the marketplace, so we need something fresh.

Here's where you come in.... please give the information below some prayer and thought and start listing out your title ideas. If I send your title suggestions to my publisher and they pick yours, your name will appear in the acknowledgements with my eternal gratitude and you'll receive a signed copy of the first book when it releases.

Sound good?

Here's a little about the stories:

In Plain Sight


A female police officer’s assistance to a Mennonite runaway forces her into the middle of an escalating battle between two communities and the big city violence she left behind.

Nowhere to Run

Hiding among the Mennonite community fails to protect a female police officer and places everyone she loves in the crosshairs of a dangerous stalker.

I can't wait to see your creative genius! Thanks so much for helping.

The Art of Sacrifice

God has a sense of humor. Sometimes I say this with a smile, sometimes it's a bittersweet reality. Right now I'm living in the latter part of that sometimes.

I've recently finished my first contracted novel of this year and turned it in, then turned right around and started working on my second book. This is not optimal writing time, but it was a gift and opportunity straight from God.

When I first began this writing journey, I wrote a book about forgiveness thinking I knew what I was talking about and it would be easy.

I'm pretty sure God chuckled.

I can now join Him in that because I learned the hard way that there is nothing easy about writing, especially when God uses your book to teach you a deeper truth. A truth that's sometimes painful.

I can laugh now because I see what God did in my heart, my life, and my work, and in retrospect it was worth every tear. God brought beauty from pain and joy from despair. He also created books that I'm proud of and that He used to touch hearts and draw people into a place of healing.

You'd think after a number of subsequent books I'd learn. Apparently, I'm still in kindergarten.

You see, I've tried to write books about chocolate and friendship. God closed that door.

I tried to write the first book of this new series without really bleeding on the pages. God said no.

So I did what most kindergarteners do, I pouted and tried the whole, "I'll do it by my own self!"

Yeah, I know. You all had no idea how mature I could be. ;-)

God is a perfect parent and thankfully doesn't laugh at me nor leave me to my own devices and plans. He's wooed me slowly and subtly and in some not-so-subtle ways regarding the next lesson.

I thought book two was going to be about fear, what happens when faith fails. God allowed me to go forward on that premise but then started putting books in my path that challenged me to go deeper.

So I started playing around with the idea that maybe this book was about sacrifice versus selfishness and how God can use both. Maybe even that there's a deeper picture, an echo of the real life we're called to live. There's a part at the end of the novel that is clearly a huge spiritual and physical sacrifice so it meshes nicely with this idea.

But that wasn't enough. God had to make it personal.

First my pastor had to go and talk about how we are called to a life of death, the way of the cross, to lay down our wants and rights and plans without a fight for the cause of Christ. For something bigger than ourselves. Sacrifice. To follow Christ means to follow Him in death, so that life, real life, is what He lives through us.

Then I read in Sacred Parenting this morning a line that laid my selfishness bare. "While we find it easy to 'open up' a spiritual gift, it's not so easy to lay one down on God's behalf."

Ouch. That stepped all over my best laid plans for a book that didn't require my blood, sweat, and tears.

There were hopes and dreams I had for this section of my journey that I'm having to lay down. One of those is a story that didn't turn my world sideways and pound my heart to pieces.

But even as I wrote about this in my journal this morning, I realized there was a purpose. I may not always get to see the reason God asks me to lay something down, but I can trust His heart.

He's never taken me through the fire for nothing. A book with fire in it that has God's fingerprints and my tear stains all over it is a gift. A sacrifice of love to a God who's given me everything.

An opportunity to fly in the face of "normal" and easy and instead choose an adventure that will change me, grow me, and draw me deeper into Christ.

This call to sacrifice is hard. It's death. I didn't ask for it. I don't often want it. But it's the call of the cross and the Christ of the cross. To lay it all down without a fight or a two-year-old pouting session and trust the heart of the One who walked this path first into a horrific death and life-giving resurrection.

There is an art to this call of sacrifice. A surrender full of grace and peace and hope. A trust like Job's that says though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.

I just happened to look up to the left of my monitor to see a writing verse God impressed on my heart four years ago: 2 Samuel 24:24 "I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.”

I think God is chuckling again. This time I'm joining Him at the beginning.