It's been a wild week since I last posted. My oldest princess celebrated a birthday and two days later her spiritual birthday. She was so excited about both! She has been walking with the Lord for half as long as she's been alive. And at her young age that's an amazing thing to me. I was a teen before I understood what it meant to have a personal relationship with God. To see her growing in wisdom and grace at so young an age is such a joy.
Not that we don't have our bad days. Oh boy, do we ever! Seems my oldest and I are cut from the same cloth and tend to sin in similar ways. Makes for quite a tiff when we're not walking in step with the Spirit.
Add to that all that’s happening in the world around us and it makes me realize just how vital walking in the Light really is. My heart is heavy after looking at pictures of the devastation in Louisiana and Mississippi and elsewhere. If nothing else it reminds me how necessary it is to stay close to the Lord. This world is uncertain at best and horribly dark at worst. Either way we desperately need the Lord. In fact, I’m learning that it’s not just that we need Him, but that nothing in this world will ever truly satisfy.
Even my relationship with God doesn’t shield me from the pain of this world.
It’s bittersweet to live with my head out of the sand and to walk in the Light.
Because in the Light I see and am touched by the pain around me.
There I am also driven to my knees to pray.
It’s not a bad place to be. But it does hurt. Especially when pain touches even closer to home. All I can share freely is that someone I care about (outside of my family) has made some tough choices and my heart is still reeling and waiting to see if they survive. I hate to be so vague, but for right now I have to be. The Lord knows, so any prayers you feel led to offer, for me and for a friend of mine, would be so greatly appreciated.
All that to say, knowing WHOSE you are and WHO you are in Christ is so very necessary to walk through this tough world. My prayer is that my small offering here on this blog will help someone take another step closer to the Light and to knowing who God created them to be.
With that in mind I offer this information on the last three spiritual gifts~ Giving, Leadership, and Mercy.
Giving
Those with the gift of giving are motivated to be a part of the Lord’s work by giving of themselves and their resources. Matthew is a Biblical example of the gift of giving.
Characteristics of the giver:
Able to see resources, opportunities, and needs that others miss.
Wise and disciplined in their use of money.
Desire to give high quality, things of lasting value.
Long to know their gift is an answer to prayer.
Prefers to give in secret and without the pressure of appeals.
Motivated by God showing them where to give.
Concerned with how money is used and don't want to give in a way that people become dependent on them.
Very frugal and exercises personal thriftiness.
Give to motivate others to give also.
Walking in the Spirit
Thrifty (NOT stingy)
Resourceful
Content
Punctual
Tolerant
Cautious
Grateful
Walking in the flesh
Extravagant
Wasteful
Covetousness
Tardy
Prejudice
Rash
Ungrateful (forget Who the Source is)
Leadership
The driving force of a leader is to organize that for which they are responsible and to work hard to accomplish the goal set before them. Nehemiah is a Biblical example of the gift of leadership.
Characteristics of a leader:
Able to see the big picture and visualize the final result.
Ability to break down the major goals into smaller, achievable tasks.
Thinks ahead.
Decisive and disciplined.
Ability to know what can and cannot be delegated and to whom.
Tendency to remove self from distracting details and focus on the ultimate goal.
Willingness to endure objections they know will come.
Need for loyalty and confidence from those who are being directed.
Tendency to assume responsibility if no structured leadership exists.
Desire to complete a task as soon as possible.
Joy and fulfillment in seeing all the parts come together and others enjoying the finished product.
Quick to move on to the next project when one is completed.
Walking in the Spirit
Orderly
Takes initiative
Assumes responsibility
Humble spirit
Decisive
Determined
Loyal
Walking in the flesh
Disorganized
Apathetic
Unreliable
Dictatorial
Double-minded
Fearful
Unfaithful
Mercy
Those with the gift of mercy are driven by deep compassion for others. John is a Biblical example of the gift of mercy.
Characteristics of the mercy giver:
Ability to feel on a level most people don’t.
Can sense a person’s emotions and identify them.
Desire to remove hurts and bring healing rather than look for the benefits of hurt.
Greater concern for mental distress rather than physical distress of others.
Attracted to and understand people who experience mental and emotional distress.
Sensitive to words and actions that hurt other people.
They are the cheerfulness and joy of the Body of Christ.
Tendency to react harshly when intimate friends are rejected.
Fiercely loyal and devoted.
Ability to sense genuine love and a have a greater vulnerability to deeper and more frequent hurts from the lack of love.
A strong need for deep friendships in which there is mutual commitment.
Measure acceptance by physical closeness and quality time.
Tendency to avoid firmness unless they see how it will bring benefit and eliminate greater hurt.
Quickly close themselves to those who are insincere or insensitive.
Walking in the Spirit
Attentiveness
Sensitive to other’s needs
Fairness
Compassion
Gentleness
Deference (willing to submit)
Humility/ meekness
Walking in the flesh
Unconcerned
Calloused (don’t feel anything)
Partial
Indifferent
Harsh
Rude
Angry
With all this information, one point I want to really emphasize is this: Each and every believer has been given at least one spiritual gift. 1 Corinthians 12:7 says it this way, “A spiritual gift is given to each of us as a means of helping the entire church.”
Please hear that. YOU have a spiritual gift. It was given to you by the Holy Spirit for the purpose of helping the entire church. Please, please, please… ask the Lord to reveal to you what your gift is and how to walk in it for the sake of the Body of Christ.
You are so very needed!
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Walking in the Light
Long time, no blog! Sorry it's been a while since my last post. I've been busy doing some really cool things and I finally have a minute to share. A little background first… August in my home traditionally means a month of high stress wrapped in chocolate. Getting home school lessons ready, preparing for a writers' conference in mid-September, and consuming far too much chocolate to survive all the late nights required. This August God added a 12th grade Sunday school teacher’s position, major house renovations, and a beach trip to prepare for in early September.
All these things (except for the chaos of house renovations) are things I’ve prayed about and longed to do for some time now. The neatest part of all is that I’m not stressing out. I’m enjoying it. With six years of home schooling under my belt, I’ve finally stepped out from boxed curriculum and am using things that fit my girls’ learning styles and me as a teacher too. It’s been a lot of work to organize, but I’ve designed a curriculum that will teach me, uhm, I mean my daughters, lots of fascinating facts and we’ll have fun doing it. ;-)
With my writing, I’m at a place where I feel confident leaving my work in the Lord’s hands and trusting His timing for a contract. I’m done trying to fit into a nice, neat category and I’m writing the stories and books God’s placed on my heart.
And teaching senior high? Let’s just say I’m loving it!!!
Why am I so excited about all these things? I believe it’s because I’m living out of who I really am and doing what I was created to do.
A lot of it has to do with the healing in my heart that God is hard at work accomplishing. The more comfortable I’ve become with being me, the more excited I am about stepping out and doing the things I love to do. Those things can be summed up in three words.
Truth-telling and teaching.
Spiritual gift inventories say I’m a prophet-teacher. I agree. Any definition I’ve heard of these two gifts fits me like a glove. All the work God's done in my heart and in my marriage has freed me to be more of who I am and to be comfortable with myself—to teach what most excites me and to write what most moves my heart. It’s an incredible place to be.
In blogs past I’ve shared a great deal about my journey to healing. It’s been a long desert walk. And there’s more walking to do. But I feel like the surroundings are changing from a desert to the beach.
Let me just say, beach sand beats the desert any day!
Something else that’s helped me grow more comfortable in my own skin is learning more about how God created me and the gifts He’s given me to use in building up the Body of Christ.
I’d like to share some of what I’ve learned through my pastor’s teaching on spiritual gifts. As I do, I hope that you will see how God has gifted you too. And in seeing your gifting, that you’ll see God’s smile as you live out of who you really are.
I’ll start with prophecy and go in the order listed in Romans 12:4-8.
Prophecy
The driving force of a prophet is to proclaim the truth for the purpose of motivating people to right living. Peter is a Biblical example of the gift of prophecy.
Characteristics of the prophet:
Strong need to express themselves verbally.
Rise up at an injustice, perceived or actual.
Strong sense of discernment. Can sense the character and motivation of others.
Deeply commitment to the Word of God.
Want to correct a wrong because prophets see future consequences and don’t want people to suffer when change could prevent unnecessary pain.
Not concerned with feelings, but with truth.
Wholehearted involvement. Prophets do their best to get the job done.
Little patience with indecision.
Open to correction.
Loyalty is very important.
Willing to suffer, to take a stand for what is right no matter the cost.
Very persuasive.
Know what they believe.
Speak the truth strongly because they love deeply.
Walking in the Spirit
Obedient
Sincere
Moral
Bold
Forgiving
Persuasive
Walking in the flesh
Deceptive
Willfully rebellious
Hypocrite
Sensuous, impure
Fearful
Rejection
Contentious, angry
Service
Those with the gift of service are driven to meet practical needs. Timothy is a Biblical example of this gift. 1 Timothy 5:23
Characteristics:
Give of self to help others.
Very alert to people’s likes and dislikes.
Strong desire to be with other people.
Strong need for approval and appreciation.
Wants to meet needs quickly without red tape.
Likes short term goals.
Tendency to feel inadequate and unqualified for position of spiritual leadership.
Walking in the Spirit
Alertness
Hospitable
Generous
Joyful
Flexible
Available
Endurance
Walking in the flesh
Unconscious of need
Lonely
Stingy
Self-pity
Resistant
Self-centered
Defeatist attitude
Teaching
Teachers are driven to systematically present the truth. Luke is a Biblical example of this gift.
Characteristics:
Orderly, exact, lead in an understandable way.
Very interested in details.
Strong desire for knowledge, truth.
Very thorough.
Emphasize the importance of words.
Strong need to validate information and confirm accuracy.
Asks lots of questions.
Loves to learn.
Checks out teacher qualifications~ who they are and where they learned their information.
Great frustration when questions are not answered completely.
Strong need to understand why.
Alert to practical details.
Walking in the Spirit
Self-controlled
Reverent
Diligent
Thoroughness
Dependable
Secure
Patient
Walking in the flesh
Self-indulgence
Disrespectful
Slothful
Incomplete
Inconsistent
Anxious
Restless
Exhortation
People with the gift of exhortation or encouragement are driven to see others reach full spiritual maturity in Christ. Paul is a Biblical example of this gift. Colossians 1:28
Characteristics:
Able to visualize what God can do in someone’s life.
Strong desire to help people see the root problems in their lives.
Likes to prescribe steps of action to deal with an issue.
Desire to encourage.
Willingness to share personal examples to help people grow.
Welcomes opportunities to learn and grow.
Willingness to watch others suffer so that they’ll grow.
Prefers face-to-face discussion to insure a positive response.
Desires to gain spiritual insight through personal experience.
Always looking at future consequences.
Strong desire to see harmony, people growing together.
Walking in the Spirit
Wisdom
Spiritual discernment
Trusting
Discretion
Loving
Creative
Enthusiastic
Walking in the flesh
Carnality
Judgmental
Presumptuous
Simplemindedness
Selfish
Underachiever
Apathy
Well, that’s all my tired hands can type tonight! ;-) I’ll try and get the last three gifts posted soon. If you’re interested in an online spiritual gifts inventory, a decent one can be found at www.elmertowns.com
My hope and prayer is that you’ll see yourself somewhere in this information. And in learning about your gift, that you’ll allow the Lord to reveal more of the wonderful, multifaceted treasure He created you to be!
Walking in the Spirit with the knowledge of who God is and who He created us to be is powerful. That’s what walking in the light is all about…
And it’s beautiful to see!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Disruptive Grace
"What does it mean to love, forgive, and do good to someone who has hurt you?" That's a poignant question in light of all the Lord has had me walk through recently. It comes from a book entitled Bold Love by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman. An amazing book that the Lord has been using throughout the two years it's taken me to read it. It’s so full of truth I’ve needed time to digest it~ bit by tiny bit. I’ve been amazed by how perfect God’s timing has been with when I read each section of this book. Proof positive that God really is involved in the little details of life!
Here’s an interesting “formula of sorts” that explains what it means to love boldly:
“Hungering for restoration+ revoking revenge+ pursuing goodness= forgiveness that invites repentance and the opportunity for reconciliation.”
As I’ve walked through some painful places in my ten-year marriage, none were as hard as looking in my own mirror and realizing how poorly I’ve loved. I’ve spent a lot of time having no desire for restoration and used revenge in the form of angry words and icy silence to punish when I’ve been hurt. Anger has been my protection and my comforter for a good part of my life.
But in the desert I’m walking through, I’ve seen anger for what it really is. A heavy bundle that only weakens my back for the journey. Instead of providing protection, anger insulates. It chokes the desire for restoration and in so doing deadens any hope. All the time I thought I was being kept safe by using anger I was, in truth, separating myself from healing and the life-giving forgiveness that only comes from the cross.
As I’m learning to let go of repayment for an offense, I’m more able to see what love truly is. There are a few quotes from Bold Love that say so perfectly what God is making real in my heart.
“Love may pardon an offense, but it does not ignore the ugliness and arrogance that blights beauty.”
“Love must be an intrusion of a good gift of word or deed that makes the greatest demand of life: Follow Christ and serve Him with your whole heart, soul, strength, and mind.”
“Bold love is the tenacious, irrepressible energy to do good in order to surprise and conquer evil.”
Love is not a weak emotion. It has more to do with calling people out of hiding and into Christ than the warm fuzzies we associate with it.
It’s hard.
Very hard.
In my own experience this has best been done when I refuse to allow anger to control me. Instead, I address the person who’s hurt me with a love that says “I want to have a relationship with you, but we have to deal with your sin.” I spare no words in calling sin, sin. (mine or anyone else’s) At the same time, I’m learning to do so with a heart that desires change for the other person’s good. And ultimately for God’s glory.
Love draws people to life while at the same time warning them of death. An example that comes to mind is a conversation, actually many conversations, where my best friend has allowed me to spout off about a hurt I’ve received. She will listen, sympathize, and sometimes offer direction. But if I begin to badmouth the person who’s hurt me she will stop me short and say with powerful love, “You are sinning. I love you and I care that your heart is hurt. But it will not help you or honor God if you keep going down this path.”
The first time she said those words I about blew a fuse. I’m hurt and she’s pointing out my sin? Yep. That’s love. She loved me enough to point me to God and warm me of what would destroy me.
How do I do the same? Especially when I’ve been hurt badly. How do I love the person that feels at that moment like an enemy?
Bold Love defines an enemy this way: “An enemy is anyone who intentionally or unwittingly harms you for their gain.” I’ve been an enemy to those closest to me when I’ve tried to manage life without depending on God. I didn’t hurt them on purpose, but nevertheless I did hurt them because “my way” is all about me and not pointing anyone to God.
It helps to realize I’ve been an enemy when I consider loving someone who’s acting like an enemy to me. But it doesn’t quite answer the “how to” of this call to bold love.
I believe the best place to look for that answer is in the Word…
Romans 12:20 says, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Now the goal here is not revenge. It’s not to inflict pain, but to offer what the enemy really needs. In giving what’s needed there may well be pain, but it’s a redemptive pain. Like that of wrestling a sick child to get the necessary medicine down his or her throat. The purpose is to give what is good. To love. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
The way to love an enemy is through disruptive grace. Not giving an enemy what is expected (retaliation, anger, cowering to his or her demands) but giving the enemy what is needed to point them to God.
Disruptive grace is not an “I forgive you, let’s move on.” It’s an honest presentation of the problem, consequences, and a clear choice of what’s next. Like Nathan’s confrontation of King David in 2 Samuel 12. The prophet exposed David’s sin and left the king with a clear choice—get right with God or don’t. Either way the consequences were severe.
In the same way disruptive grace exposes the sin in our own hearts so that we have a clear choice—get on our face before God or don’t. If we will allow the Lord to purify and renew us, then we can be the holy tools God uses to extend His disruptive grace to those we love.
This grace longs for freedom and for both people in the relationship to know God and be changed for incredible good. It refuses to ignore the sin, but it confronts it with cleaver goodness—giving what is most needed. Kindness without compliance or minimizing the sin. Strength coupled with tenderness. These combinations only come when we are walking in God’s light and listening carefully to Him.
From Bold Love: “Goodness surprises evil because it does not fight according to the principles of brute force, power, intimidation, and shame. It is creative and unpredictable, and can be powerfully overwhelming to an enemy whose victory depends on using his skill to play the same game over and over again.”
