Today I celebrate my middle princess~ it’s her fifth birthday!!! She is a light in our home and joy to my heart. My musical laughter. Early in her life I recognized the amazing gift God had given me in this precious bundle of energy—this little one who continues to teach me to laugh and hear the music of God’s heart through her. Her name means “God’s gracious poetic blessing.” And she is. She is. You should hear her laugh; it’s heavenly music to my soul.
Today I also celebrate something else. I celebrate freedom. All three of my girls have taught me how vital freedom is and how it’s worth the fight to experience it. Their hearts are worth fighting for my freedom from the enemy’s lies so that I can show them the path of life, the joy of walking intimately with the Lord. God has been doing an amazing work in my heart, bringing together much I’ve learned in the past to a huge crescendo of freedom. Of healing.
Where to start? I suppose a good place to begin is with a book God is using to revive my heart. The title is Captivating and it’s written by John and Stasi Eldredge.
The book and their ministry, called Ransomed Heart, are both worth checking into. Here’s a quote from their web site introduction:
“Life is a Story. This is true for every soul.
It is a love story, we assure you. But it is set in the midst of a life and death battle. That is why it seems so hard.
The story of your life is the story of the journey of your heart through a dangerous and beautiful world. It is the story of the long and sustained assault on your heart by the enemy who knows who you could be and fears you. But it is also the story of the long and mysterious pursuit of your heart by the God who knows you truly and loves you deeply.
As we live through the pages of this story many questions arise. Who am I…really? Where will I find life…really? And, What is it God wants from me? We know those questions well, for we have lived them ourselves. And we offer here something of the beautiful answers we have found.”
Please take some time to check out their site. It’s so worth the read.
I second their comment about knowing those questions well. Who am I? Why am I here? Do I make a difference? And as a woman, am I beautiful? Do you see me? Do I matter?
I, like Job, don’t get the whys of pain and suffering and I cry out to God for answers. I’ve also read the last few chapters of Job. Sometimes I wonder if putting my hand over my mouth is a better choice than demanding answers. ;-) God is God. He measured the depth of the sea and He knows the number of hairs on my head. Maybe I should just let Him run the universe and learn to trust He knows what’s best.
But the questions won’t go away, won’t be silenced. As I’m still on my desert journey, having all I’ve depended on stripped away, I’m starting to see how much I’ve taken those questions to the wrong people. And the mess I’ve made of things by doing that. I’ve looked to my parents and then to my husband to answer my deepest questions: Do you see me? Am I beautiful? Do I matter?
In their wounding, their grasping for someone to answer their questions, they’ve each answered my questions with a painful, “No.”
In Captivating, Stasi Eldredge addresses the issue that this validation, the answer to our questions, the “yes” that we long for, is the driving force of our lives. All too often we go to the wrong places for our answers, demanding human beings to answer the questions only God is qualified to answer.
Through this book, God has again extended His hand to me amid the crashing waves of my life and invited me to, “Come.”
Ask my questions.
Listen to His answer.
His hand is extended to you too. Look up, away from the waves.
Come.
Here’s a taste of what I’m learning, what God has brought together for me today. It’s a simple truth that packs so much power. Here goes…
The path to healing has three interwoven parts: body, soul, and spirit. All three need to be addressed if we’re to experience the abundant life God has set us free to experience.
The aspect of body can be addressed in many ways. In simple terms, it means taking care of yourself. I talk about this in depth in the post The Place of Grace.
Eldredge adds another point to taking care of our bodies in the process of healing. That of medication. I know a lot of people shut down and get defensive about this topic. I’m not going to step into that battle here. But I do ask that as you keep reading, pray. If medication is not a way God is using to help you, be aware it is a way He is helping many. Yes, it can be abused. But it can also be used responsibly. For example, I’m diabetic. If I don’t take insulin, I die. No one questions my use of medicine to help my body do something it stopped doing on its own. I think we can give the same grace to people whose bodies don’t produce or balance certain chemicals well.
But this isn’t the only aspect to the path of healing. All three are necessary.
The next aspect is our soul. The focus here is our heart, getting with God and addressing the wounds and lies we’ve allowed to define us. It can include a godly counselor, as in my husband’s case. He is seeing a godly man who’s trained in sexual addiction who can help him walk through all that his healing entails. For our marriage this aspect was so lovingly spoken to through the Marriage Intensive we attended in March. There we learned some amazing tools to help us walk further down the path of healing: how to recognize our fears and how to take responsibility for dealing with our hearts by talking to God and asking Him what the truth is. My blog posts titled The Fear Factor and Borrowed Hope go in depth on these and more of things we learned.
This aspect of healing is also where we learn to take our questions to God. Ask Him what He says about you. According to His word, He has answered your deepest questions with a resounding, “YES!” He is the God who sees you (Genesis 16:13), listens to you, knows you best, and loves you most. He has called you by name (Isaiah 43:1), created you with specific gifts (1 Corinthians 12:7), and called you His beloved child. You do matter, you are beautiful, and you were created for a good purpose.
Spend some time here. God has so much good to say to you and about you.
The third aspect is our spirit. This is where spiritual warfare is addressed. There are some wonderful books that have helped me understand the what, why, and how of the fight of faith we are called to in Scripture. They are: Waking the Dead by John Eldredge, Praying God’s Word by Beth Moore, and Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.
Here are some specific Scriptures worth studying as you look into this dimension of healing:
1 Peter 5:8-9 “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.”
James 4:7 “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
Ephesians 4:27 “and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Luke 10:18-19 are Jesus’ words concerning the disciples he sent out, “I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."
Ephesians 6:10-18 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”
“That whole Ephesians passage about putting on the armor of God… He meant it. We would need it.” Stasi Eldredge.
We do. More than we sometimes realize.
In Waking the Dead, Eldredge speaks of how the stories of our lives are part of a much larger Story, an epic battle, an adventure of mythic proportions. Some days I believe that and experience the thrill of discovery by walking with God and seeing His amazing work in my life. On other days I let laundry, bills, and family problems weigh me down so that the only adventure I face is how soon can I crawl into bed and be done with the day.
There are three eternal truths Eldredge outlines that, when I consider them, help me remember the adventure I was created for and cause my heart to beat with hope. They answer a lot of life’s whys.
Eternal Truth Number One: Things are not what they seem.
I wonder if Job ever knew the battle in the heavenly realm that just looked like pain and random destruction to him on earth. In the same way, I often wonder if I’ll ever grasp that God can and does work all things together for good. I struggle with that when the road is rough and I see no way out of the pain today holds. It helps to remember that what I can’t see is more real than what I see with earthly eyes.
Eternal Truth Number Two: This is a world at war.
Not only do physical wars rage on all over this globe, but there is also a daily battle in the unseen realm that affects every believer, every day. Like Aragorn in Lord of the Rings said, “Open war is upon you whether you’d risk it or not.” The choice is not whether we will engage in this war, but if we will fight the right battle.
Eternal Truth Number Three: You have a crucial role to play.
God created you with a unique blend of personality, gifts, talents, and experiences. What He can do through you is specific to you. (Ephesians 2:10)You are an important person in God’s great Story.
Ephesians six adds some important information on how we play out our crucial role: in the armor God supplies, with His strength, because the battle has already been won. We must stand firm and apply it.
Where Waking the Dead compelled my heart to see beyond the reality of my five senses, Praying God’s Word gave me the tools to fight this unseen battle. Beth Moore takes an honest and enlightening look at our two offensive weapons: The Sword of the Spirit, God’s Word, and prayer. She teaches how to wield them effectively in the destruction of strongholds. In each chapter she covers a specific stronghold, from pride and the insecurity of feeling unloved, to food-related strongholds and depression. This is a book I use over and over because the scripture prayers in each section are the Word of God laid out in a way I can use them to stand firm in the truth.
There are numerous books that speak to this issue of spiritual warfare and offer prayer examples. Neil Anderson’s books The Bondage Breaker and A Way of Escape, as well as Stormie Omartian’s Praying Parent are some that have been very helpful to me.
The last book I mentioned in the list of wonderful books God has used to teach me about spiritual warfare was Captivating. This book has helped me go deeper in my understanding of how I enter this battle as a woman.
I’d like to offer a few quotes from Captivating that have inspired me today as I shared them with my girls and as I’ve seen God work through them in my own walk with Him.
In regards to standing against the enemy and commanding an evil spirit to leave: “This can feel a little weird at first, talking to the air and saying stuff like, ‘I bring the cross of Christ against you. In Jesus’ name I command you to leave.’ Sometimes you have to be firm and pray several times. As Peter said, ‘firm in the faith.’ But leave it does.”
“Often the hardest person to fight for is… yourself. But you must. Your heart is needed. You must be present and engaged in order to love well and fight on behalf of others. It is time to take a stand and to stand firm. We are at war. You are needed.”
“We need to grow in our understanding and practice of spiritual warfare not only because we are being attacked but because it is one of the primary ways that we grow in Christ.” I would add, that we not only grow in our faith, but also in our understanding of how big and powerful our God really is.
“Women warriors are strong, yes, and they are also tender. In fact, offering a tender vulnerability can only be done by an incredibly strong woman, a woman rooted in Christ Jesus who knows whose she is and therefore knows who she is. Offering our hearts wisely, living in the freedom of God’s love, inviting other to rest, alluring those in our lives to the heart of God, and responding to the heart of God in worship are some of the most powerful ways that a woman wars for her world. But she also puts on the full armor of God daily and takes her immovable stand against the powers of darkness.”
“Your life is a Love Story set in the midst of a life-and-death battle. The beauty, the adventure, the intimacy—they are what are most real. But it is a battle to gain them and a battle to keep them. A battle for your own heart and a battle for the hearts around you. ‘The Lord is a warrior, the Lord is his name’ (Ex 15:3). Jesus fights on your behalf and on behalf of those you love. He asks you to join him.”
In seeing spiritual warfare as a dimension of healing, I’ve seen the Lord take me even further on this journey to healing. It’s amazing. I’m enjoying a taste of freedom today. I believe God has created me for a good purpose. He loves me. And He says I am His and I am beautiful. I fight as His dearly beloved child the battle He has won, called me into, and fights for and with me.
This is abundant life.
A life worth celebrating.
Even more than I celebrate five wonderful years with a child who is a joy to my heart, God celebrates you.
Come.
Ask Him your questions. Let Him lead you in the path of healing. And listen to His answers.
It’s worth the fight.
Remember… In Christ you’ve already won.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Stones of Remembrance
Yesterday we celebrated the birth of our nation. It's one of my favorite holidays as I'm an Army brat and fiercely patriotic. Mostly because words stir my soul and the words of our Founding Fathers never fail to bring tears to my eyes. Also because I've seen those words in action, seen the lives of men and women committed to God and to our country. Men and women willing to give everything to serve.
We spent time yesterday morning singing patriotic songs, reading poems, praying for our nation and our military, and reading the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights... we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."
Words like that remind me of the sacrifices I've seen as a third generation military dependent. My grandfather gave his life for this country. My father served in Desert Storm. I've seen what our military fights for~ freedom. And I’ve seen what we fight against. Tyranny. The control of a people by one not concerned with meeting the basic needs of those people. I’ve seen the result of freedom's absence in the hollow, longing eyes of an old woman begging for a taste of bread, knowing she could die for simply asking us for help. That look is something I will never forget.
I’ve had that look. The emptiness of bondage. The hopelessness that life as I know it is nothing but pain. But I’ve also tasted Freedom. And that I can’t forget either.
Last Saturday was a special day of Independence for me, a day where I experienced anew the glorious Freedom that is mine. A Freedom I too often forget.
I spent the weekend at a friend’s camp in North Carolina. Early Saturday morning I hiked up an overgrown trail that led to an eighty-foot waterfall. But God had me stop by a smaller waterfall and spend the rest of my hiking time with Him. That was one of the best choices I have ever made.
The sky was a sapphire blue, the sunlight danced on the rushing stream at my feet. Surrounding me were brilliant greens and beneath me hundreds of stones. I listened to the roaring water and felt my soul relax.
Psalm 42:7 says, “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls.” Though I didn’t make it to the eighty-foot one, I didn’t need to. My little waterfall filled my ears and my heart. As I pondered this verse, I realized why being near the water is so important to me. It’s where I most hear the Lord. Where the roar of the water reminds me of His greatness, and its gentle refreshing reminds me of His love. It’s where I hear Him call, “Come deeper.”
And so I did.
When I first sat down at the stream I felt so alone. No one to share the surrounding beauty with, no one to talk to. God didn’t get offended. But He did ask me what I’d do if someone were there with me. I said I’d skip stones. So He invited me to do that… with Him.
I skipped stones until I laughed. I plunked most of them in the bottom of the stream. But when I skipped a few the number I wanted to achieve, I cheered. And God cheered with me. It was a neat time of just hanging out with God.
Then I listened to the water and looked around at the stones. I remembered David’s battle with Goliath. He chose five smooth stones and defeated his gigantic foe. I felt led to choose five stones too. And so I picked up five little ones, too small to do much, if any, damage. Especially since my gigantic foe is a battle with my husband’s addiction and the battle for my family.
But then I found amid all the brown rocks, a bright red one, and a tiny white shard of a stone. Immediately I thought of the blood of Christ that washes me white as snow. I knew then that the Lord had much to show me of Himself. With two little rocks He took my focus off my battle and put it where it belongs… On Him.
I pulled out my Bible and looked up the word stones. There were six verses. As I went through each of them God added a very powerful one that reiterated what my stones Bible study verses said. Second Chronicles 20:12, 15, 17 spoke directly to the battle I faced and how I was to face it. “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.” “For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” “Stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.”
I read those verses and looked at my stones. I wouldn’t need them to fight. But I would need them to remember.
My wonderful home school president’s last Bible study of the year was on Joshua 4 and how Joshua was commanded to choose twelve men and have them each retrieve a stone from the middle of the Jordan river. “When your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them…these stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” They were to help His people remember the deliverance of the Lord.
So I asked the Lord what should I remember when I looked at these stones. He reminded me of my favorite name for Him. I AM. This name is in the center of my all-time favorite Bible story in Matthew 14. The story where Peter walks on the water. Jesus addressed the terrified disciples and told them, “Take courage! I AM. Do not be afraid.”
So my stones remind me that God is my “I AM.” He is everything I need in this and every other circumstance I will face. He is my Daddy, my Best Friend, my Heart Healer, and my Defender. He will fight for me. And He promises that He will work in all things for my good.
I love the line from CS Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia where one of the children asks if Aslan is safe. Another child answers, “Safe? No, Aslan isn’t safe. But he is good.”
That's my God. He’s not safe. He calls me to frightening, painful places and allows more hurt than I think I can bear. But He is good. In the frightening places, He holds me and guides me through. He teaches me He is worthy of my trust and that He is where I can run to find everything I need. He provides the relationships He created me for, first with Himself, and then with others He provides. But He alone is where I’m to run. He’s the Truth. He knows me best and loves me most.
By mid-morning I was excited about all God was showing me. I had my stones, knew what they meant, and knew this battle I faced was in His hands. But I was starting to feel restless again. Ready to run back home and get started.
God had another plan.
He brought to mind my mentor’s words about “unforced rhythms of grace.” There I was trying to force my heart to hurry up and grasp all my mind had received from the Lord. I wasn’t ready to go anywhere, certainly not home yet. So I watched the water and listened. God asked me to sing. So I did in my normal worship style, eyes closed. I got a little bolder and did what I do when I let myself go and just praise… I signed. As I sang quietly and signed with my eyes closed, I started to cry. Really cry. Especially during one line of the only song that came to mind. It says, “Oh my soul rejoice.” I thought, how in the world could I rejoice right now. Life hurts.
God said, “Open your eyes.” I did. And I sang again. I was uncomfortable at first, and then let myself just look and really see. With His beauty all around me and His Word still fresh in my mind, I could sing. I could offer the sacrifice of praise and say, “It is well with my soul. My soul can and will rejoice.”
I went back to the Word and read my last stones Bible verse. First Peter 2:3-4, “…now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to Him, the living Stone~ rejected by men,” I stopped there and thought, “me too.” I’ve been rejected by men. Then I continued to read, “but chosen by God and precious to Him…” God said, “You too.” I smiled. Yes, me too.
He gave me another verse in Isaiah 32:2. “…like streams of water in the desert.” I thought about my desert walk and this stream I sat beside. God showed me that even though I walk through this painful desert time, He is my stream, my Living Water.
At this point I’d completed my stones Bible study and felt it penetrate my heart. I was full. Rested. Hopeful about what God had in store even as I knew the testing by fire would continue.
So I danced.
I programmed song number five of Nichole Nordeman’s CD, Woven and Spun. It’s title is “I AM.” I stood at the edge of the stream and slow danced with my heavenly Lover. His words flooded my heart.
“You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And You said, I Am.
