Praying Dangerously January Week 3

There's an idea I've been wrestling with for some time now that I would love to discuss...

What does it mean to live with eternity in mind? 

The idea both thrills and terrifies me. 

Thrills because it means having my focus on Jesus and living in His peace because I know the end of my story - the second I leave this world, I'll be forever in the presence of my holy and loving God. Until then, somehow my life will make sense, and the ugly and the joyful moments will all mix together to create something beautiful. 

It's the somehow that gets me. 

It scares me because unlike church rules there are no boundaries to living this life. It means staying open to whatever God wants me to do whenever He wants me to do it. And trusting Him alone to take care of me. 

I don't know about you, but that blank check kind of living is hard. It's not my first choice. 

I know it's what surrender means- that God is in charge and I'm not. 

But how do you really live that way? At peace like Jesus in a boat in the midst of a storm. 

I feel like I'm living in the eye of a hurricane right now. It's peaceful at this moment, but something more is coming that could capsize my world. It's how I've lived these last few years. 

I want to be at peace and trust God has it all under control. Because His Word says He does. But it doesn't always look like He does. 

Life doesn't make sense.

How do you live with eternity in mind in the midst of a crazy, uncertain world? 

After years of not knowing what tomorrow will bring, I'd really like a life where I know where my next meal is coming from, that I'll have a roof over my head, where my job is secure and pays the bills, where my kids and I are safe,  where I have medical insurance and can afford my insulin, and where I can serve God in a way that brings joy to others and my heart.

But life's not like that. 

It's messy and unpredictable and unknown. 

The reality is we don't know more than we know. 

Does living with eternity in mind mean not focusing on or ignoring the messy unknown but choosing to look higher? To a reality beyond our five senses? To the things that I know are true because God said they are true?

"So we don't look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on the things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:18

What does living with eternity in mind mean?

I hope you'll join me in this dialogue. I want to learn more. You all have so much to teach.

Praying Dangerously January 2014 Week 2

I won't ask for a show of hands for how many people this week prayed our first dangerous prayer- I surrender. Continue Your good work in me. Change me. 

I do want to ask a follow up question related to last week. 

What is your big question to God?

Last week, I listed a lot of questions I've asked or am asking God...

Why? Are You really? Do You care? Do You really? Am I really? Will You really?

This week, I'm asking you... What's your big question to God? And how will His answer change you?

At the core, the big question for me is either Why? or Do I matter? 

I'd love to say my big question to God is what- what do You want me to do, Lord? 

That feels like a more mature, more grounded question. And in some ways it is. It's a great question. 

But I think most of us have to settle some other questions first. 

And those questions are important to God. 

God's Word tells us to come to Him. He can handle our doubts and questions. 

He already knows the deep questions of our hearts. 

So I ask God questions. A lot of questions. Often.

It's no surprise to me that I have three very inquisitive children. I love that...most of the time.

I'm thankful God invites me to come and ask, knock, seek...all of the time. 

Sometimes, however, God asks me to be still. To live with no answers. No game plan. No understanding of my situation and no answer to my why questions. 

I wonder if sometimes the lack of answers changes me more than the answers. 

The silence challenges me to be still and remember what I know.

God is good.

God loves me. Unconditionally. Forever.

God will provide. 

God is for me.

God promises my life has a purpose and He has a plan. 

I also wonder if what changes me most is asking the questions and continuing to ask of God until I find a place of peace in His arms. Answers or not.

So I come. 

Will you? 

Matthew 11:28-29, "Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'"

Praying Dangerously

Change me, Lord. 

Our first dangerous, open-ended prayer. If we are going to see the God of the impossible do what only He can do, we need our eyes and hearts open to see and receive.

I don't know about you, but I have a laundry list of things I know need to change in me before I can really see. 

Questions I don't like to admit I ask. 

And things I'd rather God left alone or changed in other people.

You too?

So maybe before we even start praying for God to change us, we need to get honest about what really needs to change. 

Here's my list of what I'd like God to change in me:

Help me lose ten pounds.

Make me quicker to praise than complain.

Help me see people the way God sees them.

Help me forgive the way God forgives.

Make me not focused on myself but focused on Him and others.

Help me trust Him to do the impossible for me.

Help me believe God really does have a purpose and plan for my life. 

Let me be even more transparent here...under those honest requests are some huge hurts.

God, do You think I'm beautiful? Is that enough?

Why does life hurt so much? Are You really at work in the mess? Do You care?

How do You really see me?

Do You really not see my sin when You look at me? Am I really completely forgiven? I don't deserve it, how is it possible? 

Do You care about all of me, so much that I can rest in Your care and not worry about what I need? 

Do You really love me and not just put up with me because You're God and You sort of have to love me? 

Will You really use someone with my life story to change the world? 

Maybe you've never asked those questions. I hope you haven't. Those questions come from deep hurt, not theological doubt. 

Because even though my head and sometimes my heart knows the truth, and I can quote the Scriptures that answer those questions, there's still a frightened little girl inside who didn't get protected and wonders if there really is that protection available...for me. 

See, I believe without a hint of doubt that God loves my children, my family, my friends, and others with a miraculous, unconditional love. A love that is immeasurably more than can be imagined. 

But me? 

I'm afraid to believe that God loves me like that because that...would change everything.

A love like that  would change how I see myself. Accepted. Cherished. Precious. And in turn how I see and treat others.

A love like that would change how I think and speak, how I see circumstances. 

A love like that would change how I forgive.

In a love like that I would find security that all I need will be provided because God promised. Then I would share that love with others.