Where do we start to learn this different way of relating?
Pray for wisdom. James 1:5 “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”
“We are to pray to the Father to act on behalf of our enemies; we are to pray for God to work in our enemies’ lives, to restrain evil, to deepen consciousness of harm, to destroy their arrogance so that life and grace might flourish. We are equally to pray for wisdom and all that blocks the development of wisdom in our life.”
“Prayer is the best way to invite God to use us and to teach us what it means to love boldly.”
Give good words. Speak words of truth that will guide an enemy to God. Be honest about your hurt and the consequences of their behavior.
“Our words of blessing are meant to arouse legitimate longing, expose emptiness, and deflate the enemy’s attempts to shame or intimidate. Blessing should be designed to open the heart of an enemy to astonishment and curiosity.”
Do good deeds.
“No matter how powerful, clever, and penetrating words are, they are never enough.”
My own experience in applying what I’ve learned in Bold Love has taken many forms. It’s included boundaries in a relationship that cut off contact until the enemy was ready to deal honestly with their heart. When I did that I was clear on my motive (to restore the relationship) and kind with my words (by God's amazing grace and control of the Holy Spirit.) Meaning I didn’t slam them, but I was honest about the reason for the no contact request. Loving boldly has also included welcoming that person back into my heart, one small step at a time.
Love is hard. It’s messy. And it doesn’t always feel like love. Often it feels more like the cross. But that’s the most perfect picture of love there is.
Even though I have a long way to go, my hope and prayer is that, as I grow closer to Christ, I’ll learn more and more how to love well.
To love boldly.
Will you join me?
John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Here’s an interesting “formula of sorts” that explains what it means to love boldly:
“Hungering for restoration+ revoking revenge+ pursuing goodness= forgiveness that invites repentance and the opportunity for reconciliation.”
As I’ve walked through some painful places in my ten-year marriage, none were as hard as looking in my own mirror and realizing how poorly I’ve loved. I’ve spent a lot of time having no desire for restoration and used revenge in the form of angry words and icy silence to punish when I’ve been hurt. Anger has been my protection and my comforter for a good part of my life.
But in the desert I’m walking through, I’ve seen anger for what it really is. A heavy bundle that only weakens my back for the journey. Instead of providing protection, anger insulates. It chokes the desire for restoration and in so doing deadens any hope. All the time I thought I was being kept safe by using anger I was, in truth, separating myself from healing and the life-giving forgiveness that only comes from the cross.
As I’m learning to let go of repayment for an offense, I’m more able to see what love truly is. There are a few quotes from Bold Love that say so perfectly what God is making real in my heart.
“Love may pardon an offense, but it does not ignore the ugliness and arrogance that blights beauty.”
“Love must be an intrusion of a good gift of word or deed that makes the greatest demand of life: Follow Christ and serve Him with your whole heart, soul, strength, and mind.”
“Bold love is the tenacious, irrepressible energy to do good in order to surprise and conquer evil.”
Love is not a weak emotion. It has more to do with calling people out of hiding and into Christ than the warm fuzzies we associate with it.
It’s hard.
Very hard.
In my own experience this has best been done when I refuse to allow anger to control me. Instead, I address the person who’s hurt me with a love that says “I want to have a relationship with you, but we have to deal with your sin.” I spare no words in calling sin, sin. (mine or anyone else’s) At the same time, I’m learning to do so with a heart that desires change for the other person’s good. And ultimately for God’s glory.
Love draws people to life while at the same time warning them of death. An example that comes to mind is a conversation, actually many conversations, where my best friend has allowed me to spout off about a hurt I’ve received. She will listen, sympathize, and sometimes offer direction. But if I begin to badmouth the person who’s hurt me she will stop me short and say with powerful love, “You are sinning. I love you and I care that your heart is hurt. But it will not help you or honor God if you keep going down this path.”
The first time she said those words I about blew a fuse. I’m hurt and she’s pointing out my sin? Yep. That’s love. She loved me enough to point me to God and warm me of what would destroy me.
How do I do the same? Especially when I’ve been hurt badly. How do I love the person that feels at that moment like an enemy?
Bold Love defines an enemy this way: “An enemy is anyone who intentionally or unwittingly harms you for their gain.” I’ve been an enemy to those closest to me when I’ve tried to manage life without depending on God. I didn’t hurt them on purpose, but nevertheless I did hurt them because “my way” is all about me and not pointing anyone to God.
It helps to realize I’ve been an enemy when I consider loving someone who’s acting like an enemy to me. But it doesn’t quite answer the “how to” of this call to bold love.
I believe the best place to look for that answer is in the Word…
Romans 12:20 says, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
Now the goal here is not revenge. It’s not to inflict pain, but to offer what the enemy really needs. In giving what’s needed there may well be pain, but it’s a redemptive pain. Like that of wrestling a sick child to get the necessary medicine down his or her throat. The purpose is to give what is good. To love. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
The way to love an enemy is through disruptive grace. Not giving an enemy what is expected (retaliation, anger, cowering to his or her demands) but giving the enemy what is needed to point them to God.
Disruptive grace is not an “I forgive you, let’s move on.” It’s an honest presentation of the problem, consequences, and a clear choice of what’s next. Like Nathan’s confrontation of King David in 2 Samuel 12. The prophet exposed David’s sin and left the king with a clear choice—get right with God or don’t. Either way the consequences were severe.
In the same way disruptive grace exposes the sin in our own hearts so that we have a clear choice—get on our face before God or don’t. If we will allow the Lord to purify and renew us, then we can be the holy tools God uses to extend His disruptive grace to those we love.
This grace longs for freedom and for both people in the relationship to know God and be changed for incredible good. It refuses to ignore the sin, but it confronts it with cleaver goodness—giving what is most needed. Kindness without compliance or minimizing the sin. Strength coupled with tenderness. These combinations only come when we are walking in God’s light and listening carefully to Him.
From Bold Love: “Goodness surprises evil because it does not fight according to the principles of brute force, power, intimidation, and shame. It is creative and unpredictable, and can be powerfully overwhelming to an enemy whose victory depends on using his skill to play the same game over and over again.”
Where do we start to learn this different way of relating?
Pray for wisdom. James 1:5 “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”
“We are to pray to the Father to act on behalf of our enemies; we are to pray for God to work in our enemies’ lives, to restrain evil, to deepen consciousness of harm, to destroy their arrogance so that life and grace might flourish. We are equally to pray for wisdom and all that blocks the development of wisdom in our life.”
“Prayer is the best way to invite God to use us and to teach us what it means to love boldly.”
Give good words. Speak words of truth that will guide an enemy to God. Be honest about your hurt and the consequences of their behavior.
“Our words of blessing are meant to arouse legitimate longing, expose emptiness, and deflate the enemy’s attempts to shame or intimidate. Blessing should be designed to open the heart of an enemy to astonishment and curiosity.”
Do good deeds.
“No matter how powerful, clever, and penetrating words are, they are never enough.”
My own experience in applying what I’ve learned in Bold Love has taken many forms. It’s included boundaries in a relationship that cut off contact until the enemy was ready to deal honestly with their heart. When I did that I was clear on my motive (to restore the relationship) and kind with my words (by God's amazing grace and control of the Holy Spirit.) Meaning I didn’t slam them, but I was honest about the reason for the no contact request. Loving boldly has also included welcoming that person back into my heart, one small step at a time.
Love is hard. It’s messy. And it doesn’t always feel like love. Often it feels more like the cross. But that’s the most perfect picture of love there is.
Even though I have a long way to go, my hope and prayer is that, as I grow closer to Christ, I’ll learn more and more how to love well.
To love boldly.
Will you join me?
John 13:34-35 "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Women of Worth
When you wrestle with God as a woman, be prepared. He doesn’t touch your hip; He touches your heart. The torrent that flowed from my heart last night was beyond anything I expected.
In atypical fashion I spent the first hour or so with God trying to avoid the issue all together. Sort of like my oldest when she’s up well past her bedtime. It goes something like this:
Me, “What are you doing out of your room at ten o’clock at night?”
My oldest, “Mommy, I just wanted you to know I think you’re the best mommy in the whole world. Can I tell you about this book I read?”
Needless to say, my little sweetheart is pointed right back to her bed and told to get some sleep. Books can be discussed another time.
Not God. He didn't tell me to head to bed. He waited. And listened. And waited some more. After a solid hour, I was tired and wanted to quit. But there were some awesome people praying for me and I’m sure their prayers kept my feet to the fire just long enough to get my heart ready to hear. (THANK YOU!)
And hear I did.
First, God started with some memories I would have rather forgotten. Scenes of a serious college relationship played through my mind. One in which I killed my heart for a little affection. I spent two years of my life trying to look good enough to compete with my boyfriend’s computer pinups. I lost. I also thought about how in arguments I yelled loud and used horrible biting words. My sharp tongue was the only thing this guy ever respected about me. But in gaining his respect, I lost my own. I gave away my heart and body. Only to have them both thrown back and stamped with the words, “not good enough.”
I’d talked to God about this relationship before. But it never dawned on me that this guy’s reaction to my anger~ respect when he respected nothing else of me~ would have been used so strongly by the enemy to write so much on my heart.
So lie by lie God revealed my sin, my shame, my foolish choices in living by the lies~ then and now. I so wanted this guy to just see me, love me, make me feel beautiful. Instead I was ignored, used, and thrown away like trash. Among many lies I believed, the one that stuck deepest was, “I’m worthless.”
God held me while I cried. And cried. And cried.
Between sobs, I shared with God a long-standing dream of mine. One in which I’d stand before a crowd of women and say, “If I could look deep into each one of your eyes, I know I would see something few of you ever notice when you look in the bathroom mirror.” I would talk about how we look at our reflection and judge so harshly our size and shape and wrinkles. But we forget the One who sees the depth of our souls in all their mess and glory. I’d tell the women, “What we most often miss in that mirror is this—God’s smile. And His loving words, ‘You, My child, are a woman of great worth.’”
I cried even more after that. “But I'll never be able to speak like that. Because no one sees that I’m a woman of worth, Lord. No one sees me!”
Then God whispered, “I do.”
When my husband spoke those simple words on our wedding day they curled my toes and made my heart skip in anticipation. And here was the God of the universe stooping down to whisper those same words to my heart.
"I do, Amy. I see you."
In that simple declaration I found my worth. I found the faith to believe it too. And the courage to make my own declaration, one that echoes the Psalmists words: “Because I am a woman of great worth in the eyes of my God, I resolve that my mouth will not sin. I will be who I am and speak accordingly.”
This morning, I opened two familiar books, The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Parent. Where the pages were bookmarked, I read these words:
“May Your Spirit of love reign in the words I speak.”
“Let the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord.”
In Praying Parent:
“A heart filled with the Holy Spirit and the truth of the Word of God will produce godly speech that brings life to the speaker as well as the listener.”
“Enable us to speak words of hope and life and to resolve that our mouths will not sin.”
These are words I’ve read and prayed for over four years now. But not until I dealt with the lies filling my heart, was I able to say them with confidence and pray them with power.
Lest I fail to be 100% honest, I’ve already stumbled a number of times. But instead of heaping guilt on my head for messing up with my mouth, I remembered. “I’m a woman of great worth.” Those words I said in frustration are not who I am nor how I want to act. So I confessed to God and to my girls and received their forgiveness.
My declaration still stands, “I’m a woman of great worth in the eyes of my God, and I resolve that my mouth will not sin.” No matter how many times I stumble, I resolve to look up and remember who I am.
As I do that, I feel my heart and my mouth being cleansed. I’m also beginning to see a clearer picture in my mirror.
What do you see your mirror?
Look closely.
God is smiling. His arms are open wide.
Listen closely. Hear His loving voice...
“You, My child, are a woman of great worth.”
In atypical fashion I spent the first hour or so with God trying to avoid the issue all together. Sort of like my oldest when she’s up well past her bedtime. It goes something like this:
Me, “What are you doing out of your room at ten o’clock at night?”
My oldest, “Mommy, I just wanted you to know I think you’re the best mommy in the whole world. Can I tell you about this book I read?”
Needless to say, my little sweetheart is pointed right back to her bed and told to get some sleep. Books can be discussed another time.
Not God. He didn't tell me to head to bed. He waited. And listened. And waited some more. After a solid hour, I was tired and wanted to quit. But there were some awesome people praying for me and I’m sure their prayers kept my feet to the fire just long enough to get my heart ready to hear. (THANK YOU!)
And hear I did.
First, God started with some memories I would have rather forgotten. Scenes of a serious college relationship played through my mind. One in which I killed my heart for a little affection. I spent two years of my life trying to look good enough to compete with my boyfriend’s computer pinups. I lost. I also thought about how in arguments I yelled loud and used horrible biting words. My sharp tongue was the only thing this guy ever respected about me. But in gaining his respect, I lost my own. I gave away my heart and body. Only to have them both thrown back and stamped with the words, “not good enough.”
I’d talked to God about this relationship before. But it never dawned on me that this guy’s reaction to my anger~ respect when he respected nothing else of me~ would have been used so strongly by the enemy to write so much on my heart.
So lie by lie God revealed my sin, my shame, my foolish choices in living by the lies~ then and now. I so wanted this guy to just see me, love me, make me feel beautiful. Instead I was ignored, used, and thrown away like trash. Among many lies I believed, the one that stuck deepest was, “I’m worthless.”
God held me while I cried. And cried. And cried.
Between sobs, I shared with God a long-standing dream of mine. One in which I’d stand before a crowd of women and say, “If I could look deep into each one of your eyes, I know I would see something few of you ever notice when you look in the bathroom mirror.” I would talk about how we look at our reflection and judge so harshly our size and shape and wrinkles. But we forget the One who sees the depth of our souls in all their mess and glory. I’d tell the women, “What we most often miss in that mirror is this—God’s smile. And His loving words, ‘You, My child, are a woman of great worth.’”
I cried even more after that. “But I'll never be able to speak like that. Because no one sees that I’m a woman of worth, Lord. No one sees me!”
Then God whispered, “I do.”
When my husband spoke those simple words on our wedding day they curled my toes and made my heart skip in anticipation. And here was the God of the universe stooping down to whisper those same words to my heart.
"I do, Amy. I see you."
In that simple declaration I found my worth. I found the faith to believe it too. And the courage to make my own declaration, one that echoes the Psalmists words: “Because I am a woman of great worth in the eyes of my God, I resolve that my mouth will not sin. I will be who I am and speak accordingly.”
This morning, I opened two familiar books, The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Parent. Where the pages were bookmarked, I read these words:
“May Your Spirit of love reign in the words I speak.”
“Let the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord.”
In Praying Parent:
“A heart filled with the Holy Spirit and the truth of the Word of God will produce godly speech that brings life to the speaker as well as the listener.”
“Enable us to speak words of hope and life and to resolve that our mouths will not sin.”
These are words I’ve read and prayed for over four years now. But not until I dealt with the lies filling my heart, was I able to say them with confidence and pray them with power.
Lest I fail to be 100% honest, I’ve already stumbled a number of times. But instead of heaping guilt on my head for messing up with my mouth, I remembered. “I’m a woman of great worth.” Those words I said in frustration are not who I am nor how I want to act. So I confessed to God and to my girls and received their forgiveness.
My declaration still stands, “I’m a woman of great worth in the eyes of my God, and I resolve that my mouth will not sin.” No matter how many times I stumble, I resolve to look up and remember who I am.
As I do that, I feel my heart and my mouth being cleansed. I’m also beginning to see a clearer picture in my mirror.
What do you see your mirror?
Look closely.
God is smiling. His arms are open wide.
Listen closely. Hear His loving voice...
“You, My child, are a woman of great worth.”
Monday, August 01, 2005
Mouth Messes
Have you ever known without a shadow of a doubt that God is hard at work with His painful pruning sheers? I do. In a big way.
First it was a walk in the desert. I'm still covered in sand and experiencing the burning heat of intense refining. All the way up to my eyeballs. And it isn't fun... not one little bit.
But even in the pain, it's good. God is at work.
Then God turned His spotlight on my issues with weight.
This weekend He added yet another area, my mouth. And He’s showing me how they’re all interrelated. Everything I’m experiencing can be wrapped up in one intense struggle, one question~ Am I valuable because of what I do (or say or how I look) or because of who I am?