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am.
When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angles dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End.
I Am
Yes, I Am.”
By the end of the song I was crying so hard I shook. I had touched and been touched by God.
And my feet were in the stream. I looked down and for a second it looked like I was walking on water.
Like Peter.
I’d reached up and been rescued by the hand of God.
And I’d danced.
With a full heart and a pocket full of stones, I left that special place. I returned home the next day and shared my stones with my girls. They thought my story was neat and my stones cool. They weren’t compelled to dance though.
But I am. Because I was there. And God’s invitation to come and dance is still open.
So I will pull out my stones and remember.
And dance.
We spent time yesterday morning singing patriotic songs, reading poems, praying for our nation and our military, and reading the Declaration of Independence: "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights... we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."
Words like that remind me of the sacrifices I've seen as a third generation military dependent. My grandfather gave his life for this country. My father served in Desert Storm. I've seen what our military fights for~ freedom. And I’ve seen what we fight against. Tyranny. The control of a people by one not concerned with meeting the basic needs of those people. I’ve seen the result of freedom's absence in the hollow, longing eyes of an old woman begging for a taste of bread, knowing she could die for simply asking us for help. That look is something I will never forget.
I’ve had that look. The emptiness of bondage. The hopelessness that life as I know it is nothing but pain. But I’ve also tasted Freedom. And that I can’t forget either.
Last Saturday was a special day of Independence for me, a day where I experienced anew the glorious Freedom that is mine. A Freedom I too often forget.
I spent the weekend at a friend’s camp in North Carolina. Early Saturday morning I hiked up an overgrown trail that led to an eighty-foot waterfall. But God had me stop by a smaller waterfall and spend the rest of my hiking time with Him. That was one of the best choices I have ever made.
The sky was a sapphire blue, the sunlight danced on the rushing stream at my feet. Surrounding me were brilliant greens and beneath me hundreds of stones. I listened to the roaring water and felt my soul relax.
Psalm 42:7 says, “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls.” Though I didn’t make it to the eighty-foot one, I didn’t need to. My little waterfall filled my ears and my heart. As I pondered this verse, I realized why being near the water is so important to me. It’s where I most hear the Lord. Where the roar of the water reminds me of His greatness, and its gentle refreshing reminds me of His love. It’s where I hear Him call, “Come deeper.”
And so I did.
When I first sat down at the stream I felt so alone. No one to share the surrounding beauty with, no one to talk to. God didn’t get offended. But He did ask me what I’d do if someone were there with me. I said I’d skip stones. So He invited me to do that… with Him.
I skipped stones until I laughed. I plunked most of them in the bottom of the stream. But when I skipped a few the number I wanted to achieve, I cheered. And God cheered with me. It was a neat time of just hanging out with God.
Then I listened to the water and looked around at the stones. I remembered David’s battle with Goliath. He chose five smooth stones and defeated his gigantic foe. I felt led to choose five stones too. And so I picked up five little ones, too small to do much, if any, damage. Especially since my gigantic foe is a battle with my husband’s addiction and the battle for my family.
But then I found amid all the brown rocks, a bright red one, and a tiny white shard of a stone. Immediately I thought of the blood of Christ that washes me white as snow. I knew then that the Lord had much to show me of Himself. With two little rocks He took my focus off my battle and put it where it belongs… On Him.
I pulled out my Bible and looked up the word stones. There were six verses. As I went through each of them God added a very powerful one that reiterated what my stones Bible study verses said. Second Chronicles 20:12, 15, 17 spoke directly to the battle I faced and how I was to face it. “We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.” “For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” “Stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you.”
I read those verses and looked at my stones. I wouldn’t need them to fight. But I would need them to remember.
My wonderful home school president’s last Bible study of the year was on Joshua 4 and how Joshua was commanded to choose twelve men and have them each retrieve a stone from the middle of the Jordan river. “When your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them…these stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.” They were to help His people remember the deliverance of the Lord.
So I asked the Lord what should I remember when I looked at these stones. He reminded me of my favorite name for Him. I AM. This name is in the center of my all-time favorite Bible story in Matthew 14. The story where Peter walks on the water. Jesus addressed the terrified disciples and told them, “Take courage! I AM. Do not be afraid.”
So my stones remind me that God is my “I AM.” He is everything I need in this and every other circumstance I will face. He is my Daddy, my Best Friend, my Heart Healer, and my Defender. He will fight for me. And He promises that He will work in all things for my good.
I love the line from CS Lewis’s Chronicles of Narnia where one of the children asks if Aslan is safe. Another child answers, “Safe? No, Aslan isn’t safe. But he is good.”
That's my God. He’s not safe. He calls me to frightening, painful places and allows more hurt than I think I can bear. But He is good. In the frightening places, He holds me and guides me through. He teaches me He is worthy of my trust and that He is where I can run to find everything I need. He provides the relationships He created me for, first with Himself, and then with others He provides. But He alone is where I’m to run. He’s the Truth. He knows me best and loves me most.
By mid-morning I was excited about all God was showing me. I had my stones, knew what they meant, and knew this battle I faced was in His hands. But I was starting to feel restless again. Ready to run back home and get started.
God had another plan.
He brought to mind my mentor’s words about “unforced rhythms of grace.” There I was trying to force my heart to hurry up and grasp all my mind had received from the Lord. I wasn’t ready to go anywhere, certainly not home yet. So I watched the water and listened. God asked me to sing. So I did in my normal worship style, eyes closed. I got a little bolder and did what I do when I let myself go and just praise… I signed. As I sang quietly and signed with my eyes closed, I started to cry. Really cry. Especially during one line of the only song that came to mind. It says, “Oh my soul rejoice.” I thought, how in the world could I rejoice right now. Life hurts.
God said, “Open your eyes.” I did. And I sang again. I was uncomfortable at first, and then let myself just look and really see. With His beauty all around me and His Word still fresh in my mind, I could sing. I could offer the sacrifice of praise and say, “It is well with my soul. My soul can and will rejoice.”
I went back to the Word and read my last stones Bible verse. First Peter 2:3-4, “…now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to Him, the living Stone~ rejected by men,” I stopped there and thought, “me too.” I’ve been rejected by men. Then I continued to read, “but chosen by God and precious to Him…” God said, “You too.” I smiled. Yes, me too.
He gave me another verse in Isaiah 32:2. “…like streams of water in the desert.” I thought about my desert walk and this stream I sat beside. God showed me that even though I walk through this painful desert time, He is my stream, my Living Water.
At this point I’d completed my stones Bible study and felt it penetrate my heart. I was full. Rested. Hopeful about what God had in store even as I knew the testing by fire would continue.
So I danced.
I programmed song number five of Nichole Nordeman’s CD, Woven and Spun. It’s title is “I AM.” I stood at the edge of the stream and slow danced with my heavenly Lover. His words flooded my heart.
“You saw my mistakes
And watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I’d never love again
And when I was weak, unable to speak
Still I could call You by name
And I said, Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper
Be my best friend
And You said, I Am.
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said forever to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2am
And when I am weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker
Hold onto my hand
You say, I Am.
When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angles dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End.
I Am
Yes, I Am.”
By the end of the song I was crying so hard I shook. I had touched and been touched by God.
And my feet were in the stream. I looked down and for a second it looked like I was walking on water.
Like Peter.
I’d reached up and been rescued by the hand of God.
And I’d danced.
With a full heart and a pocket full of stones, I left that special place. I returned home the next day and shared my stones with my girls. They thought my story was neat and my stones cool. They weren’t compelled to dance though.
But I am. Because I was there. And God’s invitation to come and dance is still open.
So I will pull out my stones and remember.
And dance.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Addiction
I think I should change the banner of my blog to "welcome to the roller coaster." It seems my recent trip to the beach was only a brief oasis in preparation for a much longer, much harder desert journey.
I'm very thankful for all the people who stood by me during the first leg of this difficult walk. Your prayers are still much needed and much appreciated.
Since this is the peek-a-boo ICU and it's all about coming out of hiding and entering God's Intensive Care Unit, I decided it was time to face a subject that I've wanted to write about, but never had the courage to come out of hiding to do.
So here goes...
I’m a third generation alcoholic. I spent most of my junior high, high school, and college years hiding a family secret and learning to own that addiction for myself. During high school I became a Christian and drank less, but the tentacles of addiction still had a firm grip on my life. Alcohol was my drug of choice to numb the pain. It wasn’t until many years later I would even admit I was an alcoholic and many more before I would seek help to overcome this addiction.
At one point in college, I tried AA meetings, but they didn’t reach me. I didn’t want to define myself by my addiction and I didn’t want to look deeper into why I ran to alcohol. I just wanted the pain to go away. So I hid. Which really wasn’t hard to do. When my addiction started in earnest I was in junior high. Living in Germany, I could purchase alcohol anytime I wanted. Then when we moved back to the States I had access to my parent’s and grandmother’s liquor stash. In high school there were enough parties to keep me busy. And when I wasn’t partying with the wild crowd, I stayed busy with the church crowd. No one confronted me about having a problem. The church crowd never knew I almost killed myself twice getting so drunk I still have no idea how I got home.
After high school I walked away from alcohol, but not the addiction. I’d have an occasional drink and believed I was fine. No more parties, getting drunk, or hiding my alcohol consumption.
But I still didn’t deal with my heart, the reason the addiction still had a hold on me.
It wasn’t until I interviewed for a missionary position after college graduation that anyone looked deep into my life and asked some pointed questions. From that interview weekend I returned home and started seeing a rape counselor for a date rape that happened in high school, which I had never faced. In the process I started to deal with my heart and all the pain I had bottled up in there. The tentacles of addiction started to loosen.
Not too long after that I married and started to talk about my addiction in the past tense. I admitted I was once an alcoholic, but had found freedom in Christ. And I had. But I still had so much more to learn. My heart was only just starting the journey to healing.
Children came. Three wonderful, beautiful little girls. After my first daughter was born I learned my husband was not into alcohol like I had been, but his drug of choice was pornography. We went to counseling and I took another few steps on the path of heart healing.
After my second daughter was born it would be a year before I learned my husband not only still used porn, but he had a true sex addiction. Again, we went to counseling and I received a lot of help for my heart. But not my marriage. Because that takes two.
We had a third little girl and by the time she turned one, I was sure my marriage was over. So after my tenth wedding anniversary disaster, I told my husband something had to change or we wouldn’t make it to the eleventh anniversary.
We attended the Smalley Marriage Intensive in March of this year and God did an amazing work in me. I was finally given the tools and the time to attend to the depths of my heart. And I did. I now know I am free of an addiction to alcohol because God has done an amazing work in my life.
I’m not foolish or prideful enough to think I could never go back though. I could. So I protect myself and my daughters in many ways. And I’ve learned to run to God when life hurts. That is the best medicine for a wounded heart I’ve ever found.
But my marriage hasn’t taken that journey. I’m not sure it will. Today I’ve uncovered more “junk” and seen some pretty destructive patterns that I’ve been allowing to continue.
No more.
If running to God is the only place for healing, which I know it is, He is now all I have.
I’m still grieving what I thought was getting better and wasn’t. I’m still wrestling with anger and hurt so deep I’d like to go to sleep and not wake up until everything is better. But I know that won’t work. I have three little girls that need their mommy and a husband who I hope takes a good look in the mirror and decides it’s time to admit the truth and deal with his addiction all the way to healing.
Please pray for all of us.
Reading back over this, I’m not sure I should post it. I wrote it to sort out my mess of thoughts and keep from going crazy. But maybe it will help someone who reads it find the strength to run to God and get the help they need to break free from whatever has a hold on them.
Please do run to God. Addiction doesn’t just affect you. It affects whole families, and in truth, the whole Body of Christ. Don’t bury your head and let another person’s addictions get a hold on you either. I’ve done that for too many years. I’ve enabled destructive patterns to continue because of my own wounds and needs.
Needs I didn’t take to God. Needs I thought my husband could and should meet.
But he can’t.
God can.
And He is.
Please pray. All I can see stretching ahead are unending waves of hot sand. Please pray I’ll listen to the Lord and stay in His arms. And that one day He will use all of this for His glory. Like Moses on the backside of the desert for 40 years. I pray God will use me to lead others to freedom. That prayer frightens me as much as it calls me. But God’s been preparing me for this journey for some time.
I now (thanks to one of my awesome youth girls) have a little jar of beach sand at my desk. It reminds me that there are other places beside the desert in my future.
And that is a promise for every one of His children. In John 14 Jesus reminds us to trust in God and talks about His Father’s house. He says, “I am going there to prepare a place for you.” And in John 16:33 He says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
“O Daddy, strengthen my legs for the journey and my heart to trust You and love with Your amazing love. Amen.”
I'm very thankful for all the people who stood by me during the first leg of this difficult walk. Your prayers are still much needed and much appreciated.
Since this is the peek-a-boo ICU and it's all about coming out of hiding and entering God's Intensive Care Unit, I decided it was time to face a subject that I've wanted to write about, but never had the courage to come out of hiding to do.
So here goes...
I’m a third generation alcoholic. I spent most of my junior high, high school, and college years hiding a family secret and learning to own that addiction for myself. During high school I became a Christian and drank less, but the tentacles of addiction still had a firm grip on my life. Alcohol was my drug of choice to numb the pain. It wasn’t until many years later I would even admit I was an alcoholic and many more before I would seek help to overcome this addiction.
At one point in college, I tried AA meetings, but they didn’t reach me. I didn’t want to define myself by my addiction and I didn’t want to look deeper into why I ran to alcohol. I just wanted the pain to go away. So I hid. Which really wasn’t hard to do. When my addiction started in earnest I was in junior high. Living in Germany, I could purchase alcohol anytime I wanted. Then when we moved back to the States I had access to my parent’s and grandmother’s liquor stash. In high school there were enough parties to keep me busy. And when I wasn’t partying with the wild crowd, I stayed busy with the church crowd. No one confronted me about having a problem. The church crowd never knew I almost killed myself twice getting so drunk I still have no idea how I got home.
After high school I walked away from alcohol, but not the addiction. I’d have an occasional drink and believed I was fine. No more parties, getting drunk, or hiding my alcohol consumption.
But I still didn’t deal with my heart, the reason the addiction still had a hold on me.
It wasn’t until I interviewed for a missionary position after college graduation that anyone looked deep into my life and asked some pointed questions. From that interview weekend I returned home and started seeing a rape counselor for a date rape that happened in high school, which I had never faced. In the process I started to deal with my heart and all the pain I had bottled up in there. The tentacles of addiction started to loosen.
Not too long after that I married and started to talk about my addiction in the past tense. I admitted I was once an alcoholic, but had found freedom in Christ. And I had. But I still had so much more to learn. My heart was only just starting the journey to healing.
Children came. Three wonderful, beautiful little girls. After my first daughter was born I learned my husband was not into alcohol like I had been, but his drug of choice was pornography. We went to counseling and I took another few steps on the path of heart healing.
After my second daughter was born it would be a year before I learned my husband not only still used porn, but he had a true sex addiction. Again, we went to counseling and I received a lot of help for my heart. But not my marriage. Because that takes two.
We had a third little girl and by the time she turned one, I was sure my marriage was over. So after my tenth wedding anniversary disaster, I told my husband something had to change or we wouldn’t make it to the eleventh anniversary.
We attended the Smalley Marriage Intensive in March of this year and God did an amazing work in me. I was finally given the tools and the time to attend to the depths of my heart. And I did. I now know I am free of an addiction to alcohol because God has done an amazing work in my life.
I’m not foolish or prideful enough to think I could never go back though. I could. So I protect myself and my daughters in many ways. And I’ve learned to run to God when life hurts. That is the best medicine for a wounded heart I’ve ever found.
But my marriage hasn’t taken that journey. I’m not sure it will. Today I’ve uncovered more “junk” and seen some pretty destructive patterns that I’ve been allowing to continue.
No more.
If running to God is the only place for healing, which I know it is, He is now all I have.
I’m still grieving what I thought was getting better and wasn’t. I’m still wrestling with anger and hurt so deep I’d like to go to sleep and not wake up until everything is better. But I know that won’t work. I have three little girls that need their mommy and a husband who I hope takes a good look in the mirror and decides it’s time to admit the truth and deal with his addiction all the way to healing.
Please pray for all of us.
Reading back over this, I’m not sure I should post it. I wrote it to sort out my mess of thoughts and keep from going crazy. But maybe it will help someone who reads it find the strength to run to God and get the help they need to break free from whatever has a hold on them.
Please do run to God. Addiction doesn’t just affect you. It affects whole families, and in truth, the whole Body of Christ. Don’t bury your head and let another person’s addictions get a hold on you either. I’ve done that for too many years. I’ve enabled destructive patterns to continue because of my own wounds and needs.
Needs I didn’t take to God. Needs I thought my husband could and should meet.
But he can’t.