A love like that would change....everything.

And it has. 

But there's still more that needs to change. 

Praise God His Word promises, "I am certain that God, who began the good work in you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1: 6

So maybe our first dangerous prayer is better stated...

I surrender. Continue Your good work in me. Change me. 

What about you? What must change in You? How will you pray?

2013 is almost over, and I rejoice that I can put a painful year to rest with the message of Hope that God is working in my life.

Many of you know each year in December God focuses my heart in prayer on a word or phrase for the coming year. My word for 2012 was Family. That was the year my husband left us.

I learned that year what family really is and what the love of children, the love of my parents and siblings, and the love of my Christian family can do.

It can save a heart and pray hope from a flicker into a flame.

My word for 2013 was Faith. And my faith has been stretched and broken and rebuilt throughout an agonizing twelve months of heartbreak.

But God...is faithful.

A bruised reed He won't break. Instead He picks up His bruised and battered little ones and surrounds them with friends who hold them up and believe God for them when they feel like faith is impossible.

In addition to friends and provision and victory, God also stirred in my heart a renewed calling. Many times in the last two years I've felt useless, like the circumstances of my life that were out of my control had stolen any place I could find to serve.

But God...had a plan.

Every tear He captured in His bottle, every pain He held me through, even when I tried to push Him away. He is faithful.

I haven't written much more than lesson plans for my classes for well over a year. I've wanted to, but exhaustion and pain have a way of deadening creativity.

But God...had a purpose for it all.

God was pouring in lessons and prayers and smiles through the tears all along. Then a few weeks ago I sat down and began typing out a book idea. In fifteen minutes, I'd outlined an idea that made my heart sing again. I talked it over with my agent and got the green light to begin a project like nothing I've ever done.

So get ready because you all are a huge part of this project of prayer!

My phrase for 2014 is praying dangerously to the God of the impossible.

I long for 2014 to be a year where we see God do amazing things because we are joining Him in praying for impossible things for all who need the God of the impossible to work in their lives.

Remember... Prayer isn't what you do when you can't do anything else. Prayer is the work.

So let's begin our journey together in 2014 through prayer. The God of the impossible and the God of immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine is inviting us.

1 Thessalonians 5:17  Never stop praying.

John 6:29 Jesus told them, "This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the One He has sent."

Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...

Let's pray and believe in Him and see Him do what only He can do!

Looking Ahead

I'm dusting off my good old blog here and hoping there are still some folks out there listening...

Life in 2012 was hard. There were amazing days, but also very dark, painful days. My word for 2012 was FAMILY. I had hoped and prayed that meant healing of my marriage and my home.

To God, apparently, it meant the opposite of what I prayed. In March, I found out my husband had lied to me about so much of our life together it seemed as if it was all a lie. In fact, it was. He moved out in May and has never looked back, intending to file for divorce.

But what the enemy has meant for evil and destruction, God has used for good. My home is now filled with peace instead of the turmoil addiction brings. My children and I are healing. And there is hope.

Is it still hard? Absolutely. There are tears and wishes for the healing we had all hoped would happen.

But we have learned that even when life is unfair and wrong and painful, God is still very, very good. He loves us with a love no human love can match.

And we have a promise that life here is not what it's all about. We have a forever home in Heaven and that’s where we fix our eyes~ on Jesus, who is preparing a glorious place for us where we will see Him face to face forever.

Even the good in life here pales in comparison.

Our light and momentary troubles are creating for us and in us something far greater than we can imagine. They are growing us up in Christ and showing us that faith is the only way to live.

FAITH is my word for 2013. I really didn't want a new word for the year since the last words have been painful in their being lived out in my life.

But starting with the gift of a beach trip for my children and me over the holidays, we've begun to see that to have faith in God is to hope, to see Him do more than we can ask or imagine.

One clear picture from our trip stands out as a symbol I hold onto for this year. It started at Christmas when my precious kiddos gave me this gorgeous charm bracelet. On it were seven charms~ three depicting my special names for my children, one with three keys because they hold the keys to my heart, a wolf, a globe for missions, and a dolphin.

Now, I love dolphins and we have always enjoyed seeing them when we're at the beach, but they aren't really a favorite animal I'd put on a charm bracelet.

While we were in Daytona Beach, we saw sting rays and tons of birds, but no dolphins. On January 3rd, the day before we were headed home, the four of us were sitting on my bed praying and looking out over the ocean.

I'd just started praying about the stories of faith I'd read in the Bible that morning: Abraham, Hannah, Jehoshaphat, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and how these men and women walked in faith and not fear and God delivered them.

I happened to glance out to the ocean as I prayed and was stopped mid-sentence.

There were dolphins!

A whole pod of them, dancing and leaping in the waves. We just watched and smiled.

Then I realized why God had my oldest include a dolphin charm on my bracelet~ to remind me that to walk in faith is victory. Joyful, hopeful, dancing victory.

We are still walking in the valley of the shadow of death. But as Psalm 23 says, we have nothing to fear because God is close beside us.

With his dancing, leaping, joyful victory in store for us.

And the picture of His beautiful dolphins to remind us to walk in faith with a joy that can only come from Him.

Of Paper Bags, Cucumbers, and God Kisses...

Strange combo of terms in the title, right? Well...grab a cup of lemonade and let me tell you a story.


It all started with a little girl afraid of noise. Public places scared her. People scared her. Then she grew up and conquered that fear. 


She thought she had anyway. But deep inside, she was still afraid- of everything.


Including grocery stores.


She never knew why. Not until things in her life reached a breaking point at home with her husband's addiction and she realized she had to get help for her heart.