Right now I’m wrestling this out with God. He’s winning.
At the same time, I’m still fighting Him. Still believing the lies. By the time I got to bed last night I was worn out by this struggle. I felt like a worthless failure in every facet of life. My marriage, parenting, writing, ministry, and especially the words that shouldn’t come out of my mouth but do.
In my reading earlier, I’d come across a scripture in Job 31 about making a covenant with your eyes not to look lustfully. I didn’t see how that applied to me, but God kept it on my mind. Before I fell asleep I understood why.
Job walked in integrity before God. He made a definite decision that he would not sin with his eyes and said so before God. That’s serious business. While I may not struggle with my eyes, I so struggle with my mouth. I say things with angry, bitter words instead of staying quiet and letting God speak to the pain.
Last night I hit an all-time low. And it rocked me to the core. I saw how I was letting the enemy’s lies about my worth fan the flame of my words. James 3:6 says, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
I didn’t keep a reign on my words last night. I didn’t even try to. And the damage it did to my heart and that of the person receiving my words attests to the scorching world of evil an unsubmitted tongue can bring.
All I could do before I went to bed was cry out like Martin Luther did in the excellent movie about his life, “Jesus, I’m Yours. Save me! Jesus, I’m Yours. Save me!!!”
This morning, God brought Psalm 17:3-4 before my eyes. What jumped out at me were these words: “I have resolved that my mouth will not sin… by the word of your lips…” David also cried out to God in prayer saying in Psalm 19, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”
I’d like to say I have made that covenant with my mouth, but I haven’t. Yet. Tonight, after my girls are asleep, I’m returning to the wrestling mat with God, praying He doesn’t have to dislocate my hip like Jacob’s before I receive His truth. I know in my head I’m valuable because I am His, but I need that in my heart. I need to hear His truth about me and make the hard choice to believe it. Then bow before Him and resolve that my mouth will not sin. Like David, I will live up to that vow only in the strength God supplies and only by keeping His Words before my eyes and ears.
Pray for me. Pray I’ll have ears to hear. And a mouth that honors God.
First it was a walk in the desert. I'm still covered in sand and experiencing the burning heat of intense refining. All the way up to my eyeballs. And it isn't fun... not one little bit.
But even in the pain, it's good. God is at work.
Then God turned His spotlight on my issues with weight.
This weekend He added yet another area, my mouth. And He’s showing me how they’re all interrelated. Everything I’m experiencing can be wrapped up in one intense struggle, one question~ Am I valuable because of what I do (or say or how I look) or because of who I am?
Right now I’m wrestling this out with God. He’s winning.
At the same time, I’m still fighting Him. Still believing the lies. By the time I got to bed last night I was worn out by this struggle. I felt like a worthless failure in every facet of life. My marriage, parenting, writing, ministry, and especially the words that shouldn’t come out of my mouth but do.
In my reading earlier, I’d come across a scripture in Job 31 about making a covenant with your eyes not to look lustfully. I didn’t see how that applied to me, but God kept it on my mind. Before I fell asleep I understood why.
Job walked in integrity before God. He made a definite decision that he would not sin with his eyes and said so before God. That’s serious business. While I may not struggle with my eyes, I so struggle with my mouth. I say things with angry, bitter words instead of staying quiet and letting God speak to the pain.
Last night I hit an all-time low. And it rocked me to the core. I saw how I was letting the enemy’s lies about my worth fan the flame of my words. James 3:6 says, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”
I didn’t keep a reign on my words last night. I didn’t even try to. And the damage it did to my heart and that of the person receiving my words attests to the scorching world of evil an unsubmitted tongue can bring.
All I could do before I went to bed was cry out like Martin Luther did in the excellent movie about his life, “Jesus, I’m Yours. Save me! Jesus, I’m Yours. Save me!!!”
This morning, God brought Psalm 17:3-4 before my eyes. What jumped out at me were these words: “I have resolved that my mouth will not sin… by the word of your lips…” David also cried out to God in prayer saying in Psalm 19, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”
I’d like to say I have made that covenant with my mouth, but I haven’t. Yet. Tonight, after my girls are asleep, I’m returning to the wrestling mat with God, praying He doesn’t have to dislocate my hip like Jacob’s before I receive His truth. I know in my head I’m valuable because I am His, but I need that in my heart. I need to hear His truth about me and make the hard choice to believe it. Then bow before Him and resolve that my mouth will not sin. Like David, I will live up to that vow only in the strength God supplies and only by keeping His Words before my eyes and ears.
Pray for me. Pray I’ll have ears to hear. And a mouth that honors God.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
All Grown Up
Yesterday, my five year old came rushing in the kitchen with a big smile on her face. "Mommy, I feel all grown up now!"
"Why?"
She waved me into the front hallway and stood by the mirrored closet. "Because I look in the mirror before I go out~ just like you." She proceeded to turn around and inspect the appearance of her backside.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Laugh because she was so proud to be like me. Or cry because she’s already picked up on the subtle (or not so subtle) clues that I don’t like the mirror’s reflection.
After three babies my body looks more like cottage cheese with a droopy cover than the exercise gurus I mistakenly think I can look like if I just try hard enough. Some days I have a little breakthrough and realize I look okay. Those are usually times when I stay home and avoid the mirror. Other days, when I go out and see flat-tummied mommies with three or more kiddos, my mirror and I don’t get along. At all.
Why is that? Why is it most women are trying to either lose weight or “tone up” what looks just fine? My best friend says the same about me. I disagree. I see where I can stand to lose thirty pounds. Wish it were as easy as simply working out, and ta-da… I lose weight.
It isn’t.
I’ve tried.
More than half my life.
I truly want to be comfortable in my own skin. I just don’t like there being so much extra of it. There are days I believe God is thwarting my weight loss just so I’ll chose by faith to believe what He says about me.
“The King is enthralled with your beauty” (Psalm 45:11)
“He rejoices over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17)
There are days I do go there. But far too many more I look around the Mall or the magazines at the checkout counter and wish I could look like what I see. Then I start to think, “If all I ate was a salad for dinner, I could look like that.”
Every time I’ve tried, I was so cross my daughters plied me with compliments and said, “Mommy, you don’t have to lose weight at all. We like you just like you are!”
Wish I did.
Maybe the sheer fact that I’m fighting the world’s view (even if I’m losing the mental battle most days) shows a tiny step of maturity on my part. That and canning those workouts from the dark side where I feel a trip to the ER is in order after I’m done.
But I think there’s more to this longing to be beautiful than a size 2 dress or six-pack abs. What if outer "perfection" is just the bill of goods the enemy has sold us as the only way to find validation? To know we matter, that we make a difference, that we’re worth something we have to be a “perfect ten.”
So we rank each other at parties or on Sunday mornings. If we look better than most, we’re okay. If not, we’re depressed. Or we let male attention be our measuring rod.
I’ve lived long enough to know neither standard works. So what’s the answer? How do we get comfortable in our own skin? How do we accept in our hearts, and not just our words, that our beauty doesn’t come from the outside, but it’s our “inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.”? (1 Peter 3:2-4)
I think the answer is simple, but not easy.
It starts with asking God what lies we’ve bought into and why we’re letting them determine what we see in the mirror. For me it’s a painful journey back to fifth grade where I ballooned out when my classmates shot up. I remember vividly my mother and grandmother’s terse comments about how I needed to exercise more. I knew I wasn’t acceptable the way I looked and felt totally helpless to change.
And I’ve spent fifteen years trying to perfect that fat faced fifth grader. But it hasn’t worked. My fifth grade pictures remain unchanged.
Maybe being “all grown up” has more to do with looking into God’s final word on our worth than working hard to achieve a “perfect” reflection in the mirror.
My mom and grandma didn’t and don’t have the authority to say I’m not acceptable. Truth be told, they never said those words. But I felt them. Maybe my ten-year-old reasoning was off target. It could be that they saw my chubby cheeks as an indictment on their worth and a painful reminder that someone said they didn’t measure up either. Maybe it really wasn’t about me at all.
Could it be that TV, magazines, and Hollywood don’t have that authority either? That the only One who can speak truth about my beauty is God? And His Word has already spoken… He’s enthralled with my beauty. Your beauty. The beauty He gave us. Beauty that shines from our eyes and our smiles and invites people to relax, to know they’re beautiful too. Of great worth in God’s sight.
That’s what true beauty does. It invites. It welcomes others into the presence of God. To rest in the fact that they are beautiful, they are loved—not for outside perfection, which is fleeting—but for who they are.
Daddy, help us to see with Your eyes. Help us to grow up unto Christ and believe the truth. You have made us. You rejoice over us. The breathtaking beauty of a dazzling sunset doesn’t hold a candle to Your light and life shining through the unique people You created us to be. Please help us see our beauty, and in so doing reveal Yours.
Maybe one day soon my five year old will announce she feels all grown up and run over to the dining room table instead of the mirror. “Look, Mommy! I’m all grown up~ just like you!”
Then she’ll pull out our family Bible and smile.
"Why?"
She waved me into the front hallway and stood by the mirrored closet. "Because I look in the mirror before I go out~ just like you." She proceeded to turn around and inspect the appearance of her backside.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Laugh because she was so proud to be like me. Or cry because she’s already picked up on the subtle (or not so subtle) clues that I don’t like the mirror’s reflection.
After three babies my body looks more like cottage cheese with a droopy cover than the exercise gurus I mistakenly think I can look like if I just try hard enough. Some days I have a little breakthrough and realize I look okay. Those are usually times when I stay home and avoid the mirror. Other days, when I go out and see flat-tummied mommies with three or more kiddos, my mirror and I don’t get along. At all.
Why is that? Why is it most women are trying to either lose weight or “tone up” what looks just fine? My best friend says the same about me. I disagree. I see where I can stand to lose thirty pounds. Wish it were as easy as simply working out, and ta-da… I lose weight.
It isn’t.
I’ve tried.
More than half my life.
I truly want to be comfortable in my own skin. I just don’t like there being so much extra of it. There are days I believe God is thwarting my weight loss just so I’ll chose by faith to believe what He says about me.
“The King is enthralled with your beauty” (Psalm 45:11)
“He rejoices over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17)
There are days I do go there. But far too many more I look around the Mall or the magazines at the checkout counter and wish I could look like what I see. Then I start to think, “If all I ate was a salad for dinner, I could look like that.”
Every time I’ve tried, I was so cross my daughters plied me with compliments and said, “Mommy, you don’t have to lose weight at all. We like you just like you are!”
Wish I did.
Maybe the sheer fact that I’m fighting the world’s view (even if I’m losing the mental battle most days) shows a tiny step of maturity on my part. That and canning those workouts from the dark side where I feel a trip to the ER is in order after I’m done.
But I think there’s more to this longing to be beautiful than a size 2 dress or six-pack abs. What if outer "perfection" is just the bill of goods the enemy has sold us as the only way to find validation? To know we matter, that we make a difference, that we’re worth something we have to be a “perfect ten.”
So we rank each other at parties or on Sunday mornings. If we look better than most, we’re okay. If not, we’re depressed. Or we let male attention be our measuring rod.
I’ve lived long enough to know neither standard works. So what’s the answer? How do we get comfortable in our own skin? How do we accept in our hearts, and not just our words, that our beauty doesn’t come from the outside, but it’s our “inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.”? (1 Peter 3:2-4)
I think the answer is simple, but not easy.
It starts with asking God what lies we’ve bought into and why we’re letting them determine what we see in the mirror. For me it’s a painful journey back to fifth grade where I ballooned out when my classmates shot up. I remember vividly my mother and grandmother’s terse comments about how I needed to exercise more. I knew I wasn’t acceptable the way I looked and felt totally helpless to change.
And I’ve spent fifteen years trying to perfect that fat faced fifth grader. But it hasn’t worked. My fifth grade pictures remain unchanged.
Maybe being “all grown up” has more to do with looking into God’s final word on our worth than working hard to achieve a “perfect” reflection in the mirror.
My mom and grandma didn’t and don’t have the authority to say I’m not acceptable. Truth be told, they never said those words. But I felt them. Maybe my ten-year-old reasoning was off target. It could be that they saw my chubby cheeks as an indictment on their worth and a painful reminder that someone said they didn’t measure up either. Maybe it really wasn’t about me at all.
Could it be that TV, magazines, and Hollywood don’t have that authority either? That the only One who can speak truth about my beauty is God? And His Word has already spoken… He’s enthralled with my beauty. Your beauty. The beauty He gave us. Beauty that shines from our eyes and our smiles and invites people to relax, to know they’re beautiful too. Of great worth in God’s sight.
That’s what true beauty does. It invites. It welcomes others into the presence of God. To rest in the fact that they are beautiful, they are loved—not for outside perfection, which is fleeting—but for who they are.
Daddy, help us to see with Your eyes. Help us to grow up unto Christ and believe the truth. You have made us. You rejoice over us. The breathtaking beauty of a dazzling sunset doesn’t hold a candle to Your light and life shining through the unique people You created us to be. Please help us see our beauty, and in so doing reveal Yours.
Maybe one day soon my five year old will announce she feels all grown up and run over to the dining room table instead of the mirror. “Look, Mommy! I’m all grown up~ just like you!”
Then she’ll pull out our family Bible and smile.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Go and make disciples
Tonight was the last meeting of my youth discipleship group. My eyes are filled with tears even as my heart smiles. What started last year as a nudge from God became His hands and feet... and hug. God has drawn me to Himself through six young ladies and filled my heart with treasure.
Each treasure has a name~ April, Ari, Christin, Hannah, Kristen, Tiffany.
At our first meeting my daughters gave each of the youth a gift~ a beautiful card with words they prayed would show six girls they’d never met how much God loves them. My daughters drew each of the girls as princesses with a crown too. The pictures were beautiful. The girls even more so. (Remember: “The King is enthralled with your beauty!")
My daughters also gave them a gift bag with a small, framed print. Inside were these words:
April, Ari, Christin, Hannah, Kristen, Tiffany,
"You are my Beloved Princess. I love you~ Jesus"
After they opened their gifts, I asked them one question. "Why are you doing this Bible study?" I cautioned them to go beyond “Sunday school answers” and really think about what they hoped to get out of our time together.
As we talked that first night, one of the girls shared some deep details of her story to help one of the others. Her openness and vulnerability had all of us in tears. Her sacrificial act of loving kindness set the course for our whole time together. Her honesty invited each of us to do the same.
And we did.
We were real. We gave each other the gift of ourselves, with all the bumps, bruises, and warts. ;-) We shared our joys, our tears, and our stories. We talked about boys and beauty, hurts and healing, lies and love. We met God and experienced Him. Together.
I bugged them weekly with tough questions that challenged them to go deeper. They did. And heaven applauds.
Many nights I cried as I prayed for them and listened to their stories. Most evenings we were all in tears and no one wanted to leave. They trusted me with their hearts. And I will be forever grateful for that gift.
I am forever changed too.
During one of the most difficult times of my life, God sent me six precious princesses to show that He is good and He has good in store.
Through these girls I’ve seen what the Body of Christ was created to be. It’s beautiful.
My heart’s desire when I started teaching was to draw these girls to God. To make disciples.
What I see today is that they’ve done this for me.
My heart is full.
To my precious girls: THANK YOU! I love you dearly. You are a treasure.
Christin~ keep seeking. You are God’s moon, reflecting His incredible love and grace. God is pursuing you and He will continue to do so every day of your life. He is your Great Physician and I can see His beautiful work shining in your eyes, through your tears, in your prayers. I see Jesus’ beauty when I look at you.
Ari~ keep writing. In your journal, keep writing about what God is doing in your life. In your life, keep being God’s pen to write about His love in every life you touch.
Kristen~ keep searching. God is the One who meets every need, every longing of your heart. In His time. In Himself.
Tiffany~ keep going deep. Your heavenly Daddy’s hand is always extended in your direction. “Come.” You are beautiful. You are loved. Philippians 1:6
Happy Birthday Monday too! ;-) I’m praying for you.
April~ keep shining your life. You are a beautiful example of a heart surrendered to God. Listen to the voice of Jesus. He sings over you.
Hannah~ keep speaking the truth in love. You are His heart and His voice. A truth teller with deep compassion. You may not see that yet, but I do. Even more importantly, God does. He looks at you and smiles.