God can.
And He is.
Please pray. All I can see stretching ahead are unending waves of hot sand. Please pray I’ll listen to the Lord and stay in His arms. And that one day He will use all of this for His glory. Like Moses on the backside of the desert for 40 years. I pray God will use me to lead others to freedom. That prayer frightens me as much as it calls me. But God’s been preparing me for this journey for some time.
I now (thanks to one of my awesome youth girls) have a little jar of beach sand at my desk. It reminds me that there are other places beside the desert in my future.
And that is a promise for every one of His children. In John 14 Jesus reminds us to trust in God and talks about His Father’s house. He says, “I am going there to prepare a place for you.” And in John 16:33 He says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
“O Daddy, strengthen my legs for the journey and my heart to trust You and love with Your amazing love. Amen.”
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Thank you for being a friend
There's an eighties song by Andrew Gold that captures what I'd like to say today. It starts with these lines, "Thank you for being a friend. You've traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant."
During my desert walk, there were so many who came alongside and fought for me. Some with me, challenging me to see the truth. :-) They prayed and listened and loved me well. And I want to say thank you.
To my husband: It’s been a tough eleven years. Here’s to learning to fight the right fight together and seeing all that God has in store for us. Thank you for choosing God and spending time with Him. Please keep looking through His eyes at the man He created you to be~ the man you truly are. Thank you for coming out of hiding and into the Truth, into healing. Your strength and courage remind me to run to God as you have done. In the desert, the dark, or on the beach, God is showing me you are His good gift to me. I love you.
To my daughters: In your precious prayers I found the courage to keep walking. You believe God still does miracles. Thanks to each of you and the awesome God we love, I see again how true that is. God is good... you remind me of that daily. I love you so much!
To my best friend: Jen, you continue to point me to the Lord and show me that who He created me to be is good. By your life, your wise words, and your love you reveal the beauty of the Lord. Even when the passionate way I live wears you out. ;-) I’m a glorious mess. Thank you for fighting for me and loving me well. The gift of you as my best friend is one I treasure and count a great privilege to enjoy. I love you and thank God for you.
To the Princess Bible study group: Knowing you all has made me a better person. You are each beautiful, precious young ladies~ daughters of the King. We've shared our hearts, and what God has done and continues to do is an awesome reminder of the good God we serve. Thank you. I also want to say thanks for the email reminders of your prayers, and the Dove chocolate bar coupon. You know me and love me well. I love you too.
To my Threshing Floor partners: You all not only make my writing shine, you walk beside me and comfort me with your amazing prayers. Thank you for sharing my hurts and my joy. I love you Jen, Mary, and Staci and I thank the Lord for putting us together.
To Steph and Rob: Thank you for entering into the painful journey of healing with me. Your prayers touched my heart and my marriage. Your emails helped me define what I believe and helped me see more clearly what the Lord is doing. Your love is a gift. I love you both. God did put us together for a reason~ a very good one. His glory and our good. He's so awesome!
To my Momsloop friends: You all have prayed and talked me through many a crisis and shared much laughter too. Thank you for your longstanding love and friendship. I love you all.
To the others who have shared their stories with me and wish to remain unnamed, I want to say thank you too. Your courage to share your heart reminded me that I'm not alone. Not in the pain or in the coming joy. God has good in store and you are a living, loving reminder of that truth. Thank you! I love you. God has blessed me so much with your friendship.
All of these precious people have walked with me in the desert and been the voice of the Lord when it was hard to listen. To each of them I say, "THANK YOU!" a thousand times over.
Friendship is one of God's greatest gifts. I've spent much of my life without that gift being too afraid of really sharing my heart for fear it would be rejected or not matter. After years of praying and learning to come out of hiding, I'm beginning to enjoy this most amazing blessing.
God is good. You are all living proof.
During my desert walk, there were so many who came alongside and fought for me. Some with me, challenging me to see the truth. :-) They prayed and listened and loved me well. And I want to say thank you.
To my husband: It’s been a tough eleven years. Here’s to learning to fight the right fight together and seeing all that God has in store for us. Thank you for choosing God and spending time with Him. Please keep looking through His eyes at the man He created you to be~ the man you truly are. Thank you for coming out of hiding and into the Truth, into healing. Your strength and courage remind me to run to God as you have done. In the desert, the dark, or on the beach, God is showing me you are His good gift to me. I love you.
To my daughters: In your precious prayers I found the courage to keep walking. You believe God still does miracles. Thanks to each of you and the awesome God we love, I see again how true that is. God is good... you remind me of that daily. I love you so much!
To my best friend: Jen, you continue to point me to the Lord and show me that who He created me to be is good. By your life, your wise words, and your love you reveal the beauty of the Lord. Even when the passionate way I live wears you out. ;-) I’m a glorious mess. Thank you for fighting for me and loving me well. The gift of you as my best friend is one I treasure and count a great privilege to enjoy. I love you and thank God for you.
To the Princess Bible study group: Knowing you all has made me a better person. You are each beautiful, precious young ladies~ daughters of the King. We've shared our hearts, and what God has done and continues to do is an awesome reminder of the good God we serve. Thank you. I also want to say thanks for the email reminders of your prayers, and the Dove chocolate bar coupon. You know me and love me well. I love you too.
To my Threshing Floor partners: You all not only make my writing shine, you walk beside me and comfort me with your amazing prayers. Thank you for sharing my hurts and my joy. I love you Jen, Mary, and Staci and I thank the Lord for putting us together.
To Steph and Rob: Thank you for entering into the painful journey of healing with me. Your prayers touched my heart and my marriage. Your emails helped me define what I believe and helped me see more clearly what the Lord is doing. Your love is a gift. I love you both. God did put us together for a reason~ a very good one. His glory and our good. He's so awesome!
To my Momsloop friends: You all have prayed and talked me through many a crisis and shared much laughter too. Thank you for your longstanding love and friendship. I love you all.
To the others who have shared their stories with me and wish to remain unnamed, I want to say thank you too. Your courage to share your heart reminded me that I'm not alone. Not in the pain or in the coming joy. God has good in store and you are a living, loving reminder of that truth. Thank you! I love you. God has blessed me so much with your friendship.
All of these precious people have walked with me in the desert and been the voice of the Lord when it was hard to listen. To each of them I say, "THANK YOU!" a thousand times over.
Friendship is one of God's greatest gifts. I've spent much of my life without that gift being too afraid of really sharing my heart for fear it would be rejected or not matter. After years of praying and learning to come out of hiding, I'm beginning to enjoy this most amazing blessing.
God is good. You are all living proof.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Choose wisely
On my screen saver are these words...
"Remember. Only One Thing is necessary. Choose wisely."
Some of these words came from a Bible study with my wonderful youth girls. We talked about Luke 10:42 where Jesus shares how Mary had chosen well in spending time with Him and listening to His words. The verse says, “but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
The “choose wisely” part came from a fairytale I’d written for my girls a few years ago. In the scene below the king is throwing a party for his daughters to celebrate their entrance into adulthood. Many in the kingdom desire to win their affection. But there is one whose desire is not for their affection. It is for their destruction. Much like our lives. We have an enemy who seeks to destroy us. We also have a Father who calls us to remember.
“Then one suitor, draped in a jeweled cloak, captured his daughters’ attentions. As the man told stories of his adventures and enchanting far-away places, the King watched the princesses’ excitement grow.
When the stranger departed, King Adonai spoke to Shiri first, then Teshi and Apolline. He whispered his heart’s cry in their ears. ‘Remember that I love you. Choose wisely.’”
This is what God has been teaching me in so many ways through my desert journey. It has been a very hard time, but good. I’d like to share some of what I’m learning.
The most important thing I’m learning is to run to my First Love. Time alone has opened my eyes to the desperate hunger I have tried to fill with other people and things. Good things. Gifts from God. My husband, my children, writing, friends. But when God is calling me to Himself, these good things can stand in the way of the Best. These gifts are also only good when they come from God’s hand and not my striving.
I’ve seen that it’s only when my relationship with my First Love is right, that all other loves are safe. Only One Thing is necessary. I’m learning to choose Him above all else.
Another thing the Lord is teaching me in this time is to choose love over lust. I’m learning from the example of others who’ve shared their stories with me and from my own journey. Lust destroys. Love builds. Love values people and shows respect. Love listens to the heart. Love waits. Lust, on the other hand, demands satisfaction now.
It’s not just youth or singles that need to learn the difference either. Married people need this too. Sex is a gift, not a Band-Aid. When we use it as a place to run to make us feel better, it’s lust. It’s filling a need~ not by running to the Lord~ but with something else. That’s idolatry.
Choose wisely.
This time alone in the desert has been a gift and as I’m learning to choose wisely, I’m falling in love with Him. God is speaking tender words here. He is making all things new in my heart. I have drawn nearer to the Lord and cried out to Him. I’ve learned He truly can meet emotional needs as well as physical longing. He is enough. He is love.
I’m also learning to run to God instead of choosing anger. I love my girls so much. Even so, taking care of three children all day, every day is exhausting. I’ve found my temper short and mind too busy to deal with why.
Until my desert stop.
God is showing me how to run to Him in the midst of a crisis and let Him be my strength, my gentle words, and my loving instruction.
He’s also my forgiveness. Instead of hiding behind anger and the wounds of betrayal, God has led me into this desert to experience my need for of the waters of forgiveness. I’m looking in the mirror with no one else to blame for my reactions, and seeing how thirsty I am. And the result has been an open door to restoration and reconciliation.
A door I’m walking through.
At one point last week, I was ready to throw away all the Lord had begun to show me because the hurt was so intense. I thought I would either go insane or shut down completely. Living an emotionless, passionless, lonely life seemed my only option. I chose to fight instead. Not with the person who hurt me, and not with God.
I chose to stand up and fight the fight of faith. I recognized the enemy’s lies and ran to God for the truth.
And He’s answering abundantly ~ over and above what I asked or imagined. He’s leading me to the beach and restoring my soul. He’s healing my heart as well as the damaged relationship.
I didn’t choose the desert. But I am learning that making wise choices wherever I am matters.
Life is about choices.
Anger or grace?
Lust or love?
Hate or forgiveness?
Idols or your First Love?
Remember. Only One Thing is needed.
How will you choose?
"Remember. Only One Thing is necessary. Choose wisely."
Some of these words came from a Bible study with my wonderful youth girls. We talked about Luke 10:42 where Jesus shares how Mary had chosen well in spending time with Him and listening to His words. The verse says, “but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
The “choose wisely” part came from a fairytale I’d written for my girls a few years ago. In the scene below the king is throwing a party for his daughters to celebrate their entrance into adulthood. Many in the kingdom desire to win their affection. But there is one whose desire is not for their affection. It is for their destruction. Much like our lives. We have an enemy who seeks to destroy us. We also have a Father who calls us to remember.
“Then one suitor, draped in a jeweled cloak, captured his daughters’ attentions. As the man told stories of his adventures and enchanting far-away places, the King watched the princesses’ excitement grow.
When the stranger departed, King Adonai spoke to Shiri first, then Teshi and Apolline. He whispered his heart’s cry in their ears. ‘Remember that I love you. Choose wisely.’”
This is what God has been teaching me in so many ways through my desert journey. It has been a very hard time, but good. I’d like to share some of what I’m learning.
The most important thing I’m learning is to run to my First Love. Time alone has opened my eyes to the desperate hunger I have tried to fill with other people and things. Good things. Gifts from God. My husband, my children, writing, friends. But when God is calling me to Himself, these good things can stand in the way of the Best. These gifts are also only good when they come from God’s hand and not my striving.
I’ve seen that it’s only when my relationship with my First Love is right, that all other loves are safe. Only One Thing is necessary. I’m learning to choose Him above all else.
Another thing the Lord is teaching me in this time is to choose love over lust. I’m learning from the example of others who’ve shared their stories with me and from my own journey. Lust destroys. Love builds. Love values people and shows respect. Love listens to the heart. Love waits. Lust, on the other hand, demands satisfaction now.
It’s not just youth or singles that need to learn the difference either. Married people need this too. Sex is a gift, not a Band-Aid. When we use it as a place to run to make us feel better, it’s lust. It’s filling a need~ not by running to the Lord~ but with something else. That’s idolatry.
Choose wisely.
This time alone in the desert has been a gift and as I’m learning to choose wisely, I’m falling in love with Him. God is speaking tender words here. He is making all things new in my heart. I have drawn nearer to the Lord and cried out to Him. I’ve learned He truly can meet emotional needs as well as physical longing. He is enough. He is love.
I’m also learning to run to God instead of choosing anger. I love my girls so much. Even so, taking care of three children all day, every day is exhausting. I’ve found my temper short and mind too busy to deal with why.
Until my desert stop.
God is showing me how to run to Him in the midst of a crisis and let Him be my strength, my gentle words, and my loving instruction.
He’s also my forgiveness. Instead of hiding behind anger and the wounds of betrayal, God has led me into this desert to experience my need for of the waters of forgiveness. I’m looking in the mirror with no one else to blame for my reactions, and seeing how thirsty I am. And the result has been an open door to restoration and reconciliation.
A door I’m walking through.
At one point last week, I was ready to throw away all the Lord had begun to show me because the hurt was so intense. I thought I would either go insane or shut down completely. Living an emotionless, passionless, lonely life seemed my only option. I chose to fight instead. Not with the person who hurt me, and not with God.
I chose to stand up and fight the fight of faith. I recognized the enemy’s lies and ran to God for the truth.
And He’s answering abundantly ~ over and above what I asked or imagined. He’s leading me to the beach and restoring my soul. He’s healing my heart as well as the damaged relationship.
I didn’t choose the desert. But I am learning that making wise choices wherever I am matters.
Life is about choices.
Anger or grace?
Lust or love?
Hate or forgiveness?
Idols or your First Love?
Remember. Only One Thing is needed.
How will you choose?
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Into the desert
Deserts are not my idea of a wonderful place to visit. I much prefer the beach. ;-) But right now I'm being led into a desert. It's lonely, hot, and the salt of my tears stings.
Did I mention my air conditioning broke last night too?
God does have a sense of humor. ;-)
He also has a loving word to speak to me in this desert. I started to hear it this morning. After days of crying my eyes out and trying to fill the void left in my heart by someone I deeply loved who rejected me, God whispered a reminder of truth.
I picked up Beth Moore's book Praying God’s Word and opened to the chapter entitled “The Insecurity of Feeling Unloved.” There I read the words I’d quoted in a blog not too long ago about The Call of God. “Our need does not constitute anyone else’s call but God’s.” It’s as if Beth penned those words for me and where I am right now. I know God did, whether Beth knew it or not.
God also brought a verse to mind from Hosea 2:14 that I’d recently read in Scotty Smith’s book Objects of His Affection. It says “I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” In this chapter of Hosea God is talking about unfaithful Israel running after her worthless lovers and how God will draw her back to Himself and make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.
See, I’ve been praying for God to show me how to depend on Him, how to look to Him to meet my needs. He’s answering loud and clear. Beth Moore’s quote, the verse from Hosea, and the valley of trouble that has come into my life are all becoming crystal clear reminders that God has good in store for me, even if I have to spend time in a painful desert.
Another quote in Beth Moore’s chapter on feeling unloved says so well what the Lord is doing in my heart. “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.” Oswald Chambers.
I still wish God would take me to the beach instead of the desert.
But in the hot, shifting sands I’m living in, God is still good. I’m clinging to that. He has a good plan. Even when I have to tell my daughters we could be moving. My precious middle daughter said this morning as we talked about what’s ahead and the possibility of me teaching in a school again, “But Mommy, we’re home schooled. I want to be with you and my sisters.” My heart about shattered. If it hadn’t already been broken to pieces, it probably would have burst. I had to explain to myself and to my girls that even though things are happening that we don’t want, we have to trust God has a good plan and He loves us and will take care of us.
Even in the desert.
Other verses from the chapter on feeling unloved in Praying God’s Word helped me get out of bed this morning. I literally need God’s Word to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed 1 John 3:19 “O God, please set my heart at rest in Your Presence.” Then my eyes found these words on the next page, “when troubled times come, you may not know what will befall you, but you can hear the steady pulse of the boundless love of Him who holds you.”
I’m learning to curl up in my heavenly Daddy’s arms… and rest. This is God’s time for me to experience Colossians 2:10, “You are complete in Him.”
I would appreciate your prayers as we journey through this desert. Pray that I’ll not wander forty years like the Israelites, but that I will believe the Truth and choose to abide in the One who knows me best and loves me most. It is God I want to cling to in the desert.
And when He takes me to the beach too.
He did fix my air conditioning this morning. ;-) And He’s mending my heart, drawing me to Him.
That’s right where I want to be.
God is good... all the time... and in every place.
Thank you for praying.
Did I mention my air conditioning broke last night too?
