I'm not a morning person. But I live in a home of early birds, so I've worked hard to become a reformed night owl.
It hasn't worked.
But lately it's not been pure circadian rhythms that have kept me in bed. It’s been more along the lines of dreading another day’s trials. And instead of getting up anyway to spend time with God in the morning, I’ve slept later and later…
And later.
Today it hit me that I was being passive aggressive with God.
Odd thought. But when I started to look at it I realized that was exactly what I was doing. Without allowing my conscience to process it, I’d decided if God wasn’t going to answer my prayers and make things easier to handle, then I’d just sleep more to feel better.
It didn’t work.
So this morning I got honest with God. I poured out all the things I wanted Him to change and exactly what I thought of Him not changing them. Then I apologized for playing games with Him.
It felt good to cry. Good to come like a little child caught with her hand in the cookie jar: humbly embarrassed over my foolish actions, but confident God had forgiven and loved me still.
Then I asked Him to show me how to stay present with Him in the pain and not run from it. How to keep praising Him in the storm when the experience of His closeness faded.
He took me back to a place I’d forgotten. The place where I used to run at the first sign of trouble.
God took me back to the Psalms.
Asaph’s lament in Psalm 77 echoed through time and resonated in my soul. “Will He never show His favor again? Has God forgotten to be merciful?”
I felt the Lord whisper, “I do understand how you feel, Amy. I see you. I know.”
The reminder that I’m not invisible in my pain, that God is not ignoring me broke the vice grip that pain had clamped around my heart.
Reading on, the next words took my weary mind and body and wrapped them in a warm embrace.
“I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds…You are the God who performs miracles.”
“Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.”
In black and white, there was the simple truth of missing footprints.
Even when His presence in our lives feels absent, He is still here. And He’s already walked through the mighty waters.
So that we can too.
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5 comments:
Amy ~ I know the feeling of weariness with the life you are in! I was reminded the other day of God's promise to give us "rest" when we are weary and overburdened. There went my excuse for being too tired to spend time with God ;)
I feel for you and am praying with you!
You words remind me of my current favorite worship song: Blessed Be Your Name":
blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
blessed be your name....
you give and take away,
you give and take away,
my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be your name
That line, "my heart will choose to say" is one of my favorites. It's like a marriage where we choose to stick around even when things suck and we're not particularly fond of our spouse for a while. It's a choice. It's a HARD choice, sometimes. But the bottom line is that, regardless of our circumstances, God is still good, and deserves our praise and blessing.
Not that it's easy. :)
Rel,
Isn't it funny how God deals with our "excuses" and really does have something better to offer?! He really is so good to us.
Thanks for sharing the walk with me and your prayers!
Amy
Alison,
I LOVE Blessed Be Your Name! The line that gets me is "you give and take away." And yet we have reason to say blessed is His name.
You are so right that it's a HARD choice sometimes... both to weather the storms in marriage and in our walk with the Lord. But God is good and we can praise Him no matter what.
Even if it's a hard choice, like you've shared, it is the best choice.
Amy
I've read it! Go Amy - will post my review soon :)
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