She was led by God's great mercy to an amazing trauma counselor. Her last book advance paid for every counseling appointment- to the exact penny. And through every appointment God was present, revealing, healing, showing Himself to be so very good, so very real.


Even as He revealed horrific things from the past. With every memory, every tear (and there were many) God began to heal her mind and her heart. In every painful session, God revealed more and healed more. Childhood physical, verbal, sexual abuse.


Life began to make sense. Fear began to lessen because the people and experiences she feared were in the past- not happening right now.


God provided even more opportunities to see the healing happen. Amazing conversations with family members. Noise-which equaled a beating in the past- began to just be noise. Balloons popped. Kids were kids. And she smiled. 


She even went to the grocery store for the first time in her life and could add prices in her head. Where before, she'd run into the store and try to run out, but couldn't add 6 plus 4 without her insides turning into knots. 


Healing, true, deep, tangible healing was taking place.


Obviously, that she is me. And the last few months have been a roller coaster of pain and joy. Of experiencing real freedom from the chains of the past that bound me. Of healing.


Which brings me to the cucumbers and paper bags...


Money is tight, as it is for all of us, and one of my daughters needed a paper bag for a tea party luminary. I didn't know if we'd have the extra to buy some this week because of unexpected medical bills.


As we were pulling out of our driveway to head to the grocery, a neighbor gave us a gift of Wisconsin cheese- in a paper bag.


I nearly cried. God knew our need and cared that we see clearly His creative, intimate provision. 


While we were at the grocery, we noticed a sign for the first time. A sign that encapsulates grocery shopping and just about everything I'm learning to do as a separated woman raising kids on her own. 


Shop adventurously. 


We are. ;-)


At the store, I couldn't find the cucumbers I needed for this week. But I got "adventurous" and picked up some zucchini squash and started thinking about whether my kids would go for them instead of cucumber.


When I looked down at the package again, I saw "organic cucumber." The only cucumbers in the store.


In my hand.


Once again, God revealed Himself as a loving, present, extravagant God who cares intimately for every need.


I call moments like these God kisses. 


So that's how paper bags, cucumbers, and God kisses go together in my adventure with the Lord. 


Like I told a friend at church last night- when all you have that makes sense in your world is God, you start to see His amazing, intimate, omnipresent love in myriad places...


Even in paper bags and cucumbers. 

Happy 2012!

I love Christmas and the whole holiday season... except when it winds down and the tree is gone and the lights are gone and January blahs set in.

So to combat the letdown, our family has collected a nice amount of snowmen and snowflakes~ mostly handmade creations~ to decorate. And I spend some free time at the computer this week, looking back and praying and dreaming into the New Year.

The last handful of years, I've prayed about a word for the year. Each time, God has given me a wonderful word: Peace. Love. Contentment. Those were the words for the last three years. They heralded in very tough, very painful years of struggle, challenge, and discontentment.

But they also prepared me for what was ahead long before I knew what I'd meet on the path before me. I've learned peace in the midst of career and family chaos. I've learned to love when that word meant a cross. And I've learned to be content when life gave me plenty of reasons to rail against contentment.

Not that I've arrived. I think maybe all the tough lessons are because I'm a little stubborn. Okay, a lot. And that's why such beautiful words have welcomed in such tough days. And such amazing opportunities.

The word for 2011 was Contentment. I've looked back to see last year was a series of medical non-answers, lots and lots of hours spent working on two books, and the reality that God was there in the midst of it all.

I remain hopeful that the word for 2012 will come with some lessons that challenge and stretch me— some of which fall in the category of "good" and not all "painful."

My word for 2012 is Family. Not the word I was looking for, but it fits perfectly with what God has been doing in my life all 2011. After a stressful stretch of almost all workdays, school days, and hospital days, it's time to reorient and rest. It's time to focus in and laugh with the four people that mean more to me than anything. Then focus out and serve. Maybe even do both at the same time.

We had planned to ring in the New Year with a weekend full of family, fun, and friends. We started with a sleepover last night. Then finally starting work on our doll house today—the one we bought last Christmas and dreamed about how we'd have it put together, lights installed, and decorated by this Christmas.

Tomorrow we were headed to the High Museum, out to a favorite restaurant, and then on to a friend’s home to play games and usher in 2012.

But the chorus of coughs and sniffles going on behind me today says God had different plans for our New Year's weekend. I'm praying we can knock what appears to be sinus infections away and still manage to go out to eat.

But if not, we'll definitely be celebrating family and rest by welcoming in 2012 sound asleep. ;-)

So for the healthy ones out there... Enjoy ringing in the New Year a little extra for us, okay? Have a fabulous time laughing and loving and remembering and dreaming.

For those of us not able to carry on with plans as usual... Enjoy ringing in a New Year where God has already gone ahead and is preparing both us and the circumstances around us to see and know that He is God and He is good.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE! May 2012 be a year filled with the love of God, the hope of Christ, and fellowship with the Holy Spirit. And may you be encouraged and strengthened as you receive from God and overflow to all of those around you.

Happy 2012! 

Time for a Vacation

Life's tough. We all experience that. So I did what all wise women do when life heats up to a boil... escape.

Okay, maybe not all of us do that. Some go shopping. Smart ladies pray. (I'm praying someday I'll be one of those smart ones.) I daydream about escape. Especially when my body doesn't cooperate and falls apart, my wonderful children decide today's not the day for wonderful, and writing is akin to swallowing tacks.

In October, I finally stopped daydreaming about escape and took a cruise with my hubby and some writer friends.

