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Friday, May 20, 2005

Deja Vu

Today's been a day of déjà vu. It’s been three weeks since my husband started his new job and we've spent the past three Mondays finding something to get snippy about and then the past three Thursdays finally making up. On top of that, today I've had three different conversations about the same thing...

Fear.

That little word contains a huge lesson God is teaching me—over and over again.

When words are repeated in Scripture like “verily, verily I say unto you…” it means, “this is important so listen up.” Guess I’m not listening well so God is speaking in repetition.

All about fear.

Before the marriage intensive I hadn't considered myself a fearful person. But since then I've learned a great deal about my inner motivations.

I fear rejection so I try hard to be the best I can be.

I fear appearing weak so I cover hurt with anger hoping no one will see the pain.

I learned to cope with fear in ways that made me feel powerful. Working hard and getting angry aren’t often connected with fear. But I know they’re closely related. God keeps making that clear to me.

Case in point: the last three weeks. When my husband has talked about how much he loves his job, the old fear of being abandoned rises up inside. So I’ve gotten angry instead of rejoicing in the gift of a job my husband enjoys.

And just in case I missed the last three lessons, God used three little girls to drive the point home today. First off, my oldest hid a children’s sewing needle we used for a craft project today. Why? She was afraid I’d throw it away. Then my middle daughter buried her head in my side during a thunderstorm. And, not to be outdone, my youngest went ballistic at the sound of a neighborhood dog.

Each time we talked about what the Bible says regarding fear. My older two quoted Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” We talked about how that verse applies to how we live and it hit me, that feeling of déjà vu.

With every discussion today, God repeated the first lesson I learned about fear: I will live out of what I believe. So when I am afraid, it’s because I’m not trusting God. I’m not believing the truth.

See, when I am afraid I won’t get what I want, like my oldest, it’s because I’m not trusting God to provide all I need. I’m not believing Philippians 4:19.

When I’m afraid of the storms, like my middle daughter, it’s because I don’t trust God will walk me through them. I’m not believing Isaiah 43:1-2.

And when I’m afraid of things that bark or bite, both dogs and situations, I’m not trusting God’s sovereignty and goodness to allow only what is for my best and His glory. I’m not believing Romans 8:28.

Choosing to trust, to believe the truth, is simple.

Not easy.

I’m so glad we have a God who is not upset by our need for reminders. The older I get (tomorrow’s birthday hallmarks yet another reason I need His holy repetition) the more I need.

Not only reminders.

But more of God.

That’s a pretty cool place to be.

Even if it takes a whopper case of déjà vu to realize.

2 comments:

Sally said...

Hey, my friend, I just wanted to let you know I'm still here with you...struggling in the trenches...sorry I've been MIA lately...my blog explains the craziness that is called my life right now. You are a blessing!!

Amy Wallace said...

Sally,

Thanks so much for letting me know you're still around. I've missed you and missed reading on your blog! I'll hop over there and catch up. ;-)

Praying for you!!!
Amy

 
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