There is so much more I want to say…
April, Ari, Christin, Hannah, Kristen, Tiffany~ God’s eyes light up at the thought of you. You are His beautiful princesses. You are loved.
Go ye therefore and make disciples. Share your life. Teach the Truth.
In so doing, you will see…
God’s twinkling smile.
His amazing grace.
His passionate love.
Come to Him. And then go... make disciples... and be made even more like Him.
Each treasure has a name~ April, Ari, Christin, Hannah, Kristen, Tiffany.
At our first meeting my daughters gave each of the youth a gift~ a beautiful card with words they prayed would show six girls they’d never met how much God loves them. My daughters drew each of the girls as princesses with a crown too. The pictures were beautiful. The girls even more so. (Remember: “The King is enthralled with your beauty!")
My daughters also gave them a gift bag with a small, framed print. Inside were these words:
April, Ari, Christin, Hannah, Kristen, Tiffany,
"You are my Beloved Princess. I love you~ Jesus"
After they opened their gifts, I asked them one question. "Why are you doing this Bible study?" I cautioned them to go beyond “Sunday school answers” and really think about what they hoped to get out of our time together.
As we talked that first night, one of the girls shared some deep details of her story to help one of the others. Her openness and vulnerability had all of us in tears. Her sacrificial act of loving kindness set the course for our whole time together. Her honesty invited each of us to do the same.
And we did.
We were real. We gave each other the gift of ourselves, with all the bumps, bruises, and warts. ;-) We shared our joys, our tears, and our stories. We talked about boys and beauty, hurts and healing, lies and love. We met God and experienced Him. Together.
I bugged them weekly with tough questions that challenged them to go deeper. They did. And heaven applauds.
Many nights I cried as I prayed for them and listened to their stories. Most evenings we were all in tears and no one wanted to leave. They trusted me with their hearts. And I will be forever grateful for that gift.
I am forever changed too.
During one of the most difficult times of my life, God sent me six precious princesses to show that He is good and He has good in store.
Through these girls I’ve seen what the Body of Christ was created to be. It’s beautiful.
My heart’s desire when I started teaching was to draw these girls to God. To make disciples.
What I see today is that they’ve done this for me.
My heart is full.
To my precious girls: THANK YOU! I love you dearly. You are a treasure.
Christin~ keep seeking. You are God’s moon, reflecting His incredible love and grace. God is pursuing you and He will continue to do so every day of your life. He is your Great Physician and I can see His beautiful work shining in your eyes, through your tears, in your prayers. I see Jesus’ beauty when I look at you.
Ari~ keep writing. In your journal, keep writing about what God is doing in your life. In your life, keep being God’s pen to write about His love in every life you touch.
Kristen~ keep searching. God is the One who meets every need, every longing of your heart. In His time. In Himself.
Tiffany~ keep going deep. Your heavenly Daddy’s hand is always extended in your direction. “Come.” You are beautiful. You are loved. Philippians 1:6
Happy Birthday Monday too! ;-) I’m praying for you.
April~ keep shining your life. You are a beautiful example of a heart surrendered to God. Listen to the voice of Jesus. He sings over you.
Hannah~ keep speaking the truth in love. You are His heart and His voice. A truth teller with deep compassion. You may not see that yet, but I do. Even more importantly, God does. He looks at you and smiles.
There is so much more I want to say…
April, Ari, Christin, Hannah, Kristen, Tiffany~ God’s eyes light up at the thought of you. You are His beautiful princesses. You are loved.
Go ye therefore and make disciples. Share your life. Teach the Truth.
In so doing, you will see…
God’s twinkling smile.
His amazing grace.
His passionate love.
Come to Him. And then go... make disciples... and be made even more like Him.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Questions and Answers
Today I celebrate my middle princess~ it’s her fifth birthday!!! She is a light in our home and joy to my heart. My musical laughter. Early in her life I recognized the amazing gift God had given me in this precious bundle of energy—this little one who continues to teach me to laugh and hear the music of God’s heart through her. Her name means “God’s gracious poetic blessing.” And she is. She is. You should hear her laugh; it’s heavenly music to my soul.
Today I also celebrate something else. I celebrate freedom. All three of my girls have taught me how vital freedom is and how it’s worth the fight to experience it. Their hearts are worth fighting for my freedom from the enemy’s lies so that I can show them the path of life, the joy of walking intimately with the Lord. God has been doing an amazing work in my heart, bringing together much I’ve learned in the past to a huge crescendo of freedom. Of healing.
Where to start? I suppose a good place to begin is with a book God is using to revive my heart. The title is Captivating and it’s written by John and Stasi Eldredge.
The book and their ministry, called Ransomed Heart, are both worth checking into. Here’s a quote from their web site introduction:
“Life is a Story. This is true for every soul.
It is a love story, we assure you. But it is set in the midst of a life and death battle. That is why it seems so hard.
The story of your life is the story of the journey of your heart through a dangerous and beautiful world. It is the story of the long and sustained assault on your heart by the enemy who knows who you could be and fears you. But it is also the story of the long and mysterious pursuit of your heart by the God who knows you truly and loves you deeply.
As we live through the pages of this story many questions arise. Who am I…really? Where will I find life…really? And, What is it God wants from me? We know those questions well, for we have lived them ourselves. And we offer here something of the beautiful answers we have found.”
Please take some time to check out their site. It’s so worth the read.
I second their comment about knowing those questions well. Who am I? Why am I here? Do I make a difference? And as a woman, am I beautiful? Do you see me? Do I matter?
I, like Job, don’t get the whys of pain and suffering and I cry out to God for answers. I’ve also read the last few chapters of Job. Sometimes I wonder if putting my hand over my mouth is a better choice than demanding answers. ;-) God is God. He measured the depth of the sea and He knows the number of hairs on my head. Maybe I should just let Him run the universe and learn to trust He knows what’s best.
But the questions won’t go away, won’t be silenced. As I’m still on my desert journey, having all I’ve depended on stripped away, I’m starting to see how much I’ve taken those questions to the wrong people. And the mess I’ve made of things by doing that. I’ve looked to my parents and then to my husband to answer my deepest questions: Do you see me? Am I beautiful? Do I matter?
In their wounding, their grasping for someone to answer their questions, they’ve each answered my questions with a painful, “No.”
In Captivating, Stasi Eldredge addresses the issue that this validation, the answer to our questions, the “yes” that we long for, is the driving force of our lives. All too often we go to the wrong places for our answers, demanding human beings to answer the questions only God is qualified to answer.
Through this book, God has again extended His hand to me amid the crashing waves of my life and invited me to, “Come.”
Ask my questions.
Listen to His answer.
His hand is extended to you too. Look up, away from the waves.
Come.
Here’s a taste of what I’m learning, what God has brought together for me today. It’s a simple truth that packs so much power. Here goes…
The path to healing has three interwoven parts: body, soul, and spirit. All three need to be addressed if we’re to experience the abundant life God has set us free to experience.
The aspect of body can be addressed in many ways. In simple terms, it means taking care of yourself. I talk about this in depth in the post The Place of Grace.
Eldredge adds another point to taking care of our bodies in the process of healing. That of medication. I know a lot of people shut down and get defensive about this topic. I’m not going to step into that battle here. But I do ask that as you keep reading, pray. If medication is not a way God is using to help you, be aware it is a way He is helping many. Yes, it can be abused. But it can also be used responsibly. For example, I’m diabetic. If I don’t take insulin, I die. No one questions my use of medicine to help my body do something it stopped doing on its own. I think we can give the same grace to people whose bodies don’t produce or balance certain chemicals well.
But this isn’t the only aspect to the path of healing. All three are necessary.
The next aspect is our soul. The focus here is our heart, getting with God and addressing the wounds and lies we’ve allowed to define us. It can include a godly counselor, as in my husband’s case. He is seeing a godly man who’s trained in sexual addiction who can help him walk through all that his healing entails. For our marriage this aspect was so lovingly spoken to through the Marriage Intensive we attended in March. There we learned some amazing tools to help us walk further down the path of healing: how to recognize our fears and how to take responsibility for dealing with our hearts by talking to God and asking Him what the truth is. My blog posts titled The Fear Factor and Borrowed Hope go in depth on these and more of things we learned.
This aspect of healing is also where we learn to take our questions to God. Ask Him what He says about you. According to His word, He has answered your deepest questions with a resounding, “YES!” He is the God who sees you (Genesis 16:13), listens to you, knows you best, and loves you most. He has called you by name (Isaiah 43:1), created you with specific gifts (1 Corinthians 12:7), and called you His beloved child. You do matter, you are beautiful, and you were created for a good purpose.
Spend some time here. God has so much good to say to you and about you.
The third aspect is our spirit. This is where spiritual warfare is addressed. There are some wonderful books that have helped me understand the what, why, and how of the fight of faith we are called to in Scripture. They are: Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, Praying God’s Word by Beth Moore, and Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.
Here are some specific Scriptures worth studying as you look into this dimension of healing:
1 Peter 5:8-9 “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.”
James 4:7 “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
Ephesians 4:27 “and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Luke 10:18-19 are Jesus’ words concerning the disciples he sent out, “I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."
Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”
“That whole Ephesians passage about putting on the armor of God… He meant it. We would need it.” Stasi Eldredge.
We do. More than we sometimes realize.
In Waking the Dead, Eldredge speaks of how the stories of our lives are part of a much larger Story, an epic battle, an adventure of mythic proportions. Some days I believe that and experience the thrill of discovery by walking with God and seeing His amazing work in my life. On other days I let laundry, bills, and family problems weigh me down so that the only adventure I face is how soon can I crawl into bed and be done with the day.
There are three eternal truths Eldredge outlines that, when I consider them, help me remember the adventure I was created for and cause my heart to beat with hope. They answer a lot of life’s whys.
Eternal Truth Number One: Things are not what they seem.
I wonder if Job ever knew the battle in the heavenly realm that just looked like pain and random destruction to him on earth. In the same way, I often wonder if I’ll ever grasp that God can and does work all things together for good. I struggle with that when the road is rough and I see no way out of the pain today holds. It helps to remember that what I can’t see is more real than what I see with earthly eyes.
Eternal Truth Number Two: This is a world at war.
Not only do physical wars rage on all over this globe, but there is also a daily battle in the unseen realm that affects every believer, every day. Like Aragorn in Lord of the Rings said, “Open war is upon you whether you’d risk it or not.” The choice is not whether we will engage in this war, but if we will fight the right battle.
Eternal Truth Number Three: You have a crucial role to play.
God created you with a unique blend of personality, gifts, talents, and experiences. What He can do through you is specific to you. (Ephesians 2:10)You are an important person in God’s great Story.
Ephesians six adds some important information on how we play out our crucial role: in the armor God supplies, with His strength, because the battle has already been won. We must stand firm and apply it.
Where Waking the Dead compelled my heart to see beyond the reality of my five senses, Praying God’s Word gave me the tools to fight this unseen battle. Beth Moore takes an honest and enlightening look at our two offensive weapons: The Sword of the Spirit, God’s Word, and prayer. She teaches how to wield them effectively in the destruction of strongholds. In each chapter she covers a specific stronghold, from pride and the insecurity of feeling unloved, to food-related strongholds and depression. This is a book I use over and over because the scripture prayers in each section are the Word of God laid out in a way I can use them to stand firm in the truth.
There are numerous books that speak to this issue of spiritual warfare and offer prayer examples. Neil Anderson’s books The Bondage Breaker and A Way of Escape, as well as Stormie Omartian’s Praying Parent are some that have been very helpful to me.
The last book I mentioned in the list of wonderful books God has used to teach me about spiritual warfare was Captivating. This book has helped me go deeper in my understanding of how I enter this battle as a woman.
I’d like to offer a few quotes from Captivating that have inspired me today as I shared them with my girls and as I’ve seen God work through them in my own walk with Him.
In regards to standing against the enemy and commanding an evil spirit to leave: “This can feel a little weird at first, talking to the air and saying stuff like, ‘I bring the cross of Christ against you. In Jesus’ name I command you to leave.’ Sometimes you have to be firm and pray several times. As Peter said, ‘firm in the faith.’ But leave it does.”
“Often the hardest person to fight for is… yourself. But you must. Your heart is needed. You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. It is time to take a stand and to stand firm. We are at war. You are needed.”
“We need to grow in our understanding and practice of spiritual warfare not only because we are being attacked but because it is one of the primary ways that we grow in Christ.” I would add, that we not only grow in our faith, but also in our understanding of how big and powerful our God really is.
“Women warriors are strong, yes, and they are also tender. In fact, offering a tender vulnerability can only be done by an incredibly strong woman, a woman rooted in Christ Jesus who knows whose she is and therefore knows who she is. Offering our hearts wisely, living in the freedom of God’s love, inviting other to rest, alluring those in our lives to the heart of God, and responding to the heart of God in worship are some of the most powerful ways that a woman wars for her world. But she also puts on the full armor of God daily and takes her immovable stand against the powers of darkness.”
“Your life is a Love Story set in the midst of a life-and-death battle. The beauty, the adventure, the intimacy—they are what are most real. But it is a battle to gain them and a battle to keep them. A battle for your own heart and a battle for the hearts around you. ‘The Lord is a warrior, the Lord is his name’ (Ex 15:3). Jesus fights on your behalf and on behalf of those you love. He asks you to join him.”
In seeing spiritual warfare as a dimension of healing, I’ve seen the Lord take me even further on this journey to healing. It’s amazing. I’m enjoying a taste of freedom today. I believe God has created me for a good purpose. He loves me. And He says I am His and I am beautiful. I fight as His dearly beloved child the battle He has won, called me into, and fights for and with me.
This is abundant life.
A life worth celebrating.
Even more than I celebrate five wonderful years with a child who is a joy to my heart, God celebrates you.
Come.
Ask Him your questions. Let Him lead you in the path of healing. And listen to His answers.
It’s worth the fight.
Remember… In Christ you’ve already won.
Today I also celebrate something else. I celebrate freedom. All three of my girls have taught me how vital freedom is and how it’s worth the fight to experience it. Their hearts are worth fighting for my freedom from the enemy’s lies so that I can show them the path of life, the joy of walking intimately with the Lord. God has been doing an amazing work in my heart, bringing together much I’ve learned in the past to a huge crescendo of freedom. Of healing.
Where to start? I suppose a good place to begin is with a book God is using to revive my heart. The title is Captivating and it’s written by John and Stasi Eldredge.
The book and their ministry, called Ransomed Heart, are both worth checking into. Here’s a quote from their web site introduction:
“Life is a Story. This is true for every soul.
It is a love story, we assure you. But it is set in the midst of a life and death battle. That is why it seems so hard.
The story of your life is the story of the journey of your heart through a dangerous and beautiful world. It is the story of the long and sustained assault on your heart by the enemy who knows who you could be and fears you. But it is also the story of the long and mysterious pursuit of your heart by the God who knows you truly and loves you deeply.
As we live through the pages of this story many questions arise. Who am I…really? Where will I find life…really? And, What is it God wants from me? We know those questions well, for we have lived them ourselves. And we offer here something of the beautiful answers we have found.”
Please take some time to check out their site. It’s so worth the read.
I second their comment about knowing those questions well. Who am I? Why am I here? Do I make a difference? And as a woman, am I beautiful? Do you see me? Do I matter?
I, like Job, don’t get the whys of pain and suffering and I cry out to God for answers. I’ve also read the last few chapters of Job. Sometimes I wonder if putting my hand over my mouth is a better choice than demanding answers. ;-) God is God. He measured the depth of the sea and He knows the number of hairs on my head. Maybe I should just let Him run the universe and learn to trust He knows what’s best.
But the questions won’t go away, won’t be silenced. As I’m still on my desert journey, having all I’ve depended on stripped away, I’m starting to see how much I’ve taken those questions to the wrong people. And the mess I’ve made of things by doing that. I’ve looked to my parents and then to my husband to answer my deepest questions: Do you see me? Am I beautiful? Do I matter?
In their wounding, their grasping for someone to answer their questions, they’ve each answered my questions with a painful, “No.”
In Captivating, Stasi Eldredge addresses the issue that this validation, the answer to our questions, the “yes” that we long for, is the driving force of our lives. All too often we go to the wrong places for our answers, demanding human beings to answer the questions only God is qualified to answer.