It was the best medicine for all that ailed me. God was gracious and gave us this blessing of time away, time with friends, time to float in the huge blue ocean. Time to laugh. Time to think.

I came home realizing yet again, that I need that kind of time more than once a year. If I were rich, I'd cruise three or four times a year. But I'm not rich and I have school to teach, kiddos to love, writing to do, martial arts for needed exercise.

But I do need time with friends, time to laugh, time to just be. And time to hear God before the need to escape kicks in.

I'm not quite sure yet how to do that, but I'm praying and trusting God's not done with the lessons learned on Caribbean waters.

For now, when my health is still a struggle and my kids and I are human and not always wonderful, I think I'll watch these videos (soon to come, they're still upside down and in need of editing) and stare at these photos below... and remember.

God is good.
He delights in His creation~ even me on a bad day and funny, tiny, electric fish in the ocean.
He has a good plan that includes trials and tough days.
He loves me. And you.

Amy, David, and Biggs in Jamaica.





Me snorkeling for the very first time!

Dear friends, Sharon Hinck and Trish Perry. They are two of my favorite authors of all time.

Isn't God amazing! This is a view from the dining room somewhere in the Caribbean.

Cruising with friends is the way to go! So many laughs, learning, and love shared amongst this amazing group of writers.

God is so good! And I'm no longer wishing for an escape. I love being home and my kiddos, and I love being a writer. Still wish I could bring Jamaican deep blue water home with me. ;-)



Answers, finally!

I'm soooo excited! After months of not knowing the extent of damage or cause of my ICU trip in July, I have answers. My pulmonologist reviewed the breathing tests I had today and said my lungs were fine, pretty good in fact. As we discussed numbers from my ICU visit, he admitted I "could have had blood clots that passed quickly."

Yep, God sure did something big in healing me.

In addition, we exchanged ideas about what could have caused these blood clots. He agreed I most likely have sleep apnea and that sleep apnea could cause my higher pulmonary pressure numbers, which in turn could cause blood clots. BUT the pulmonary numbers aren't high enough to warrant a diagnosis now or treatment besides what I already knew to do.

My doc also agreed that staying hydrated and exercising were the best things I could do to remain healthy. That and do a sleep study to prove I have sleep apnea and start using a C-pap.

He also explained the pain I'm still having in my chest. After some poking around and a series of questions, he felt confident the pain was caused by joint damage to my ribs where the rib and cartilage join. He also said to stop the routine of push ups I'd started doing again. Guess hand weights will have to do until my ribs heal.

My best connect the dots for what happened is that a martial arts injury to my shoulder also caused the rib joint damage. That benched me from physical activity. When I don't exercise, I don't drink enough water. Then the night before my ER stay I'd had two cups of coffee and ended up so dehydrated I had no tears even with all the pain. The missing link was the sleep apnea adding to this perfect storm and increasing my pulmonary pressure and thus the blood clots.

But if I stay hydrated, exercise, and start using a C-pap, there's a very good probability I'll stay healthy and no more blood clot worries.

THANK YOU soooo much for praying~ during the ICU visit and all the non-answers and resulting doctor visits with no answers~ you kept us sane and hopeful and as pain free as possible. Thank you all again for praying for healing and for wisdom... and answers. God is so gracious to have given a "Yes" to those requests.

I've lived the power of prayer and I'm forever grateful you all were a part of this journey. Thank You!

Back to Normal... Not

I've experienced the craziest, most pain-filled, most joy-soaked week in my life. It all started with stabbing pain in my chest Saturday at 4 AM. I couldn't breathe well and the pain spread to my shoulders and back, up my neck and into my head. I finally gave up my stubbornness and woke my husband. Then I told him I was going back to sleep.

He insisted we go to the ER.

One of the ICU nurses said if he hadn't forced me to go, I likely wouldn't have woken up the next day.

Long story short, I had another attack just as they were releasing me from the ER that was so much worse than the first. My husband was terrified. I would have been if I could have thought of anything else but the pain.

They sent me for a CT scan that a doctor said was lit up like a Christmas tree with blood clots in my lungs in all four quadrants. No wonder I couldn't breathe. Pulmonary embolism was the diagnosis that earned me a trip to the ICU.

When the pain finally subsided, my kids were terrified along with my husband. So was I. But instead of giving in to fear, my youngest stuck by my side and made me get well cards. She's still making me cards today.

My husband and older two daughters decided to pray instead of worry. My girls prayed with the families of two other ICU patients and encouraged them. Later Saturday night, David heard a code blue in the ICU and noticed a woman crying outside a room near mine. He ended up praying with her when the doctor came out to say her husband had passed away. Had David not been there, she'd have faced that news alone. When the doctor told her of her husband's death, she praised God for her husband's life and the time they had with him. I want to live like that. Please pray for Donna and her two children (10 and 12). God is holding them, but prayer makes a difference that defies explanation.

I know that from experience. Prayers carried us through a long day in the ER, a frightening stay in the ICU, and enabled us to see so many God moments.

In addition to the privilege of praying and watching my family share God's love with strangers, another God touched moment happened on Saturday afternoon in the ICU. My youngest daughter wouldn't leave my side the whole time she was there. But she was freezing. One of the ICU nurses warmed up a blanket, wrapped it around her, and sat her back on my bed. She wasn't even old enough to visit the ICU, but the nurse not only allowed all three of my girls to be with me but took the time to make sure they were comforted and cared for.

The next day, Sunday, I had a second scan done and the doctors were shocked to see my lungs were clear. Their only explanation was that the first CT scan was wrong. My family and I know better. We know God choose to heal me. I went home the next day.