God does have a sense of humor. ;-)
He also has a loving word to speak to me in this desert. I started to hear it this morning. After days of crying my eyes out and trying to fill the void left in my heart by someone I deeply loved who rejected me, God whispered a reminder of truth.
I picked up Beth Moore's book Praying God’s Word and opened to the chapter entitled “The Insecurity of Feeling Unloved.” There I read the words I’d quoted in a blog not too long ago about The Call of God. “Our need does not constitute anyone else’s call but God’s.” It’s as if Beth penned those words for me and where I am right now. I know God did, whether Beth knew it or not.
God also brought a verse to mind from Hosea 2:14 that I’d recently read in Scotty Smith’s book Objects of His Affection. It says “I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” In this chapter of Hosea God is talking about unfaithful Israel running after her worthless lovers and how God will draw her back to Himself and make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope.
See, I’ve been praying for God to show me how to depend on Him, how to look to Him to meet my needs. He’s answering loud and clear. Beth Moore’s quote, the verse from Hosea, and the valley of trouble that has come into my life are all becoming crystal clear reminders that God has good in store for me, even if I have to spend time in a painful desert.
Another quote in Beth Moore’s chapter on feeling unloved says so well what the Lord is doing in my heart. “No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.” Oswald Chambers.
I still wish God would take me to the beach instead of the desert.
But in the hot, shifting sands I’m living in, God is still good. I’m clinging to that. He has a good plan. Even when I have to tell my daughters we could be moving. My precious middle daughter said this morning as we talked about what’s ahead and the possibility of me teaching in a school again, “But Mommy, we’re home schooled. I want to be with you and my sisters.” My heart about shattered. If it hadn’t already been broken to pieces, it probably would have burst. I had to explain to myself and to my girls that even though things are happening that we don’t want, we have to trust God has a good plan and He loves us and will take care of us.
Even in the desert.
Other verses from the chapter on feeling unloved in Praying God’s Word helped me get out of bed this morning. I literally need God’s Word to put one foot in front of the other. I prayed 1 John 3:19 “O God, please set my heart at rest in Your Presence.” Then my eyes found these words on the next page, “when troubled times come, you may not know what will befall you, but you can hear the steady pulse of the boundless love of Him who holds you.”
I’m learning to curl up in my heavenly Daddy’s arms… and rest. This is God’s time for me to experience Colossians 2:10, “You are complete in Him.”
I would appreciate your prayers as we journey through this desert. Pray that I’ll not wander forty years like the Israelites, but that I will believe the Truth and choose to abide in the One who knows me best and loves me most. It is God I want to cling to in the desert.
And when He takes me to the beach too.
He did fix my air conditioning this morning. ;-) And He’s mending my heart, drawing me to Him.
That’s right where I want to be.
God is good... all the time... and in every place.
Thank you for praying.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
The Dance
There's a line from an article I'm working on that won't leave me alone. It says: Dance. Even when life hurts. It's better than the alternative.
I've talked a lot about dances on this blog and in the youth discipleship group I love leading. The fear dance, The Great Dance, and in my recent article, dancing with diabetes. All of these share a common element of comparing hard things in life to a dance.
One of my favorite songs from college does the same thing. It’s a Garth Brooks song called The Dance. Like the author of this song, I shared a dance with someone that left me alone holding a broken heart. Listen to these lines:
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say, you know I might have chanced it all.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
I know life is not left to chance. But it is better left in the hands of our loving God who knows best. Even when what He decides hurts.
Truth be told, I had no business staying with the guy that left me brokenhearted. God warned me to get out of the relationship and finally showed me the truth I didn’t want to see. But like a lot of painful things in my life, God has proven He truly does work all things for good.
He’s the author of the Dance. My dance. And yours.
There are so many times I’d like to sit this dance out. Like when my diabetes is out of control or when things in my marriage hurt. But if I truly believe God is good, I have to keep dancing, even when life hurts. Why? Because I know from experience God has something to show me. Something good.
I was reading a chapter in my writer’s devotional today on being like Peter, my all-time favorite Bible character. To anyone who knows me well this is no surprise. ;-) I’m so like brash, bold, impetuous, loud Peter. I only hope God has great things in store for me like He did for Peter.
Every time I hang out with my three princesses or my Bible study girls, I know for sure He does. They remind me God has a good plan.
They also help me to remember the dance is worth every step. Even the ones that hurt.
Back to Peter. Here are some of the quotes that hit me so hard as I read today. Quotes that led me to thinking about this dance of life.
“Be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.” 1 Peter 4:7 NIV
“Keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to the God who made you, for He will never fail you.” 1 Peter 4:19
And the final line from today’s devotion: “He has chosen us and will equip us so that, through the words we write and the lives we live, we will effectively be able to ‘show to others how God called [us] out of the darkness into His wonderful light’” 1 Peter 2:9
Those verses challenge me. First to keep my mouth shut when I’m angry so that my rash words don’t bring further damage in a tough situation. Something I’m still learning and failing at more than I succeed. But I’m learning. I’m a glorious mess. God is so getting that point across to me.
Second, those verses challenge me to trust myself to God because He will never fail me. People will. But that’s not an excuse to sit this dance out. To withhold forgiveness. Or to refuse to love.
That’s hard. Hard on a good day and even more difficult when I’m looking at the surrounding storm, watching the waves. And sinking.
Not only is Peter my favorite Bible character, but his story of walking on the waves is also my favorite place to go for encouragement.
God called Peter into that storm and out of the boat.
And even though he started to sink, God was there to rescue Peter.
Me too.
When I listen. When I dance. And more often than that, my awesome Daddy pursues me when I’m trying not to listen and instead working hard to sit things out in disobedience.
I don’t believe I’m alone in that. Peter and I aren’t the only ones that focused on the waves and sank. Right?
Wherever you are, whether enjoying a great dance, or trying to sit one out, please listen closely to the Father’s outstretched hands and love-filled command to “Come.”
You see, He’s playing your song.
Don’t sit this one out. Because when this dance lesson is over, we’ll be dancing for all eternity to the perfect rhythm of grace, in the arms of our Perfect Partner.
So dance. Even when life hurts. It’s worth every step.
I've talked a lot about dances on this blog and in the youth discipleship group I love leading. The fear dance, The Great Dance, and in my recent article, dancing with diabetes. All of these share a common element of comparing hard things in life to a dance.
One of my favorite songs from college does the same thing. It’s a Garth Brooks song called The Dance. Like the author of this song, I shared a dance with someone that left me alone holding a broken heart. Listen to these lines:
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared ‘neath the stars above
For a moment, all the world was right
How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
Hey who’s to say, you know I might have chanced it all.
And now, I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I’d of had to miss the dance.
I know life is not left to chance. But it is better left in the hands of our loving God who knows best. Even when what He decides hurts.
Truth be told, I had no business staying with the guy that left me brokenhearted. God warned me to get out of the relationship and finally showed me the truth I didn’t want to see. But like a lot of painful things in my life, God has proven He truly does work all things for good.
He’s the author of the Dance. My dance. And yours.
There are so many times I’d like to sit this dance out. Like when my diabetes is out of control or when things in my marriage hurt. But if I truly believe God is good, I have to keep dancing, even when life hurts. Why? Because I know from experience God has something to show me. Something good.
I was reading a chapter in my writer’s devotional today on being like Peter, my all-time favorite Bible character. To anyone who knows me well this is no surprise. ;-) I’m so like brash, bold, impetuous, loud Peter. I only hope God has great things in store for me like He did for Peter.
Every time I hang out with my three princesses or my Bible study girls, I know for sure He does. They remind me God has a good plan.
They also help me to remember the dance is worth every step. Even the ones that hurt.
Back to Peter. Here are some of the quotes that hit me so hard as I read today. Quotes that led me to thinking about this dance of life.
“Be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray.” 1 Peter 4:7 NIV
“Keep on doing what is right and trust yourself to the God who made you, for He will never fail you.” 1 Peter 4:19
And the final line from today’s devotion: “He has chosen us and will equip us so that, through the words we write and the lives we live, we will effectively be able to ‘show to others how God called [us] out of the darkness into His wonderful light’” 1 Peter 2:9
Those verses challenge me. First to keep my mouth shut when I’m angry so that my rash words don’t bring further damage in a tough situation. Something I’m still learning and failing at more than I succeed. But I’m learning. I’m a glorious mess. God is so getting that point across to me.
Second, those verses challenge me to trust myself to God because He will never fail me. People will. But that’s not an excuse to sit this dance out. To withhold forgiveness. Or to refuse to love.
That’s hard. Hard on a good day and even more difficult when I’m looking at the surrounding storm, watching the waves. And sinking.
Not only is Peter my favorite Bible character, but his story of walking on the waves is also my favorite place to go for encouragement.
God called Peter into that storm and out of the boat.
And even though he started to sink, God was there to rescue Peter.
Me too.
When I listen. When I dance. And more often than that, my awesome Daddy pursues me when I’m trying not to listen and instead working hard to sit things out in disobedience.
I don’t believe I’m alone in that. Peter and I aren’t the only ones that focused on the waves and sank. Right?
Wherever you are, whether enjoying a great dance, or trying to sit one out, please listen closely to the Father’s outstretched hands and love-filled command to “Come.”
You see, He’s playing your song.
Don’t sit this one out. Because when this dance lesson is over, we’ll be dancing for all eternity to the perfect rhythm of grace, in the arms of our Perfect Partner.
So dance. Even when life hurts. It’s worth every step.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Glorious Ruins
You've seen them haven't you? Glorious glimpses of the past now in ruins. Places like the Parthenon, the Roman aqueducts, the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Or more modern ones like my husband's desk or my house after a pint-sized birthday party.
Or me.
A pastor friend uses the term "glorious ruins" to describe our human condition. Writers like Scotty Smith and John and Stasi Eldredge expound on this thought with powerful words of how we were created for more and yet we fall far short in our attempts to find Eden in this world.
Instead of reflecting the glory of God, we are glorious messes that make a mess of things every time we try on our two-year-old attitudes and insist, “I’ll do it by my own self!”
Even so, God has a plan and purpose that He is working out in the midst of our messes.
I’m finally starting to get this, but it’s taken a long time and a lot of wrestling with God. See, I’m a lot like the Prodigal’s older brother. I would rather believe I’m not a ruin at all, but that I’m becoming more holy the longer I walk with the Lord.
But the opposite is happening. The closer I get to the Lord, the bigger a mess I see that I am.
Scotty Smith in his excellent, excellent book titled Objects of His Affection speaks about believers in terms that are hard to accept. He calls us an unworthy bride and relates our story to the story of unfaithful Gomer, the wife of God’s prophet Hosea. “As with Hosea’s wife so with God’s people, Israel: Unfaithfulness abounded.” And so it is with us. We chase after other lovers and hide from or forget the Lover of our souls.
In busyness. In making ends meet. In being a good wife and raising good children. In self-improvement. In church work. In just about any thing or activity under the sun.
When we try to find life and love in anything other than God, our relationships and activities become our idols, our other lovers, and merely a means to an end~ making us feel good.
Sounds ugly doesn’t it?
It is.
If we are honest, our attempts to find life apart from God are so very far from the “not too bad” designation we like to put them in. They actually leave our lives in ruins.
Take a hard look in the mirror. What do you see? Do you see tired eyes filled with longings? Me too. I see the mess I’ve made of life by running after many things that left me emptier than when I started.
But before you give up in despair, look again. Do you see the cross? Look closely. If you are a child of the King, He’s with you. Always.
Scotty Smith says it this way, “To see our sins, wounds, idols, and failures apart from God’s grace is simply too much. We will either minimize our condition, thus marginalizing our need of grace, or we will run away in hopeless despair to the arms of a lesser love or to the worship of lesser gods.”
But when we take a redeeming look in the mirror we will see both the seriousness of our sin and the awesome deliverance of our great God. To see both is to be changed.
How do you take a redeeming look in the mirror? Hosea 2:14 gives us a clue, “Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” To really see, God will take us to a barren, lonely place to win our hearts away from the unfulfilling loves we’ve run after. There He will speak His words of love and truth. There we will see the true nature of our idolatry, our sin. And there we will see Him replace the emptiness of our other lovers with His very self.
A line from Scotty’s book brought me up short one day as I read. “Greater love cannot be conceived than God dying for a thankless adulteress.”
Ouch.
That’s me. And that’s my Savior. After a number of recent trips to the desert, I’m learning to look in the mirror and see my sin, my mess, for what it is. At the same time, I’m learning to see it all in light of the cross. It’s paid for. In full.
Even after seeing this truth, there’s another facet of being a glorious ruin that leaves me struggling still. It’s the fact that no matter what I do, there remains more in me in need of change. It’s an ongoing process that won’t end this side of Heaven.
That really bugs me.
I like marking things off my to-do list, completing a project, typing THE END to a manuscript. I like seeing the finish line and crossing it.
Good thing God doesn’t see with my eyes. Instead, He knows He will complete the work He’s begun in me and He isn’t in a race with time to do it.
Even in the midst of this cycle of growth and more necessary growth, God says this, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 43:1-2)
And this, “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
God not only saves us and calls us by name, but He DELIGHTS in us. He rejoices over us with singing. That’s the glorious part. The part of us that dares to grasp hold of this truth and run with it. The part that steps out of the boat, like Peter, and walks on the water.
That’s where I want to be. A little calmer waves, maybe. But right there, doing the “impossible” with Jesus.
For the times when I resemble C.S. Lewis’s quote, “like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily satisfied.” God answers with words that stir my soul to remember.
Words like John Piper’s restatement of a line from the Westminster Shorter Catechism: “The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.”
And so I remember.
I remember the cross.
I remember my Heavenly Daddy’s love for me.
I remember I need Him.
I remember that I’m a glorious mess in the process of living up to that which I’ve already obtained. One day this ruin will be clothed in white and made new. One day.
Until then I try to remember... Only One Thing is needed… choose wisely.
Or me.
A pastor friend uses the term "glorious ruins" to describe our human condition. Writers like Scotty Smith and John and Stasi Eldredge expound on this thought with powerful words of how we were created for more and yet we fall far short in our attempts to find Eden in this world.
Instead of reflecting the glory of God, we are glorious messes that make a mess of things every time we try on our two-year-old attitudes and insist, “I’ll do it by my own self!”
Even so, God has a plan and purpose that He is working out in the midst of our messes.
I’m finally starting to get this, but it’s taken a long time and a lot of wrestling with God. See, I’m a lot like the Prodigal’s older brother. I would rather believe I’m not a ruin at all, but that I’m becoming more holy the longer I walk with the Lord.
But the opposite is happening. The closer I get to the Lord, the bigger a mess I see that I am.
Scotty Smith in his excellent, excellent book titled Objects of His Affection speaks about believers in terms that are hard to accept. He calls us an unworthy bride and relates our story to the story of unfaithful Gomer, the wife of God’s prophet Hosea. “As with Hosea’s wife so with God’s people, Israel: Unfaithfulness abounded.” And so it is with us. We chase after other lovers and hide from or forget the Lover of our souls.
In busyness. In making ends meet. In being a good wife and raising good children. In self-improvement. In church work. In just about any thing or activity under the sun.
When we try to find life and love in anything other than God, our relationships and activities become our idols, our other lovers, and merely a means to an end~ making us feel good.
Sounds ugly doesn’t it?
It is.
If we are honest, our attempts to find life apart from God are so very far from the “not too bad” designation we like to put them in. They actually leave our lives in ruins.
Take a hard look in the mirror. What do you see? Do you see tired eyes filled with longings? Me too. I see the mess I’ve made of life by running after many things that left me emptier than when I started.
But before you give up in despair, look again. Do you see the cross? Look closely. If you are a child of the King, He’s with you. Always.
Scotty Smith says it this way, “To see our sins, wounds, idols, and failures apart from God’s grace is simply too much. We will either minimize our condition, thus marginalizing our need of grace, or we will run away in hopeless despair to the arms of a lesser love or to the worship of lesser gods.”
But when we take a redeeming look in the mirror we will see both the seriousness of our sin and the awesome deliverance of our great God. To see both is to be changed.
How do you take a redeeming look in the mirror? Hosea 2:14 gives us a clue, “Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.” To really see, God will take us to a barren, lonely place to win our hearts away from the unfulfilling loves we’ve run after. There He will speak His words of love and truth. There we will see the true nature of our idolatry, our sin. And there we will see Him replace the emptiness of our other lovers with His very self.
A line from Scotty’s book brought me up short one day as I read. “Greater love cannot be conceived than God dying for a thankless adulteress.”
Ouch.
That’s me. And that’s my Savior. After a number of recent trips to the desert, I’m learning to look in the mirror and see my sin, my mess, for what it is. At the same time, I’m learning to see it all in light of the cross. It’s paid for. In full.
