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Tuesday, September 07, 2010

What Southern Women Know

I should preface what follows with the fact that I'm not a Southerner. I'm an Army brat who grew up all over the world. But I was born south of the Mason-Dixon and have lived most of my life in the dear old South. So I guess you could say, "I got here as fast as I could."

Read on an enjoy!

Southern women know their summer weather report:


Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:


Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:


Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

S'vanah (This is REALLY how it's pronounced here!)
Foat Wuth
Addlanna (Same with this one!)

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform
Men in clean overalls
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall
The Spa
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Havin' bad hair and nails
Havin' bad manners
Cookin' bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

(Okay this one is soooo true! I have never heard of anyone having a hissie fit. We pitch 'em down here. ;-) )
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, poke sallet, white beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Goin' to town, be back drekly ."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.

If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right fur piece."

They also know that "juss down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

(This is ABSOLUTELY true in Atlanta!)

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

(This one might actually qualify me as a Southerner. I've used "fixin" since I could talk~ mostly as a verb.)

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ...and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.

You just say, "Bless her heart"... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I'm not from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Hope you had a good laugh like I did reading through these!

1 comment:

Sheila Deeth said...

That was fun. Is Texas southern? Does my Texas son need to learn some of this?

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