I went from almost dying Saturday morning because of a pulmonary embolism to walking out of the hospital Monday with no blood clots at all. I'm home and so thankful for another day with my precious family.

At the same time my heart is heavy for Donna and her family. Even as we pray comfort for them in their huge loss, I can't forget how she choose to praise God during one of the most difficult and painful moments of her life.

I don't know why God healed me and took Donna's husband home. What I do know is Donna believes God is good. How can I not agree?

Life in my home is back to "normal," and yet it's not. We're keenly aware that my family could be going through what Donna's family is. We won't waste the gift of another day.

Every pain I've struggled with since coming home, another ER visit with no answers, and the normal squabbles of family life remind me that this world is not my home. Even so, each day is a miracle. Each breath is a gift. Thank You God!

Title Help and Something for You

I'm doing a new thing today and praying it will spark some ideas from you creative geniuses out there. Yes, I'm talking to you. ;-)

I found out yesterday I need two new titles for my Mennonite Romantic Suspense books due out in April and October of 2012. So, I'm asking for your help.

I'll post the story blurbs with original titles. The awesome publishing team at Harvest House loved the titles but heard from some bookstore accounts that the titles are overused in the marketplace, so we need something fresh.

Here's where you come in.... please give the information below some prayer and thought and start listing out your title ideas. If I send your title suggestions to my publisher and they pick yours, your name will appear in the acknowledgements with my eternal gratitude and you'll receive a signed copy of the first book when it releases.

Sound good?

Here's a little about the stories:

In Plain Sight


A female police officer’s assistance to a Mennonite runaway forces her into the middle of an escalating battle between two communities and the big city violence she left behind.

Nowhere to Run

Hiding among the Mennonite community fails to protect a female police officer and places everyone she loves in the crosshairs of a dangerous stalker.

I can't wait to see your creative genius! Thanks so much for helping.

The Art of Sacrifice

God has a sense of humor. Sometimes I say this with a smile, sometimes it's a bittersweet reality. Right now I'm living in the latter part of that sometimes.

I've recently finished my first contracted novel of this year and turned it in, then turned right around and started working on my second book. This is not optimal writing time, but it was a gift and opportunity straight from God.

When I first began this writing journey, I wrote a book about forgiveness thinking I knew what I was talking about and it would be easy.

I'm pretty sure God chuckled.

I can now join Him in that because I learned the hard way that there is nothing easy about writing, especially when God uses your book to teach you a deeper truth. A truth that's sometimes painful.

I can laugh now because I see what God did in my heart, my life, and my work, and in retrospect it was worth every tear. God brought beauty from pain and joy from despair. He also created books that I'm proud of and that He used to touch hearts and draw people into a place of healing.

You'd think after a number of subsequent books I'd learn. Apparently, I'm still in kindergarten.

You see, I've tried to write books about chocolate and friendship. God closed that door.

I tried to write the first book of this new series without really bleeding on the pages. God said no.

So I did what most kindergarteners do, I pouted and tried the whole, "I'll do it by my own self!"

Yeah, I know. You all had no idea how mature I could be. ;-)

God is a perfect parent and thankfully doesn't laugh at me nor leave me to my own devices and plans. He's wooed me slowly and subtly and in some not-so-subtle ways regarding the next lesson.

I thought book two was going to be about fear, what happens when faith fails. God allowed me to go forward on that premise but then started putting books in my path that challenged me to go deeper.

So I started playing around with the idea that maybe this book was about sacrifice versus selfishness and how God can use both. Maybe even that there's a deeper picture, an echo of the real life we're called to live. There's a part at the end of the novel that is clearly a huge spiritual and physical sacrifice so it meshes nicely with this idea.

But that wasn't enough. God had to make it personal.

First my pastor had to go and talk about how we are called to a life of death, the way of the cross, to lay down our wants and rights and plans without a fight for the cause of Christ. For something bigger than ourselves. Sacrifice. To follow Christ means to follow Him in death, so that life, real life, is what He lives through us.

Then I read in Sacred Parenting this morning a line that laid my selfishness bare. "While we find it easy to 'open up' a spiritual gift, it's not so easy to lay one down on God's behalf."

Ouch. That stepped all over my best laid plans for a book that didn't require my blood, sweat, and tears.

There were hopes and dreams I had for this section of my journey that I'm having to lay down. One of those is a story that didn't turn my world sideways and pound my heart to pieces.

But even as I wrote about this in my journal this morning, I realized there was a purpose. I may not always get to see the reason God asks me to lay something down, but I can trust His heart.

He's never taken me through the fire for nothing. A book with fire in it that has God's fingerprints and my tear stains all over it is a gift. A sacrifice of love to a God who's given me everything.

An opportunity to fly in the face of "normal" and easy and instead choose an adventure that will change me, grow me, and draw me deeper into Christ.

This call to sacrifice is hard. It's death. I didn't ask for it. I don't often want it. But it's the call of the cross and the Christ of the cross. To lay it all down without a fight or a two-year-old pouting session and trust the heart of the One who walked this path first into a horrific death and life-giving resurrection.

There is an art to this call of sacrifice. A surrender full of grace and peace and hope. A trust like Job's that says though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.

I just happened to look up to the left of my monitor to see a writing verse God impressed on my heart four years ago: 2 Samuel 24:24 "I will not sacrifice to the LORD my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing.”

I think God is chuckling again. This time I'm joining Him at the beginning.

Listen Up!