Even after seeing this truth, there’s another facet of being a glorious ruin that leaves me struggling still. It’s the fact that no matter what I do, there remains more in me in need of change. It’s an ongoing process that won’t end this side of Heaven.
That really bugs me.
I like marking things off my to-do list, completing a project, typing THE END to a manuscript. I like seeing the finish line and crossing it.
Good thing God doesn’t see with my eyes. Instead, He knows He will complete the work He’s begun in me and He isn’t in a race with time to do it.
Even in the midst of this cycle of growth and more necessary growth, God says this, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; YOU ARE MINE. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” (Isaiah 43:1-2)
And this, “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)
God not only saves us and calls us by name, but He DELIGHTS in us. He rejoices over us with singing. That’s the glorious part. The part of us that dares to grasp hold of this truth and run with it. The part that steps out of the boat, like Peter, and walks on the water.
That’s where I want to be. A little calmer waves, maybe. But right there, doing the “impossible” with Jesus.
For the times when I resemble C.S. Lewis’s quote, “like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily satisfied.” God answers with words that stir my soul to remember.
Words like John Piper’s restatement of a line from the Westminster Shorter Catechism: “The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever.”
And so I remember.
I remember the cross.
I remember my Heavenly Daddy’s love for me.
I remember I need Him.
I remember that I’m a glorious mess in the process of living up to that which I’ve already obtained. One day this ruin will be clothed in white and made new. One day.
Until then I try to remember... Only One Thing is needed… choose wisely.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Remember
I have wanted to write about the concept of remembering for well over a week now. Especially with Memorial Day coming. But every time I sat down to do so, I couldn't type. I knew why too.
I wasn't ready. God had more to show me. And to be honest there's a whole lot more I need to see, but one way I "see" is to write it out. So here goes...
Think with me of all the ways remembering is highlighted in our culture:
In history~ Remember the Alamo!
In the movies~ Remember the Titans.
In songs like Bob Hope's “Thanks for the memories." It’s fitting to remember his devotion to our military and his desire that they be remembered. A quote from Bob Hope’s web site says, "Stop, pause and remember those men and women in uniform who have given their lives to protect our freedoms."
I hope you will.
My grandfather died in WW II. My dad is a retired soldier who was part of Desert Storm. Growing up military I saw things many people don’t see. Things that were seared into my heart which compel me stand tall and honor the men and women who serve our country. To honor the flag and the freedom they defend.
Things worth remembering.
Touching the Berlin Wall and listening to rifles in the distance remind East Berliners that freedom wasn’t theirs.
Looking into the eyes of an elderly East Berliner and seeing no hope of ever tasting freedom.
Holding the flag that draped my grandfather's coffin.
Waiting for my dad to come home from the Middle East, wondering if he would.
I learned first hand that freedom isn’t free.
But why remember? Why is remembering so important?
George Santayana said, “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
I agree. Look at history. George Bernard Shaw once said, “We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.”
But we can. If we remember.
“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” Maya Angelou
More reasons to remember are found throughout the pages of Scriptures. Over and over the children of Israel are encouraged to remember.
Remember that you were slaves.
Remember how the Lord your God led you.
Remember His commands.
God Himself through the prophet Isaiah commands us to remember.
Paul bids us in Colossians to “Remember my chains.”
We hear as we eat the bread and drink the wine (or grape juice) “Do this in remembrance of Me.”
Why?
Because when we fail to remember we fall.
When we forget we were (as in past tense) slaves, we continue to act like slaves.
When we forget the Lord’s awesome power and goodness, we complain and strive to meet our needs our own way.
When we forget His commands, we make our own rules to live by and end up worshiping ourselves and not God.
And when we forget His grace, we decide this life is too hard and we give up.
So God in His infinite wisdom sent the Holy Spirit who, “will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”
And on days like today, when I choose to be angry with someone who’s hurt me instead of forgive, God sends people like my best friend to be His voice. Through her, the Lord reminds me of the truth, making it up close and personal as only my best friend can.
She clearly and with great love holds up a mirror so I'll see my sin and the inevitable consequences. She also reminds me that God created me for Himself, for good. And even the rotten things of life, He promises He will bring good out of them.
She walks with the Lord and calls me out to do the same.
To remember.
Why?
In her words, “I remind you of the truth because I love you.”
Through her sometimes hard to hear words of correction, I hear my Savior’s call.
“Come to Me.” He says.
Why?
Because He knows me best and loves me most.
And that is worth remembering.
I wasn't ready. God had more to show me. And to be honest there's a whole lot more I need to see, but one way I "see" is to write it out. So here goes...
Think with me of all the ways remembering is highlighted in our culture:
In history~ Remember the Alamo!
In the movies~ Remember the Titans.
In songs like Bob Hope's “Thanks for the memories." It’s fitting to remember his devotion to our military and his desire that they be remembered. A quote from Bob Hope’s web site says, "Stop, pause and remember those men and women in uniform who have given their lives to protect our freedoms."
I hope you will.
My grandfather died in WW II. My dad is a retired soldier who was part of Desert Storm. Growing up military I saw things many people don’t see. Things that were seared into my heart which compel me stand tall and honor the men and women who serve our country. To honor the flag and the freedom they defend.
Things worth remembering.
Touching the Berlin Wall and listening to rifles in the distance remind East Berliners that freedom wasn’t theirs.
Looking into the eyes of an elderly East Berliner and seeing no hope of ever tasting freedom.
Holding the flag that draped my grandfather's coffin.
Waiting for my dad to come home from the Middle East, wondering if he would.
I learned first hand that freedom isn’t free.
But why remember? Why is remembering so important?
George Santayana said, “Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”
I agree. Look at history. George Bernard Shaw once said, “We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.”
But we can. If we remember.
“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.” Maya Angelou
More reasons to remember are found throughout the pages of Scriptures. Over and over the children of Israel are encouraged to remember.
Remember that you were slaves.
Remember how the Lord your God led you.
Remember His commands.
God Himself through the prophet Isaiah commands us to remember.
Paul bids us in Colossians to “Remember my chains.”
We hear as we eat the bread and drink the wine (or grape juice) “Do this in remembrance of Me.”
Why?
Because when we fail to remember we fall.
When we forget we were (as in past tense) slaves, we continue to act like slaves.
When we forget the Lord’s awesome power and goodness, we complain and strive to meet our needs our own way.
When we forget His commands, we make our own rules to live by and end up worshiping ourselves and not God.
And when we forget His grace, we decide this life is too hard and we give up.
So God in His infinite wisdom sent the Holy Spirit who, “will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.”
And on days like today, when I choose to be angry with someone who’s hurt me instead of forgive, God sends people like my best friend to be His voice. Through her, the Lord reminds me of the truth, making it up close and personal as only my best friend can.
She clearly and with great love holds up a mirror so I'll see my sin and the inevitable consequences. She also reminds me that God created me for Himself, for good. And even the rotten things of life, He promises He will bring good out of them.
She walks with the Lord and calls me out to do the same.
To remember.
Why?
In her words, “I remind you of the truth because I love you.”
Through her sometimes hard to hear words of correction, I hear my Savior’s call.
“Come to Me.” He says.
Why?
Because He knows me best and loves me most.
And that is worth remembering.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Deja Vu
Today's been a day of déjà vu. It’s been three weeks since my husband started his new job and we've spent the past three Mondays finding something to get snippy about and then the past three Thursdays finally making up. On top of that, today I've had three different conversations about the same thing...
Fear.
That little word contains a huge lesson God is teaching me—over and over again.
When words are repeated in Scripture like “verily, verily I say unto you…” it means, “this is important so listen up.” Guess I’m not listening well so God is speaking in repetition.
All about fear.
Before the marriage intensive I hadn't considered myself a fearful person. But since then I've learned a great deal about my inner motivations.
I fear rejection so I try hard to be the best I can be.
I fear appearing weak so I cover hurt with anger hoping no one will see the pain.
I learned to cope with fear in ways that made me feel powerful. Working hard and getting angry aren’t often connected with fear. But I know they’re closely related. God keeps making that clear to me.
Case in point: the last three weeks. When my husband has talked about how much he loves his job, the old fear of being abandoned rises up inside. So I’ve gotten angry instead of rejoicing in the gift of a job my husband enjoys.
And just in case I missed the last three lessons, God used three little girls to drive the point home today. First off, my oldest hid a children’s sewing needle we used for a craft project today. Why? She was afraid I’d throw it away. Then my middle daughter buried her head in my side during a thunderstorm. And, not to be outdone, my youngest went ballistic at the sound of a neighborhood dog.
Each time we talked about what the Bible says regarding fear. My older two quoted Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” We talked about how that verse applies to how we live and it hit me, that feeling of déjà vu.
With every discussion today, God repeated the first lesson I learned about fear: I will live out of what I believe. So when I am afraid, it’s because I’m not trusting God. I’m not believing the truth.
See, when I am afraid I won’t get what I want, like my oldest, it’s because I’m not trusting God to provide all I need. I’m not believing Philippians 4:19.
When I’m afraid of the storms, like my middle daughter, it’s because I don’t trust God will walk me through them. I’m not believing Isaiah 43:1-2.
And when I’m afraid of things that bark or bite, both dogs and situations, I’m not trusting God’s sovereignty and goodness to allow only what is for my best and His glory. I’m not believing Romans 8:28.
Choosing to trust, to believe the truth, is simple.
Not easy.
I’m so glad we have a God who is not upset by our need for reminders. The older I get (tomorrow’s birthday hallmarks yet another reason I need His holy repetition) the more I need.
Not only reminders.
But more of God.
That’s a pretty cool place to be.
Even if it takes a whopper case of déjà vu to realize.
Fear.
That little word contains a huge lesson God is teaching me—over and over again.
When words are repeated in Scripture like “verily, verily I say unto you…” it means, “this is important so listen up.” Guess I’m not listening well so God is speaking in repetition.
All about fear.
Before the marriage intensive I hadn't considered myself a fearful person. But since then I've learned a great deal about my inner motivations.
I fear rejection so I try hard to be the best I can be.
I fear appearing weak so I cover hurt with anger hoping no one will see the pain.
I learned to cope with fear in ways that made me feel powerful. Working hard and getting angry aren’t often connected with fear. But I know they’re closely related. God keeps making that clear to me.
Case in point: the last three weeks. When my husband has talked about how much he loves his job, the old fear of being abandoned rises up inside. So I’ve gotten angry instead of rejoicing in the gift of a job my husband enjoys.
And just in case I missed the last three lessons, God used three little girls to drive the point home today. First off, my oldest hid a children’s sewing needle we used for a craft project today. Why? She was afraid I’d throw it away. Then my middle daughter buried her head in my side during a thunderstorm. And, not to be outdone, my youngest went ballistic at the sound of a neighborhood dog.
Each time we talked about what the Bible says regarding fear. My older two quoted Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” We talked about how that verse applies to how we live and it hit me, that feeling of déjà vu.
With every discussion today, God repeated the first lesson I learned about fear: I will live out of what I believe. So when I am afraid, it’s because I’m not trusting God. I’m not believing the truth.
See, when I am afraid I won’t get what I want, like my oldest, it’s because I’m not trusting God to provide all I need. I’m not believing Philippians 4:19.
When I’m afraid of the storms, like my middle daughter, it’s because I don’t trust God will walk me through them. I’m not believing Isaiah 43:1-2.
And when I’m afraid of things that bark or bite, both dogs and situations, I’m not trusting God’s sovereignty and goodness to allow only what is for my best and His glory. I’m not believing Romans 8:28.
Choosing to trust, to believe the truth, is simple.
Not easy.
I’m so glad we have a God who is not upset by our need for reminders. The older I get (tomorrow’s birthday hallmarks yet another reason I need His holy repetition) the more I need.
Not only reminders.
But more of God.
That’s a pretty cool place to be.
Even if it takes a whopper case of déjà vu to realize.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Stretch Marks
With Mother's Day a recent memory and bathing suit season nipping at my heels, stretch marks happen to be much on my mind. After three children I have plenteous battle scars... all the way down to my knees. :-) I kid you not. Then the varicose veins take over. I'm a lovely colored map from my belly button to my toes.
Lest you question the validity of my stretch mark claims, let me share the weight of my third baby. Eleven pounds, eight ounces.
And all the moms groan for me, right?
Needless to say I do have stretch marks. One does not birth a three month old without some wear and tear. I'd like to say I look at those marks proudly. But I don't. I try to hide them every chance I get. On the other hand, I look at my baby very proudly. She's a delight to my heart, this side of my belly.
Then I thought of other stretch marks I'd like to hide as well. Those of a more spiritual nature. You know, those times when God sends circumstances into our lives that stretch us to the breaking point and often beyond.
I'd like to say I look at these growth opportunities with joy. But I don't. At least not at the time. I'm learning to count it all joy, but that's hard. Especially when the stretching visits places where I thought I'd been broken and healed.
Like my marriage.
In many ways I believed I'd done my time, spent a decade in the school of hard knocks, and recently arrived at a new and healthy place. I was hoping to retire my work gloves and whistle my "Don't worry, be happy" song. I'd earned some R&R, right?
Nope.
In the first place, I hadn't earned a thing. God, in His amazing love and grace, opened my eyes and heart to His healing work. Which is why I am in that new and healthy place.
But there’s still more work to do.
Thankfully, God knew this current stretching place would come and so He provided some neat tools specific to my need, designed to reach my heart. Just to remind me of His love.
He's such a cool Daddy.
The first is a great book called The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley It was given to us at the Marriage Intensive and, in connection with all we learned there, this book was a great refresher. God used one of the last things Gary said to tap me on the shoulder and remind me to listen closely. In chapter nine Gary said, "Even with the best of intentions, even when we know this material backward and forward, we can still slip into the old patterns and make a mess of things. But, thank God, when we realize our mistake, we have the ability to stop the madness and get back to sanity~ and back to building a healthy, safe, satisfying relationship."
Great thought to keep in mind I said. If I ever need it that is...
Today, I needed it.
I can’t believe I thought for a second I wouldn’t. I’m so glad God loves me and because He loves me He sends things to remind me I’m not as not as strong as I think.
Like Rich Mullins song “We are not as strong as we think we are.” In it Rich sings, “When you love you walk on the water
Just don’t stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin’ awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
Cause oh we are not as strong as we think we are.”
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who jumps out of the boat like Peter and then stumbles on those pesky waves.
Waves like adjusting to my husband going back to work after a year and a half of running his own web design company from our home. I get scared by the salty spray of change and forget to cry out, “Jesus, save me!”
So God provided another amazing book this morning. This one speaks to my heart every time I pick it up. It's called Objects of His Affection by Scotty Smith. This morning I wrote some of Scotty's words in my journal. "Foolishly we prefer fig leaves to the garments of God's grace." But, "God will not be deterred in getting our attention." He loves us too much to leave us alone.
Wow. God loves me enough not only to stretch me to the point of brokenness and beyond to healing, but He also keeps stretching me so I'll experience more and more of Him.
That's love.
A love so deep and so compelling that I can't look away. I don't want to. Even when it leaves stretch marks on my heart that rival the ones decorating my legs.
So here’s my invitation.
It’s an invitation to be stretched. To come join me in some wave walking.
But only with our hands in the Master’s hand.
Life is full of frightening waves and stretching circumstances. And stumbles and stretch marks are a part of the process. Today I realized they’re a part I’ll just have to accept. They don’t mean I didn’t get what I learned before. They just mean there’s more.
More times I get to reach out my hand and find Jesus there. Always there.
You know something else? As I write this, I'm slowly getting that stretch marks are something to be proud of and even something for which to be thankful.
Because the ones on my thighs mean I carried a precious bundle that was worth every single line.
And the stretch marks on my heart? They show that God is faithful to complete the work He's begun ~ one stretching place at a time.
Lest you question the validity of my stretch mark claims, let me share the weight of my third baby. Eleven pounds, eight ounces.
And all the moms groan for me, right?
Needless to say I do have stretch marks. One does not birth a three month old without some wear and tear. I'd like to say I look at those marks proudly. But I don't. I try to hide them every chance I get. On the other hand, I look at my baby very proudly. She's a delight to my heart, this side of my belly.
Then I thought of other stretch marks I'd like to hide as well. Those of a more spiritual nature. You know, those times when God sends circumstances into our lives that stretch us to the breaking point and often beyond.
I'd like to say I look at these growth opportunities with joy. But I don't. At least not at the time. I'm learning to count it all joy, but that's hard. Especially when the stretching visits places where I thought I'd been broken and healed.
Like my marriage.
In many ways I believed I'd done my time, spent a decade in the school of hard knocks, and recently arrived at a new and healthy place. I was hoping to retire my work gloves and whistle my "Don't worry, be happy" song. I'd earned some R&R, right?
Nope.
In the first place, I hadn't earned a thing. God, in His amazing love and grace, opened my eyes and heart to His healing work. Which is why I am in that new and healthy place.
