The call of God

I sat in church the other day taking notes. Some about the sermon, and some (on another notepad) about a new novel brewing in my mind. My oldest princess caught me. ;-) "You have TWO of those note pads, Mommy?" Yep. And even more in my purse, in my car, at my desk, by my bed. Inspiration strikes at the oddest of times. I'm still waiting for my oldest to invent that million-dollar gadget that will let me write my inspirations down in the shower. :-D

But I digress.

On my second notepad when my little girl caught me writing book ideas, I was also writing a prayer for an unmarried couple in front of us at church. The degree to which the young lady was into this gentleman caused my heart to cry out for her. The degree to which she missed that he wasn't as equally into her touched a spot in my heart that stings, even after ten years of marriage. I remember longing for someone to love me with that same intensity. I remember snuggling up close and believing that relationship was all I needed. Unfortunately, I wasn't safe in that because my longing wasn't really for that person, it was for them to fill me. And no one could.

So I hid. I hid from the truth that no person could fill that need by trying over and over to find someone who could. In time, I learned to live with the guilt of being "too much" or "too needy" and move on after one more relationship crumbled under the strain of that bottomless well of need.

Watching that cycle continue in the couple at church Sunday, my heart longed to reach out to them and share the truths that took me over ten years and many tears to learn:

"No love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first." Oswald Chambers

"We are not wrong to think we desperately need to be loved. We do. Our need does not constitute anyone else's call but God's" Beth Moore

What I've finally received in the deepest part of my heart and am learning to walk out of is that my cavernous need to be loved will be satisfied first in God.

Or it won't be satisfied at all.

Like the young couple at church, I can be so into someone, hoping they will make me feel loved. And sooner or later that person will fall under the weight of that call to love me. Or I can do the flip side and try very hard to fulfill that call to love someone else. And sooner or later, I too will fall under the weight of a burden I can't begin to carry.

A better option by far is to realize my need to be loved is the call of God.

He calls me to come to Him.

Come to be loved.

Come to be filled.

Come to be forgiven.

He answers the deep call of my heart and satisfies me to overflowing. Then He sets out with me to proclaim that truth. To call others to the amazing love that awaits them in the presence of God. To love as Jesus loves.

But before I can love with a safe love, I have to find my fill in Him.

And then, only then, can I go and love likewise.