Lately God has been doing something I've never experienced before. And it's happened so often, it's almost funny.

My girls think so. I'm not so sure.

It all started with a normal activity: reading a book. It's a wonderful book, but I've read it off and on for a while now. So I didn't think much of it, except that what I read was a good thing to remember.

Here's a highlight from Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas: "Viewing ourselves as ancestors as well as descendants represents a vitally important spiritual transformation. The sacred journey of parenting changes our perspective. We travel from 'me' to 'us,' from individual to family, and we begin to understand the difference we can have on future generations.... Sacred parenting calls us to focus our brief lives on what will create the most impact for future generations."

See, great writing, great way to start with day with my kiddos.

So we get ready, eat breakfast, and then read from a book we're studying as a family. The book is another John Ortberg book, When the Game is Over it all Goes Back in the Box.

He's talking about life rules and the biggest lesson life has to teach is "the absolute necessity of arranging our life around what matters in light of our mortality and eternity."

I don't know about you, but I got a little shivery and wondered what exactly the Lord was trying to tell me.

This message being repeated happened again on the same day. This time it was about speaking words of life. I'd read in Ephesians 4:15-16, 29-32 and then opened a prayer book and was surprised to see the theme of the prayer was about learning to speak life.

I told the girls later I felt like I was living one of Jesus' parables where He spoke saying, "Verily, verily I say to you..." In other words: Listen Up!

We talked about how when God speaks, we should listen. And when God repeats Himself, we should pay close attention- VERY close attention.

I have to be honest here. I didn't think much about these two things as the busyness of our homeschooling day took off and we had martial arts class that night. In fact, I ended up in bed exhausted by eleven. I seldom see my pillow until one or one-thirty in the morning.

So God in His infinite wisdom and grace saw that I needed another dose of His verily, verily.

This day, the girls and I read in the devotional 101 Cups of Water about fearing pain. "The truth is, I have perfect circumstances today because the Architect of my circumstances is perfect and does all things well. What I have today is exactly and precisely what I need- not necessarily what I want, but certainly what I need. And that's the point: sometimes pain is what I need."

We read in Romans 5:1-4 about rejoicing in suffering because suffering produces perseverance and perseverance produces character and character, hope.

Unlike most days, we then read a second, totally unrelated devotional called A Woman's Path to Inner Beauty by Ginger Garrett. This has been a wonderfully encouraging devotional, one I'd encourage every Christian woman to spend some time reading and relishing.

Today's devotion was, you've probably already guessed, about finding God in the darkness. I loved this part, "We fear what lurks in the night. We fear the loss of goodness and hope. But in truth, God uses darkness to create, to call forth new life, to astonish us with His creative passion."

Ginger also talked about how Leonardo Da Vinci masterfully used shadows and darkness to focus the viewers' eyes on the light, to make light brighter.

We mulled over how darkness and suffering are tools in God's hands, for our good.

And one of my girls said, "Isn't this the second time God has repeated Himself to you? You'd better listen up, Mommy." She said it with a smile and in love, but it got my attention.

Later that day, a thorny issue arose. And in the midst of it, I cried out to God about how I've never been able to overcome my anger in this situation and I had no idea why He kept putting me in the same situation day after day but didn't show me how to change my attitude and my words.

I know, I'm a bit of a blockhead sometimes. Thus, God repeating Himself.

All the sudden, God whispered the word "Forgiveness," and I got it. The past few days' repeated messages all flooded back and I saw that God had prepared me for this very moment. To view it in light of eternity, to build up with my mouth and not tear down, to see how He uses suffering and darkness to mold us and make us more like Him.

I got up from that prayer and mended a relationship and loved someone dear to me in a way I hadn't been able to before. It became a sacred moment.

In a powerful way, God showed me how to run to Him and see His Word and His teachings come to life.

I'm pretty sure God smiled. Even though He had to repeat Himself a few times. Okay, more than a few.

All this to say, when God repeats Himself...Listen Up! He has something important to show you. It could matter more than you know.

A Well-Ordered Heart

You know the saying, "When you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all." Well... I finally have some good things to share and some thoughts on a FANTASTIC book titled The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg.

First the good news... my sister has been home from the hospital for almost a month. God showed up in mighty ways and my sister who wasn't supposed to leave the ER for months went home two weeks after you all started praying for her and my family. That's the power of prayer! Thank you all sooo much for praying and sending cards. You were the hands, feet, and encouragement of Christ to my family.

More good news...Earlier this month, I signed a contract with my new publishers - Harvest House - for a two book romantic suspense series launching Feb/March of 2012. So those of you looking for a new book... it's coming! ;-) Keep praying. ;-)

Now for some book musings. This morning my daughters and I finished a chapter in the book The Life You've Always Wanted, and I couldn't shake the thought, "I should blog about this."

So here I am. I hope to make a sustained habit of it. ;-)

John Ortberg says, "There is a quest worthy of our devotion. It is the quest for what might be called a well-ordered heart."

Augustine suggested a well-ordered heart is to "love the right thing, to the right degree, in the right way, with the right kind of love."

To pursue a well-ordered heart, Ortberg talks about Colossians 3:17, "Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

Then he asked some questions that sent my mind whirling.

"What would it mean for us to wake up in Jesus' name?" My answer, probably not the pillow over my head groan that usually greets my alarm clock.

"What would it mean for us to drive in Jesus' name?" I read this question and my children giggled. Then they told stories to each other about how I fuss at slow drivers and don't have a good attitude and how I talk to people on the road who can't hear me. They each have a favorite story they tell in between peals of laughter. I won't repeat them here. You'll have to ask my kids sometime, because I'm not sure what they're talking about.

