Addiction

I think I should change the banner of my blog to "welcome to the roller coaster." It seems my recent trip to the beach was only a brief oasis in preparation for a much longer, much harder desert journey.

I'm very thankful for all the people who stood by me during the first leg of this difficult walk. Your prayers are still much needed and much appreciated.

Since this is the peek-a-boo ICU and it's all about coming out of hiding and entering God's Intensive Care Unit, I decided it was time to face a subject that I've wanted to write about, but never had the courage to come out of hiding to do.

So here goes...

I’m a third generation alcoholic. I spent most of my junior high, high school, and college years hiding a family secret and learning to own that addiction for myself. During high school I became a Christian and drank less, but the tentacles of addiction still had a firm grip on my life. Alcohol was my drug of choice to numb the pain. It wasn’t until many years later I would even admit I was an alcoholic and many more before I would seek help to overcome this addiction.

At one point in college, I tried AA meetings, but they didn’t reach me. I didn’t want to define myself by my addiction and I didn’t want to look deeper into why I ran to alcohol. I just wanted the pain to go away. So I hid. Which really wasn’t hard to do. When my addiction started in earnest I was in junior high. Living in Germany, I could purchase alcohol anytime I wanted. Then when we moved back to the States I had access to my parent’s and grandmother’s liquor stash. In high school there were enough parties to keep me busy. And when I wasn’t partying with the wild crowd, I stayed busy with the church crowd. No one confronted me about having a problem. The church crowd never knew I almost killed myself twice getting so drunk I still have no idea how I got home.

After high school I walked away from alcohol, but not the addiction. I’d have an occasional drink and believed I was fine. No more parties, getting drunk, or hiding my alcohol consumption.

But I still didn’t deal with my heart, the reason the addiction still had a hold on me.

It wasn’t until I interviewed for a missionary position after college graduation that anyone looked deep into my life and asked some pointed questions. From that interview weekend I returned home and started seeing a rape counselor for a date rape that happened in high school, which I had never faced. In the process I started to deal with my heart and all the pain I had bottled up in there. The tentacles of addiction started to loosen.

Not too long after that I married and started to talk about my addiction in the past tense. I admitted I was once an alcoholic, but had found freedom in Christ. And I had. But I still had so much more to learn. My heart was only just starting the journey to healing.

Children came. Three wonderful, beautiful little girls. After my first daughter was born I learned my husband was not into alcohol like I had been, but his drug of choice was pornography. We went to counseling and I took another few steps on the path of heart healing.

After my second daughter was born it would be a year before I learned my husband not only still used porn, but he had a true sex addiction. Again, we went to counseling and I received a lot of help for my heart. But not my marriage. Because that takes two.

We had a third little girl and by the time she turned one, I was sure my marriage was over. So after my tenth wedding anniversary disaster, I told my husband something had to change or we wouldn’t make it to the eleventh anniversary.

We attended the Smalley Marriage Intensive in March of this year and God did an amazing work in me. I was finally given the tools and the time to attend to the depths of my heart. And I did. I now know I am free of an addiction to alcohol because God has done an amazing work in my life.

I’m not foolish or prideful enough to think I could never go back though. I could. So I protect myself and my daughters in many ways. And I’ve learned to run to God when life hurts. That is the best medicine for a wounded heart I’ve ever found.

But my marriage hasn’t taken that journey. I’m not sure it will. Today I’ve uncovered more “junk” and seen some pretty destructive patterns that I’ve been allowing to continue.

No more.

If running to God is the only place for healing, which I know it is, He is now all I have.

I’m still grieving what I thought was getting better and wasn’t. I’m still wrestling with anger and hurt so deep I’d like to go to sleep and not wake up until everything is better. But I know that won’t work. I have three little girls that need their mommy and a husband who I hope takes a good look in the mirror and decides it’s time to admit the truth and deal with his addiction all the way to healing.

Please pray for all of us.

Reading back over this, I’m not sure I should post it. I wrote it to sort out my mess of thoughts and keep from going crazy. But maybe it will help someone who reads it find the strength to run to God and get the help they need to break free from whatever has a hold on them.

Please do run to God. Addiction doesn’t just affect you. It affects whole families, and in truth, the whole Body of Christ. Don’t bury your head and let another person’s addictions get a hold on you either. I’ve done that for too many years. I’ve enabled destructive patterns to continue because of my own wounds and needs.

Needs I didn’t take to God. Needs I thought my husband could and should meet.

But he can’t.

God can.

And He is.

Please pray. All I can see stretching ahead are unending waves of hot sand. Please pray I’ll listen to the Lord and stay in His arms. And that one day He will use all of this for His glory. Like Moses on the backside of the desert for 40 years. I pray God will use me to lead others to freedom. That prayer frightens me as much as it calls me. But God’s been preparing me for this journey for some time.

I now (thanks to one of my awesome youth girls) have a little jar of beach sand at my desk. It reminds me that there are other places beside the desert in my future.

And that is a promise for every one of His children. In John 14 Jesus reminds us to trust in God and talks about His Father’s house. He says, “I am going there to prepare a place for you.” And in John 16:33 He says, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

“O Daddy, strengthen my legs for the journey and my heart to trust You and love with Your amazing love. Amen.”