But there’s still more work to do.
Thankfully, God knew this current stretching place would come and so He provided some neat tools specific to my need, designed to reach my heart. Just to remind me of His love.
He's such a cool Daddy.
The first is a great book called The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley It was given to us at the Marriage Intensive and, in connection with all we learned there, this book was a great refresher. God used one of the last things Gary said to tap me on the shoulder and remind me to listen closely. In chapter nine Gary said, "Even with the best of intentions, even when we know this material backward and forward, we can still slip into the old patterns and make a mess of things. But, thank God, when we realize our mistake, we have the ability to stop the madness and get back to sanity~ and back to building a healthy, safe, satisfying relationship."
Great thought to keep in mind I said. If I ever need it that is...
Today, I needed it.
I can’t believe I thought for a second I wouldn’t. I’m so glad God loves me and because He loves me He sends things to remind me I’m not as not as strong as I think.
Like Rich Mullins song “We are not as strong as we think we are.” In it Rich sings, “When you love you walk on the water
Just don’t stumble on the waves
We all want to go there somethin’ awful
But to stand there it takes some grace
Cause oh we are not as strong as we think we are.”
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who jumps out of the boat like Peter and then stumbles on those pesky waves.
Waves like adjusting to my husband going back to work after a year and a half of running his own web design company from our home. I get scared by the salty spray of change and forget to cry out, “Jesus, save me!”
So God provided another amazing book this morning. This one speaks to my heart every time I pick it up. It's called Objects of His Affection by Scotty Smith. This morning I wrote some of Scotty's words in my journal. "Foolishly we prefer fig leaves to the garments of God's grace." But, "God will not be deterred in getting our attention." He loves us too much to leave us alone.
Wow. God loves me enough not only to stretch me to the point of brokenness and beyond to healing, but He also keeps stretching me so I'll experience more and more of Him.
That's love.
A love so deep and so compelling that I can't look away. I don't want to. Even when it leaves stretch marks on my heart that rival the ones decorating my legs.
So here’s my invitation.
It’s an invitation to be stretched. To come join me in some wave walking.
But only with our hands in the Master’s hand.
Life is full of frightening waves and stretching circumstances. And stumbles and stretch marks are a part of the process. Today I realized they’re a part I’ll just have to accept. They don’t mean I didn’t get what I learned before. They just mean there’s more.
More times I get to reach out my hand and find Jesus there. Always there.
You know something else? As I write this, I'm slowly getting that stretch marks are something to be proud of and even something for which to be thankful.
Because the ones on my thighs mean I carried a precious bundle that was worth every single line.
And the stretch marks on my heart? They show that God is faithful to complete the work He's begun ~ one stretching place at a time.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
A Mother's Day gift to yourself
Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!!! You are such a precious gift to your family. Enjoy this day set aside to celebrate you!
My little ones are spending Saturday morning with their daddy creating beautiful cards and conspiring over plans for tomorrow’s breakfast in bed. I'm praying it will have lots of chocolate that for once doesn't stay with me long after the great taste has passed. ;-)
What I look forward to most of all though are the sweet kisses and hugs they will wrap up in words and present to me in the morning. This day is an extra special one in my home. My girls’ celebration of me is a reminder that God is faithful to take all the bad stuff of my past and my actions each day and bring good from them.
But I'll only experience the fullness of that through a word we so seldom apply to ourselves as moms.
Forgiven.
We know we are forgiven by God. I hear every day that I am forgiven by my precious princesses. Maybe you don't require daily forgiveness from your children, but I have learned that I do and my heart is so touched by their quick and loving forgiveness. It's humbling to hear how I've hurt them with harsh words or discipline that didn't meet the need, but it's also a precious reminder of why Jesus tells us to come like children. My girls are so honest to tell me how they feel and so honest to tell me how totally they forgive me. And they are also so quick to tell me how completely they love me.
Through them I experience a taste of the Father's forgiveness.
And it's even better than chocolate. :-)
But I wonder how many of us extend that type of forgiveness to ourselves? Have you ever yelled or failed to do all you thought you had to get done and decided rather than "let yourself off the hook" you would "try harder" and "do better" next time? You'd pray more, read more, memorize more verses to counter whatever area you most struggle in, and hope that will help. But your heart still feels like you’re wearing a dress three sizes to small. And you’re still struggling and exhausted.
Am I alone in that?
If not, join me in learning to extend the precious gift of forgiveness to your mommy heart and enjoy the breath of freedom the gift of forgiveness gives.
In my post called Borrowed Hope I shared some specific dance steps that can draw you into an incredible rhythm of grace with your heavenly Daddy. Please take a moment to read those steps for the first time or refresh your memory. It will be moments well spent.
The last of those steps was forgiveness~ the dance’s grand finale. A beautiful step that flows from a heart that is honest with the Lord and is learning to let Him heal, restore, and renew.
As I’ve joined this amazing dance, I’ve found forgiving others frees me. My hands had grown tired of the strangle hold I’d kept on so many people. (Matthew 18:28) When I let go of my expectations that these people could some how make up for the pain I felt, my hands began to relax.
But I still kept a firm hold on my own neck. While I could let these other people go to God’s care and healing, I just couldn’t make myself believe I deserved the same treatment.
You see, I’d seen the tears in my children’s eyes from my raised voice and harsh words. I’d felt the hardness of my own heart because I’d tried to change so many times, but failed. For a time I wasn’t willing to risk forgiving myself because I feared facing the fact that I could never make up for my actions to anyone.
But God in His mercy and grace brought me face to face with my failure and showed me the cross. He spoke in His loving way that He’d already paid for all my harsh words, angry discipline, and all the other ways I didn’t measure up.
And so I let go. I let the tears come. Tears for all the tears my daughter’s cried, tears of regret, and tears of pure sorrow.
Then I let God be God and stopped trying to be my own judge and jury. I chose to believe His cross truly did pay the price for me.
I forgive my girls quickly because I trust their hearts. I’m learning to do this with my husband as well. And myself too. I’m learning to trust my heart because the Lord says He’s cleansed me and has given me a new heart. His.
And through forgiving myself I’m learning to see me the way the Lord sees me.
Forgiven.
A treasure.
His beloved child with whom He is well pleased.
Please give yourself the same gift. Hang out with the Lord and let Him show you His amazing love for you, Mom.
And while my girls celebrate me tomorrow, I’ll be celebrating you. Praying that you will give yourself the gift of forgiveness and see yourself as the amazing gift you are.
Happy Mother’s Day!
My little ones are spending Saturday morning with their daddy creating beautiful cards and conspiring over plans for tomorrow’s breakfast in bed. I'm praying it will have lots of chocolate that for once doesn't stay with me long after the great taste has passed. ;-)
What I look forward to most of all though are the sweet kisses and hugs they will wrap up in words and present to me in the morning. This day is an extra special one in my home. My girls’ celebration of me is a reminder that God is faithful to take all the bad stuff of my past and my actions each day and bring good from them.
But I'll only experience the fullness of that through a word we so seldom apply to ourselves as moms.
Forgiven.
We know we are forgiven by God. I hear every day that I am forgiven by my precious princesses. Maybe you don't require daily forgiveness from your children, but I have learned that I do and my heart is so touched by their quick and loving forgiveness. It's humbling to hear how I've hurt them with harsh words or discipline that didn't meet the need, but it's also a precious reminder of why Jesus tells us to come like children. My girls are so honest to tell me how they feel and so honest to tell me how totally they forgive me. And they are also so quick to tell me how completely they love me.
Through them I experience a taste of the Father's forgiveness.
And it's even better than chocolate. :-)
But I wonder how many of us extend that type of forgiveness to ourselves? Have you ever yelled or failed to do all you thought you had to get done and decided rather than "let yourself off the hook" you would "try harder" and "do better" next time? You'd pray more, read more, memorize more verses to counter whatever area you most struggle in, and hope that will help. But your heart still feels like you’re wearing a dress three sizes to small. And you’re still struggling and exhausted.
Am I alone in that?
If not, join me in learning to extend the precious gift of forgiveness to your mommy heart and enjoy the breath of freedom the gift of forgiveness gives.
In my post called Borrowed Hope I shared some specific dance steps that can draw you into an incredible rhythm of grace with your heavenly Daddy. Please take a moment to read those steps for the first time or refresh your memory. It will be moments well spent.
The last of those steps was forgiveness~ the dance’s grand finale. A beautiful step that flows from a heart that is honest with the Lord and is learning to let Him heal, restore, and renew.
As I’ve joined this amazing dance, I’ve found forgiving others frees me. My hands had grown tired of the strangle hold I’d kept on so many people. (Matthew 18:28) When I let go of my expectations that these people could some how make up for the pain I felt, my hands began to relax.
But I still kept a firm hold on my own neck. While I could let these other people go to God’s care and healing, I just couldn’t make myself believe I deserved the same treatment.
You see, I’d seen the tears in my children’s eyes from my raised voice and harsh words. I’d felt the hardness of my own heart because I’d tried to change so many times, but failed. For a time I wasn’t willing to risk forgiving myself because I feared facing the fact that I could never make up for my actions to anyone.
But God in His mercy and grace brought me face to face with my failure and showed me the cross. He spoke in His loving way that He’d already paid for all my harsh words, angry discipline, and all the other ways I didn’t measure up.
And so I let go. I let the tears come. Tears for all the tears my daughter’s cried, tears of regret, and tears of pure sorrow.
Then I let God be God and stopped trying to be my own judge and jury. I chose to believe His cross truly did pay the price for me.
I forgive my girls quickly because I trust their hearts. I’m learning to do this with my husband as well. And myself too. I’m learning to trust my heart because the Lord says He’s cleansed me and has given me a new heart. His.
And through forgiving myself I’m learning to see me the way the Lord sees me.
Forgiven.
A treasure.
His beloved child with whom He is well pleased.
Please give yourself the same gift. Hang out with the Lord and let Him show you His amazing love for you, Mom.
And while my girls celebrate me tomorrow, I’ll be celebrating you. Praying that you will give yourself the gift of forgiveness and see yourself as the amazing gift you are.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Saturday, April 30, 2005
A Mom's Greatest Gift
There's one thing the Lord consistently uses to touch my heart when nothing else will— My three pint-sized princesses. Through them, He shows me more of His heart and more of my need for Him.
My girls greet me with hugs and kisses and tell me I'm, "the most beautifulest and wonderfulest mommy in the world" even when I feel every bit the opposite. A precious glimpse of His unconditional love.
When their sad eyes water because of the hurtful lies they believe when I speak harshly, God uses those little faces to drive me to my knees and back to Him.
When I want to hide from the world because of all the pain and unhealthiness I see "out there" and in me, my little girls smile and tell me that when they grow up they want to be like Jesus and help people and tell them God loves them. Their pure enjoyment of God and desire to share Him with others reminds me that even in the bad, God is good and He has good plans.
But I have to say the neatest thing they've shown me is a picture perfect example of a truth I learned at the Smalley Marriage Intensive. I'll share two illustrations...
The first is from the day after my husband and I returned home from the Intensive. After four full days of not seeing our girls, we went into each of their rooms together to say good morning. We shared a little of how God answered their prayers in that He was working in our hearts and healing our marriage. My oldest daughter's eyes danced while we talked. Then when we were done, she jumped from her bed and hugged us at the same time~ a very long and tight hug. Our middle daughter had the same intense reaction and added, "I'm so happy you went and that you're home." Our youngest wiggled with smiles.
My girls all danced with hope that God was indeed healing their mommy and daddy's hearts. I will always treasure the look in their smiling eyes. Eyes full of joy, anticipation, and brimming over with love.
Another illustration is from a few days later. As the girls and I settled back into our everyday routine, I shared many of the things we had learned at the intensive. We talked about living out of fear and how to get out of that fear cycle by running to God and asking Him what's going on in our hearts. Then asking what He says about the heart messages.
One morning's chaos gave an opportunity to put into practice what I'd been teaching. My oldest spent the morning talking over people, talking when she was supposed to be working, and not giving anyone else a chance to speak. I pointed out her demand to be heard was coming out of a heart wound. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I don't think anyone will listen to me. I'm afraid people will think I'm not good enough to listen to."
My heart hurt. We sat on our couch and I asked her when was the first time she could remember feeling that way. She talked about me yelling at her years before over a handwriting assignment. I listened and my heart broke for the pain I'd opened her up to with my unhealthy way of handling stress by yelling. After she finished sharing her memories, I suggested she head up to her room and grab her teddy bear and talk to God about all that hurt and ask Him what the truth was.
She went to her room and the crying I heard nearly shattered my heart. She bawled and bawled. I bawled with her downstairs, but didn't go try to make it okay. I knew God could do a better job than I could.
When she came down we talked about her hurt. I listened and cried with her. I shared how I was so wrong to yell and how sorry I was that she hurt. We talked about the lies she believed when I yelled. The lies that she was “not good enough” or “not worth listening to.” I asked her to forgive me for yelling. She did. She went on to share what truth God spoke to her hurt. "He told me that He loves me no matter what I do."
Such simple truth shone from her eyes. I knew she'd heard the Lord and He'd worked in her heart. But what she shared next, I will forever treasure in my heart. My oldest looked at me and with tears in her eyes said, "Thank you, Mommy. I'm so glad you went to that marriage thing." She hugged me with a fierce hug and skipped away.
I sat there awed by what God had done in my heart and in hers.
In my daughter’s eyes and thanks I saw an amazing truth: The greatest gift I can give my children is my own health.
Without getting with God to heal my heart, I could not have helped my daughter learn how to run to God.
Without being healthy, I could not have heard her pain, cried with her, and asked forgiveness.
Without God’s healing in my heart, I could not have shown my girls what Christlikeness looks like in skin and bones.
And without both my husband and I receiving the healing that only truth from God brings, we could not have shown them the power of forgiveness, the picture of Christ and the church in marriage, or given the gift of a healthy home.
All these things will aid them well in their walk with the Lord. They won’t have to spend thirty plus years wondering around in a desert of longing and pain with hurts and lies from the enemy filling their hearts. Those lies that constrain us like the grave wrappings Jesus commanded taken from Lazarus when He raised His friend from death.
My girls will have to make their own choices as they journey with the Lord. My heart health won’t prevent them from experiencing pain. But living from a whole, full, and healthy heart will show them how to handle that pain. It will show them truth not hidden by an unhealthy life.
And we know as absolute fact, “You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.”
That’s the greatest gift of all.
My girls greet me with hugs and kisses and tell me I'm, "the most beautifulest and wonderfulest mommy in the world" even when I feel every bit the opposite. A precious glimpse of His unconditional love.
When their sad eyes water because of the hurtful lies they believe when I speak harshly, God uses those little faces to drive me to my knees and back to Him.
When I want to hide from the world because of all the pain and unhealthiness I see "out there" and in me, my little girls smile and tell me that when they grow up they want to be like Jesus and help people and tell them God loves them. Their pure enjoyment of God and desire to share Him with others reminds me that even in the bad, God is good and He has good plans.
But I have to say the neatest thing they've shown me is a picture perfect example of a truth I learned at the Smalley Marriage Intensive. I'll share two illustrations...
The first is from the day after my husband and I returned home from the Intensive. After four full days of not seeing our girls, we went into each of their rooms together to say good morning. We shared a little of how God answered their prayers in that He was working in our hearts and healing our marriage. My oldest daughter's eyes danced while we talked. Then when we were done, she jumped from her bed and hugged us at the same time~ a very long and tight hug. Our middle daughter had the same intense reaction and added, "I'm so happy you went and that you're home." Our youngest wiggled with smiles.
My girls all danced with hope that God was indeed healing their mommy and daddy's hearts. I will always treasure the look in their smiling eyes. Eyes full of joy, anticipation, and brimming over with love.
Another illustration is from a few days later. As the girls and I settled back into our everyday routine, I shared many of the things we had learned at the intensive. We talked about living out of fear and how to get out of that fear cycle by running to God and asking Him what's going on in our hearts. Then asking what He says about the heart messages.
One morning's chaos gave an opportunity to put into practice what I'd been teaching. My oldest spent the morning talking over people, talking when she was supposed to be working, and not giving anyone else a chance to speak. I pointed out her demand to be heard was coming out of a heart wound. She looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I don't think anyone will listen to me. I'm afraid people will think I'm not good enough to listen to."
My heart hurt. We sat on our couch and I asked her when was the first time she could remember feeling that way. She talked about me yelling at her years before over a handwriting assignment. I listened and my heart broke for the pain I'd opened her up to with my unhealthy way of handling stress by yelling. After she finished sharing her memories, I suggested she head up to her room and grab her teddy bear and talk to God about all that hurt and ask Him what the truth was.
She went to her room and the crying I heard nearly shattered my heart. She bawled and bawled. I bawled with her downstairs, but didn't go try to make it okay. I knew God could do a better job than I could.