Through this book, God has again extended His hand to me amid the crashing waves of my life and invited me to, “Come.”
Ask my questions.
Listen to His answer.
His hand is extended to you too. Look up, away from the waves.
Come.
Here’s a taste of what I’m learning, what God has brought together for me today. It’s a simple truth that packs so much power. Here goes…
The path to healing has three interwoven parts: body, soul, and spirit. All three need to be addressed if we’re to experience the abundant life God has set us free to experience.
The aspect of body can be addressed in many ways. In simple terms, it means taking care of yourself. I talk about this in depth in the post The Place of Grace.
Eldredge adds another point to taking care of our bodies in the process of healing. That of medication. I know a lot of people shut down and get defensive about this topic. I’m not going to step into that battle here. But I do ask that as you keep reading, pray. If medication is not a way God is using to help you, be aware it is a way He is helping many. Yes, it can be abused. But it can also be used responsibly. For example, I’m diabetic. If I don’t take insulin, I die. No one questions my use of medicine to help my body do something it stopped doing on its own. I think we can give the same grace to people whose bodies don’t produce or balance certain chemicals well.
But this isn’t the only aspect to the path of healing. All three are necessary.
The next aspect is our soul. The focus here is our heart, getting with God and addressing the wounds and lies we’ve allowed to define us. It can include a godly counselor, as in my husband’s case. He is seeing a godly man who’s trained in sexual addiction who can help him walk through all that his healing entails. For our marriage this aspect was so lovingly spoken to through the Marriage Intensive we attended in March. There we learned some amazing tools to help us walk further down the path of healing: how to recognize our fears and how to take responsibility for dealing with our hearts by talking to God and asking Him what the truth is. My blog posts titled The Fear Factor and Borrowed Hope go in depth on these and more of things we learned.
This aspect of healing is also where we learn to take our questions to God. Ask Him what He says about you. According to His word, He has answered your deepest questions with a resounding, “YES!” He is the God who sees you (Genesis 16:13), listens to you, knows you best, and loves you most. He has called you by name (Isaiah 43:1), created you with specific gifts (1 Corinthians 12:7), and called you His beloved child. You do matter, you are beautiful, and you were created for a good purpose.
Spend some time here. God has so much good to say to you and about you.
The third aspect is our spirit. This is where spiritual warfare is addressed. There are some wonderful books that have helped me understand the what, why, and how of the fight of faith we are called to in Scripture. They are: Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, Praying God’s Word by Beth Moore, and Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.
Here are some specific Scriptures worth studying as you look into this dimension of healing:
1 Peter 5:8-9 “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.”
James 4:7 “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
Ephesians 4:27 “and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Luke 10:18-19 are Jesus’ words concerning the disciples he sent out, “I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."
Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”
“That whole Ephesians passage about putting on the armor of God… He meant it. We would need it.” Stasi Eldredge.
We do. More than we sometimes realize.
In Waking the Dead, Eldredge speaks of how the stories of our lives are part of a much larger Story, an epic battle, an adventure of mythic proportions. Some days I believe that and experience the thrill of discovery by walking with God and seeing His amazing work in my life. On other days I let laundry, bills, and family problems weigh me down so that the only adventure I face is how soon can I crawl into bed and be done with the day.
There are three eternal truths Eldredge outlines that, when I consider them, help me remember the adventure I was created for and cause my heart to beat with hope. They answer a lot of life’s whys.
Eternal Truth Number One: Things are not what they seem.
I wonder if Job ever knew the battle in the heavenly realm that just looked like pain and random destruction to him on earth. In the same way, I often wonder if I’ll ever grasp that God can and does work all things together for good. I struggle with that when the road is rough and I see no way out of the pain today holds. It helps to remember that what I can’t see is more real than what I see with earthly eyes.
Eternal Truth Number Two: This is a world at war.
Not only do physical wars rage on all over this globe, but there is also a daily battle in the unseen realm that affects every believer, every day. Like Aragorn in Lord of the Rings said, “Open war is upon you whether you’d risk it or not.” The choice is not whether we will engage in this war, but if we will fight the right battle.
Eternal Truth Number Three: You have a crucial role to play.
God created you with a unique blend of personality, gifts, talents, and experiences. What He can do through you is specific to you. (Ephesians 2:10)You are an important person in God’s great Story.
Ephesians six adds some important information on how we play out our crucial role: in the armor God supplies, with His strength, because the battle has already been won. We must stand firm and apply it.
Where Waking the Dead compelled my heart to see beyond the reality of my five senses, Praying God’s Word gave me the tools to fight this unseen battle. Beth Moore takes an honest and enlightening look at our two offensive weapons: The Sword of the Spirit, God’s Word, and prayer. She teaches how to wield them effectively in the destruction of strongholds. In each chapter she covers a specific stronghold, from pride and the insecurity of feeling unloved, to food-related strongholds and depression. This is a book I use over and over because the scripture prayers in each section are the Word of God laid out in a way I can use them to stand firm in the truth.
There are numerous books that speak to this issue of spiritual warfare and offer prayer examples. Neil Anderson’s books The Bondage Breaker and A Way of Escape, as well as Stormie Omartian’s Praying Parent are some that have been very helpful to me.
The last book I mentioned in the list of wonderful books God has used to teach me about spiritual warfare was Captivating. This book has helped me go deeper in my understanding of how I enter this battle as a woman.
I’d like to offer a few quotes from Captivating that have inspired me today as I shared them with my girls and as I’ve seen God work through them in my own walk with Him.
In regards to standing against the enemy and commanding an evil spirit to leave: “This can feel a little weird at first, talking to the air and saying stuff like, ‘I bring the cross of Christ against you. In Jesus’ name I command you to leave.’ Sometimes you have to be firm and pray several times. As Peter said, ‘firm in the faith.’ But leave it does.”
“Often the hardest person to fight for is… yourself. But you must. Your heart is needed. You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. It is time to take a stand and to stand firm. We are at war. You are needed.”
“We need to grow in our understanding and practice of spiritual warfare not only because we are being attacked but because it is one of the primary ways that we grow in Christ.” I would add, that we not only grow in our faith, but also in our understanding of how big and powerful our God really is.
“Women warriors are strong, yes, and they are also tender. In fact, offering a tender vulnerability can only be done by an incredibly strong woman, a woman rooted in Christ Jesus who knows whose she is and therefore knows who she is. Offering our hearts wisely, living in the freedom of God’s love, inviting other to rest, alluring those in our lives to the heart of God, and responding to the heart of God in worship are some of the most powerful ways that a woman wars for her world. But she also puts on the full armor of God daily and takes her immovable stand against the powers of darkness.”
“Your life is a Love Story set in the midst of a life-and-death battle. The beauty, the adventure, the intimacy—they are what are most real. But it is a battle to gain them and a battle to keep them. A battle for your own heart and a battle for the hearts around you. ‘The Lord is a warrior, the Lord is his name’ (Ex 15:3). Jesus fights on your behalf and on behalf of those you love. He asks you to join him.”
In seeing spiritual warfare as a dimension of healing, I’ve seen the Lord take me even further on this journey to healing. It’s amazing. I’m enjoying a taste of freedom today. I believe God has created me for a good purpose. He loves me. And He says I am His and I am beautiful. I fight as His dearly beloved child the battle He has won, called me into, and fights for and with me.
This is abundant life.
A life worth celebrating.
Even more than I celebrate five wonderful years with a child who is a joy to my heart, God celebrates you.
Come.
Ask Him your questions. Let Him lead you in the path of healing. And listen to His answers.
It’s worth the fight.
Remember… In Christ you’ve already won.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Stones of Remembrance
Yesterday we celebrated the birth of our nation. It's one of my favorite holidays as I'm an Army brat and fiercely patriotic. Mostly because words stir my soul and the words of our Founding Fathers never fail to bring tears to my eyes. Also because I've seen those words in action, seen the lives of men and women committed to God and to our country. Men and women willing to give everything to serve.
We spent time yesterday morning singing patriotic songs, reading poems, praying for our nation and our military, and reading the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights... we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."
Words like that remind me of the sacrifices I've seen as a third generation military dependent. My grandfather gave his life for this country. My father served in Desert Storm. I've seen what our military fights for~ freedom. And I’ve seen what we fight against. Tyranny. The control of a people by one not concerned with meeting the basic needs of those people. I’ve seen the result of freedom's absence in the hollow, longing eyes of an old woman begging for a taste of bread, knowing she could die for simply asking us for help. That look is something I will never forget.
I’ve had that look. The emptiness of bondage. The hopelessness that life as I know it is nothing but pain. But I’ve also tasted Freedom. And that I can’t forget either.
Last Saturday was a special day of Independence for me, a day where I experienced anew the glorious Freedom that is mine. A Freedom I too often forget.
I spent the weekend at a friend’s camp in North Carolina. Early Saturday morning I hiked up an overgrown trail that led to an eighty-foot waterfall. But God had me stop by a smaller waterfall and spend the rest of my hiking time with Him. That was one of the best choices I have ever made.
The sky was a sapphire blue, the sunlight danced on the rushing stream at my feet. Surrounding me were brilliant greens and beneath me hundreds of stones. I listened to the roaring water and felt my soul relax.
Psalm 42:7 says, “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls.” Though I didn’t make it to the eighty-foot one, I didn’t need to. My little waterfall filled my ears and my heart. As I pondered this verse, I realized why being near the water is so important to me. It’s where I most hear the Lord. Where the roar of the water reminds me of His greatness, and its gentle refreshing reminds me of His love. It’s where I hear Him call, “Come deeper.”
And so I did.
When I first sat down at the stream I felt so alone. No one to share the surrounding beauty with, no one to talk to. God didn’t get offended. But He did ask me what I’d do if someone were there with me. I said I’d skip stones. So He invited me to do that… with Him.
I skipped stones until I laughed. I plunked most of them in the bottom of the stream. But when I skipped a few the number I wanted to achieve, I cheered. And God cheered with me. It was a neat time of just hanging out with God.
Then I listened to the water and looked around at the stones. I remembered David’s battle with Goliath. He chose five smooth stones and defeated his gigantic foe. I felt led to choose five stones too. And so I picked up five little ones, too small to do much, if any, damage. Especially since my gigantic foe is a battle with my husband’s addiction and the battle for my family.
But then I found amid all the brown rocks, a bright red one, and a tiny white shard of a stone. Immediately I thought of the blood of Christ that washes me white as snow. I knew then that the Lord had much to show me of Himself. With two little rocks He took my focus off my battle and put it where it belongs… On Him.
I pulled out my Bible and looked up the word stones. There were six verses. As I went through each of them God added a very powerful one that reiterated what my stones Bible study verses said. Second Chronicles 20:12, 15, 17 spoke directly to the battle I faced and how I was to face it. “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.” “For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” “Stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.”
I read those verses and looked at my stones. I wouldn’t need them to fight. But I would need them to remember.
My wonderful home school president’s last Bible study of the year was on Joshua 4 and how Joshua was commanded to choose twelve men and have them each retrieve a stone from the middle of the Jordan river. “When your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them…these stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” They were to help His people remember the deliverance of the Lord.
So I asked the Lord what should I remember when I looked at these stones. He reminded me of my favorite name for Him. I AM. This name is in the center of my all-time favorite Bible story in Matthew 14. The story where Peter walks on the water. Jesus addressed the terrified disciples and told them, “Take courage! I AM. Do not be afraid.”
So my stones remind me that God is my “I AM.” He is everything I need in this and every other circumstance I will face. He is my Daddy, my Best Friend, my Heart Healer, and my Defender. He will fight for me. And He promises that He will work in all things for my good.
I love the line from CS Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia where one of the children asks if Aslan is safe. Another child answers, “Safe? No, Aslan isn’t safe. But he is good.”
That's my God. He’s not safe. He calls me to frightening, painful places and allows more hurt than I think I can bear. But He is good. In the frightening places, He holds me and guides me through. He teaches me He is worthy of my trust and that He is where I can run to find everything I need. He provides the relationships He created me for, first with Himself, and then with others He provides. But He alone is where I’m to run. He’s the Truth. He knows me best and loves me most.
By mid-morning I was excited about all God was showing me. I had my stones, knew what they meant, and knew this battle I faced was in His hands. But I was starting to feel restless again. Ready to run back home and get started.
God had another plan.
He brought to mind my mentor’s words about “unforced rhythms of grace.” There I was trying to force my heart to hurry up and grasp all my mind had received from the Lord. I wasn’t ready to go anywhere, certainly not home yet. So I watched the water and listened. God asked me to sing. So I did in my normal worship style, eyes closed. I got a little bolder and did what I do when I let myself go and just praise… I signed. As I sang quietly and signed with my eyes closed, I started to cry. Really cry. Especially during one line of the only song that came to mind. It says, “Oh my soul rejoice.” I thought, how in the world could I rejoice right now. Life hurts.
God said, “Open your eyes.” I did. And I sang again. I was uncomfortable at first, and then let myself just look and really see. With His beauty all around me and His Word still fresh in my mind, I could sing. I could offer the sacrifice of praise and say, “It is well with my soul. My soul can and will rejoice.”
I went back to the Word and read my last stones Bible verse. First Peter 2:3-4, “…now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to Him, the living Stone~ rejected by men,” I stopped there and thought, “me too.” I’ve been rejected by men. Then I continued to read, “but chosen by God and precious to Him…” God said, “You too.” I smiled. Yes, me too.
He gave me another verse in Isaiah 32:2. “…like streams of water in the desert.” I thought about my desert walk and this stream I sat beside. God showed me that even though I walk through this painful desert time, He is my stream, my Living Water.
At this point I’d completed my stones Bible study and felt it penetrate my heart. I was full. Rested. Hopeful about what God had in store even as I knew the testing by fire would continue.
So I danced.
I programmed song number five of Nichole Nordeman’s CD, Woven and Spun. It’s title is “I AM.” I stood at the edge of the stream and slow danced with my heavenly Lover. His words flooded my heart.
“You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And You said, I Am.
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am.
When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angles dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End.
I Am
Yes, I Am.”
By the end of the song I was crying so hard I shook. I had touched and been touched by God.
And my feet were in the stream. I looked down and for a second it looked like I was walking on water.
Like Peter.
I’d reached up and been rescued by the hand of God.
And I’d danced.
With a full heart and a pocket full of stones, I left that special place. I returned home the next day and shared my stones with my girls. They thought my story was neat and my stones cool. They weren’t compelled to dance though.
But I am. Because I was there. And God’s invitation to come and dance is still open.
So I will pull out my stones and remember.
And dance.
We spent time yesterday morning singing patriotic songs, reading poems, praying for our nation and our military, and reading the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights... we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."
Words like that remind me of the sacrifices I've seen as a third generation military dependent. My grandfather gave his life for this country. My father served in Desert Storm. I've seen what our military fights for~ freedom. And I’ve seen what we fight against. Tyranny. The control of a people by one not concerned with meeting the basic needs of those people. I’ve seen the result of freedom's absence in the hollow, longing eyes of an old woman begging for a taste of bread, knowing she could die for simply asking us for help. That look is something I will never forget.
I’ve had that look. The emptiness of bondage. The hopelessness that life as I know it is nothing but pain. But I’ve also tasted Freedom. And that I can’t forget either.
Last Saturday was a special day of Independence for me, a day where I experienced anew the glorious Freedom that is mine. A Freedom I too often forget.
I spent the weekend at a friend’s camp in North Carolina. Early Saturday morning I hiked up an overgrown trail that led to an eighty-foot waterfall. But God had me stop by a smaller waterfall and spend the rest of my hiking time with Him. That was one of the best choices I have ever made.
The sky was a sapphire blue, the sunlight danced on the rushing stream at my feet. Surrounding me were brilliant greens and beneath me hundreds of stones. I listened to the roaring water and felt my soul relax.
Psalm 42:7 says, “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls.” Though I didn’t make it to the eighty-foot one, I didn’t need to. My little waterfall filled my ears and my heart. As I pondered this verse, I realized why being near the water is so important to me. It’s where I most hear the Lord. Where the roar of the water reminds me of His greatness, and its gentle refreshing reminds me of His love. It’s where I hear Him call, “Come deeper.”
And so I did.
When I first sat down at the stream I felt so alone. No one to share the surrounding beauty with, no one to talk to. God didn’t get offended. But He did ask me what I’d do if someone were there with me. I said I’d skip stones. So He invited me to do that… with Him.