"What does it mean for us to watch TV in Jesus' name?"

This question resulted in a long discussion. I tend to watch crime shows on TV and explained to my kids how I watch them because I love the justice that's inherent in those types of shows. But their question was, "Do they scare you?"

They know all too well that there are nights I come up from my office after having written a suspense scene or after having watched one of my favorite shows and my heart is racing and I'm sure some sniper outside has a bead on me.

They think it's funny. I guess the way I tell is. But is that watching TV in Jesus' name? I have to admit, I don't think so. That fear doesn't cause me to love Jesus more or depend on Him. It just makes my imagination run wild to places it shouldn't go.

However, I don't think it means I give up all TV. For me, watching TV in Jesus' name means inviting Jesus to watch with me and listening to His thoughts about what I'm viewing. If something is presented that the Bible speaks against, I turn the TV off. But if not, I think Jesus cheers when justice prevails. I certainly do.

What does it mean to do household chores in Jesus' name? How do I work in Jesus' name?"

These two questions hit home too. Ortberg said in response to chores, "To respond in Jesus' name would mean reflecting on how fortunate I am to have a nice place to live. It would mean recognizing that this task can help me remember that I am not the Messiah, and the earth won't stop spinning if I have to take some time out to fix something."

My girls just said, "Oh. Yes. I need to think like that." Me too.

Ortberg's comments on work, for the girls: school, were insightful. He talked about how to work in Jesus' name involves viewing people as people, to treat them with kindness, maybe even to say a prayer for each person we encounter.

The conclusion we came to was that having a well-ordered heart means we have to be intentional about how we think and act. We have to be quiet more and prayerful more and focused on us less. We also discussed how we can't do this in our strength or determination.

We need Jesus. After all, it's in His name, in His character, by His strength we're to live.

So how would you do life "in Jesus' name?" What would you do differently than you have been doing?

Hurting with those who hurt

My younger sister, Heidi, has had a tough seven months. She got married in May of 2010 to her high school sweetheart—the only good thing in a series of life-threatening things. Then a few weeks later, she had the first of three brain surgeries.


She almost died after the first one.

Then she had an elective surgery and the surgeon nicked her intestines, causing her entire thoracic cavity to become infected in addition to septicemia, an infection of the blood.

She’s been in ICU since a few days after the surgery in January. The last update we received from my mom was hopeful. An ICU nurse said there was an antibiotic to treat the antibiotic resistant infection my sister was suffering from.

The nurse lied. 

What she did may have seemed like a kindness, but it wasn’t. It gave false hope. It got my mom’s spirits up, only to be crashed a week later when there were more pockets of infection found and she heard the truth about how no antibiotics can help my sister.

The doctors have no idea how long Heidi will be in the ICU or if she’ll ever leave.

I’m telling you all this to ask you to do something differently than one of my sister’s nurses did. I’m asking you to hurt with the hurting right now in a way that will give true hope and peace.

Please pray for my sister, her husband and son, my mom, and my family. I’m five hundred miles away and feel helpless. But I know we’re not. Prayer is powerful and can change everything.

If you want to go a step further and comfort someone who is struggling and afraid, below is an address for my sister. We’ll be sending some cards to cheer her up and let her know we’re praying. Would you consider doing that too?

Heidi Little
Baptist Hospital East, room 337 ICU
Louisville, Ky. 40207

Thank you for listening. Thank you for praying. We appreciate that more than words can express.

Weakness and Strength

I finally know why 2010 was such a difficult year. But the answer isn't encouraging... it's scary.

I spent a few hours yesterday in a new endocrinologist's office to learn that the explanation for all the injuries, severe muscle fatigue/pain I live with, and the lack of concentration has a name. Grave's disease.

There's no great treatment for this auto-immune disease either. I could have my thyroid removed. Or have radioactive iodine treatment to kill my thyroid. Or take pills that could possibly cause hypothyroid, a condition I've experienced that made getting out of bed all but impossible.

I spent last night crying. I live with diabetes, another auto-immune disease that makes life a challenge. But I've done things my doctors said I could never do. I've given birth to three beautiful and healthy children. I've lived complication-free a decade longer than they said I should. I've kept my eyesight.

And I've known for a long time it wasn't anything I did, but the grace of a loving God that enabled me to live and do more than survive.

That same God has been graciously close to me today. He started by showing me verse after verse in the Bible where God uses the weak things to show His glory and strength.

These verses were a direct response to the pain I got out of bed with this morning.

God was near when I talked to my children about Grave's disease and answered questions about what happens next.

The reality is I don't know. I could go into remission and possibly be free of injury and muscle weakness and dogging fatigue.

Or not.

But God spoke clearly this morning to my heart. I can live in fear and push beyond my abilities to accomplish what needs to be done.

I can despair and give up.

Or I can lean into God no matter what the circumstances and experience how the joy of the Lord is my strength.

I think I'll choose option three.

What's in a Word for 2011

Every year about this time I start peering into the future and pondering what God sees in me that needs some adjusting. Often, as I pray, a word or group of words rises to the top and becomes the focus of my thoughts.

Then I look back over the past year and what God has already done.

2010, by all accounts, was a difficult year. We were sick a lot and so was our checkbook. But the word God kept bringing to mind helped me focus on what really matters. Every time God reminded me of our 2009 Christmas reminiscing, peace seeped in and He empowered me to live this word and make better choices than in years past. The word was LOVE.

When God first whispered that word, I thought He was going to teach me more about His love and how to love others better. What happened instead were many opportunities to see how frail and fallible human love is: both in giving and receiving.