When she came down we talked about her hurt. I listened and cried with her. I shared how I was so wrong to yell and how sorry I was that she hurt. We talked about the lies she believed when I yelled. The lies that she was “not good enough” or “not worth listening to.” I asked her to forgive me for yelling. She did. She went on to share what truth God spoke to her hurt. "He told me that He loves me no matter what I do."
Such simple truth shone from her eyes. I knew she'd heard the Lord and He'd worked in her heart. But what she shared next, I will forever treasure in my heart. My oldest looked at me and with tears in her eyes said, "Thank you, Mommy. I'm so glad you went to that marriage thing." She hugged me with a fierce hug and skipped away.
I sat there awed by what God had done in my heart and in hers.
In my daughter’s eyes and thanks I saw an amazing truth: The greatest gift I can give my children is my own health.
Without getting with God to heal my heart, I could not have helped my daughter learn how to run to God.
Without being healthy, I could not have heard her pain, cried with her, and asked forgiveness.
Without God’s healing in my heart, I could not have shown my girls what Christlikeness looks like in skin and bones.
And without both my husband and I receiving the healing that only truth from God brings, we could not have shown them the power of forgiveness, the picture of Christ and the church in marriage, or given the gift of a healthy home.
All these things will aid them well in their walk with the Lord. They won’t have to spend thirty plus years wondering around in a desert of longing and pain with hurts and lies from the enemy filling their hearts. Those lies that constrain us like the grave wrappings Jesus commanded taken from Lazarus when He raised His friend from death.
My girls will have to make their own choices as they journey with the Lord. My heart health won’t prevent them from experiencing pain. But living from a whole, full, and healthy heart will show them how to handle that pain. It will show them truth not hidden by an unhealthy life.
And we know as absolute fact, “You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.”
That’s the greatest gift of all.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Welcome Home
Every step I take in this long, ornate hallway lined with knights in armor causes my heart to beat a thousand times faster. Picture Cogsworth from Beauty and the Beast spouting off details about the rich Rococo design and the history behind each tapestry. Only I'm not being taken to a room and treated to dinner. I'm going to see a King. Behind the heavy door at the end of the hall, a King sits on his throne dressed in fine purple robes.
A King who holds my future in his hands.
I smooth my dusty brown peasant's cloak and pray the King is in a good mood. Today I have come with the sole purpose of delaying my family's inevitable residence in the King's dungeon.
The grand door opens and I hobble my way forward to bow before the throne. Only I trip before I reach the bottom step and find myself on my face. From my humble position I squeak out a hurried plea for help.
I hear in response that I owe the crown far more than I can pay this month. Or, truth be told, in the next hundred years. The King then says a plethora of words I fail to comprehend. But one I grasp. Cancelled. The King's servants escort me out of the room before I can gush my thanks.
Good thing. I have no idea what one says to thank a King. I hurry home to share the good news and my plans to work harder and repay this King's kindness. He was so good to spare us the fate we knew awaited us all.
Everyone in our little cottage agrees to help. Even the smallest child promises to work hard to do all they can for this kind King. We set to work, singing as we go. On the way, a woman who I used to name a friend stops me. She's spread humiliating rumors about me going to visit the King and laughs about the details she purposely exaggerated.
"For effect, you know. Good stories require a little spice."
In her wild laughter over the lies she's spread about me, I remember she owes me money. I grab her by the throat and demand she repay everything. This will prove a quick way to lighten the burden of what I want to give the King.
Then I remember his kindness to me.
So instead, I drag her toward the castle, intent on restoring my honor by proving her wrong with the King's own words. Along the way a crowd joins us. It’s filled with others who have hurt me. Unkind words, obvious snubs, those who no longer associate with my family because of our poorer estate. They're all curious. And I intend to prove to every one that I am better than they have treated me.
I've been in the presence of the King.
As our large group is ushered before the throne, the King asks the reason for our coming. I start to answer, but my gossiping former friend speaks first. She details all the mistakes of my past, seeking to prove my unworthiness before the King.
I grab her by the throat again, intent on silencing her words. In her eyes I see the face of every person who has ever wronged me. My humiliation before the King, my hurt and pain, drives the fury of my hold on this woman.
Then in her eyes, I see a face hauntingly like my own. Not the face of my child. This is the face of a child no one claimed. A child no one listened to. A child who believed no one cared.
This face is mine.
Instead of releasing my hold, I tighten it. I want all the memories of my past wiped away forever. I want the face of this child erased from my mind. This face I rejected and have spent a lifetime running from.
I remember again the King's kindness to me. Again he speaks. But this time to the woman in my grasp.
"My precious child, you are forgiven."
I release my hold.
My former friend kneels before the King. Then she turns to me. Her eyes, the ones that minutes ago held every memory of hurt and pain and all the faces of my past, have changed.
"You are forgiven too." She says.
Before the King, in utter humiliation, I cry. I cry the tears of that little girl I rejected so many years ago. I cry the tears she never shed for all the pain that came her way. I cry the tears I refused to shed when those standing around me inflicted their hurt.
The King speaks. This time to me. "Come home, dear child. Come home."
My former friend, with eyes so like the little girl of my past, extends her arms.
I stand. Before I can talk myself out of rash action, I run into her embrace. Through my tears, I whisper, "I'm sorry." I hug her tightly and with her that little girl and all those faces that haunt my memories. In that embrace I grieve the pain and release my hold on those I had hoped would pay me what they owed.
In releasing them, I find myself freed.
The King smiles at me and draws me into his embrace. “Welcome home, child. Welcome home.”
A King who holds my future in his hands.
I smooth my dusty brown peasant's cloak and pray the King is in a good mood. Today I have come with the sole purpose of delaying my family's inevitable residence in the King's dungeon.
The grand door opens and I hobble my way forward to bow before the throne. Only I trip before I reach the bottom step and find myself on my face. From my humble position I squeak out a hurried plea for help.
I hear in response that I owe the crown far more than I can pay this month. Or, truth be told, in the next hundred years. The King then says a plethora of words I fail to comprehend. But one I grasp. Cancelled. The King's servants escort me out of the room before I can gush my thanks.
Good thing. I have no idea what one says to thank a King. I hurry home to share the good news and my plans to work harder and repay this King's kindness. He was so good to spare us the fate we knew awaited us all.
Everyone in our little cottage agrees to help. Even the smallest child promises to work hard to do all they can for this kind King. We set to work, singing as we go. On the way, a woman who I used to name a friend stops me. She's spread humiliating rumors about me going to visit the King and laughs about the details she purposely exaggerated.
"For effect, you know. Good stories require a little spice."
In her wild laughter over the lies she's spread about me, I remember she owes me money. I grab her by the throat and demand she repay everything. This will prove a quick way to lighten the burden of what I want to give the King.
Then I remember his kindness to me.
So instead, I drag her toward the castle, intent on restoring my honor by proving her wrong with the King's own words. Along the way a crowd joins us. It’s filled with others who have hurt me. Unkind words, obvious snubs, those who no longer associate with my family because of our poorer estate. They're all curious. And I intend to prove to every one that I am better than they have treated me.
I've been in the presence of the King.
As our large group is ushered before the throne, the King asks the reason for our coming. I start to answer, but my gossiping former friend speaks first. She details all the mistakes of my past, seeking to prove my unworthiness before the King.
I grab her by the throat again, intent on silencing her words. In her eyes I see the face of every person who has ever wronged me. My humiliation before the King, my hurt and pain, drives the fury of my hold on this woman.
Then in her eyes, I see a face hauntingly like my own. Not the face of my child. This is the face of a child no one claimed. A child no one listened to. A child who believed no one cared.
This face is mine.
Instead of releasing my hold, I tighten it. I want all the memories of my past wiped away forever. I want the face of this child erased from my mind. This face I rejected and have spent a lifetime running from.
I remember again the King's kindness to me. Again he speaks. But this time to the woman in my grasp.
"My precious child, you are forgiven."
I release my hold.
My former friend kneels before the King. Then she turns to me. Her eyes, the ones that minutes ago held every memory of hurt and pain and all the faces of my past, have changed.
"You are forgiven too." She says.
Before the King, in utter humiliation, I cry. I cry the tears of that little girl I rejected so many years ago. I cry the tears she never shed for all the pain that came her way. I cry the tears I refused to shed when those standing around me inflicted their hurt.
The King speaks. This time to me. "Come home, dear child. Come home."
My former friend, with eyes so like the little girl of my past, extends her arms.
I stand. Before I can talk myself out of rash action, I run into her embrace. Through my tears, I whisper, "I'm sorry." I hug her tightly and with her that little girl and all those faces that haunt my memories. In that embrace I grieve the pain and release my hold on those I had hoped would pay me what they owed.
In releasing them, I find myself freed.
The King smiles at me and draws me into his embrace. “Welcome home, child. Welcome home.”
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Time
Think with me for a moment what that word TIME means. What phrases come to mind?
Time keeps ticking away...
Time to make a change...
Never seems to be enough time to do the things I want to do...
All of those lines are from songs that ran through my head as I started typing. Not a surprise. God often speaks to me through a song. He also speaks when I take that weird word~ TIME~ and spend it with Him. Not just time to read my Bible and pray for people. Those are good, and even vital things to do, but for me they weren’t getting to the heart of my problem this week. What I was missing was time spent really listening to God.
You see, instead of listening, I've been thinking about time: The time I’ve been waiting for editors to get back to me about articles and novels. (They haven’t yet. I’d appreciate your prayers. :-) ) The time I’ve not spent writing when I know I’m supposed to be writing. And the time I’ve been eating instead of listening to the stuff going on in my heart. Add to that all the time I spend doing “things” with little to show at the end of the day for all the energy I’ve expended.
But in the back of my mind, I knew God was brewing something in my heart that just today He opened my eyes to see.
Funny how His timing is always perfect.
So, after a lot of wasted time this week brooding over what I wasn’t getting done, I looked up the word TIME on Merriam Webster. Here are some of the definitions I found:
"The measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues." ex: The excruciating time it takes for an editor to respond to requested material.
"An opportune or suitable moment." ex: The time when a contract comes in the mail. Or doesn’t, as the case may be.
I thought these were funny: "A period of apprenticeship; a term of service; a prison sentence." Some days feel like that don’t they?
Here’s what I think of most when I think of the word TIME: "A moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar."
Then, instead of listening to God, I contemplated (with self-contempt) that I have the same 24 hours a day as everyone else on this planet. Even Jesus when He walked here. How come I get so little done when others are doing so much?
The Lord, in His mercy, stopped my downward spiral of negative self-talk. But first He had to show me what I’d really been thinking (and trying to ignore that I was feeling) this week. That hurt. In fact, after taking some time this morning to read a devotion in a wonderful book for writers called Write His Answer, the Lord brought me to tears.
The devotion was appropriately picked by God for this day. It was called “Keeping Fit” and discussed how eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep are important disciplines that affect everything else I do. But what got me was the poem that talked about 1 Corinthians love for myself. Marlene Bagnull wrote:
“I must first love myself as God loves me;
Then I can love others as myself.
Love is being patient with me
When I am slow learning the lessons
The Lord would teach me.
Love is kind
It does not allow me
To compare myself to others,
To put myself down,
To punish myself for my mistakes.
Love means believing in the potential
God has placed within me
And trusting Him to bring about
My completeness in Him.”
Here I’ve been writing in this blog about spending time with God instead of hiding and learning to love yourself, and yet this past week, I’d forgotten those important lessons. Especially in regards to the time I waste thinking badly about myself.
Funny how it takes no time to forget what we so desperately need to remember.
It also takes no time for the Lord to reveal the truth when we take a few moments of time to listen.
After I read that devotion, the Lord twirled me away from the computer and plopped me on the floor with my battered teddy bear heart and a stuffed bunny in my arms and said, “Listen.”
When I finally stopped crying and confessing all the ways I know I failed this week, the Lord revealed what was going on in my heart. I’ve been believing this week that I’m a failure~ with my body, because I still have more weight to lose and even though I’m doing push-ups, I’m not pushing away the extra food. And with my writing, I’ve believed I’m a failure because my writing isn’t getting the attention I had hoped it would be by now. Strange how this comes just after my first story was published.
After that, God spoke to my heart. He spoke again the words He whispered to my heart when He began the painful process of cleaning out the heart messages and lies I’ve lived by for so long. He said, “You are my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.” He added, “I have a good plan for you, Amy. Trust Me.”
Then, as I spent some more time crying and praying and praising Him, He spoke to me through the verse He had given me seven months ago about my writing. 2 Timothy 1:9 (written and posted by my computer) says, “Father, You have saved me and called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to Your own purpose and grace which You granted me in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.”
Certain words jumped out at me. TIME being a big one. God, in His infinite wisdom and love, decided the good works He would accomplish through me (Eph 2:10), His holy calling, according to His purpose and IN HIS TIME. All BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. My work according to John 6:29 is this: “Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.’”
My work is not to run away from my feelings or what’s happening in my heart. It’s not to worry and stress about TIME and what I am or am not doing with it. It’s not even to run after good things to do for God.
My work is to sit and listen. Like Mary. To hang out with Him, wrapped in His arms, and listen to the Truth.
And believe.
Will you join me? It will be TIME well spent.
Time keeps ticking away...
Time to make a change...
Never seems to be enough time to do the things I want to do...
All of those lines are from songs that ran through my head as I started typing. Not a surprise. God often speaks to me through a song. He also speaks when I take that weird word~ TIME~ and spend it with Him. Not just time to read my Bible and pray for people. Those are good, and even vital things to do, but for me they weren’t getting to the heart of my problem this week. What I was missing was time spent really listening to God.
You see, instead of listening, I've been thinking about time: The time I’ve been waiting for editors to get back to me about articles and novels. (They haven’t yet. I’d appreciate your prayers. :-) ) The time I’ve not spent writing when I know I’m supposed to be writing. And the time I’ve been eating instead of listening to the stuff going on in my heart. Add to that all the time I spend doing “things” with little to show at the end of the day for all the energy I’ve expended.
But in the back of my mind, I knew God was brewing something in my heart that just today He opened my eyes to see.
Funny how His timing is always perfect.
So, after a lot of wasted time this week brooding over what I wasn’t getting done, I looked up the word TIME on Merriam Webster. Here are some of the definitions I found:
"The measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues." ex: The excruciating time it takes for an editor to respond to requested material.
"An opportune or suitable moment." ex: The time when a contract comes in the mail. Or doesn’t, as the case may be.
I thought these were funny: "A period of apprenticeship; a term of service; a prison sentence." Some days feel like that don’t they?
Here’s what I think of most when I think of the word TIME: "A moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar."
Then, instead of listening to God, I contemplated (with self-contempt) that I have the same 24 hours a day as everyone else on this planet. Even Jesus when He walked here. How come I get so little done when others are doing so much?
The Lord, in His mercy, stopped my downward spiral of negative self-talk. But first He had to show me what I’d really been thinking (and trying to ignore that I was feeling) this week. That hurt. In fact, after taking some time this morning to read a devotion in a wonderful book for writers called Write His Answer, the Lord brought me to tears.
The devotion was appropriately picked by God for this day. It was called “Keeping Fit” and discussed how eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep are important disciplines that affect everything else I do. But what got me was the poem that talked about 1 Corinthians love for myself. Marlene Bagnull wrote:
“I must first love myself as God loves me;
Then I can love others as myself.
Love is being patient with me
When I am slow learning the lessons
The Lord would teach me.
Love is kind
It does not allow me
To compare myself to others,
To put myself down,
To punish myself for my mistakes.
Love means believing in the potential
God has placed within me
And trusting Him to bring about
My completeness in Him.”
Here I’ve been writing in this blog about spending time with God instead of hiding and learning to love yourself, and yet this past week, I’d forgotten those important lessons. Especially in regards to the time I waste thinking badly about myself.
Funny how it takes no time to forget what we so desperately need to remember.
It also takes no time for the Lord to reveal the truth when we take a few moments of time to listen.
After I read that devotion, the Lord twirled me away from the computer and plopped me on the floor with my battered teddy bear heart and a stuffed bunny in my arms and said, “Listen.”
When I finally stopped crying and confessing all the ways I know I failed this week, the Lord revealed what was going on in my heart. I’ve been believing this week that I’m a failure~ with my body, because I still have more weight to lose and even though I’m doing push-ups, I’m not pushing away the extra food. And with my writing, I’ve believed I’m a failure because my writing isn’t getting the attention I had hoped it would be by now. Strange how this comes just after my first story was published.
After that, God spoke to my heart. He spoke again the words He whispered to my heart when He began the painful process of cleaning out the heart messages and lies I’ve lived by for so long. He said, “You are my beloved child, in whom I am well pleased.” He added, “I have a good plan for you, Amy. Trust Me.”