I skipped stones until I laughed. I plunked most of them in the bottom of the stream. But when I skipped a few the number I wanted to achieve, I cheered. And God cheered with me. It was a neat time of just hanging out with God.
Then I listened to the water and looked around at the stones. I remembered David’s battle with Goliath. He chose five smooth stones and defeated his gigantic foe. I felt led to choose five stones too. And so I picked up five little ones, too small to do much, if any, damage. Especially since my gigantic foe is a battle with my husband’s addiction and the battle for my family.
But then I found amid all the brown rocks, a bright red one, and a tiny white shard of a stone. Immediately I thought of the blood of Christ that washes me white as snow. I knew then that the Lord had much to show me of Himself. With two little rocks He took my focus off my battle and put it where it belongs… On Him.
I pulled out my Bible and looked up the word stones. There were six verses. As I went through each of them God added a very powerful one that reiterated what my stones Bible study verses said. Second Chronicles 20:12, 15, 17 spoke directly to the battle I faced and how I was to face it. “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.” “For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” “Stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.”
I read those verses and looked at my stones. I wouldn’t need them to fight. But I would need them to remember.
My wonderful home school president’s last Bible study of the year was on Joshua 4 and how Joshua was commanded to choose twelve men and have them each retrieve a stone from the middle of the Jordan river. “When your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them…these stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” They were to help His people remember the deliverance of the Lord.
So I asked the Lord what should I remember when I looked at these stones. He reminded me of my favorite name for Him. I AM. This name is in the center of my all-time favorite Bible story in Matthew 14. The story where Peter walks on the water. Jesus addressed the terrified disciples and told them, “Take courage! I AM. Do not be afraid.”
So my stones remind me that God is my “I AM.” He is everything I need in this and every other circumstance I will face. He is my Daddy, my Best Friend, my Heart Healer, and my Defender. He will fight for me. And He promises that He will work in all things for my good.
I love the line from CS Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia where one of the children asks if Aslan is safe. Another child answers, “Safe? No, Aslan isn’t safe. But he is good.”
That's my God. He’s not safe. He calls me to frightening, painful places and allows more hurt than I think I can bear. But He is good. In the frightening places, He holds me and guides me through. He teaches me He is worthy of my trust and that He is where I can run to find everything I need. He provides the relationships He created me for, first with Himself, and then with others He provides. But He alone is where I’m to run. He’s the Truth. He knows me best and loves me most.
By mid-morning I was excited about all God was showing me. I had my stones, knew what they meant, and knew this battle I faced was in His hands. But I was starting to feel restless again. Ready to run back home and get started.
God had another plan.
He brought to mind my mentor’s words about “unforced rhythms of grace.” There I was trying to force my heart to hurry up and grasp all my mind had received from the Lord. I wasn’t ready to go anywhere, certainly not home yet. So I watched the water and listened. God asked me to sing. So I did in my normal worship style, eyes closed. I got a little bolder and did what I do when I let myself go and just praise… I signed. As I sang quietly and signed with my eyes closed, I started to cry. Really cry. Especially during one line of the only song that came to mind. It says, “Oh my soul rejoice.” I thought, how in the world could I rejoice right now. Life hurts.
God said, “Open your eyes.” I did. And I sang again. I was uncomfortable at first, and then let myself just look and really see. With His beauty all around me and His Word still fresh in my mind, I could sing. I could offer the sacrifice of praise and say, “It is well with my soul. My soul can and will rejoice.”
I went back to the Word and read my last stones Bible verse. First Peter 2:3-4, “…now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to Him, the living Stone~ rejected by men,” I stopped there and thought, “me too.” I’ve been rejected by men. Then I continued to read, “but chosen by God and precious to Him…” God said, “You too.” I smiled. Yes, me too.
He gave me another verse in Isaiah 32:2. “…like streams of water in the desert.” I thought about my desert walk and this stream I sat beside. God showed me that even though I walk through this painful desert time, He is my stream, my Living Water.
At this point I’d completed my stones Bible study and felt it penetrate my heart. I was full. Rested. Hopeful about what God had in store even as I knew the testing by fire would continue.
So I danced.
I programmed song number five of Nichole Nordeman’s CD, Woven and Spun. It’s title is “I AM.” I stood at the edge of the stream and slow danced with my heavenly Lover. His words flooded my heart.
“You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And You said, I Am.
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am.
When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angles dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End.
I Am
Yes, I Am.”
By the end of the song I was crying so hard I shook. I had touched and been touched by God.
And my feet were in the stream. I looked down and for a second it looked like I was walking on water.
Like Peter.
I’d reached up and been rescued by the hand of God.
And I’d danced.
With a full heart and a pocket full of stones, I left that special place. I returned home the next day and shared my stones with my girls. They thought my story was neat and my stones cool. They weren’t compelled to dance though.
But I am. Because I was there. And God’s invitation to come and dance is still open.
So I will pull out my stones and remember.
And dance.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Addiction
I think I should change the banner of my blog to "welcome to the roller coaster." It seems my recent trip to the beach was only a brief oasis in preparation for a much longer, much harder desert journey.
I'm very thankful for all the people who stood by me during the first leg of this difficult walk. Your prayers are still much needed and much appreciated.
Since this is the peek-a-boo ICU and it's all about coming out of hiding and entering God's Intensive Care Unit, I decided it was time to face a subject that I've wanted to write about, but never had the courage to come out of hiding to do.
So here goes...
I’m a third generation alcoholic. I spent most of my junior high, high school, and college years hiding a family secret and learning to own that addiction for myself. During high school I became a Christian and drank less, but the tentacles of addiction still had a firm grip on my life. Alcohol was my drug of choice to numb the pain. It wasn’t until many years later I would even admit I was an alcoholic and many more before I would seek help to overcome this addiction.
At one point in college, I tried AA meetings, but they didn’t reach me. I didn’t want to define myself by my addiction and I didn’t want to look deeper into why I ran to alcohol. I just wanted the pain to go away. So I hid. Which really wasn’t hard to do. When my addiction started in earnest I was in junior high. Living in Germany, I could purchase alcohol anytime I wanted. Then when we moved back to the States I had access to my parent’s and grandmother’s liquor stash. In high school there were enough parties to keep me busy. And when I wasn’t partying with the wild crowd, I stayed busy with the church crowd. No one confronted me about having a problem. The church crowd never knew I almost killed myself twice getting so drunk I still have no idea how I got home.
After high school I walked away from alcohol, but not the addiction. I’d have an occasional drink and believed I was fine. No more parties, getting drunk, or hiding my alcohol consumption.
But I still didn’t deal with my heart, the reason the addiction still had a hold on me.
It wasn’t until I interviewed for a missionary position after college graduation that anyone looked deep into my life and asked some pointed questions. From that interview weekend I returned home and started seeing a rape counselor for a date rape that happened in high school, which I had never faced. In the process I started to deal with my heart and all the pain I had bottled up in there. The tentacles of addiction started to loosen.
Not too long after that I married and started to talk about my addiction in the past tense. I admitted I was once an alcoholic, but had found freedom in Christ. And I had. But I still had so much more to learn. My heart was only just starting the journey to healing.
Children came. Three wonderful, beautiful little girls. After my first daughter was born I learned my husband was not into alcohol like I had been, but his drug of choice was pornography. We went to counseling and I took another few steps on the path of heart healing.
After my second daughter was born it would be a year before I learned my husband not only still used porn, but he had a true sex addiction. Again, we went to counseling and I received a lot of help for my heart. But not my marriage. Because that takes two.
We had a third little girl and by the time she turned one, I was sure my marriage was over. So after my tenth wedding anniversary disaster, I told my husband something had to change or we wouldn’t make it to the eleventh anniversary.
We attended the Smalley Marriage Intensive in March of this year and God did an amazing work in me. I was finally given the tools and the time to attend to the depths of my heart. And I did. I now know I am free of an addiction to alcohol because God has done an amazing work in my life.
I’m not foolish or prideful enough to think I could never go back though. I could. So I protect myself and my daughters in many ways. And I’ve learned to run to God when life hurts. That is the best medicine for a wounded heart I’ve ever found.
But my marriage hasn’t taken that journey. I’m not sure it will. Today I’ve uncovered more “junk” and seen some pretty destructive patterns that I’ve been allowing to continue.
No more.
If running to God is the only place for healing, which I know it is, He is now all I have.
I’m still grieving what I thought was getting better and wasn’t. I’m still wrestling with anger and hurt so deep I’d like to go to sleep and not wake up until everything is better. But I know that won’t work. I have three little girls that need their mommy and a husband who I hope takes a good look in the mirror and decides it’s time to admit the truth and deal with his addiction all the way to healing.
Please pray for all of us.
Reading back over this, I’m not sure I should post it. I wrote it to sort out my mess of thoughts and keep from going crazy. But maybe it will help someone who reads it find the strength to run to God and get the help they need to break free from whatever has a hold on them.
Please do run to God. Addiction doesn’t just affect you. It affects whole families, and in truth, the whole Body of Christ. Don’t bury your head and let another person’s addictions get a hold on you either. I’ve done that for too many years. I’ve enabled destructive patterns to continue because of my own wounds and needs.
Needs I didn’t take to God. Needs I thought my husband could and should meet.
But he can’t.
God can.
And He is.
Please pray. All I can see stretching ahead are unending waves of hot sand. Please pray I’ll listen to the Lord and stay in His arms. And that one day He will use all of this for His glory. Like Moses on the backside of the desert for 40 years. I pray God will use me to lead others to freedom. That prayer frightens me as much as it calls me. But God’s been preparing me for this journey for some time.
I now (thanks to one of my awesome youth girls) have a little jar of beach sand at my desk. It reminds me that there are other places beside the desert in my future.
And that is a promise for every one of His children. In John 14 Jesus reminds us to trust in God and talks about His Father’s house. He says, “I am going there to prepare a place for you.” And in John 16:33 He says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
“O Daddy, strengthen my legs for the journey and my heart to trust You and love with Your amazing love. Amen.”
I'm very thankful for all the people who stood by me during the first leg of this difficult walk. Your prayers are still much needed and much appreciated.
Since this is the peek-a-boo ICU and it's all about coming out of hiding and entering God's Intensive Care Unit, I decided it was time to face a subject that I've wanted to write about, but never had the courage to come out of hiding to do.
So here goes...
I’m a third generation alcoholic. I spent most of my junior high, high school, and college years hiding a family secret and learning to own that addiction for myself. During high school I became a Christian and drank less, but the tentacles of addiction still had a firm grip on my life. Alcohol was my drug of choice to numb the pain. It wasn’t until many years later I would even admit I was an alcoholic and many more before I would seek help to overcome this addiction.
At one point in college, I tried AA meetings, but they didn’t reach me. I didn’t want to define myself by my addiction and I didn’t want to look deeper into why I ran to alcohol. I just wanted the pain to go away. So I hid. Which really wasn’t hard to do. When my addiction started in earnest I was in junior high. Living in Germany, I could purchase alcohol anytime I wanted. Then when we moved back to the States I had access to my parent’s and grandmother’s liquor stash. In high school there were enough parties to keep me busy. And when I wasn’t partying with the wild crowd, I stayed busy with the church crowd. No one confronted me about having a problem. The church crowd never knew I almost killed myself twice getting so drunk I still have no idea how I got home.
After high school I walked away from alcohol, but not the addiction. I’d have an occasional drink and believed I was fine. No more parties, getting drunk, or hiding my alcohol consumption.
But I still didn’t deal with my heart, the reason the addiction still had a hold on me.
It wasn’t until I interviewed for a missionary position after college graduation that anyone looked deep into my life and asked some pointed questions. From that interview weekend I returned home and started seeing a rape counselor for a date rape that happened in high school, which I had never faced. In the process I started to deal with my heart and all the pain I had bottled up in there. The tentacles of addiction started to loosen.
Not too long after that I married and started to talk about my addiction in the past tense. I admitted I was once an alcoholic, but had found freedom in Christ. And I had. But I still had so much more to learn. My heart was only just starting the journey to healing.
Children came. Three wonderful, beautiful little girls. After my first daughter was born I learned my husband was not into alcohol like I had been, but his drug of choice was pornography. We went to counseling and I took another few steps on the path of heart healing.
After my second daughter was born it would be a year before I learned my husband not only still used porn, but he had a true sex addiction. Again, we went to counseling and I received a lot of help for my heart. But not my marriage. Because that takes two.
We had a third little girl and by the time she turned one, I was sure my marriage was over. So after my tenth wedding anniversary disaster, I told my husband something had to change or we wouldn’t make it to the eleventh anniversary.
We attended the Smalley Marriage Intensive in March of this year and God did an amazing work in me. I was finally given the tools and the time to attend to the depths of my heart. And I did. I now know I am free of an addiction to alcohol because God has done an amazing work in my life.
I’m not foolish or prideful enough to think I could never go back though. I could. So I protect myself and my daughters in many ways. And I’ve learned to run to God when life hurts. That is the best medicine for a wounded heart I’ve ever found.
But my marriage hasn’t taken that journey. I’m not sure it will. Today I’ve uncovered more “junk” and seen some pretty destructive patterns that I’ve been allowing to continue.
No more.
If running to God is the only place for healing, which I know it is, He is now all I have.
I’m still grieving what I thought was getting better and wasn’t. I’m still wrestling with anger and hurt so deep I’d like to go to sleep and not wake up until everything is better. But I know that won’t work. I have three little girls that need their mommy and a husband who I hope takes a good look in the mirror and decides it’s time to admit the truth and deal with his addiction all the way to healing.
Please pray for all of us.
Reading back over this, I’m not sure I should post it. I wrote it to sort out my mess of thoughts and keep from going crazy. But maybe it will help someone who reads it find the strength to run to God and get the help they need to break free from whatever has a hold on them.
Please do run to God. Addiction doesn’t just affect you. It affects whole families, and in truth, the whole Body of Christ. Don’t bury your head and let another person’s addictions get a hold on you either. I’ve done that for too many years. I’ve enabled destructive patterns to continue because of my own wounds and needs.
Needs I didn’t take to God. Needs I thought my husband could and should meet.
But he can’t.
God can.
And He is.
Please pray. All I can see stretching ahead are unending waves of hot sand. Please pray I’ll listen to the Lord and stay in His arms. And that one day He will use all of this for His glory. Like Moses on the backside of the desert for 40 years. I pray God will use me to lead others to freedom. That prayer frightens me as much as it calls me. But God’s been preparing me for this journey for some time.
I now (thanks to one of my awesome youth girls) have a little jar of beach sand at my desk. It reminds me that there are other places beside the desert in my future.
And that is a promise for every one of His children. In John 14 Jesus reminds us to trust in God and talks about His Father’s house. He says, “I am going there to prepare a place for you.” And in John 16:33 He says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
“O Daddy, strengthen my legs for the journey and my heart to trust You and love with Your amazing love. Amen.”
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Thank you for being a friend
There's an eighties song by Andrew Gold that captures what I'd like to say today. It starts with these lines, "Thank you for being a friend. You've traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant."
During my desert walk, there were so many who came alongside and fought for me. Some with me, challenging me to see the truth. :-) They prayed and listened and loved me well. And I want to say thank you.
To my husband: It’s been a tough eleven years. Here’s to learning to fight the right fight together and seeing all that God has in store for us. Thank you for choosing God and spending time with Him. Please keep looking through His eyes at the man He created you to be~ the man you truly are. Thank you for coming out of hiding and into the Truth, into healing. Your strength and courage remind me to run to God as you have done. In the desert, the dark, or on the beach, God is showing me you are His good gift to me. I love you.
To my daughters: In your precious prayers I found the courage to keep walking. You believe God still does miracles. Thanks to each of you and the awesome God we love, I see again how true that is. God is good... you remind me of that daily. I love you so much!
To my best friend: Jen, you continue to point me to the Lord and show me that who He created me to be is good. By your life, your wise words, and your love you reveal the beauty of the Lord. Even when the passionate way I live wears you out. ;-) I’m a glorious mess. Thank you for fighting for me and loving me well. The gift of you as my best friend is one I treasure and count a great privilege to enjoy. I love you and thank God for you.