What also unfolded last year was learning to appreciate evidences of God’s perfect love in the small imperfect expressions that are often overlooked: a silly card handwritten backwards by a beginning writer, a series of  “just one more” hugs as I’m running out the door, a quiet hour of dreaming about the future with my husband.

This year God whispered a word for 2011 early: CONTENTMENT. And He has already begun opening my eyes to how vital this word is.

We’ve been sick since October with one thing after another. We've been injured more this year than any other. And we've tightened the belt on spending, even during the holiday season. No vacations. No big expenses unless we had earned extra dollars.

It wasn't fun at all.

During one very sleepless, sick, and frustrating week, I was unleashing my inner two year old on God and begging Him for health and other various, self-centered requests. God simply said, "Contentment."

I can’t say I was thrilled. In fact, I got even more two year oldish for a while.

But then I started looking at the circumstances through His eyes…

Every bump and bruise in life is an opportunity to depend on God more...

To listen deeper...

To grow wiser...

To trust more...

To be thankful, even when life hurts.

Every time God and I did the two year old versus contentment dance, I came out with a bruised ego and a bigger heart.

I caught a glimpse of how much better life can be with my hand in God's instead of my foot stomping.

I have no doubt God is just getting started teaching me about contentment. But for the first time, I'm beginning a new year excited about what God is up to because I've already seen Him at work.

Contentment.

Two thousand eleven is already looking better and better.

What about you? What has God taught you in 2010? What might He be teaching you in 2011? There's so much focus and strength... even excitement summed up in a word that God whispers to your heart.

So what is God saying to you? What's your word for 2011?

More Festive Fun

For your yuletide pleasure, here's another Christmas game my whole family enjoys.

This time your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to become a holiday wordsmith and figure out the names of popular carols. I'll post the answers in the comments section, so check back and let me know how you did!

1. Bleached Yule

2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a conflagration

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors

4. Righteous Darkness

5. Arrival Time was 2400 hrs~ Weather was Cloudless

6. Loyal Followers Advance

7. Far off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridor

9. Bantam Male Percussionist

10. Monarchial Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers

13. Man in Red En Route to Borough

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermilion Proboscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for this Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Merry Christmas!!!

Festive Fun

The decorations are up, the baking is done, the Christmas cards are in the mail. Now it's time to relax and have some holiday fun.

I thought you all might join me.

First up is a short list of scrambled carols. I'll post the answers tomorrow. Don your holiday Santa hat and see how well you do...

1. Glijen Slebl

2. Linste Githn

3. Het Strif Leno

4. Leshig Erid

5. Racol fo eth eblsl

6. Tiwern Nowlardend

7. Ew Erhet Gksin

8. Yosfrt het Wosmnan

Along with the chuckles, I wanted to share a Christmas thought that has me contemplating this season in a new light...

1 Corinthians 13, Christmas Version

If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator.

If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtimes but do not show love to my family, I'm just another cook.

If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.

If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.

Love stops the cooking to hug the child.

Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband.

Love is kind, though harried and tired.

Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.

Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way, but is thankful they are there to be in the way.

Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return, but rejoices in giving to those who can't.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust.

But giving the gift of love will endure.

Merry Christmas!!!

Thankful for What?

Have you ever been thankful for your shortcomings? The areas in which you struggle? Strange questions, I know, especially when tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we're focused on all the good things we have to be thankful for.

One of our church members asked the questions I'm asking you and it stopped me in my pre-holiday tracks. Be thankful for financial struggles, selfishness, immaturity? I battle every day not to give into what I know will destroy me.

I've never thought about being thankful for those things.

But I never struggled with anything, how would I know the goodness of the only One who seeks after a prodigal child and runs to him or her?

If I never struggled, how would I experience the grace and forgiveness of God? The compassion that I can do nothing to deserve, the forgiveness that can't be earned, the grace that is poured out when we've done nothing to merit it?

How do we intimately know God rescues us out of the darkest pits unless we've been in one?

I don't know about you, but I don't have to invent pits or problems. I can name my weaknesses, my sins, my failures.

I can't say I'm thankful for them either. I'd rather be mature, responsible, gentle and, well... better.

I am thankful those sins and weaknesses were all nailed to the cross and I don't have to atone for them.

I'm thankful those deep pits and black problems have forced me to my knees to experience God in ways I would have missed unless they were all I had.

I'm thankful these things I struggle with here on earth won't follow me to heaven.

I'm thankful that God has delivered me from sins that easily entangled me decades, months, days ago. And He promises to continue the good work in me and in you until the day we're face to face with Him forever.

I'm thankful I've had to struggle. It's made me human. It's made me face how desperately I need God. It's made me see how small I am and how infinitely big and powerful God is.

He is our reason for thanks giving. He knows we are but dust. He knows every sin, every thought, every dark pit we've faced....

And He loves us still.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." 1 Chronicles 16:34



Psalm 107

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

his love endures forever.


2 Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—

those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,


3 those he gathered from the lands,

from east and west, from north and south.


4 Some wandered in desert wastelands,

finding no way to a city where they could settle.


5 They were hungry and thirsty,

and their lives ebbed away.


6 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,

and he delivered them from their distress.


7 He led them by a straight way

to a city where they could settle.


8 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for mankind,


9 for he satisfies the thirsty

and fills the hungry with good things.


In all things, whoever you are and whatever you've done or not done...give thanks to the Lord. He is good. His love endures forever.

Giving thanks... for the good, the struggles, and everything in between,

Amy