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Monday, August 01, 2005

Mouth Messes

Have you ever known without a shadow of a doubt that God is hard at work with His painful pruning sheers? I do. In a big way.

First it was a walk in the desert. I'm still covered in sand and experiencing the burning heat of intense refining. All the way up to my eyeballs. And it isn't fun... not one little bit.

But even in the pain, it's good. God is at work.

Then God turned His spotlight on my issues with weight.

This weekend He added yet another area, my mouth. And He’s showing me how they’re all interrelated. Everything I’m experiencing can be wrapped up in one intense struggle, one question~ Am I valuable because of what I do (or say or how I look) or because of who I am?

Right now I’m wrestling this out with God. He’s winning.

At the same time, I’m still fighting Him. Still believing the lies. By the time I got to bed last night I was worn out by this struggle. I felt like a worthless failure in every facet of life. My marriage, parenting, writing, ministry, and especially the words that shouldn’t come out of my mouth but do.

In my reading earlier, I’d come across a scripture in Job 31 about making a covenant with your eyes not to look lustfully. I didn’t see how that applied to me, but God kept it on my mind. Before I fell asleep I understood why.

Job walked in integrity before God. He made a definite decision that he would not sin with his eyes and said so before God. That’s serious business. While I may not struggle with my eyes, I so struggle with my mouth. I say things with angry, bitter words instead of staying quiet and letting God speak to the pain.

Last night I hit an all-time low. And it rocked me to the core. I saw how I was letting the enemy’s lies about my worth fan the flame of my words. James 3:6 says, “The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.”

I didn’t keep a reign on my words last night. I didn’t even try to. And the damage it did to my heart and that of the person receiving my words attests to the scorching world of evil an unsubmitted tongue can bring.

All I could do before I went to bed was cry out like Martin Luther did in the excellent movie about his life, “Jesus, I’m Yours. Save me! Jesus, I’m Yours. Save me!!!”

This morning, God brought Psalm 17:3-4 before my eyes. What jumped out at me were these words: “I have resolved that my mouth will not sin… by the word of your lips…” David also cried out to God in prayer saying in Psalm 19, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”

I’d like to say I have made that covenant with my mouth, but I haven’t. Yet. Tonight, after my girls are asleep, I’m returning to the wrestling mat with God, praying He doesn’t have to dislocate my hip like Jacob’s before I receive His truth. I know in my head I’m valuable because I am His, but I need that in my heart. I need to hear His truth about me and make the hard choice to believe it. Then bow before Him and resolve that my mouth will not sin. Like David, I will live up to that vow only in the strength God supplies and only by keeping His Words before my eyes and ears.

Pray for me. Pray I’ll have ears to hear. And a mouth that honors God.


HeyJules said...

"I'm returning to the wrestling mat with God"...this is why I read you! What a great thought...

Stop and think about all the people in the world. Now subtract the ones that have forever turned their back on God, the ones that turn MOST of their back to God, and the ones that show up for church each week and don't think about God again until 11 am the following Sunday. Subtract all those people and NOW try to figure out why God could possibly waste his time on someone like YOU, someone who puts him in their life, their marriage, their parenting, and their writing every single day.

Feeling any better about yourself now? Because you should.

God bless,

Amy Wallace said...


You are so good for my heart. Thank you.


HeyJules said...

Well Amy, the way I see it, we "women of worth" have to stick together!

Amy Wallace said...

Amen! I'm so glad my journey includes great women like you!


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