To the Princess Bible study group: Knowing you all has made me a better person. You are each beautiful, precious young ladies~ daughters of the King. We've shared our hearts, and what God has done and continues to do is an awesome reminder of the good God we serve. Thank you. I also want to say thanks for the email reminders of your prayers, and the Dove chocolate bar coupon. You know me and love me well. I love you too.
To my Threshing Floor partners: You all not only make my writing shine, you walk beside me and comfort me with your amazing prayers. Thank you for sharing my hurts and my joy. I love you Jen, Mary, and Staci and I thank the Lord for putting us together.
To Steph and Rob: Thank you for entering into the painful journey of healing with me. Your prayers touched my heart and my marriage. Your emails helped me define what I believe and helped me see more clearly what the Lord is doing. Your love is a gift. I love you both. God did put us together for a reason~ a very good one. His glory and our good. He's so awesome!
To my Momsloop friends: You all have prayed and talked me through many a crisis and shared much laughter too. Thank you for your longstanding love and friendship. I love you all.
To the others who have shared their stories with me and wish to remain unnamed, I want to say thank you too. Your courage to share your heart reminded me that I'm not alone. Not in the pain or in the coming joy. God has good in store and you are a living, loving reminder of that truth. Thank you! I love you. God has blessed me so much with your friendship.
All of these precious people have walked with me in the desert and been the voice of the Lord when it was hard to listen. To each of them I say, "THANK YOU!" a thousand times over.
Friendship is one of God's greatest gifts. I've spent much of my life without that gift being too afraid of really sharing my heart for fear it would be rejected or not matter. After years of praying and learning to come out of hiding, I'm beginning to enjoy this most amazing blessing.
God is good. You are all living proof.
During my desert walk, there were so many who came alongside and fought for me. Some with me, challenging me to see the truth. :-) They prayed and listened and loved me well. And I want to say thank you.
To my husband: It’s been a tough eleven years. Here’s to learning to fight the right fight together and seeing all that God has in store for us. Thank you for choosing God and spending time with Him. Please keep looking through His eyes at the man He created you to be~ the man you truly are. Thank you for coming out of hiding and into the Truth, into healing. Your strength and courage remind me to run to God as you have done. In the desert, the dark, or on the beach, God is showing me you are His good gift to me. I love you.
To my daughters: In your precious prayers I found the courage to keep walking. You believe God still does miracles. Thanks to each of you and the awesome God we love, I see again how true that is. God is good... you remind me of that daily. I love you so much!
To my best friend: Jen, you continue to point me to the Lord and show me that who He created me to be is good. By your life, your wise words, and your love you reveal the beauty of the Lord. Even when the passionate way I live wears you out. ;-) I’m a glorious mess. Thank you for fighting for me and loving me well. The gift of you as my best friend is one I treasure and count a great privilege to enjoy. I love you and thank God for you.
To the Princess Bible study group: Knowing you all has made me a better person. You are each beautiful, precious young ladies~ daughters of the King. We've shared our hearts, and what God has done and continues to do is an awesome reminder of the good God we serve. Thank you. I also want to say thanks for the email reminders of your prayers, and the Dove chocolate bar coupon. You know me and love me well. I love you too.
To my Threshing Floor partners: You all not only make my writing shine, you walk beside me and comfort me with your amazing prayers. Thank you for sharing my hurts and my joy. I love you Jen, Mary, and Staci and I thank the Lord for putting us together.
To Steph and Rob: Thank you for entering into the painful journey of healing with me. Your prayers touched my heart and my marriage. Your emails helped me define what I believe and helped me see more clearly what the Lord is doing. Your love is a gift. I love you both. God did put us together for a reason~ a very good one. His glory and our good. He's so awesome!
To my Momsloop friends: You all have prayed and talked me through many a crisis and shared much laughter too. Thank you for your longstanding love and friendship. I love you all.
To the others who have shared their stories with me and wish to remain unnamed, I want to say thank you too. Your courage to share your heart reminded me that I'm not alone. Not in the pain or in the coming joy. God has good in store and you are a living, loving reminder of that truth. Thank you! I love you. God has blessed me so much with your friendship.
All of these precious people have walked with me in the desert and been the voice of the Lord when it was hard to listen. To each of them I say, "THANK YOU!" a thousand times over.
Friendship is one of God's greatest gifts. I've spent much of my life without that gift being too afraid of really sharing my heart for fear it would be rejected or not matter. After years of praying and learning to come out of hiding, I'm beginning to enjoy this most amazing blessing.
God is good. You are all living proof.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Choose wisely
On my screen saver are these words...
"Remember. Only One Thing is necessary. Choose wisely."
Some of these words came from a Bible study with my wonderful youth girls. We talked about Luke 10:42 where Jesus shares how Mary had chosen well in spending time with Him and listening to His words. The verse says, “but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
The “choose wisely” part came from a fairytale I’d written for my girls a few years ago. In the scene below the king is throwing a party for his daughters to celebrate their entrance into adulthood. Many in the kingdom desire to win their affection. But there is one whose desire is not for their affection. It is for their destruction. Much like our lives. We have an enemy who seeks to destroy us. We also have a Father who calls us to remember.
“Then one suitor, draped in a jeweled cloak, captured his daughters’ attentions. As the man told stories of his adventures and enchanting far-away places, the King watched the princesses’ excitement grow.
When the stranger departed, King Adonai spoke to Shiri first, then Teshi and Apolline. He whispered his heart’s cry in their ears. ‘Remember that I love you. Choose wisely.’”
This is what God has been teaching me in so many ways through my desert journey. It has been a very hard time, but good. I’d like to share some of what I’m learning.
The most important thing I’m learning is to run to my First Love. Time alone has opened my eyes to the desperate hunger I have tried to fill with other people and things. Good things. Gifts from God. My husband, my children, writing, friends. But when God is calling me to Himself, these good things can stand in the way of the Best. These gifts are also only good when they come from God’s hand and not my striving.
I’ve seen that it’s only when my relationship with my First Love is right, that all other loves are safe. Only One Thing is necessary. I’m learning to choose Him above all else.
Another thing the Lord is teaching me in this time is to choose love over lust. I’m learning from the example of others who’ve shared their stories with me and from my own journey. Lust destroys. Love builds. Love values people and shows respect. Love listens to the heart. Love waits. Lust, on the other hand, demands satisfaction now.
It’s not just youth or singles that need to learn the difference either. Married people need this too. Sex is a gift, not a Band-Aid. When we use it as a place to run to make us feel better, it’s lust. It’s filling a need~ not by running to the Lord~ but with something else. That’s idolatry.
Choose wisely.
This time alone in the desert has been a gift and as I’m learning to choose wisely, I’m falling in love with Him. God is speaking tender words here. He is making all things new in my heart. I have drawn nearer to the Lord and cried out to Him. I’ve learned He truly can meet emotional needs as well as physical longing. He is enough. He is love.
I’m also learning to run to God instead of choosing anger. I love my girls so much. Even so, taking care of three children all day, every day is exhausting. I’ve found my temper short and mind too busy to deal with why.
Until my desert stop.
God is showing me how to run to Him in the midst of a crisis and let Him be my strength, my gentle words, and my loving instruction.
He’s also my forgiveness. Instead of hiding behind anger and the wounds of betrayal, God has led me into this desert to experience my need for of the waters of forgiveness. I’m looking in the mirror with no one else to blame for my reactions, and seeing how thirsty I am. And the result has been an open door to restoration and reconciliation.
A door I’m walking through.
At one point last week, I was ready to throw away all the Lord had begun to show me because the hurt was so intense. I thought I would either go insane or shut down completely. Living an emotionless, passionless, lonely life seemed my only option. I chose to fight instead. Not with the person who hurt me, and not with God.
I chose to stand up and fight the fight of faith. I recognized the enemy’s lies and ran to God for the truth.
And He’s answering abundantly ~ over and above what I asked or imagined. He’s leading me to the beach and restoring my soul. He’s healing my heart as well as the damaged relationship.
I didn’t choose the desert. But I am learning that making wise choices wherever I am matters.
Life is about choices.
Anger or grace?
Lust or love?
Hate or forgiveness?
Idols or your First Love?
Remember. Only One Thing is needed.
How will you choose?
"Remember. Only One Thing is necessary. Choose wisely."
Some of these words came from a Bible study with my wonderful youth girls. We talked about Luke 10:42 where Jesus shares how Mary had chosen well in spending time with Him and listening to His words. The verse says, “but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
The “choose wisely” part came from a fairytale I’d written for my girls a few years ago. In the scene below the king is throwing a party for his daughters to celebrate their entrance into adulthood. Many in the kingdom desire to win their affection. But there is one whose desire is not for their affection. It is for their destruction. Much like our lives. We have an enemy who seeks to destroy us. We also have a Father who calls us to remember.
“Then one suitor, draped in a jeweled cloak, captured his daughters’ attentions. As the man told stories of his adventures and enchanting far-away places, the King watched the princesses’ excitement grow.
When the stranger departed, King Adonai spoke to Shiri first, then Teshi and Apolline. He whispered his heart’s cry in their ears. ‘Remember that I love you. Choose wisely.’”
This is what God has been teaching me in so many ways through my desert journey. It has been a very hard time, but good. I’d like to share some of what I’m learning.
The most important thing I’m learning is to run to my First Love. Time alone has opened my eyes to the desperate hunger I have tried to fill with other people and things. Good things. Gifts from God. My husband, my children, writing, friends. But when God is calling me to Himself, these good things can stand in the way of the Best. These gifts are also only good when they come from God’s hand and not my striving.
I’ve seen that it’s only when my relationship with my First Love is right, that all other loves are safe. Only One Thing is necessary. I’m learning to choose Him above all else.
Another thing the Lord is teaching me in this time is to choose love over lust. I’m learning from the example of others who’ve shared their stories with me and from my own journey. Lust destroys. Love builds. Love values people and shows respect. Love listens to the heart. Love waits. Lust, on the other hand, demands satisfaction now.
It’s not just youth or singles that need to learn the difference either. Married people need this too. Sex is a gift, not a Band-Aid. When we use it as a place to run to make us feel better, it’s lust. It’s filling a need~ not by running to the Lord~ but with something else. That’s idolatry.
Choose wisely.
This time alone in the desert has been a gift and as I’m learning to choose wisely, I’m falling in love with Him. God is speaking tender words here. He is making all things new in my heart. I have drawn nearer to the Lord and cried out to Him. I’ve learned He truly can meet emotional needs as well as physical longing. He is enough. He is love.
I’m also learning to run to God instead of choosing anger. I love my girls so much. Even so, taking care of three children all day, every day is exhausting. I’ve found my temper short and mind too busy to deal with why.
Until my desert stop.
God is showing me how to run to Him in the midst of a crisis and let Him be my strength, my gentle words, and my loving instruction.
He’s also my forgiveness. Instead of hiding behind anger and the wounds of betrayal, God has led me into this desert to experience my need for of the waters of forgiveness. I’m looking in the mirror with no one else to blame for my reactions, and seeing how thirsty I am. And the result has been an open door to restoration and reconciliation.
A door I’m walking through.
At one point last week, I was ready to throw away all the Lord had begun to show me because the hurt was so intense. I thought I would either go insane or shut down completely. Living an emotionless, passionless, lonely life seemed my only option. I chose to fight instead. Not with the person who hurt me, and not with God.
I chose to stand up and fight the fight of faith. I recognized the enemy’s lies and ran to God for the truth.
And He’s answering abundantly ~ over and above what I asked or imagined. He’s leading me to the beach and restoring my soul. He’s healing my heart as well as the damaged relationship.
I didn’t choose the desert. But I am learning that making wise choices wherever I am matters.
Life is about choices.
Anger or grace?
Lust or love?
Hate or forgiveness?
Idols or your First Love?
Remember. Only One Thing is needed.
How will you choose?
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Into the desert
Deserts are not my idea of a wonderful place to visit. I much prefer the beach. ;-) But right now I'm being led into a desert. It's lonely, hot, and the salt of my tears stings.
Did I mention my air conditioning broke last night too?
God does have a sense of humor. ;-)
He also has a loving word to speak to me in this desert. I started to hear it this morning. After days of crying my eyes out and trying to fill the void left in my heart by someone I deeply loved who rejected me, God whispered a reminder of truth.
I picked up Beth Moore's book Praying God’s Word and opened to the chapter entitled “The Insecurity of Feeling Unloved.” There I read the words I’d quoted in a blog not too long ago about The Call of God. “Our need does not constitute anyone else’s call but God’s.” It’s as if Beth penned those words for me and where I am right now. I know God did, whether Beth knew it or not.
God also brought a verse to mind from Hosea 2:14 that I’d recently read in Scotty Smith’s book Objects of His Affection. It says “I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” In this chapter of Hosea God is talking about unfaithful Israel running after her worthless lovers and how God will draw her back to Himself and make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.
See, I’ve been praying for God to show me how to depend on Him, how to look to Him to meet my needs. He’s answering loud and clear. Beth Moore’s quote, the verse from Hosea, and the valley of trouble that has come into my life are all becoming crystal clear reminders that God has good in store for me, even if I have to spend time in a painful desert.
Another quote in Beth Moore’s chapter on feeling unloved says so well what the Lord is doing in my heart. “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.” Oswald Chambers.
I still wish God would take me to the beach instead of the desert.
But in the hot, shifting sands I’m living in, God is still good. I’m clinging to that. He has a good plan. Even when I have to tell my daughters we could be moving. My precious middle daughter said this morning as we talked about what’s ahead and the possibility of me teaching in a school again, “But Mommy, we’re home schooled. I want to be with you and my sisters.” My heart about shattered. If it hadn’t already been broken to pieces, it probably would have burst. I had to explain to myself and to my girls that even though things are happening that we don’t want, we have to trust God has a good plan and He loves us and will take care of us.
Even in the desert.
Other verses from the chapter on feeling unloved in Praying God’s Word helped me get out of bed this morning. I literally need God’s Word to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed 1 John 3:19 “O God, please set my heart at rest in Your Presence.” Then my eyes found these words on the next page, “when troubled times come, you may not know what will befall you, but you can hear the steady pulse of the boundless love of Him who holds you.”
I’m learning to curl up in my heavenly Daddy’s arms… and rest. This is God’s time for me to experience Colossians 2:10, “You are complete in Him.”
I would appreciate your prayers as we journey through this desert. Pray that I’ll not wander forty years like the Israelites, but that I will believe the Truth and choose to abide in the One who knows me best and loves me most. It is God I want to cling to in the desert.
And when He takes me to the beach too.
He did fix my air conditioning this morning. ;-) And He’s mending my heart, drawing me to Him.
That’s right where I want to be.
God is good... all the time... and in every place.
Thank you for praying.
Did I mention my air conditioning broke last night too?
God does have a sense of humor. ;-)
He also has a loving word to speak to me in this desert. I started to hear it this morning. After days of crying my eyes out and trying to fill the void left in my heart by someone I deeply loved who rejected me, God whispered a reminder of truth.
I picked up Beth Moore's book Praying God’s Word and opened to the chapter entitled “The Insecurity of Feeling Unloved.” There I read the words I’d quoted in a blog not too long ago about The Call of God. “Our need does not constitute anyone else’s call but God’s.” It’s as if Beth penned those words for me and where I am right now. I know God did, whether Beth knew it or not.
God also brought a verse to mind from Hosea 2:14 that I’d recently read in Scotty Smith’s book Objects of His Affection. It says “I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” In this chapter of Hosea God is talking about unfaithful Israel running after her worthless lovers and how God will draw her back to Himself and make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.
See, I’ve been praying for God to show me how to depend on Him, how to look to Him to meet my needs. He’s answering loud and clear. Beth Moore’s quote, the verse from Hosea, and the valley of trouble that has come into my life are all becoming crystal clear reminders that God has good in store for me, even if I have to spend time in a painful desert.
Another quote in Beth Moore’s chapter on feeling unloved says so well what the Lord is doing in my heart. “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.” Oswald Chambers.
I still wish God would take me to the beach instead of the desert.
But in the hot, shifting sands I’m living in, God is still good. I’m clinging to that. He has a good plan. Even when I have to tell my daughters we could be moving. My precious middle daughter said this morning as we talked about what’s ahead and the possibility of me teaching in a school again, “But Mommy, we’re home schooled. I want to be with you and my sisters.” My heart about shattered. If it hadn’t already been broken to pieces, it probably would have burst. I had to explain to myself and to my girls that even though things are happening that we don’t want, we have to trust God has a good plan and He loves us and will take care of us.