Then, as I spent some more time crying and praying and praising Him, He spoke to me through the verse He had given me seven months ago about my writing. 2 Timothy 1:9 (written and posted by my computer) says, “Father, You have saved me and called me with a holy calling, not according to my works, but according to Your own purpose and grace which You granted me in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time.”
Certain words jumped out at me. TIME being a big one. God, in His infinite wisdom and love, decided the good works He would accomplish through me (Eph 2:10), His holy calling, according to His purpose and IN HIS TIME. All BEFORE THE BEGINNING OF TIME. My work according to John 6:29 is this: “Jesus answered, ‘The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.’”
My work is not to run away from my feelings or what’s happening in my heart. It’s not to worry and stress about TIME and what I am or am not doing with it. It’s not even to run after good things to do for God.
My work is to sit and listen. Like Mary. To hang out with Him, wrapped in His arms, and listen to the Truth.
And believe.
Will you join me? It will be TIME well spent.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
The call of God
I sat in church the other day taking notes. Some about the sermon, and some (on another notepad) about a new novel brewing in my mind. My oldest princess caught me. ;-) "You have TWO of those note pads, Mommy?" Yep. And even more in my purse, in my car, at my desk, by my bed. Inspiration strikes at the oddest of times. I'm still waiting for my oldest to invent that million-dollar gadget that will let me write my inspirations down in the shower. :-D
But I digress.
On my second notepad when my little girl caught me writing book ideas, I was also writing a prayer for an unmarried couple in front of us at church. The degree to which the young lady was into this gentleman caused my heart to cry out for her. The degree to which she missed that he wasn't as equally into her touched a spot in my heart that stings, even after ten years of marriage. I remember longing for someone to love me with that same intensity. I remember snuggling up close and believing that relationship was all I needed. Unfortunately, I wasn't safe in that because my longing wasn't really for that person, it was for them to fill me. And no one could.
So I hid. I hid from the truth that no person could fill that need by trying over and over to find someone who could. In time, I learned to live with the guilt of being "too much" or "too needy" and move on after one more relationship crumbled under the strain of that bottomless well of need.
Watching that cycle continue in the couple at church Sunday, my heart longed to reach out to them and share the truths that took me over ten years and many tears to learn:
"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." Oswald Chambers
"We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. Our need does not constitute anyone else's call but God's" Beth Moore
What I've finally received in the deepest part of my heart and am learning to walk out of is that my cavernous need to be loved will be satisfied first in God.
Or it won't be satisfied at all.
Like the young couple at church, I can be so into someone, hoping they will make me feel loved. And sooner or later that person will fall under the weight of that call to love me. Or I can do the flip side and try very hard to fulfill that call to love someone else. And sooner or later, I too will fall under the weight of a burden I can't begin to carry.
A better option by far is to realize my need to be loved is the call of God.
He calls me to come to Him.
Come to be loved.
Come to be filled.
Come to be forgiven.
He answers the deep call of my heart and satisfies me to overflowing. Then He sets out with me to proclaim that truth. To call others to the amazing love that awaits them in the presence of God. To love as Jesus loves.
But before I can love with a safe love, I have to find my fill in Him.
And then, only then, can I go and love likewise.
But I digress.
On my second notepad when my little girl caught me writing book ideas, I was also writing a prayer for an unmarried couple in front of us at church. The degree to which the young lady was into this gentleman caused my heart to cry out for her. The degree to which she missed that he wasn't as equally into her touched a spot in my heart that stings, even after ten years of marriage. I remember longing for someone to love me with that same intensity. I remember snuggling up close and believing that relationship was all I needed. Unfortunately, I wasn't safe in that because my longing wasn't really for that person, it was for them to fill me. And no one could.
So I hid. I hid from the truth that no person could fill that need by trying over and over to find someone who could. In time, I learned to live with the guilt of being "too much" or "too needy" and move on after one more relationship crumbled under the strain of that bottomless well of need.
Watching that cycle continue in the couple at church Sunday, my heart longed to reach out to them and share the truths that took me over ten years and many tears to learn:
"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." Oswald Chambers
"We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. Our need does not constitute anyone else's call but God's" Beth Moore
What I've finally received in the deepest part of my heart and am learning to walk out of is that my cavernous need to be loved will be satisfied first in God.
Or it won't be satisfied at all.
Like the young couple at church, I can be so into someone, hoping they will make me feel loved. And sooner or later that person will fall under the weight of that call to love me. Or I can do the flip side and try very hard to fulfill that call to love someone else. And sooner or later, I too will fall under the weight of a burden I can't begin to carry.
A better option by far is to realize my need to be loved is the call of God.
He calls me to come to Him.
Come to be loved.
Come to be filled.
Come to be forgiven.
He answers the deep call of my heart and satisfies me to overflowing. Then He sets out with me to proclaim that truth. To call others to the amazing love that awaits them in the presence of God. To love as Jesus loves.
But before I can love with a safe love, I have to find my fill in Him.
And then, only then, can I go and love likewise.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
The eyes have it
I once heard a writer speak about eyes being a person's most attractive feature. Phrases like "bedroom eyes" and having a "come hither look" or the oft-quoted saying about the eyes being a window to the soul seem to agree with that theory.
I recently read another interesting theory about eyes. This article boldly stated that our eyes are the most important communication device we have. Think with me for a minute about this.
What do haughty eyes look like? Can you picture it? I can.
What about crying eyes? I imagine we have all seen those in the mirror at one time or another.
What about when someone's eyes light up at your arrival? I love how my girls' eyes dance and smile when I walk in the door after being gone for a while. And recently, how my husband's eyes look when we talk. They're alive with depth and interest and affection. That feels incredible.
I also checked out BibleGateway.com to see what God's Word has to say about eyes. There are over five hundred verses that speak on some aspect of eyes.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because in a recent conversation the topic of God's eyes came up and I started thinking a lot about what God's eyes see. Proverbs 15:3 says, "The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch..."
God's eyes saw me before my first breath.
His eyes watched my first step.
My first tear.
My first soccer goal.
My first kiss.
And everything in between and after.
Uncomfortable thought?
For many hiding, hurting hearts it is.
Realizing that God has seen everything I have ever done used to make me cringe with shame. Then I felt sad. As I've spent some incredible time this past month hanging out with God in a special place, talking to Him about heart messages and all the painful ways I've received lies about who I am, I started to feel something new.
Comfort.
God's eyes are always on me. They always have been and they always will be. He saw all the bad, yucky stuff of my past, and the bad, yucky stuff of today.
And He keeps watching over me. He keeps loving me.
A conversation I had with my wonderful husband drove this point home. As we were talking about all the stuff we were bringing into the light and talking over with the Lord, he made a comment about shame and how it used to consume him. Then the Lord reminded him that He was there in it all. God saw it all.
And He forgave it all.
Ponder that a minute. God’s eyes see the bad and the good, the stuff in the dark and in the light. And He loves.
His eyes don't condemn. They aren't haughty.
God's eyes smile.
They laugh.
They shine out the love He has for us.
I think the most awesome thing about God's eyes is that they see all.
And what do His eyes have?
Forgiveness.
And love.
For you.
Can you see it?
I recently read another interesting theory about eyes. This article boldly stated that our eyes are the most important communication device we have. Think with me for a minute about this.
What do haughty eyes look like? Can you picture it? I can.
What about crying eyes? I imagine we have all seen those in the mirror at one time or another.
What about when someone's eyes light up at your arrival? I love how my girls' eyes dance and smile when I walk in the door after being gone for a while. And recently, how my husband's eyes look when we talk. They're alive with depth and interest and affection. That feels incredible.
I also checked out BibleGateway.com to see what God's Word has to say about eyes. There are over five hundred verses that speak on some aspect of eyes.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because in a recent conversation the topic of God's eyes came up and I started thinking a lot about what God's eyes see. Proverbs 15:3 says, "The eyes of the LORD are everywhere, keeping watch..."
God's eyes saw me before my first breath.
His eyes watched my first step.
My first tear.
My first soccer goal.
My first kiss.
And everything in between and after.
Uncomfortable thought?
For many hiding, hurting hearts it is.
Realizing that God has seen everything I have ever done used to make me cringe with shame. Then I felt sad. As I've spent some incredible time this past month hanging out with God in a special place, talking to Him about heart messages and all the painful ways I've received lies about who I am, I started to feel something new.
Comfort.
God's eyes are always on me. They always have been and they always will be. He saw all the bad, yucky stuff of my past, and the bad, yucky stuff of today.
And He keeps watching over me. He keeps loving me.
A conversation I had with my wonderful husband drove this point home. As we were talking about all the stuff we were bringing into the light and talking over with the Lord, he made a comment about shame and how it used to consume him. Then the Lord reminded him that He was there in it all. God saw it all.
And He forgave it all.
Ponder that a minute. God’s eyes see the bad and the good, the stuff in the dark and in the light. And He loves.
His eyes don't condemn. They aren't haughty.
God's eyes smile.
They laugh.
They shine out the love He has for us.
I think the most awesome thing about God's eyes is that they see all.
And what do His eyes have?
Forgiveness.
And love.
For you.
Can you see it?
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Borrowed Hope
At the Smalley Marriage Intensive we attended in early March, one of the counselors said something that set the course for our time together. He said, "We've seen miracles and I want you to borrow the hope we have because of what we've seen."
I did.
And God more than restored my hope. He's truly healing my heart.
I've already shared some about the fear cycle we all dance around in and the way of escape through personal responsibility, taking care of your heart, and hanging out with the Lord. I'd like to elaborate a little more on what all that looks like and add another vital part of the journey... forgiveness.
All too often, we’re rushed to forgive before we've really done the necessary heart work with the Lord first. It's like pouring water into hard-packed and rocky soil. The water alone doesn't make the seed produce a crop because there’s no place for roots to take hold. In the same way, trying to pour in truth about your value from God and apply the Scriptures about forgiveness when your heart is full of rocky lies and hard-packed heart messages yields little fruit. (Matthew 13:3-9 and 18-23)
We live out of what we believe.
And we believe what is written on our hearts.
When our hearts are full of messages from the enemy, lies about who we are, we will live our lives doing the dance of fear and inviting people to join us at every turn. Forgiveness will remain a brass ring we keep missing every revolution around the carousel.
There is a better way.
It starts with realizing it's your job to get out of the fear cycle. Don't go down the dead-end road of "If he or she would just change, everything would be better."
No it won't.
Because if your heart is still full of the enemy's messages, you'll just keep dancing to the tune of fear.
You see, the enemy knows who we are and fears us. So it's his effective plan to keep us in the cycle of fear, adding more and more messages and wearing us out as we try to live according to God's Word but fail more than succeed.
Come, borrow my hope, and learn a new dance.
Step one: Run to God. When you realize you're starting to dance to the tune of fear, step out of the fear cycle with its ineffective coping mechanism, like anger and avoidance, and climb up into your Heavenly Father's lap.
Ask, "What's written on my heart, Lord?"
In other words, when you get alone with God, let the story of your heart pour out. Acknowledge the offenses against you and the pain you feel, then ask God to identify the heart messages. Ask what the hurts and memories say about you. Together drag the messages out into the light.
Remember, it's your job to attend to your heart. It's you and God ~ that's a powerful combination.
One caution: Don't should yourself. Let go of the "I shouldn't feel this way." "I should have known better."
Ask the Lord what's going on in your heart. Don't try to figure it out. Because any time the mind and heart skirmish, the heart always wins. You will live out of what you believe in your heart, not what you think you should believe.
Step two: Hang out with the Lord. Feel the pain that you stuffed into the dark box along with the messages the enemy scribbled on your heart.
Picture yourself as a child nestled safely in the Lord's arms.
And listen.
Ask God what He says about you, what He sees. Ask your Heavenly Daddy what He values about you specifically.
Then listen closely. He has a beautiful song to sing about the wonder and joy He feels toward you, His dearly loved child. (Ephesians 5:1; Colossians 3:12)
Step three: Do good self-care. Remember the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself."
Love and take care of yourself. It's the best gift you can give to the people around you.
Guard your heart. Take care of your bear. Get full by doing things that fill you up emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. When you do, your heart will overflow. That kind of life won’t come from all the striving you do to give and serve, but from the fullness of your heart, streams of living water will flow.
Step four: Forgive from the heart. When you've spent time listening to the Lord reveal the lies you've lived from and then sing His truth in their place, forgiveness flows naturally. A heart cleared of the enemy’s rocky messages and full of the Lord's truth no longer needs to keep a strangle hold, demanding repayment from those who have wronged it. A full heart lets God heal the hurt and take care of the hurtful person in His way and in His time.
A full and forgiving heart also comes to the place where it can pray like Jesus, "Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing."
Be aware, this is the hardest journey you will ever encounter. But it's also the most fulfilling.
It's what you were created to experience.
Intimacy. Fullness. Abundant life. Forgiveness.
Hope.
You can have the Life you long for in your heart.
Please feel free to borrow my hope like I borrowed hope from the wonderful people at the Marriage Intensive. In borrowing their hope, I found my own.
And it's awesome!
I did.
And God more than restored my hope. He's truly healing my heart.
I've already shared some about the fear cycle we all dance around in and the way of escape through personal responsibility, taking care of your heart, and hanging out with the Lord. I'd like to elaborate a little more on what all that looks like and add another vital part of the journey... forgiveness.
All too often, we’re rushed to forgive before we've really done the necessary heart work with the Lord first. It's like pouring water into hard-packed and rocky soil. The water alone doesn't make the seed produce a crop because there’s no place for roots to take hold. In the same way, trying to pour in truth about your value from God and apply the Scriptures about forgiveness when your heart is full of rocky lies and hard-packed heart messages yields little fruit. (Matthew 13:3-9 and 18-23)
We live out of what we believe.
And we believe what is written on our hearts.
When our hearts are full of messages from the enemy, lies about who we are, we will live our lives doing the dance of fear and inviting people to join us at every turn. Forgiveness will remain a brass ring we keep missing every revolution around the carousel.
There is a better way.
It starts with realizing it's your job to get out of the fear cycle. Don't go down the dead-end road of "If he or she would just change, everything would be better."
No it won't.
Because if your heart is still full of the enemy's messages, you'll just keep dancing to the tune of fear.
You see, the enemy knows who we are and fears us. So it's his effective plan to keep us in the cycle of fear, adding more and more messages and wearing us out as we try to live according to God's Word but fail more than succeed.
Come, borrow my hope, and learn a new dance.
Step one: Run to God. When you realize you're starting to dance to the tune of fear, step out of the fear cycle with its ineffective coping mechanism, like anger and avoidance, and climb up into your Heavenly Father's lap.
Ask, "What's written on my heart, Lord?"
In other words, when you get alone with God, let the story of your heart pour out. Acknowledge the offenses against you and the pain you feel, then ask God to identify the heart messages. Ask what the hurts and memories say about you. Together drag the messages out into the light.
Remember, it's your job to attend to your heart. It's you and God ~ that's a powerful combination.
One caution: Don't should yourself. Let go of the "I shouldn't feel this way." "I should have known better."
Ask the Lord what's going on in your heart. Don't try to figure it out. Because any time the mind and heart skirmish, the heart always wins. You will live out of what you believe in your heart, not what you think you should believe.
Step two: Hang out with the Lord. Feel the pain that you stuffed into the dark box along with the messages the enemy scribbled on your heart.
Picture yourself as a child nestled safely in the Lord's arms.
And listen.
Ask God what He says about you, what He sees. Ask your Heavenly Daddy what He values about you specifically.
Then listen closely. He has a beautiful song to sing about the wonder and joy He feels toward you, His dearly loved child. (Ephesians 5:1; Colossians 3:12)
Step three: Do good self-care. Remember the two greatest commandments. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself."
Love and take care of yourself. It's the best gift you can give to the people around you.
Guard your heart. Take care of your bear. Get full by doing things that fill you up emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. When you do, your heart will overflow. That kind of life won’t come from all the striving you do to give and serve, but from the fullness of your heart, streams of living water will flow.
Step four: Forgive from the heart. When you've spent time listening to the Lord reveal the lies you've lived from and then sing His truth in their place, forgiveness flows naturally. A heart cleared of the enemy’s rocky messages and full of the Lord's truth no longer needs to keep a strangle hold, demanding repayment from those who have wronged it. A full heart lets God heal the hurt and take care of the hurtful person in His way and in His time.
A full and forgiving heart also comes to the place where it can pray like Jesus, "Father, forgive them. They don't know what they're doing."
Be aware, this is the hardest journey you will ever encounter. But it's also the most fulfilling.
It's what you were created to experience.
Intimacy. Fullness. Abundant life. Forgiveness.
Hope.
You can have the Life you long for in your heart.
Please feel free to borrow my hope like I borrowed hope from the wonderful people at the Marriage Intensive. In borrowing their hope, I found my own.
And it's awesome!
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