Even in the desert.
Other verses from the chapter on feeling unloved in Praying God’s Word helped me get out of bed this morning. I literally need God’s Word to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed 1 John 3:19 “O God, please set my heart at rest in Your Presence.” Then my eyes found these words on the next page, “when troubled times come, you may not know what will befall you, but you can hear the steady pulse of the boundless love of Him who holds you.”
I’m learning to curl up in my heavenly Daddy’s arms… and rest. This is God’s time for me to experience Colossians 2:10, “You are complete in Him.”
I would appreciate your prayers as we journey through this desert. Pray that I’ll not wander forty years like the Israelites, but that I will believe the Truth and choose to abide in the One who knows me best and loves me most. It is God I want to cling to in the desert.
And when He takes me to the beach too.
He did fix my air conditioning this morning. ;-) And He’s mending my heart, drawing me to Him.
That’s right where I want to be.
God is good... all the time... and in every place.
Thank you for praying.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
The Dance
There's a line from an article I'm working on that won't leave me alone. It says: Dance. Even when life hurts. It's better than the alternative.
I've talked a lot about dances on this blog and in the youth discipleship group I love leading. The fear dance, The Great Dance, and in my recent article, dancing with diabetes. All of these share a common element of comparing hard things in life to a dance.
One of my favorite songs from college does the same thing. It’s a Garth Brooks song called The Dance. Like the author of this song, I shared a dance with someone that left me alone holding a broken heart. Listen to these lines:
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say, you know I might have chanced it all.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
I know life is not left to chance. But it is better left in the hands of our loving God who knows best. Even when what He decides hurts.
Truth be told, I had no business staying with the guy that left me brokenhearted. God warned me to get out of the relationship and finally showed me the truth I didn’t want to see. But like a lot of painful things in my life, God has proven He truly does work all things for good.
He’s the author of the Dance. My dance. And yours.
There are so many times I’d like to sit this dance out. Like when my diabetes is out of control or when things in my marriage hurt. But if I truly believe God is good, I have to keep dancing, even when life hurts. Why? Because I know from experience God has something to show me. Something good.
I was reading a chapter in my writer’s devotional today on being like Peter, my all-time favorite Bible character. To anyone who knows me well this is no surprise. ;-) I’m so like brash, bold, impetuous, loud Peter. I only hope God has great things in store for me like He did for Peter.
Every time I hang out with my three princesses or my Bible study girls, I know for sure He does. They remind me God has a good plan.
They also help me to remember the dance is worth every step. Even the ones that hurt.
Back to Peter. Here are some of the quotes that hit me so hard as I read today. Quotes that led me to thinking about this dance of life.
“Be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.” 1 Peter 4:7 NIV
“Keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to the God who made you, for He will never fail you.” 1 Peter 4:19
And the final line from today’s devotion: “He has chosen us and will equip us so that, through the words we write and the lives we live, we will effectively be able to ‘show to others how God called [us] out of the darkness into His wonderful light’” 1 Peter 2:9
Those verses challenge me. First to keep my mouth shut when I’m angry so that my rash words don’t bring further damage in a tough situation. Something I’m still learning and failing at more than I succeed. But I’m learning. I’m a glorious mess. God is so getting that point across to me.
Second, those verses challenge me to trust myself to God because He will never fail me. People will. But that’s not an excuse to sit this dance out. To withhold forgiveness. Or to refuse to love.
That’s hard. Hard on a good day and even more difficult when I’m looking at the surrounding storm, watching the waves. And sinking.
Not only is Peter my favorite Bible character, but his story of walking on the waves is also my favorite place to go for encouragement.
God called Peter into that storm and out of the boat.
And even though he started to sink, God was there to rescue Peter.
Me too.
When I listen. When I dance. And more often than that, my awesome Daddy pursues me when I’m trying not to listen and instead working hard to sit things out in disobedience.
I don’t believe I’m alone in that. Peter and I aren’t the only ones that focused on the waves and sank. Right?
Wherever you are, whether enjoying a great dance, or trying to sit one out, please listen closely to the Father’s outstretched hands and love-filled command to “Come.”
You see, He’s playing your song.
Don’t sit this one out. Because when this dance lesson is over, we’ll be dancing for all eternity to the perfect rhythm of grace, in the arms of our Perfect Partner.
So dance. Even when life hurts. It’s worth every step.
I've talked a lot about dances on this blog and in the youth discipleship group I love leading. The fear dance, The Great Dance, and in my recent article, dancing with diabetes. All of these share a common element of comparing hard things in life to a dance.
One of my favorite songs from college does the same thing. It’s a Garth Brooks song called The Dance. Like the author of this song, I shared a dance with someone that left me alone holding a broken heart. Listen to these lines:
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say, you know I might have chanced it all.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
I know life is not left to chance. But it is better left in the hands of our loving God who knows best. Even when what He decides hurts.
Truth be told, I had no business staying with the guy that left me brokenhearted. God warned me to get out of the relationship and finally showed me the truth I didn’t want to see. But like a lot of painful things in my life, God has proven He truly does work all things for good.
He’s the author of the Dance. My dance. And yours.
There are so many times I’d like to sit this dance out. Like when my diabetes is out of control or when things in my marriage hurt. But if I truly believe God is good, I have to keep dancing, even when life hurts. Why? Because I know from experience God has something to show me. Something good.
I was reading a chapter in my writer’s devotional today on being like Peter, my all-time favorite Bible character. To anyone who knows me well this is no surprise. ;-) I’m so like brash, bold, impetuous, loud Peter. I only hope God has great things in store for me like He did for Peter.
Every time I hang out with my three princesses or my Bible study girls, I know for sure He does. They remind me God has a good plan.
They also help me to remember the dance is worth every step. Even the ones that hurt.
Back to Peter. Here are some of the quotes that hit me so hard as I read today. Quotes that led me to thinking about this dance of life.
“Be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.” 1 Peter 4:7 NIV
“Keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to the God who made you, for He will never fail you.” 1 Peter 4:19
And the final line from today’s devotion: “He has chosen us and will equip us so that, through the words we write and the lives we live, we will effectively be able to ‘show to others how God called [us] out of the darkness into His wonderful light’” 1 Peter 2:9
Those verses challenge me. First to keep my mouth shut when I’m angry so that my rash words don’t bring further damage in a tough situation. Something I’m still learning and failing at more than I succeed. But I’m learning. I’m a glorious mess. God is so getting that point across to me.
Second, those verses challenge me to trust myself to God because He will never fail me. People will. But that’s not an excuse to sit this dance out. To withhold forgiveness. Or to refuse to love.
That’s hard. Hard on a good day and even more difficult when I’m looking at the surrounding storm, watching the waves. And sinking.
Not only is Peter my favorite Bible character, but his story of walking on the waves is also my favorite place to go for encouragement.
God called Peter into that storm and out of the boat.
And even though he started to sink, God was there to rescue Peter.
Me too.
When I listen. When I dance. And more often than that, my awesome Daddy pursues me when I’m trying not to listen and instead working hard to sit things out in disobedience.
I don’t believe I’m alone in that. Peter and I aren’t the only ones that focused on the waves and sank. Right?
Wherever you are, whether enjoying a great dance, or trying to sit one out, please listen closely to the Father’s outstretched hands and love-filled command to “Come.”
You see, He’s playing your song.
Don’t sit this one out. Because when this dance lesson is over, we’ll be dancing for all eternity to the perfect rhythm of grace, in the arms of our Perfect Partner.
So dance. Even when life hurts. It’s worth every step.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Glorious Ruins
You've seen them haven't you? Glorious glimpses of the past now in ruins. Places like the Parthenon, the Roman aqueducts, the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Or more modern ones like my husband's desk or my house after a pint-sized birthday party.
Or me.
A pastor friend uses the term "glorious ruins" to describe our human condition. Writers like Scotty Smith and John and Stasi Eldredge expound on this thought with powerful words of how we were created for more and yet we fall far short in our attempts to find Eden in this world.
Instead of reflecting the glory of God, we are glorious messes that make a mess of things every time we try on our two-year-old attitudes and insist, “I’ll do it by my own self!”
Even so, God has a plan and purpose that He is working out in the midst of our messes.
I’m finally starting to get this, but it’s taken a long time and a lot of wrestling with God. See, I’m a lot like the Prodigal’s older brother. I would rather believe I’m not a ruin at all, but that I’m becoming more holy the longer I walk with the Lord.
But the opposite is happening. The closer I get to the Lord, the bigger a mess I see that I am.
Scotty Smith in his excellent, excellent book titled Objects of His Affection speaks about believers in terms that are hard to accept. He calls us an unworthy bride and relates our story to the story of unfaithful Gomer, the wife of God’s prophet Hosea. “As with Hosea’s wife so with God’s people, Israel: Unfaithfulness abounded.” And so it is with us. We chase after other lovers and hide from or forget the Lover of our souls.
In busyness. In making ends meet. In being a good wife and raising good children. In self-improvement. In church work. In just about any thing or activity under the sun.
When we try to find life and love in anything other than God, our relationships and activities become our idols, our other lovers, and merely a means to an end~ making us feel good.
Sounds ugly doesn’t it?
It is.
If we are honest, our attempts to find life apart from God are so very far from the “not too bad” designation we like to put them in. They actually leave our lives in ruins.
Take a hard look in the mirror. What do you see? Do you see tired eyes filled with longings? Me too. I see the mess I’ve made of life by running after many things that left me emptier than when I started.
But before you give up in despair, look again. Do you see the cross? Look closely. If you are a child of the King, He’s with you. Always.
Scotty Smith says it this way, “To see our sins, wounds, idols, and failures apart from God’s grace is simply too much. We will either minimize our condition, thus marginalizing our need of grace, or we will run away in hopeless despair to the arms of a lesser love or to the worship of lesser gods.”
But when we take a redeeming look in the mirror we will see both the seriousness of our sin and the awesome deliverance of our great God. To see both is to be changed.
How do you take a redeeming look in the mirror? Hosea 2:14 gives us a clue, “Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” To really see, God will take us to a barren, lonely place to win our hearts away from the unfulfilling loves we’ve run after. There He will speak His words of love and truth. There we will see the true nature of our idolatry, our sin. And there we will see Him replace the emptiness of our other lovers with His very self.
A line from Scotty’s book brought me up short one day as I read. “Greater love cannot be conceived than God dying for a thankless adulteress.”
Ouch.
That’s me. And that’s my Savior. After a number of recent trips to the desert, I’m learning to look in the mirror and see my sin, my mess, for what it is. At the same time, I’m learning to see it all in light of the cross. It’s paid for. In full.
Even after seeing this truth, there’s another facet of being a glorious ruin that leaves me struggling still. It’s the fact that no matter what I do, there remains more in me in need of change. It’s an ongoing process that won’t end this side of Heaven.
That really bugs me.
I like marking things off my to-do list, completing a project, typing THE END to a manuscript. I like seeing the finish line and crossing it.
Good thing God doesn’t see with my eyes. Instead, He knows He will complete the work He’s begun in me and He isn’t in a race with time to do it.
Even in the midst of this cycle of growth and more necessary growth, God says this, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 43:1-2)
And this, “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
God not only saves us and calls us by name, but He DELIGHTS in us. He rejoices over us with singing. That’s the glorious part. The part of us that dares to grasp hold of this truth and run with it. The part that steps out of the boat, like Peter, and walks on the water.
That’s where I want to be. A little calmer waves, maybe. But right there, doing the “impossible” with Jesus.
For the times when I resemble C.S. Lewis’s quote, “like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily satisfied.” God answers with words that stir my soul to remember.
Words like John Piper’s restatement of a line from the Westminster Shorter Catechism: “The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.”
And so I remember.
I remember the cross.
I remember my Heavenly Daddy’s love for me.
I remember I need Him.
I remember that I’m a glorious mess in the process of living up to that which I’ve already obtained. One day this ruin will be clothed in white and made new. One day.
Until then I try to remember... Only One Thing is needed… choose wisely.
Or me.
A pastor friend uses the term "glorious ruins" to describe our human condition. Writers like Scotty Smith and John and Stasi Eldredge expound on this thought with powerful words of how we were created for more and yet we fall far short in our attempts to find Eden in this world.
Instead of reflecting the glory of God, we are glorious messes that make a mess of things every time we try on our two-year-old attitudes and insist, “I’ll do it by my own self!”
Even so, God has a plan and purpose that He is working out in the midst of our messes.
I’m finally starting to get this, but it’s taken a long time and a lot of wrestling with God. See, I’m a lot like the Prodigal’s older brother. I would rather believe I’m not a ruin at all, but that I’m becoming more holy the longer I walk with the Lord.
But the opposite is happening. The closer I get to the Lord, the bigger a mess I see that I am.
Scotty Smith in his excellent, excellent book titled Objects of His Affection speaks about believers in terms that are hard to accept. He calls us an unworthy bride and relates our story to the story of unfaithful Gomer, the wife of God’s prophet Hosea. “As with Hosea’s wife so with God’s people, Israel: Unfaithfulness abounded.” And so it is with us. We chase after other lovers and hide from or forget the Lover of our souls.
In busyness. In making ends meet. In being a good wife and raising good children. In self-improvement. In church work. In just about any thing or activity under the sun.
When we try to find life and love in anything other than God, our relationships and activities become our idols, our other lovers, and merely a means to an end~ making us feel good.
Sounds ugly doesn’t it?
It is.
If we are honest, our attempts to find life apart from God are so very far from the “not too bad” designation we like to put them in. They actually leave our lives in ruins.
Take a hard look in the mirror. What do you see? Do you see tired eyes filled with longings? Me too. I see the mess I’ve made of life by running after many things that left me emptier than when I started.
But before you give up in despair, look again. Do you see the cross? Look closely. If you are a child of the King, He’s with you. Always.
Scotty Smith says it this way, “To see our sins, wounds, idols, and failures apart from God’s grace is simply too much. We will either minimize our condition, thus marginalizing our need of grace, or we will run away in hopeless despair to the arms of a lesser love or to the worship of lesser gods.”
But when we take a redeeming look in the mirror we will see both the seriousness of our sin and the awesome deliverance of our great God. To see both is to be changed.
How do you take a redeeming look in the mirror? Hosea 2:14 gives us a clue, “Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” To really see, God will take us to a barren, lonely place to win our hearts away from the unfulfilling loves we’ve run after. There He will speak His words of love and truth. There we will see the true nature of our idolatry, our sin. And there we will see Him replace the emptiness of our other lovers with His very self.
A line from Scotty’s book brought me up short one day as I read. “Greater love cannot be conceived than God dying for a thankless adulteress.”
Ouch.
That’s me. And that’s my Savior. After a number of recent trips to the desert, I’m learning to look in the mirror and see my sin, my mess, for what it is. At the same time, I’m learning to see it all in light of the cross. It’s paid for. In full.
Even after seeing this truth, there’s another facet of being a glorious ruin that leaves me struggling still. It’s the fact that no matter what I do, there remains more in me in need of change. It’s an ongoing process that won’t end this side of Heaven.
That really bugs me.
I like marking things off my to-do list, completing a project, typing THE END to a manuscript. I like seeing the finish line and crossing it.
Good thing God doesn’t see with my eyes. Instead, He knows He will complete the work He’s begun in me and He isn’t in a race with time to do it.
Even in the midst of this cycle of growth and more necessary growth, God says this, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 43:1-2)
And this, “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
God not only saves us and calls us by name, but He DELIGHTS in us. He rejoices over us with singing. That’s the glorious part. The part of us that dares to grasp hold of this truth and run with it. The part that steps out of the boat, like Peter, and walks on the water.
That’s where I want to be. A little calmer waves, maybe. But right there, doing the “impossible” with Jesus.
For the times when I resemble C.S. Lewis’s quote, “like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily satisfied.” God answers with words that stir my soul to remember.
Words like John Piper’s restatement of a line from the Westminster Shorter Catechism: “The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.”
And so I remember.
I remember the cross.
I remember my Heavenly Daddy’s love for me.
I remember I need Him.
I remember that I’m a glorious mess in the process of living up to that which I’ve already obtained. One day this ruin will be clothed in white and made new. One day.
Until then I try to remember... Only One Thing is needed… choose wisely.
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